{you're so vain}

and by you're, I mean I'm. I'm so vain.

Let me clarify. My teeth. I hate them. My teeth have been the source of numerous self-image issues. To say that my teeth have bothered me is the understatement of the {century}. I had braces from 5th to 7th grade. talk about traumatizing. The only bright side to that was that I got the dang things off before I started 7th grade which was a pretty big deal at my small school. moving up the hill. as we called it. sorry, I drifted there. Anyway, I was so thankful to get rid of those things that the retainer {they told a thirteen year old to wear morning, noon, and night} was quickly lost forgotten. I knew it was a bad idea, but I wasn't old enough or mature enough to really see the consequences that would come later.

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well, welcome to later. here I am at twenty-three years old. unhappy with my teeth. {rightfully so considering this is all my fault} I love to smile. so much. I love to smile at everyone. and I really mean everyone. I especially love to smile at people who least expect it. I love to see the surprise on their face. {especially when I am in East Asia. It really catches them off guard} My hope and prayer is that in some small way I can shine the light of Christ in my smile. Maybe. Just maybe a smile can open their heart. Over the years, I have just dealt with my insecurities and at least come to terms with some of them. I've learned to smile anyway and ignore the imperfections; however, it's always been at the back of my mind. something to deal with later. there's that word again. later. I've spent too much of my life saying later. There are more medical-related complications behind my desire to fix my teeth that are just a little too confusing for me, but here lies my problem:

Inevitably, I'm getting braces. Going into this process I was quite set on either getting invisalign or the new "behind the teeth" braces, because like I already clearly stated, I am so vain. I care what people think. I care about what I look like. I care about what my smile looks like. I care what I look like in pictures. Well, {unfortunately for my ridiculously vain thoughts) I just don't know what to do. It's slightly {very likely} possible that God wants me to prove that it's not about looks. it's not about what others think. I know He is trying to make a point in my life, and I am struggling against Him tooth and nail. I think He wants me to do the exact thing I don't want to do. Get the regular braces. wow. I think it actually pains me to say that. whew. I wish there was a magic eight ball built into the Bible. I need answers. And clear ones at that. I'm at a loss. Why does God always want to make me a better Christian? Why does He always want me to grow? Sometimes I just don't want to. 

Why am I writing about this? I have no idea. Maybe I'm writing for accountability. advice. suggestions. prayers. I don't know. I just know that when God lays things on my heart, I have a responsibility to share it for even that one person who might need to hear that someone else struggles too. And by struggle, I mean STRUGGLE. When I started this blog, I promised both God and you {those of you who are brave enough to read my crazy thoughts} that I would share from my  heart {the good, the bad, and the ugly}. this is my ugly. I'm vain and forgive me for continuing to use this word over and over again, but there really is no other word to use to describe me.

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In these moments, I'm clinging to these verses. Isaiah 43:1-3 "Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

There is far more to the story and weighing on my heart. but I think you got the gist of it. I'm not perfect. Far from it actually. But God continues to whisper these words into my heart, and I can't help but succumb to His words. the redeeming power of his love. He saw me as worthy. worthy of His love. of His forgiveness. of His salvation. of His embrace. worthy of being rescued.

My struggles are real {as real as the keyboard beneath my fingers}. No matter the struggle, I belong to Christ. He calls me by name. I am His. If no one {on this earth}ever looks at me and tells me that I'm worthy, it won't matter. because God loved me first. loved me last. and loved me always. 

Sweet Relief

I have {what I'd like to call} a short blurb that I've chosen to describe myself. The first line of it is "missions is my heart." And if you know me at all, that one was a no-brainer. There really aren't words to describe the feeling I have when I'm in Ukraine or East Asia or anywhere else in the world for that matter. I can't explain. I can't help but look at my life every now and then and wonder why I'm one of the few who aches to be in another country.

It sounds crazy, right? You don't think I've thought the same thing? Well, I have. Many times. Just any little thing will set me off into crazy, absurd, emotional breakdowns. The sight of my {still needing to be unpacked} suitcase in my floor will trigger it. The note from my little rabbit, Lily, in the front of my Bible. The sound of I Have Decided to Follow Jesus playing on the piano. More times than not I just lie in bed and wonder about the future. Your guess is as good as mine, but one thing I know for sure is that God has {GREAT} things in store.

You know East Asia isn't my {what you might call} "home" country, but since coming "home" I've realized that there is something I find so refreshing and relieving when I am there. {as always, you had to know I was gonna bring this back around to my usual and probably somewhat annoying topic of marriage/singleness}

When I'm there, there's no pressure, no there-must-be-something-wrong-with-her stares, no pity, no sympathy. Only {sweet relief}. No one and I mean no one asks me when I'm getting married. No one thinks it's strange that I'm in no hurry to find a husband. No one finds it strange that I am unmarried at the ripe old age of 23. No one. Not a single person. And you want to know something even crazier? The majority of my friends there {who might I add are all older, my age, or just a couple years younger} aren't in serious relationships. Most of their parents are actually discouraging them from dating so as to keep them focused on their school work. What a crazy idea? Spend college focused on school? Who thought of that brainless idea? Oh wait, that is actually pretty genius. Maybe someone will actually get the chance to enjoy being a twenty-something. I know I sure am.

Side note: I believe the word "home" to be a relative term. The saying that "home is where your heart is" accurately defines it.

Anyway ... all that to say, I long to live in a world where marriage is not a pressure. that it's okay to be single. that life will go on even if I'm not married by the age of 24.

I still miss East Asia. There still aren't words to express the void in my heart when I'm not there. I just found a bracelet in my purse that my friend Dale gave me on the night before I left. and the memories flood in.

Please forgive me for the scattered post. I probably shouldn't even post this one, but maybe it has some purpose that I'm not aware of.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Matter of the Heart

Sometimes God can be so relentless. I have been trying for weeks now to write a complete post, but no matter how hard "I" try, the words just get jumbled in my brain with no hope of ever coming out. That is unless I stop trying to write without the Lord's guidance. In His timing, He has given me the words I couldn't find by myself.

I would have to say that nearly all {if not all} Christian girls love the verse in 1 Samuel 16 about God looking at the heart not at the outward appearance like the world does. Of course we love that, because we all desire to be beautiful by someone's standards. And when we don't quite measure up to the world's standard of beauty, we can always find our beauty in Christ. Yet I've found that we, girls, {me especially} love to hold ourselves to God's standards when it comes to outward appearance, but when we are looking for that one man for us to marry, we automatically revert back to our world view of outward appearances. Is he handsome enough? Is he tall enough? Is he smart enough? Are his teeth straight enough? Is his hair dark enough?

But where is the only question that matters ... Is God the center of his life?

Well, it's no secret that I have pretty high standards for when it comes to dating and especially marriage. Setting aside the misconstrued ideas taught in churches about marriage, I am thankful to my sunday school teachers and youth retreat leaders for encouraging and helping me to set very high {Godly} standards for a man to date or one day marry. One of my best friends in high school actually came across my list {which I keep in my Bible}, and he was less than impressed. He told me that the guy I had outlined on my neat little notecard/checklist did not exist. I was quite indignant that he does exist. I have wavered a bit in my confidence over the years, and although I don't believe that exact guy is out there {because let's be honest, my list was quite extensive but in my defense I was only 17 when I wrote my longest list}, I do believe that if it is God's plan for me to marry, then that guy is out there somewhere.

I strongly believe that it is important to have high standards.seriously. Too many girls are scared to set high standards, because they think either they will never find him or they aren't good enough for him. {him being the one man in the world who is in God's plan for your life and who actually meets those high standards} The problem with these high standards isn't the standards in and of themselves but the focus of them. Far too often we allow our standards to shift toward outward appearances and away from the most important standard which is his relationship with God. Let's be serious, girls. No relationship with God should mean no relationship with you.

This is quite embarrassing to admit, but when I meet a guy, I automatically start down my checklist in my head which wouldn't be so bad if I had gotten it from scripture. Instead I am checking off my outward checklist. Tall. Check. Plays Guitar. Check. Funny. Check. Handsome. Check. Plays Basketball. Check. Sings. Check.

Now don't get me wrong. These things are {not} bad at all! BUT they become bad things when they take the place of the spiritual checklist.

A long time ago at one of our youth winter retreats, my group leader gave me a list of things to look for, and I must say despite the fact that it only has five criteria compared to the 50+ items on my list, it covers it all.

1) Jesus is his life, not just of his life. Deuteronomy 6:5
2) He has a humble and sensitive heart. Psalm 51:17
3) He is focused first on Christ and then on the needs of others. {NOT focused on you} 2 Corinthians 5:20
4) He is grounded in God's Word. The two of you agree on the basics of the faith. 1 Timothy 6:3-4
5) He has a strong and consistent time alone with God. {His time with God takes priority over time with you}. Psalm 84:10

This is so not where I thought this post was going, but I'm so glad God decided to teach me a lesson through it. Tonight God reminded me of this:

"Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Learning to be the light AND love,
Jenna

Millions of faces

What do you see when you close your eyes? {Considering I only know what I see, I can't even offer other possibilities ... oh well} What do I see? I see faces. millions of faces. I see every face that I have met and every face that needs the Lord. I see the looks of sadness, confusion, and fear. I see the inability to grasp just how wide, how long, how high, and how deep is the love of Christ.

Right now the faces I see the most are the ones in East Asia who know the truth yet aren't able or willing to accept it. Ralph. Sisi. Dong Dong. April. In the days leading up to my dreaded departure back to summer school and reality, seeing these faces with my eyes open and closed left me broken and hurting. During the late hours of the night, Kayla and I put words and music to my aching heart. God placed these words in my heart and they just overflowed onto the paper. Over the next few days, I struggled with a name for the song, because there were no words to sum up the true meaning of the song. As I stood in an airport hotel in Beijing with tears running down my face, it finally hit me. The song was about Ralph, but I couldn't name the song that. The song was written for so many people who are struggling to find the light even though it is shining right there for them to find. It hit me that there are millions of faces. not just one. From mine and Kayla's heart came this song, and it was truly inspired by God. Songwriting is definitely new to me {and Kayla a.k.a. Kayler is the music pro}, so the song is probably not theologically sound ... no need to analyze some deeper meaning.

 {Millions of Faces}

When you've lost your way

And the path is in darkness

The millions of faces

Passing you by

Each new day brings a whole new pain

You can't see past the hurt and shame

The light will shine for everyone to see

The darkness will flee; and the fears of this world will cease

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim  the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

When you look ahead

There's a light at the end

Filled with a love that's

Guiding your way

But this light leads to more than a dream

What awaits you is hope and peace

The light will shine for everyone to see

The darkness will flee; and the fears of this world will cease

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim  the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

Come unto me; all who are weary

Come unto me; you're meant to break free

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim the light in the hearts of these people

We claim the light in the people of this city

We claim the light; We'll shine it bright

We claim the light when we shine the light of Christ

There are millions of faces passing you by

Ralph has been searching for something more for a very long time. He says he knows the light is there, but he can't see for all the hurt and shame. He blames God for every painful thing that has happened in his life. He sees God as this man sitting in the clouds waiting to throw another curve ball at him. Others like April and Sisi are more worried about their culture and the dreams they have had since childhood. They can't let go of the past. Dong Dong thinks science has all the answers. He has questions and wants the answers to every single one of them. As I thought and prayed over these friends and the last few days with them, I just kept thinking how I wanted to claim the light in their hearts and in all of these people. I declare that Satan has no foothold in their lives. Satan may be rejoicing right now over his momentary victories, but they will only be momentary. He may be winning small battles, but my God has already won the war. We claim the light of Christ in the hearts and lives of the people of East Asia and the peoples of this entire world. One way we can claim the light is by shining it for all of them to see. We will shine it {BRIGHT} for all to see. 

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Matthew 11:28-30

No Words

I have so many things on my heart and in my mind. So many things that I want to share with all of you. Things about my trip around the world. Things about what I learned. Things about life. I want to share what God has taught me. What He is teaching me. I want to share all of these things with you, but I can't. I have no words. none. zilch. zero. My mind seems a little hazy and confusing. I can't formulate any real thoughts other than the following:

I wish I was still in East Asia.
The feeling of being sick all day every day is getting old.
I don't want to get on another plane for at least a year.
I hope my aunt and cousins are truly feeling God's comfort right now during this time of their loss.
I wish I was still in East Asia.
I miss my friends.
I frequently forget which country I am in and almost start speaking a foreign language.
I don't want to be in summer school.
I will graduate in exactly one year.
I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.
I wish I was still in East Asia.
All I want to do is go back home.
I have no motivation to be responsible at the moment.
I hope I can make it through this week in one piece.
I wish I was still in East Asia.

Well, I promise all of my travels and lessons amount to far more than is conveyed in the above thoughts in my head, but it is all I can offer at the moment.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna