{if onlys}

If only I were a master's degree-holding speech pathologist.
If only I knew what I was doing with my life.
If only I were actually dating.
If only I were married.
If only I had a family and children.
If only I were in another country.
If only I knew what was gonna happen next.
If only ....

You fill in the blank. What are your if onlys?

Mine are so numerous that I've really lost count of them. All of my if onlys stem from my impatience for life to happen on my terms and waiting on God to reveal His plan for me in His time.

I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. I'm tired of letting my lack of something and my if onlys determine my happiness. If only I knew how to change it. Oh the if onlys. {they drive me mad} They have started to pile up here recently. If only. If only God would just take away my desire for marriage and family, the pain would go away. But then of course my if only would just change to the next thing on the list. If onlys are getting me nowhere. If only I could get the news that someone is getting married or having a baby without being insanely jealous or feeling like my life will end without the same fate. My if onlys have completely sabotaged my happiness and gratitude for what I DO have. 

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I'm holding onto to my dreams of marriage and a family so hard. The tighter I hold onto those dreams, the more I doubt the promises made to me in the Scripture. The more I doubt whether Jer. 29:11 is really true. The more I doubt whether God really hears me.

It's only a mirage though. It's a dream. a decption. It's NOT real. God has me in His hands. He is never letting go. His plans are best even when I don't understand. No matter how badly I want to be married, to have a family of my own, to live in another country, and to live out all of dreams, and no matter if I NEVER actually receive any of those blessings from God, He is still good and merciful and loving and wonderful. He is enough for me and will always be enough for me.

Almost every time I go running now, one specific song comes on my iPod. Enough. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I only believe in divine intervention.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love.
And all I have in you is more than enough."

"More than all I want. More than all I need.
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know. More than all I can see.
You are more than enough for me." 

If I really believe that He is enough for me, then I will let go of these if onlys.

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I know this blog post is all over the place. You should hear my thought process. If you did, you'd wonder how I can even compose a complete sentence that actually makes sense.

It's so {easy} to say not my will but yours be done, but it is much harder to make it a truth in my life. I don't like the girl that I am. The girl who thinks she needs marriage and children to complete her. The girl who constantly dreams about a wedding and babies and happily every after. I don't like this girl. at all. But I just can't seem to get rid of her. Don't you think I would have ditched her by now if I could? I'm having to hand her over to God and constantly pray for Him to create in her a new heart which yearns for Him alone.

I do want His will and not mine. Really. I do. It's just a process that takes longer than I would like and hurts pretty badly sometimes. But I have hope that God is going to continue working in my heart. He is going to get me through this time in my life and every one after this. He's always good like that.

Are you struggling with if onlys? Well, if you are, guess what? You aren't alone.

The good news: God has it all under control.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

So Far to Find You

If you haven't heard the song So Far to Find You by Casting Crowns, click right there below on that play button. Seriously. Go ahead. It's worth it. Promise.

The song tells a beautiful story of adoption. If you know me at all, you know that I am strongly and passionately {for} adoption, and I think that it is one of the most beautiful things in life. To see a child find a forever family who will love and cherish that child as their own. Adoption {especially international adoption} can be one of the longest, hardest, and most difficult processes there is. It actually baffles me how difficult the process is. After seeing the {many, many} faces of the precious children in orphanages in both China and Ukraine, my heart melted into a puddle of heartbreak and sadness. Some of these children {in both the U.S. and countries all around the world} never find a forever family on earth, because all any one sees are the obstacles. the money. the time. the documents. No excuse is good enough though.

Because when you really think about it, our obligation privilege to adopt should be only magnified by the adoption into the body of Christ that we have all experienced. Scripture tells us that we have been adopted into the family of God as co-heirs with Jesus Christ. brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Here in your eyes I see

Reflections of myself

How I'm the child that's really running

But I can hear a voice that's whispering my name

Saying come to me, don't run from me

I'm all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

When I look into the eyes of these precious children {who might I add are just as loved by God as the ones who are born into their forever families}, how can I not see a reflection of myself? 

In my heart, I'm thinking these words: How often do I feel like that lonely child who keeps running form the arms that are welcoming me with love? How often am I the child who struggles against my {Father's} call? How often am I the child who refuses His love and all that He has for me? How often am I the child who won't give up the fight?

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

 

Never.Give.Up.

 I have ALWAYS doubted myself, and before I have even done something, I automatically assume I am incapable of doing it. Weight loss, for instance. I have been a debbie downer over my weight for longer than I can remember. I have only ever been able to see the here and now ... not what I am actually capable of doing.

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In my defense, most people who have known me have always doubted me {aside from my family}. It didn't help that I doubted myself at every turn. I can't help but ask myself why I still doubt what I am capable of it. I could always feel people looking down on me because of my age. that I was too young. always too something. Just as much as everyone else might have looked down on me, I can't blame them. I was already looking down on myself instead of embracing the opportunities that God has set before me. And see how He has set me up for success not failure. He wants to use me as an example in my speech, in my life, in my love, in my faith, and in my purity. He wants to use me. shortcomings and all.

The following is a list of things that I have accomplished that I NEVER thought possible:
Leader
Valedictorian
Undergrad
Hearin Intern
Graduate School

And really ... that's only the big things. There were a million other little things that seemed out of my reach, but somehow God brought me through and used me for His glory.. I know He only does it to prove just how MIGHTY and ALL-POWERFUL He is. I give Him the glory for all of that above. {all of it}. He gets all the glory.

Well, back to my weight. Once again. all the glory to God for the small amount of weight I have lost so far. And to top it off, I have been somewhat training for a 5k {that I haven't even registered for yet}, and even when I started, I doubted if I could ever actually accomplish this so impossible out of reach task. Well, I am on week 6 out of 8 and to my surprise, the dumb app actually wants me to run more every day. What was I thinking? Anyway, I have been putting off this 20 minute run for the past week {somewhat due to the holiday and somewhat due to my fear}. I even went so far as to re-run the previous day as an avoidance behavior. Well, Friday I decided to face my fears and attempt the impossible. the dreaded 20 minute run. I got on the treadmill with knots the size of my fist in my stomach. I just knew I couldn't do it. no way. not possible. I had already failed in my mind. {mind=biggest enemy} Despite my fear, I started to run, and lo and behold, 20 minutes later, I was the proud finisher of the 20 minutes run. Praise be to God. I was begging Him for mercy the entire time. There were still moments during those 20 minutes that I would start to panic with thoughts filled with can'ts, won'ts, and nots, and I had to immediately start pleading with God to carry me though. to give me the strength.

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I cannot even begin to express the feeling of accomplishment that I had at the end of that fateful run. PRAISE GOD. that is really all I can say. He deserves all the glory and more. I am filled with JOY. because He is working in me. He is using me. He is revealing Himself to me. little ole me. He fills me with joy. I am so much to be thankful for, and I refuse to doubt myself any longer. I can do anything that I set my mind to as long as God is on my side. He will never give up on me; therefore, I refuse to give up on anything. I will fight the good fight. I will press on toward the goal He has set before me. I will lead a life that is holy and pleasing to Him. I will do anything through Him who gives me strength. I will share His light. I will show His joy.

PRAISE GOD.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

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that's all.

learning to be the light, 

jenna