{if onlys}

If only I were a master's degree-holding speech pathologist.
If only I knew what I was doing with my life.
If only I were actually dating.
If only I were married.
If only I had a family and children.
If only I were in another country.
If only I knew what was gonna happen next.
If only ....

You fill in the blank. What are your if onlys?

Mine are so numerous that I've really lost count of them. All of my if onlys stem from my impatience for life to happen on my terms and waiting on God to reveal His plan for me in His time.

I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. I'm tired of letting my lack of something and my if onlys determine my happiness. If only I knew how to change it. Oh the if onlys. {they drive me mad} They have started to pile up here recently. If only. If only God would just take away my desire for marriage and family, the pain would go away. But then of course my if only would just change to the next thing on the list. If onlys are getting me nowhere. If only I could get the news that someone is getting married or having a baby without being insanely jealous or feeling like my life will end without the same fate. My if onlys have completely sabotaged my happiness and gratitude for what I DO have. 

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I'm holding onto to my dreams of marriage and a family so hard. The tighter I hold onto those dreams, the more I doubt the promises made to me in the Scripture. The more I doubt whether Jer. 29:11 is really true. The more I doubt whether God really hears me.

It's only a mirage though. It's a dream. a decption. It's NOT real. God has me in His hands. He is never letting go. His plans are best even when I don't understand. No matter how badly I want to be married, to have a family of my own, to live in another country, and to live out all of dreams, and no matter if I NEVER actually receive any of those blessings from God, He is still good and merciful and loving and wonderful. He is enough for me and will always be enough for me.

Almost every time I go running now, one specific song comes on my iPod. Enough. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I only believe in divine intervention.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love.
And all I have in you is more than enough."

"More than all I want. More than all I need.
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know. More than all I can see.
You are more than enough for me." 

If I really believe that He is enough for me, then I will let go of these if onlys.

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I know this blog post is all over the place. You should hear my thought process. If you did, you'd wonder how I can even compose a complete sentence that actually makes sense.

It's so {easy} to say not my will but yours be done, but it is much harder to make it a truth in my life. I don't like the girl that I am. The girl who thinks she needs marriage and children to complete her. The girl who constantly dreams about a wedding and babies and happily every after. I don't like this girl. at all. But I just can't seem to get rid of her. Don't you think I would have ditched her by now if I could? I'm having to hand her over to God and constantly pray for Him to create in her a new heart which yearns for Him alone.

I do want His will and not mine. Really. I do. It's just a process that takes longer than I would like and hurts pretty badly sometimes. But I have hope that God is going to continue working in my heart. He is going to get me through this time in my life and every one after this. He's always good like that.

Are you struggling with if onlys? Well, if you are, guess what? You aren't alone.

The good news: God has it all under control.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna