When the Struggle isn't Obvious

We all struggle. Obviously all differently but sometimes the same. We share struggles but we also have our unique struggles.

I know our struggles compared to that of a starving child's in a third world country do not seem to be a struggle at all. Let's just go ahead and get that out of the way. This is true; however, we are human and struggles hurt our hearts all the same.

Struggles seem to have earned some type of taboo. I believe there is a gigantic difference between complaining about our struggles and working through our struggles. For this reason, many people choose to struggle in silence. Not opening up. Not sharing with anyone.

It's hard. I know. People won't understand. It will make us vulnerable. There must be something wrong with our relationship with the Lord if we're struggling.

I don't agree. People may not understand, but they can listen to us, pray for us, love on us. Vulnerability is tough. But there is so much freedom in it. Not having to hide anything. Being free to share our hearts and the deepest hurts we have. Even Jesus told us that we would struggle in this world. He knows our hearts. No matter how strong our relationship with the Lord, struggles can still exist.

I know this from experience. Over the last month or so, I have been struggling through a dark funk. Maybe it started after I stopped my 31 day blogging challenge. As hard as that was, it was totally worth it. I've missed it this month. But I have been struggling on the inside. For a while, I hid it away. I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I had just come off this super high of a blogging challenge where my faith and relationship with God had grown leaps and bounds, yet I was gonna sit here and say I'm struggling. What kind of Christian does that make me? But what I've come to see is that makes me human. That makes me real.

                     

Once I was tired of hiding the struggle, I started reaching out. One by one, I sought out people I trust, people who love me, people who I knew would pray for me. I was so weary from begging/pleading with God to take this struggle away that I no longer had the words to pray. I knew I needed some backup.

The hardest moments were at night. Taking Melatonin was my only out. If I didn't take something to sleep, I would lie awake for hours. tossing and turning. praying and crying. begging and pleading. Just desperate for God to heal my heart from the confusion. the hurt. the longing. the loss. all of it. It was torment. It left me feeling spiritually weak and weary. I was scared to sleep without taking something to stop my brain and help me sleep. {anybody else pray for an off switch for their brain?}
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Side note: But when it came time to step out from behind my door, I put my smile on. I have a job to do. I have friends who don't want to hang out with negative nellie. I know people who are suffering/struggling through far worse things.

It all goes to show that we never know what people are going through. We, as Christians, are called to love, care for, and nurture the hurting. Are we asking the right questions? Are we being intentional in our relationships that they would even trust us with their struggles? Are we praying for our friends/neighbors/acquaintances? Are we putting ourselves out there to be used by God to mend others' hearts?
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Back to the story. Last night I did something I don't normally allow myself to do, I reread a conversation that has been primary source of my struggle. I love words. Writing words in a way that speaks love, truth, laughter into hearts is a joy for me. But the other side of that is words hurt me. Words slice straight through my heart and stick with me. I replay words over and over again in my brain. From rereading this conversation, I read it in a totally different light. I saw the truth of their words and not some emotional interpretation from several months ago.

In that moment God freed me from those words. He freed me from that struggle. My first reaction was to text my friend to tell her that I felt the struggle lift from my heart right then. Her response was this: I've been praying for you.

God sees our hearts. He sees our struggles. Let's shed some light {God's light} onto our struggles. Let's bring them out from behind closed doors and allow the Son shine to do its healing work. Let's invite our people in to help us. Let's experience that freedom.

If My Heart is Overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice, I hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith. 

I will believe. 

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of your Son. 

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

Overwhelmed. That word doesn't even seem to cut it right now. I've been battling that inner voice in my head for several months now about whether or not I felt like I could truly share some of my most shameful and painful struggles that have come out of this new season of my life. Facebook and Instagram paint a pretty nice and neat picture of this new venture I set out on in August. And the truth is that is has been great. I love my life in NOLA, and the fun portrayed in those pictures is the real deal. But this is Vulnerability 101. Diving into the good, the bad, and the ugly. This, my friends, is my ugly.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes reflecting on the last few months and looking ahead to the next few months, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Being an adult is hard. Life is hard. I always looked ahead to these years of my life with rose-colored glasses thinking it would be the best time of my life. For the record, singleness doesn't automatically imply an easy life just because I don't have the demands of a family or the needs of a husband. I have such a strong desire to be present in my current stage of life and serve the Lord wherever He calls me which leads to its own unique problems.

All that to say, moving to NOLA was a direct call from God that I chose to follow. I do not doubt that for one second. I was already somewhat tight on finances before moving from MS, but moving to LA quadrupled my financial strain. I hadn't saved up like I would've liked to in order to make such a major move; therefore, I was left with a choice. I'm not proud of my choice. I'm actually quite embarrassed by the credit card debt that I have accrued in order to live and eat down here. It seemed so reasonable and easy at the time. My salary doesn't even cover all of my bills at this point. I am in over my head. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I feel compelled to be honest about my journey and the mistakes I've made. Would I have done it differently if I had it to do over again? I don't know. I didn't see any other choice and still don't. So now I'm at a point where I am in constant fear of overdrafting my account, frustration over not being able to buy groceries, and exhaustion from carrying this burden.

I don't say all of this to generate pity or sympathy. I genuinely just want to take this moment/post to put words to my struggle. Sometimes this is the only way I can let go of the fear by allowing God to write my heart out on this blog. I have taken on one side job in the afternoons but my time is already too crunched between church, work, and seminary obligations. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and the strain on my heart has finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Today was the final straw.

I'm digging my own way out of this hole and by my own way I mean through God's provision. Paying back every painful cent by cent. I wish there was an easy fix, but I'm afraid that the consequences of this particular situation is gonna be haunting me for awhile. There is a light. I can see it. God has provided. He will sustain me.

If you're in a similar situation {which I pray you are not}, you should first know that you're not alone. Second of all, God is with you. He has not left you. Third of all, God hears you.  And last but not least, God is working even amidst the storm. I'm quite certain this storm is of my own doing, and that's what makes it even harder to endure. But I cling to my Anchor, my Refuge, and my Hope. You have the same God at your side. Run to him.

If you don't know what it's like to be in this situation {which I pray you haven't}, take a minute and just praise the Lord for that. What a blessing. On the other hand, I know there is probably something else. Another painful struggle. Whether that's of your own doing or not. No matter what you're going through, those four truths about God listed in that last paragraph still apply.

To everyone out there struggling, hear these words ..

When my heart is filled with hope every promise comes my way. When I feel your hands of grace rest upon me. Staying desperate for You, God. Staying humble at Your feet. I will life these hands in praise. 

I will believe.

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of Your Son.

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}