Abide

I used to be afraid of being alone. I would rather not do it at all than do it alone.

Eating at a restaurant. Going to the movies. Working out. Enjoying the park. 

I think I dreaded the pity in people's eyes.  But really I dreaded my own pity. 

I'm slowly but surely learning the value of being alone. And how good it has been for my soul. 

Currently as I type I'm swinging in City Park allowing the glorious rays of the sun to warm my bear arms following a pathetic run. It's January but somehow New Orleans knows how to get some amazing weather when everybody else is bundling up around the country.  

I've rarely if ever experienced such peace in the still, quiet aloneness (thought I made this word up but turns out it's in the dictionary) of the moment. 

After the absolute worst excuse for a run the week before I do a half marathon that left me quite near a full blown panic attack with labored breathing, I felt an overwhelming need to just hear from God's Word. So I opened my Bible app like all other good smartphone Christians. And thanks to SheReadsTruth's John study, I opened my e-Bible to John 15. 

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5 ESV)

Abide. I'm all about looking words up for their definition/meaning and even Hebrew/greek translation. Check these out.

 

I couldn't pick just one. All of them give me such a better and beautiful picture of what Jesus was saying in those verses.

Have you ever tarried along? I'm not exactly one to tarry. I actually am that person who speeds walks with a purpose everywhere I go. People who tarry make me anxious. Remember that I'm a planner therefore that comes with to do lists and plans which must be done in a limited amount of time. There is no time to tarry. 

Jesus is saying to me remain/stand/stay/tarry/continue in Me. Sometimes that means for me to stop running around and tarry a little longer with Jesus. More than that, I think for me He is teaching me that what to me may be aloneness (my possible made up word of the day) is Him calling me to abide in Him. 

A week from tomorrow I will participate in a half-marathon which I only committed to do because I wasmt gonna to have to do it alone. Well things happened and guess who's going it alone. Yep, me. But I'm taking this as Jesus calling me to abide. Just remain. Just tarry. Just continue on. 

Outplanning the Planner

That's me. The planner. I'm good at it. You want something planned. I'm your girl.

I mean. Have you seen my planner?

Erin Condren made my planner dreams come true in 2012 thanks to a lovely {& God-sent, of course} grad school classmate. That's beside the point. I love to plan things. I love writing my weekly/monthly/yearly schedule down in order to make lists and be as prepared as possible for what's to come each new planner year.

Well, the planner {that's me ... keep up} has officially been outplanned. I don't know if "outplanned" is truly a word but if it's not, just go with it for now.

{side note/disclaimer/warning: I've never really tried to hide my oddities. Not in person. And never on here. I want people to know I am real and possibly even crazy. I think it shows that God can use anyone ... even you ... if He can use me.}

So my plans. There have been 5 year plans. 10 year plans. There's even been 20 year plans. A little much you say? Oh yes, definitely, but I warned you that I'm a planner. I planned to graduate high school. check. go the the W. check. join a social club. check. go to grad school. check. graduate and get a job. check.

Many of my plans have been wonderfully successful and fulfilling. But somewhere along the way, I felt the need to pick two dates in the "distant" future  which would just work perfectly for the planner to get married. I knew I wouldn't be married by 22. My dating life was nonexistent and no potential in sight. I set my sights far, far out there.

March 15, 2014 & March 14, 2015. two perfect dates. March: my favorite month of the year. Good weather. Saturday before typical spring break for honeymoon purposes. I planned for everything. What I didn't plan for was the "no husband" part.

I clung to those dates as if me verbalizing/setting this plan would automatically make it become God's plan. It was where I placed my hope for marriage. I can go another day being single because it's not forever. I have dates. I have plans.

But God. I take note every time I see these words in the Bible, because it is the certainty of a God who is in control of my past, present, and future.

But God is the Ultimate Planner. He knows best and what will ultimately bring him the most glory. Obviously one date has passed me by and the second date of March 14, 2015 is most definitely not gonna be my wedding day. So where does that leave me? Hopeless? Disappointed? Unloved? Unworthy? Depressed? Lonely? These might be feelings that are felt along the journey but they do not describe me or who I am even as we quickly approach my second and last planned wedding day.

I still have hope in a God who never fails me, never leaves me, and never forsakes me. I still feel loved by a God who created me and knows my heart intimately. I feel joyful and honored that God has chosen me for this singleness journey. Maybe my singleness is only for a season. Maybe it's for a lifetime. I can officially say this planner does not know. I'm turning over my plans to the Lord and trusting that He will bring about the best in my life, because I want God to be glorified more than I want to be married.

2015 // flourish

A new year. A blank slate. A fresh start.

There's no real physical change from December 31 11:59pm to January 1 12:00am. It's just another day. It's the same phenomenon that happens every night when we go to bed and wake up the next morning.

But there's something about that end of the year rolling over minute. Those first 60 seconds of the new year. A breath of fresh air. A chance to let go of everything from the previous year and take hold of everything that God has in store for the new year.

I almost always set goals for the year. Sometimes I reach those goals. Sometimes I don't. Seeing as last year was the first year of this vast open calendar which is my life from year to year now that I am out of school, I didn't really set any goals. I wanted to go back to East Asia, and I did. I wanted to grow in my relationship with God, and I did. I'd say that was pretty successful.

This year I am taking a two-fold approach. A word for the year. & some specific, attainable, and necessary goals.

Part 1 // My word for 2015:flourish.

Let me start with my the definition of my word from Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

flour·ish
verb \ˈflər-ish, ˈflə-rish\

: to grow well : to be healthy
: to be very successful : to do very well

intransitive verb

:  to grow luxuriantly :  thrive

:  to achieve success :  prosper flourish

 noun

 :  a period of thriving
:  a luxuriant growth or profusion flourish

of white hair> flourish of color>

:  a sudden burst flourish of activity> 

Just the word itself just brings to mind a bouquet of flower buds that look so delicate and small but overnight burst open into an array of colors with so much life and vibrancy. When I started to think about the upcoming 365 days, I want to experience growth in my relationship with God. The difference is that I don't want to just grow, I want to flourish. I love the synonyms // thrive:prosper. I desire for my walk with the Lord to more than just be. I want it to thrive:prosper:flourish. To be so virbrant that Jesus is just bursting from inside of me.

Part 2 // Goals. Very reasonable goals that will help me to flourish in my relationship with God.

one. Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memorization Team. 2 verses per month. 24 verses total.

two. Half-Marathon. not just one but two of them. {I'm officially crazy}.

three. One year chronological Bible reading plan. Finish it in September.

four. Bible journaling. This is something I am so looking forward to. You can be assured you will see/read much more about this in the upcoming 365 days.

And that my friends is my two-fold plan for 2015. I have no set plans for this year. I am literally just going with the flow.

Wherever God leads, I will follow.

2015 is all for you, Lord.