Show me a single, Christian girl who can go to a Christian conference filled with solid, God-fearing men and not think about finding a man/husband, and I'll show you a saint whom I would love to meet and find out her secret.
As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.
Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.
God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Friday, December 30, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas in a Cup
Note my use of the word "thought." I "thought" I had found Christmas in a cup until tonight when I truly did find Christmas in a cup of gingerbread hot chocolate, and NO, I don't mean the taste of it but the way I got it. Now picture this, you've got me, my mom, and my dad (the 3 musketeers as I like to call us) on Christmas Eve with nothing really to do but look at each other, so about a month ago I decided I wanted to go to IHOP on Christmas Eve after seeing a commercial on TV for their holiday pancakes (yes, I realize that I am admitting what a fatty I am, but the story is so worth it! haha!). There is absolutely nothing special about IHOP, and my parents were less than thrilled to say the least. You would think that I would have preferred some homecooked meal or fancy dinner, but all I wanted was some ridiculously unhealthy pancakes. Humorously, I ended up getting turkey bacon, eggbeaters, and pumpkin pancakes which were far more on the healthy side than almost everything else on the menu there. As we were leaving, I saw a picture of some Gingerbread hot chocolate, and like the 6 year old I am, I said, "mommy, please!" She kind of ignored me at first, but as she was paying, she asked me if I really wanted some ... and I was like, "YEAH!" (I know ... very mature). So I proceeded to ask the hostess girl for a gingerbread hot chocolate to go, and as I asked for it, our sweet little waiter said he would get it and not to charge us. My mom, dad, and I all stood there somewhat dumbfounded, and I more than likely needed to pick my jaw up off the floor. This kind, sweet boy handed me my hot chocolate and said, "Merry Christmas." It was all I could do to get a thank you out of my mouth.
It was in this cup of gingerbread hot chocolate that it felt I truly experienced the real meaning of Christmas in America. After spending 2 Christmases away from family where there are no expensive presents or fancy foods to distract you from celebrating the birth of Christ, it's hard to spend a Christmas in America where although everyone "claims" to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, I would venture to say that most don't. This boy couldn't have been older than 18, yet he did such a kind thing for a complete stranger. To someone else it may have been only a cup of hot chocolate, but to me it was a gift from God, a reminder that He is always with me, always holding me, always taking care of me, and always listening to my prayers. We are never alone, and I am so thankful that God reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas in a cup of hot chocolate.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Many Hearts Beating for One
This title may sound puzzling to any other mind than my own, but if you've ever read my blog before, you can't possibly be surprised by my typically puzzling ways. I am referring to my heart alone as many, and although I only have one heart beating inside my body, I seriously have at least 4 hearts which are fully developed and beating strong around the world for one God, my Savior, Healer, Defender, and Abba.
My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.
This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.
Learning to love,
Jenna
My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.
This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Monday, December 19, 2011
Perspective
Pity parties are my specialty. Really. I have perfected the art of throwing pity parties. Mine are always filled with excessive eating, endless tears, and a sole guest of ME. In the midst of my infamous pity parties, the world revolves around me and me alone ... the things I don't have, the things that I regret, the things that hurt me. In the midst of my dramatic and ridiculous pity parties, I actually convince myself that things could not get any worse and that my life is the worst it could be.
Cue the wake-up call from God...
Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.
I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.
Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.
WOW. Thank God for new perspective.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Cue the wake-up call from God...
Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.
I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.
Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.
WOW. Thank God for new perspective.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Welcome to Reality
Do you ever wake up from a dream and close your eyes really quickly, squeeze them shut, and hope that you can return for just a moment longer to enjoy something that never happens in reality? And after lying completely still for about three solid minutes in hopes of returning to those few moments of bliss, you give up in hopelessness. The dream is gone ... as gone as yesterday's news. How depressing. It wasn't real. I very rarely have dreams that I can remember much less get so deeply involved that I mistake it for reality, but when I do have them, they are intense and so real it would seem I could actually reach out and touch ... and actually feel something. I know this is a little strange, but true nonetheless. I honestly don't know why or how I fall into this trap every time, but somehow I do. The worst part is waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and realizing that it was all just a dream. Let's just say ... only in my dreams. Dreams are great, but when we get so caught up in dreams, we lose sight of the joys of reality. Although reality isn't always what we would choose, shouldn't we be okay with the fact that reality is exactly where God wants us. Reality is that God has a special plan for our lives. I think that is my greatest struggle to accept the reality I have been given. Back a couple months ago, I was driving (which seems to be all that I do these days) back from my cousin's birthday party, and I was just making my way down the interstate. As I looked up ahead of me, I saw some really strange form on the road. At first it resembled a huge monster, then I convinced myself it was an eighteen wheeler on the back of an eighteen wheeler, and THEN I decided it was really a monster. I was so confused, and I just could NOT figure out what it was. Finally, as I drove closer to it, there it was (plain as day).... a golf cart. Really? A golf cart? I did not see that one coming. Isn't that life though? We see things from miles away and make a judgement based on the distorted view we have, but as we get closer, the whole picture seems to become clearer. This happens to me so often in life, and I feel like it can really apply to the topic of choice which is ... duh! marriage. As singles, we look at marriage as this amazing, perfect, and wonderful thing that just completes life, but in reality, it has its hardships, troubles, and heartaches same as singleness. We have such a bad habit of distorting reality into what our eyes are telling us we see versus seeing it for what it really is.
This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.
Learning to love,
Jenna
This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.
Learning to love,
Jenna
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