What My Commitment Issues Really Mean

I don't have commitment issues. So I said.

But my actions and thoughts told a different story. 

When faced with the opportunity to move forward or take steps back, I retreated. I was scared. There was no trust. 

Commitment is not something to be taken lightly. It is something that requires vulnerability. And sacrifice. And most importantly, trust. 

Commitment meant bearing the deepest and darkest parts of me. Commitment meant there was a possibility that when things go past surface level and into the recesses of my heart, rejection could come. 

Better to run away than to be found not enough. To be deemed unworthy. To be labeled a fraud.  To be faced with flat out rejection. 

This was a real life situation for me. Where I subconsciously decided the commitment was not worth the price I might be required to pay. Fear won. 

But I haven't just done this with people in my life. How many times do I do this with Jesus? How many times do I keep him at arms length or worse resist Him drawing me deeper? Why? Why do I struggle to commit it all? To trust Him with every area of my life? 

Maybe its for fear that Jesus can't possibly love that part of me. He can't possibly know what I've done. He can't possibly know the ugly parts of my heart. 

Because if He did, there's no way He could look at me the same. That He could still desire a relationship with me. That His sacrifice could still be enough for me.

But the beauty of this time of year and the days even weeks following the celebration of Easter, I feel the depth and the breadth and the height and the width of God's love all the more.

Recognition comes. That thief on the cross next to him. Not a shiny good deed to his name. Not a single claim to fame in those last, dark moments of his life. I'm that thief. I'm the man on the cross next to Jesus. At least that's how I feel. I feel I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Except my heart. Except whatever moments I have left on this earth. Complete and total surrender. It's a crossroads. Do I believe Jesus' blood covers me or not?

Commitment is scary. But what's scarier is facing life alone. Without Jesus. Without the relationship that has wrecked my soul and given me eternal relationship with Himself. For now and forevermore.

And what I know to be true? God takes even what little I have to give. That minuscule offering of commitment I give. And He maximizes it for His glory. He reveals my weaknesses and uses them to draw others to His glory. His works. His strength. His ability. His worth.

I come broken to be mended.
I come wounded to be healed.
I come desperate to be rescued.
I come empty to be filled.
I come guilty to be pardoned by the blood of Christ the Lamb.
And I'm welcomed with open arms.
Praise God.
Just as I am.

-Travis Cottrell

God loves me just as I am. Commitment issues and all. And He loves you too. Whatever baggage you bring. Whatever hurt you carry. Whatever burden you shoulder. God's in the fixing business. We can't do it on our own. But God ... 

Let's take our all to Him today. Let's give up this fight. Let's tear down those walls we thought were protecting us yet were only hindering us from fully trusting Him. Anybody else ready?