a farm-filled christmas and a much-needed update

I've been a little distant from the blogging world over the past couple weeks. And that can be mostly attributed to the jumble of thoughts which comprise my brain. It is already rather chaotic in there, but here of late, it's been on overdrive. Like sleepless nights kind of overdrive.

Merry Christmas from the McMurphy crew

the cousins

First of all, let me say ... Merry Christmas. I know I am a few days late, but I'm really the type that would go around saying it all year long just for fun. As I so often stated this time last year, Christmas is my {most} favorite time of the year. This year was no exception. I was surrounded by family, love, and laughter. If only the abundance of laughter had been enough to burn off all the calories that I consumed amidst this holiday season.

You may ask, "what exactly did you laugh so much about?" The better question is what didn't we laugh about. Gage's giggles. Jordan's stories. Ant hills. Hay bales. Pinterest humor. and Elf Yourself videos. One thing you can be sure of is that our holidays will never be short of laughter when we are all together. This year was even less about the presents than it ever has been. That is something I love most about my family. I am the broke grad school student who is currently unemployed until May {donations accepted ... haha! just kidding}, and my miniscule gifts were just as accepted as all the other ones. Being in my grandparent's home surrounded by those I love and filled with such joy and peace with the celebration of Jesus' birth, how could I not feel like this was one of the best Christmases ever. I am one amazingly blessed girl.

the boys riding the tractor with Papa

a little Christmas Eve chicken barn adventure

my precious Granny

Gage's hiding place

Next, let me note that the whole calorie overload the past week was no joke, and I feel the payback my body is about to give me in the gym tomorrow. I seriously never stop amazing myself. I really thought that maybe I had made progress on this whole food-mind game that I've had going for years, but it reared its ugly head this past week. Every slip, every indulgence, every little cheating bite made me feel even worse about myself. There is some disconnect between my brain and my body. For example, I haven't eaten very healthy whatsoever for the past 5 or so days. Instead of allowing myself some grace and just jumping back on track (let's say tomorrow), I beat myself up and my {inner} vision balloons back into my old self. The same arms, face, legs, etc that looked smaller just last week now look 10x larger. It's irrational how much grief I give myself over eating food on a holiday rather than just pick myself up off the floor and keep moving forward. I'm not done with this journey, and I refuse to let my old mentality take back over. This is God's battle to fight for me, and the longer I try to do this on my own or condemn myself for every shortcoming, the harder life is going to be. Tomorrow (a.k.a. today, December 27,2012) is a new day. It's  day for me to start new and fresh. It is my opportunity to lay all of my struggles and sorrows back at the feet of Jesus.
Okay. Ready. Set. Go.

my attempt at fighting temptation with healthy PB brownies

One last thing I wanted to just throw out there. This is going to sound so strange and in complete contradiction to my mental battle with my weight loss {mentioned above}, but I've had a strange revelation here recently. I've noticed that people are starting to look at me instead of through me. I have always felt invisible. I mean ... seriously ... I wouldn't have seen me either surrounded by such {outwardly} beautiful, skinny people. I do feel different now that I've made progress on my journey to being healthy. Honestly, I've never felt better in my entire life. For the first time ever, I feel like people are actually seeing me for me. I have hidden behind my weight and food for so long just hoping that no one would take notice of poor, overweight Jenna. I don't want to hide anymore from my problems, from my feelings, from my reality. This is the way God created me, and {contrary to what I've thought my whole life}, He made no mistakes on me.

This post came out of nowhere and is more random than I intended, but I felt like God wanted me to share just a little of what is going on with me. It's not easy being honest and open with my wounds and scars, but God always uses my pain to help others going through the same thing.

Stay tuned for future posts ... a very overdue update on my 5K debut and status, some {spiritual} heart issues God has been repairing, new year's resolutions, Passion 2013 just next week, and the beginning of the end {a.k.a. my last semester of grad school and my frightening entrance into the SLP medical world}.

my countdown is getting ever smaller

So long comfort zone. I'm heading out into the big girl world.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Damsel {Refusing to Be} in Distress

Independent. Self-sufficient. Controlling. Dominating.
All words that I've come to see very well describe me. I have been basically on my own for my entire life. Not in terms of family, because if nothing else, I have always been surrounded by such a strong and supportive family and group of friends. BUT ultimately my lack of relationships forced me to become independent and self-sufficient. I don't need anyone, (especially not a man) because I am strong. because I am independent. because I am able to take care of myself with help from no one. 

Because if I let anyone know that I needed someone {especially a man} then I would be perceived as weak.  If I'm weak, I am vulnerable. All four-letter words in my dictionary.

The problem is that I didn't realize that I was closing myself off to pretty much all relationships (even just plain friendships which are just as important). I didn't realize that I was even doing this or that I'm using it as a way to shut out God and not allow Him into certain areas which I call "mine." He can have His areas as long as He lets me hold onto mine. I am such a control-freak. It's actually quite ridiculous. I don't realize what I control-freak I am until I am in the middle of a moment and suddenly it hits me ... that I am trying to control something which was never in my control to begin with.

There is so much to this story which is easy to share in person, but not so easy to type out into words. In order for me to tell stories, I usually have to make circles to cover all my bases. Therefore, I felt the book I am currently reading could explain it better than I can. Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge puts words to my struggle. Enjoy.

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"Fallen Eve {a.k.a ME} controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone -- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, one worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Now, this is not to say that a woman can't be strong. What we are saying is that far too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control. Their strength feels more masculine than feminine. There is nothing inviting or alluring, nothing tender or merciful about them."

"Controlling women are those of us who don't trust anyone else to drive our cars. Or help in our kitchens. Or speak at our retreats or our meetings. Or carry something for us. Make a decision that is 'ours' to make. Suggest a different dress, agenda, restaurant, route."

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"Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. We are the ones to receive corporate promotions. We are the ones put in charge of our women's ministries. Can-Do, Bottom-Line, Get-It-Done kinds of women. Women who have never even considered that our Martha Stewart perfectionism might not be a virtue. We have never considered that by living a controlling and domineering life, we are really refusing to trust our God. And it has also never dawned on us that something precious in us is squelched, diminished, and refused. Something that God has given us to bring to the world."

Like WHAT???? You mean to tell me that my control-freak and independent ways are not a gift from God? haha. Oh I just crack myself up. I've been so blinded to these ways of mine until last summer when a guy told my best friend that he could never date/marry a girl {like me} who was so independent, self-sufficient, and unsubmissive (is that even a word?). Well, after a year and a half of brooding over these hurtful words, I finally called this guy to get some more details. By this point, I just wanted the truth, so I could hand these things over to God to fix in me. When he was talking to me, it was making so much sense. I make people think I don't need a thing, ... because I've always made sure that no one knows that when I'm hurting, when I'm lonely, when I'm in pain, or when I'm not okay. Why would a guy want anything to do with a girl who doesn't need him? A girl who is bound a determined to do everything on her own with no help from him? I see this flaw now, and I see how God is trying to show me the error in my ways. {whew. this isn't much fun but I know God has good plans for me.}

Sorry I put so many quotes in this post on top of my normal ramblings, but I just couldn't say all that stuff above any better than these amazing authors did. I highly recommend the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. God has used this book to shine his light on my sinfulness and the places of my life that I need to turn over to Him and allow Him to work this out. It is not going to be easy to allow God access to each of these areas of my life. one by painful one.

Daily Reminder: God is in control. {NOT ME}
Feel free to remind me of that any time you want. I will {more than likely} need the reminder.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Turn Your Eyes

Or as I sang all weekend, "Fix your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

I might have had the words wrong, but God placed this hymn inspired by scripture on my heart last Thursday night. As some may know {but most do not}, I had started the application process for the apprentice/career path through the IMB, and this past weekend was a expo/interview to pretty much determine if we were what they were looking for to serve long term. I was a nervous wreck all week long. No joke. My stomach felt like I had pterodactyls flying around.

Side note: {list of stupid things I did}
Unknowingly spilled my pumpkin spice latte down the front of my white shirt.
Walked completely into a men's restroom before I realized it was the wrong one.
Continued to take a picture in my still stained shirt which I had not noticed yet.
Looked down to see the orange splotched all over my shirt and had to keep my jacket buttoned all night long.
Almost knocked over the rest of my latte with my arm because I was talking too animatedly.
At the end of the night, I dropped all of my belongings behind my chair where I couldn't reach them with things falling out of my planner left and right.
Let's just say, it could only go up from there.

Back to the original story. Sparing you a whole lot of details, I'll sum it all up in these few words: I already had a plan. Be on the field in two years or less. This was just a stepping stone.

I went home Thursday night thinking the whole night was a bit rocky due to my accident-prone ways, but Friday had to go as planned.

Nope. Not a chance.
{luckily for me there were no more incidents with coffee or bathrooms}

Instead God had totally different plans for me to discover. I've known since I was a little girl that God wants me overseas, but I have really been struggling with a lack of peace over to go now, wait, or whatever. Needless to say, I just knew God was gonna give me the clarity I needed to just keep on going forward. Negative. Through a long series of events that I would love to share in person over some coffee {preferably not on my shirt} I would love to explain further, God very clearly impressed on my heart that He wants me to wait. That is not what I wanted to hear, and I definitely fought him on it for a good hour or so.

But ultimately, I was surrounded by 6 single females who were all at least 2 years older if not 7 or 8 years older and who were so mature in their faith. I have never felt so inadequate. But in a way, that God had to use these phenomenal women to show me how much growing I needed to do. They were all so full of Godly wisdom that I needed to hear. They were all so encouraging to me and so very genuine in their struggles and victories. God knew exactly what He was doing by placing me there this past weekend.

At first I couldn't understand why God would have me start this process if He didnt intend for me to finish it, but I finally got it through my thick skull that I had to see for myself that I wasn't ready and that God has a lot of work to do on me.

I'm so thankful that He spoke to me so clearly and used those girls in my life to shape me into what He wants me to be. God has plans for me that I can't see right now, but I am trusting Him to show me exactly where it is He wants me. I know one thing for sure: He wants me to me more bold in sharing my faith in my circle of influence. So feel free to hold me accountable for that. I'm giving you permission. It's time for me to grow up and stop hiding behind my pride and self-confidence issues. Enough is enough. God wants all of me. Not part of me. It's all or nothing. I'm surrendering over all that I have. I count it all as loss compared to knowing and serving Him.

Now back to the hymn. I'm so thankful God placed this song in my heart. It's no surprise that I am distracted so easily from everything. It's actually pretty sad. Y'all all know my weakness when it comes to Christian conferences, so as the attack came at me, I just started singing in my head {wrong words and all}. Now just two days later, I still am singing that song and reminding myself to keep focusing on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. When I am focused on Him, the things of earth {i.e. marriage, dating, popularity, weight, looks, money, etc} grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. I am not looking ahead to the future. Where my time spent there is futile. Nothing I dream up or imagine is real life and it only serves as a hindrance to God working in my life. I am not looking behind at the pain, the mistakes, or the memories which only hold me back from God's plans today. I am focusing my eyes on Jesus where they belong.

Praise God that He's not done working on me. I'm always a work in progress.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna