Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Breaking News

Imagine that news sound clip that might add a snippet of dramatics just to enhance this moment.
I do have news. Very exciting news. & maybe a little scary. Also terrifying. Note the mixed feelings. We'll get to that in a second. 

Several weeks ago {about March 29 to be exact}, I was in the midst of the SheReadsTruth Jonah reading plan which was the preparatory step to what ended up being one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my 25 short years. Welcome to adulthood, Jenna. 

I had just recently gotten out of my mouth {or fingers considering I typed it on my blog} that I didn't have a Ninevah. I mean really? I'm not Jonah. I'm. Not. Jonah. Okay, yes, yes, I am. 

Not like the "going to Tarshish" Jonah. Because goodness knows I don't want to know what a 21st century whale-swallowing looks like. No siree. Not happening. I'm not interested. 

& to top it all off, United had to go & write this song right below. & I had to go & start praying this on a regular basis.



So anyway, back to the story. Jonah had me praying that God would show me my Ninevah {really only because I felt I should not because I had any desire to go anywhere}. Praying began for a Ninevah. Plus I was praying that God would lead me where my trust is without borders. That I would walk out upon the waters wherever He may call me. I prayed that He would take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, so my faith would be made stronger.

Now that you have the background info, let's go back to March 29. I was in Columbus for Homecoming. This one place kept coming up in conversation. Okay, just dandy. As I drove home later that night, I was catching up with my dear friend, Alicia, about life & craziness. It truly all of sudden just felt like this deep knowing in my heart that God was calling me to a new place. 

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I panicked in true Jenna fashion. The waterworks & all. I definitely looked & sounded like Jonah in that moment. I complained. A lot. & then I explained to God all the reasons why this would not work & did not make sense. Two days later, I told my parents. Shoutout to the parents for reacting like parents. Not exactly what you want to hear from your youngest child/daughter. 

Within just a few weeks, my mom and I planned a trip down to check everything out. It just felt right. Not one bit of doubt crept into my heart. I kept asking God for confirmation that this was what He wanted me to do. One thing I was sure of was that this was not necessarily my ideal plan. Sure it is super exciting, but have I mentioned yet that this is incredibly terrifying? 

One thing after another. I actively put feet to my faith. I couldn't just sit back and expect anything happen. I prayed that God would close any door that I wasn't to walk through. All along the way, I just felt an overwhelming peace. 

I got a couple job interviews and wondered on the way home how I would ever decide which one to go with if I were to be offered both. By the time I got home {& after talking it over with my mom}, I knew which one was for me. I was offered the job the next day. Pieces of the puzzle keep falling into place.

Let me be perfectly clear. This. was. not. my. plan. We won't even go down that road, but in all seriousness, my plan was far from the path I am about to pursue. 

Where am I going? In August, I am moving to New Orleans. {insert face full of very mixed emotions}
 

Why am I going? First & foremost because my parents have taught me to be obedient not only to them but more importantly to God. But I am also going because my heart is missions {no matter where in the world God places me}. I have dreaded seminary classes for long enough. Slowly but surely God has softened my heart & created in me a desire to dig deeper into His Word & for me that means taking seminary classes. I wanted to be prepared just as the Bible tell us. "But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness & respect." {1 Pt 3:15 ESV}. 

My heart is breaking for all that I will be leaving, but at the exact same time, my heart is bursting with excitement over the adventure ahead. I am 25, single, and thrilled to be living life according to God's leading. I'm following Him wherever He leads. I say that all the time, & it is now time for me to put action to my words. I know my life/decisions may not make sense to everybody, but as a very wise & older friend once told ... "I'd rather have God's presence than an explainable existence." 


Friday, May 2, 2014

When You Miss the Target

Kind of like when you fall off a horse {mind you, I've never done that & I never plan to}. But regardless, you brush yourself off & you GET. BACK. ON.
The other day I was in Target {hence the use of the word in the title} & strongly felt God telling me to speak to this employee at the dressing rooms. Tell her that I'd like to know how I can pray for her. My response. No. I'm in a hurry. I already have cold groceries & I'm pushing it on time. My bargain with God. Okay, okay, I'll do it but only if no one else is around to hear/see me do this. Walk out the dressing room door & notice she's pregnant. Of course I should say something. Even if it makes me sound crazy. Gonna do it. Gonna do it. Gonna do it. AAANNNNND there's some complete stranger walking within 50 feet who may hear/see me & think I'm crazy. Nope not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Why should I, God? Answer me that. 

I'm too busy. And just like that I walked away. Ashamed. Mortified. Embarrassed. Angry. Stupid. Ignorant. Prideful. The list goes on. I pray someone else was obedient that day, because I was anything but. 
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What is wrong with me? Why didn't I say something? Did I really think that God would ask me to do something for no reason? No purpose? No higher meaning? 

Shame on me. Paul states it so eloquently when he says I do what I do not want to do and I don't do what I want to do. So messed up. Ultimately, I think my inability to say anything stems from pride. What will people think of me? They will think I am crazy or psychotic. But seriously, why do I care?

I do believe there is hope for me yet. 

Matthew 28:16-20 ... He commands us to go & tell. But He also tells us that He will be with us always. I have to cling to that. I'm setting a goal. From now on, I am going to step out on faith. I am going to look for opportunities to be obedient. Not because it's comfortable or easy or particularly fun sometimes. But because I have to. I am compelled to share this fire within me. I will break through this barrier that I've built if it is the last thing I do.

The whole premise of this blog is {learning}to be the light ... as in the present progressive tense {excuse me while I go a little grammar crazy on you}. Present progressive tense expresses an action that is ongoing. This walk of faith with God is a continual process. Forever learning. To be the light.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna