If My Heart is Overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice, I hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith. 

I will believe. 

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of your Son. 

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

Overwhelmed. That word doesn't even seem to cut it right now. I've been battling that inner voice in my head for several months now about whether or not I felt like I could truly share some of my most shameful and painful struggles that have come out of this new season of my life. Facebook and Instagram paint a pretty nice and neat picture of this new venture I set out on in August. And the truth is that is has been great. I love my life in NOLA, and the fun portrayed in those pictures is the real deal. But this is Vulnerability 101. Diving into the good, the bad, and the ugly. This, my friends, is my ugly.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes reflecting on the last few months and looking ahead to the next few months, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Being an adult is hard. Life is hard. I always looked ahead to these years of my life with rose-colored glasses thinking it would be the best time of my life. For the record, singleness doesn't automatically imply an easy life just because I don't have the demands of a family or the needs of a husband. I have such a strong desire to be present in my current stage of life and serve the Lord wherever He calls me which leads to its own unique problems.

All that to say, moving to NOLA was a direct call from God that I chose to follow. I do not doubt that for one second. I was already somewhat tight on finances before moving from MS, but moving to LA quadrupled my financial strain. I hadn't saved up like I would've liked to in order to make such a major move; therefore, I was left with a choice. I'm not proud of my choice. I'm actually quite embarrassed by the credit card debt that I have accrued in order to live and eat down here. It seemed so reasonable and easy at the time. My salary doesn't even cover all of my bills at this point. I am in over my head. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I feel compelled to be honest about my journey and the mistakes I've made. Would I have done it differently if I had it to do over again? I don't know. I didn't see any other choice and still don't. So now I'm at a point where I am in constant fear of overdrafting my account, frustration over not being able to buy groceries, and exhaustion from carrying this burden.

I don't say all of this to generate pity or sympathy. I genuinely just want to take this moment/post to put words to my struggle. Sometimes this is the only way I can let go of the fear by allowing God to write my heart out on this blog. I have taken on one side job in the afternoons but my time is already too crunched between church, work, and seminary obligations. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and the strain on my heart has finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Today was the final straw.

I'm digging my own way out of this hole and by my own way I mean through God's provision. Paying back every painful cent by cent. I wish there was an easy fix, but I'm afraid that the consequences of this particular situation is gonna be haunting me for awhile. There is a light. I can see it. God has provided. He will sustain me.

If you're in a similar situation {which I pray you are not}, you should first know that you're not alone. Second of all, God is with you. He has not left you. Third of all, God hears you.  And last but not least, God is working even amidst the storm. I'm quite certain this storm is of my own doing, and that's what makes it even harder to endure. But I cling to my Anchor, my Refuge, and my Hope. You have the same God at your side. Run to him.

If you don't know what it's like to be in this situation {which I pray you haven't}, take a minute and just praise the Lord for that. What a blessing. On the other hand, I know there is probably something else. Another painful struggle. Whether that's of your own doing or not. No matter what you're going through, those four truths about God listed in that last paragraph still apply.

To everyone out there struggling, hear these words ..

When my heart is filled with hope every promise comes my way. When I feel your hands of grace rest upon me. Staying desperate for You, God. Staying humble at Your feet. I will life these hands in praise. 

I will believe.

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of Your Son.

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}