Sunday {Scripture}

After choosing this verse for the week, it is ridiculously funny how many times God has used it to remind me that His grace is sufficient for me. HIS power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more in my weaknesses.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Weight of the World

Weight. I hate that word. My driver's license has been a complete and total lie ever since I got my learner's permit at the age of 15. Unfortunately, it was long before that when I first experienced debilitating shame over my weight. I'm trying to think back to the first time I looked in the mirror and really saw that I had a problem. Sadly, it wasn't until probably 7th grade that the truth smacked me in the face despite the fact that it had been a problem since 2nd grade when my fam moved to Grenada. What happened? Well, I have my theories, but ultimately, I ate my feelings, ate when I was bored, and ate to fit in. How was I supposed to know that my body is like predisposed to being obese. Nonetheless, 7th grade is when it really caught up to me, because I started noticing little things here and there that were different between me and my friends. At the time, I had no idea the battle I was destined to fight for the next 10 years of my life and so on. I remember the first time I had to get a physical for basketball {all of my friends at the same time in the same place}. We all stood in line waiting to be weighed, and that was it. The moment I had been dreading for months. The fear of someone seeing the scale and knowing how much I weighed frightened me immensely. I cringe looking at pictures from those times in my life when my weight was crazy out of control, because surprisingly there was a year here and there when I did get my weight under control. Those were good times. The saddest thing is that I know/remember what those times felt like when I had lost the weight and let it get back this way. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I got to my lowest weight ever {thanks to one of the most amazing women on earth, Mrs. Patti} that I finally looked in the mirror and saw a face I recognized as the girl I'd seen inside all along. Why did I let that slip through my fingers? College hit me like a ton of bricks along with the lack of basketball for exercise, new levels of stress, emotional eating habits, and outside circumstances. I think my weight has fluctuated more in the last 5 years than it ever has. The last five years have been a weight roller coaster, but the one thing that hasn't changed is my complete lack of self-confidence. In high school, I blamed my singleness on small school, small town, etc, and I had convinced myself that college would be completely different. College happened, and still nothing. That's when it happened. I started associating my worth with my weight and my weight with my singleness. Pathetic, I know. Throughout undergrad, I've practically met every Christian guy in the state and almost the South {slight exaggeration ... okay, huge exaggeration}, and still nothing. So let me just break down my train of thought for you. Overweight Jenna=singleness, overweight Jenna+singleness=worthless.

Faulty thinking at its best. I have felt like my entire life has been defined by my weight. The craziest thing is that I don't remember a single stage of my life where I haven't heard the words, "have you lost weight?" Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing those words, but at some point, I just think that people probably know that's what I like to hear. My struggle with my weight has been a lifelong struggle {at least as far back as I can remember}, BUT now for the good news.

Over the years, God has been working in my heart to change this thinking. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He created my inmost being. Yes, I struggle with my weight. Yes, from this struggle stems a million other issues, but God is using each and every struggle in my life to draw me ever closer to Him. I'm not healthy the way that I am right now. I know that. I am trying to get my weight back on track. Not to feel beautiful, wanted, or accepted, but to please and glorify my God. Whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

via Pinterest

This is what I need to get through this week. I need God who is my strong tower. He is my shelter. He is my everlasting King.

Exactly ELEVEN days until this semester is over. God has brought me this far, and I know without a doubt that He will get me through the rest. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The light is shining on me bringing warmth to my heart and soul. I see so clearly that God is making me into the woman He wants me to be and guiding me to His good and perfect will.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Look Out Below

This may be a little shocking to some people, but despite my 4 years in a leadership program (2 of those as the intern), I never once had to do a trust fall. To be perfectly honest, even if they had told me to, I probably wouldn't have. Have you ever done a trust fall? It's not that I'm afraid of falling, because I do that ALL the time ... seriously, my middle name should have been clumsy. I'm not even afraid of most awkward team-building activities like this, because I have just about done them all. I'm typically only afraid of things that slither or move such as reptiles/bugs. This trust fall thing consists of a somewhat high platform with {randos} standing in a line facing each other with arms linked. Well, the only other thing I'm afraid of is trusting people. The thing that frightens me the most is that trusting those people on the ground who are supposed to catch me. I mean ... get real ... people I barely know are expected to catch me (overweight and all) before I hit the ground. NO THANK YOU. What makes this worse? I was one of those people waiting to catch someone one time. Supposedly you stand there with arms linked and such, but here came this over 6 foot tall guy, and wham ... epic fail. And I say again ... NO THANK YOU! I don't trust anyone that much. We can dissect my {people} trust issues at a later date, but for now ...

This leads me to the question of the hour: Do I trust God? and I mean "really" trust God? I know I've talked about this before, but I'm gonna tell you just how (un)trusting I am. I just want to be real ... you are not getting a {fake} version of me on here. If anything, you are probably getting more truth here than you will anywhere else. I never want to be perceived as if I'm perfect or holier than thou, because although I write about truths that God is teaching me, that doesn't mean that He's not gonna have to teach me those same lessons at least 5 more times before they sink in. Sorry ... back to the story. As stated in a previous post, I'm going out of the country in just 22 days, and this trip costs $2500. I'm sure if you didn't know that already, your jaw probably just dropped a few feet. Well, pick it back up and let's move on with the story ... I've lost count of the number of times I have had to raise money to travel overseas. Every time God tells me that I'm supposed to go somewhere, He provides in miraculous ways. So you may ask why on earth would I doubt that He would provide again? I don't know. If I knew, I would tell you, but for some reason, money just freaks me out. It's daunting to know that you are supposed to go overseas on a trip that you can't afford and just trust that the money is going to appear out of nowhere. Awhile back I wrote a post here about how I had like 4 problems standing in my way. Every obstacle was so clearly moved out of my way leaving one single obstacle in my way. Money. Money. Money. Here is the bad part that makes me sound so faith{less}. At the summer orientation for this trip, I asked my small group to pray about the money stuff, BUT I had a plan B just in case God forgot to do His thing. That's the awful part. I'm such an anal planner. I love to have everything planned down to how I am going to spend every minute of the day. Yep, I'm that serious about it. I had an entire PLAN B detail for detail worked out for what I was gonna do to ensure I went on this trip. I was basically going to empty my entire bank acct (which isn't much to brag about to begin with) and take out student loans for the rest of it. {extreme. I know} I had a plan to ensure my success. I'm such a joke.

Long story short. LHBC donation+entire bank acct+student loans+ ? = me being short $800. That was it ... that was all I had. From the beginning, I told God that if He wanted me to go, He had to provide the money. Like I also mentioned in the previous blog post linked above, my mom doubted that I could come up with the money on my own. I told my parents that I didn't want a dime from them. I knew that if this was God's will that He would provide in His timing. Well, I knew this {I really did}, but I could not help but doubt Him deep down. My mom and I had just talked on Saturday about how much money I needed now to send in to the company. My last hope was the precious family I've found at Artesia Baptist Church. Their prayer support was an absolute given. And they offered to take up a love offering for me on Sunday. I've never been so thankful in my life. I didn't know what to expect. I don't see myself as entitled to deserve such generous people who are willing to sacrifice in order to help me go, but I was praying with all my heart that this would happen. {Oops, long story not so short} Seriously ... skip to the end. God provided. These wonderful people who have taken me into their arms like one of their own provided the exact amount I needed plus more.Just enough that I don't have to take out any more loan money. {HALLELUJAH! PRAISE THE LORD!} When I made the decision to go back, I closed my eyes, and fell backward into the arms that will never let me fall. What a great God we serve.

Now if I can only trust Him in every other area. That's a story for another day.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

Learning To Be The Light

Travel Light. Live Light. Spread the Light. Be the Light.

Well, as you can obviously see, I've revamped my blog a little to more accurately describe where God is leading me with this blog. It has been such a crazy learning process to get to this point. I didn't know why God had me start this crazy thing, because a blog just like this cost me quite a few friendships in high school. {maturity level has definitely increased over the years} This blog is all about pointing others to Christ. It isn't about me or what I say. It's about what he is teaching me through my success and failures. The funny thing is that I go back and read my posts to remind me what God is trying to say to me. I'm sometimes always a little hard-headed. Mostly I'm learning to be the light that shines brightly for others to see more clearly to Him. He is the light that shines through me. I fail miserably on a daily basis to shine like I should, but that's why it's called learning.

Where did I come up with this Learning to be the Light? Well, this song has been stuck in my head for a few months now, and you can check out a video of it here. Such a great reminder that we are the light of the world. Reminds me of this verse: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16

So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give, so let the people come
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say
Oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms

This whole light theme has been surrounding me lately. My favorite childhood song was This Little Light of Mine, and not only did I share this song with countless campers at Garaywa but also with a number of East Asian friends who were seeing the light for the very first time. This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine. I want the light within my soul to shine so brightly that those around me can't help but see the light of Christ. During this season in my life, God is shining through my struggles as a single. I know there are many out there who share the same struggle, and there are others out there who are struggling differently but struggling all the same. No matter the struggle, we have a God that we can run to like a lighthouse. He shines brightly to guide us home. The waves may look like they will over come us. The sky may let loose torrential downpours. The boat may seem like it is going to toss you out. BUT focus on the LIGHT of Christ assuring you that He will calm every storm and all your fears.

Well this is it. This is me. I'm learning. Every. Single. Day. I'm learning to be the light.

Under Construction

Please forgive me as I attempt to make a few changes ... Excessive blog browsing has left me wanting more for my quaint little blog, so this may take some time.

Stay tuned ...