Weight. I hate that word. My driver's license has been a complete and total lie ever since I got my learner's permit at the age of 15. Unfortunately, it was long before that when I first experienced debilitating shame over my weight. I'm trying to think back to the first time I looked in the mirror and really saw that I had a problem. Sadly, it wasn't until probably 7th grade that the truth smacked me in the face despite the fact that it had been a problem since 2nd grade when my fam moved to Grenada. What happened? Well, I have my theories, but ultimately, I ate my feelings, ate when I was bored, and ate to fit in. How was I supposed to know that my body is like predisposed to being obese. Nonetheless, 7th grade is when it really caught up to me, because I started noticing little things here and there that were different between me and my friends. At the time, I had no idea the battle I was destined to fight for the next 10 years of my life and so on. I remember the first time I had to get a physical for basketball {all of my friends at the same time in the same place}. We all stood in line waiting to be weighed, and that was it. The moment I had been dreading for months. The fear of someone seeing the scale and knowing how much I weighed frightened me immensely. I cringe looking at pictures from those times in my life when my weight was crazy out of control, because surprisingly there was a year here and there when I did get my weight under control. Those were good times. The saddest thing is that I know/remember what those times felt like when I had lost the weight and let it get back this way. It wasn't until my senior year of high school when I got to my lowest weight ever {thanks to one of the most amazing women on earth, Mrs. Patti} that I finally looked in the mirror and saw a face I recognized as the girl I'd seen inside all along. Why did I let that slip through my fingers? College hit me like a ton of bricks along with the lack of basketball for exercise, new levels of stress, emotional eating habits, and outside circumstances. I think my weight has fluctuated more in the last 5 years than it ever has. The last five years have been a weight roller coaster, but the one thing that hasn't changed is my complete lack of self-confidence. In high school, I blamed my singleness on small school, small town, etc, and I had convinced myself that college would be completely different. College happened, and still nothing. That's when it happened. I started associating my worth with my weight and my weight with my singleness. Pathetic, I know. Throughout undergrad, I've practically met every Christian guy in the state and almost the South {slight exaggeration ... okay, huge exaggeration}, and still nothing. So let me just break down my train of thought for you. Overweight Jenna=singleness, overweight Jenna+singleness=worthless.
Faulty thinking at its best. I have felt like my entire life has been defined by my weight. The craziest thing is that I don't remember a single stage of my life where I haven't heard the words, "have you lost weight?" Now, don't get me wrong, I love hearing those words, but at some point, I just think that people probably know that's what I like to hear. My struggle with my weight has been a lifelong struggle {at least as far back as I can remember}, BUT now for the good news.
Over the years, God has been working in my heart to change this thinking. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well. He knit me together in my mother's womb. He created my inmost being. Yes, I struggle with my weight. Yes, from this struggle stems a million other issues, but God is using each and every struggle in my life to draw me ever closer to Him. I'm not healthy the way that I am right now. I know that. I am trying to get my weight back on track. Not to feel beautiful, wanted, or accepted, but to please and glorify my God. Whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God.
Learning to be the Light,
Jenna
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