The Struggle Goes On

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but here of late, I've been struggling. and by struggling. I mean hard. As I shared back in July, I have started back out on my {never-ending} weight loss journey. Let's just say that the weekend before last was a dreadful disaster. And if we are totally honest, I pretty much have been a dreadful disaster throughout this whole process. No matter how much weight I have lost, I still see myself as I was before or how far I have to go. I'm such a mess. 

Despite how big of a mess I am, God has been constantly trying to remind me that I have been redeemed. that I am His beautiful mess. He is telling me that I have been set free if I will only shake off those heavy chains. I am redeemed. He says He's not done with me yet. Praise God for that. 

Redeemed 
by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

(Music & Lyrics: Mike Weaver / Benji Cowart)

You'd like to think that one day you will move past your struggles, right? I've always thought so. At so many points in my life, I have come to a point that I {think} I am going to defeat this weight struggle, but shortly after this thought, I fall right back into my old ways.

There are days that I feel so trapped inside this weight struggle that I've come to realize it will probably plague me my entire life. I've come to see my weight struggle a little differently.I know it is my struggle, but I also think that maybe {just maybe} this is the struggle that I have been given to me in order to draw me closer to God. If it weren't for this struggle, I don't know what He would have to use to force me to rely one Him.

The truth is this: I can't do this weight loss thing without Him. Not one bit of it. All weight that I have lost has been all for the glory of God. It is all attributed to Him. I am so thankful that He has blessed my journey to be healthier. This isn't a short process nor will it ever end. This is the journey that God has placed me on. I want to treat my body like the temple it is. Being healthy is just one step on my journey, and I'm so glad that I don't have to face it alone. I am trusting in His Word and believing that He is always with me and will never leave me nor forsake me.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh Where is the Wisdom?

My writing juices have just not been flowing lately {which usually implies that God has a better plan for this blog post than I can even imagine}. God is always up to something even when I am oblivious. I'm just super thankful that He takes the time to speak to me and teach me in these moments.

I've pretty much been a recluse since starting grad school. Which inevitably means I rarely make weekend plans. Just in case I need to do homework or study.  

Side note: The last few weeks I have been questioning and doubting everything. And I mean everything. Where my life is headed. What my next decision should be. What I should do with my life. Where He wants me to go. Due to all of these questions, I have been seeking some wisdom. Just begging and pleading with God to give me wisdom and discernment to know what He wants to do with my life. End side note. 

So I decided to climb out of my grad school cave to go to the BSU college student conference this weekend, and I am so glad I did.

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Sometimes you just need that spiritual refreshing time. Time to just talk to God and more importantly, listen.

I was ready to listen and God was ready to talk. What do you think the topic is for the Friday night message? None other than wisdom and God's plan for our lives. Why this still surprises me I'll never know. With so many decisions and options before me, I feel like I am in one of those nightmares where I am in a circle room with 3 million white doors surrounding me. I feel like I should be in a mental institution, because my brain is in major overload. God showed me though this weekend that He has everything under control. He has a plan {which doesn't include me hijacking those plans for my own purposes}. One of the main things that stood out to me was when he said this, "God doesn't care where you get your paycheck as long as you are glorifying Him." Talk about a revelation for me. God has been trying to teach me this for almost a year now, but I have failed to truly let it sink in until this past weekend. Every decision I have ever made has been carefully calculated and painfully worried over until I finally just went with a decision. I have always tried so hard to seek God's will as if it's some mystical piece of paper that I have to pass 7 levels of marioland to reach. What if God really desires to give us options and to allow us to pick where we want to serve Him? {within reason of course} I think He has the ultimate plan, and that is why He gives us the Holy Spirit to guide us and lead us. As long as we are seeking what God wants and what God has for us, He will not lead us astray.

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Another revelation I had was this: Today. I'm single. Talk about a breakthrough. Today is all I have to focus on. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. Not 10 years from now. Today. And guess what? Today, I'm single. And for all I know I will be single for the rest of my life, but whatever. {reminder: I'm trying to convince myself of this as I type} I randomly decide to have these panic moments with a chorus of negative thoughts running through my head, but when I had my panic moment during the last session of this conference, I felt the peace of God surround me and whisper in my ear. I started to think about how short life is, and that in all reality, my time here is like the blink of an eye compared to the eternity I will spend worshiping Jesus and sitting at His feet. I hadn't really ever stopped to think about how short-lived my heartache over my singleness will be. Of course, as humans we see our life as forever long and measured by days in a week and weeks in a year, but God reminded me of a kingdom perspective: This is not my home.

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I'm not here to be settled into my cozy, little perfect life where everything is comfortable and happy. I'm here to be SENT ... to the ends of the earth if that's where God wants me. I won't allow anything to distract me from the mission God so clearly gave us all in Matthew 28:19-20. Around my age, people start throwing around words like {settle down,} and I can't help but think that's the last thing I plan on ever doing. If the only way I could find a man to marry was to {settle down,} then that is not for me. I am ready to be SENT. To go out and tell people about Jesus for all of my days. If God has a man on this earth who wants to join me in that mission. so be it. For now, I prepare myself to be sent out into the world and trust that Jesus is walking along beside me. He's good like that, isn't He?

Until He comes, I wlll go ...

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna