When the Struggle isn't Obvious

We all struggle. Obviously all differently but sometimes the same. We share struggles but we also have our unique struggles.

I know our struggles compared to that of a starving child's in a third world country do not seem to be a struggle at all. Let's just go ahead and get that out of the way. This is true; however, we are human and struggles hurt our hearts all the same.

Struggles seem to have earned some type of taboo. I believe there is a gigantic difference between complaining about our struggles and working through our struggles. For this reason, many people choose to struggle in silence. Not opening up. Not sharing with anyone.

It's hard. I know. People won't understand. It will make us vulnerable. There must be something wrong with our relationship with the Lord if we're struggling.

I don't agree. People may not understand, but they can listen to us, pray for us, love on us. Vulnerability is tough. But there is so much freedom in it. Not having to hide anything. Being free to share our hearts and the deepest hurts we have. Even Jesus told us that we would struggle in this world. He knows our hearts. No matter how strong our relationship with the Lord, struggles can still exist.

I know this from experience. Over the last month or so, I have been struggling through a dark funk. Maybe it started after I stopped my 31 day blogging challenge. As hard as that was, it was totally worth it. I've missed it this month. But I have been struggling on the inside. For a while, I hid it away. I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I had just come off this super high of a blogging challenge where my faith and relationship with God had grown leaps and bounds, yet I was gonna sit here and say I'm struggling. What kind of Christian does that make me? But what I've come to see is that makes me human. That makes me real.

                     

Once I was tired of hiding the struggle, I started reaching out. One by one, I sought out people I trust, people who love me, people who I knew would pray for me. I was so weary from begging/pleading with God to take this struggle away that I no longer had the words to pray. I knew I needed some backup.

The hardest moments were at night. Taking Melatonin was my only out. If I didn't take something to sleep, I would lie awake for hours. tossing and turning. praying and crying. begging and pleading. Just desperate for God to heal my heart from the confusion. the hurt. the longing. the loss. all of it. It was torment. It left me feeling spiritually weak and weary. I was scared to sleep without taking something to stop my brain and help me sleep. {anybody else pray for an off switch for their brain?}
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Side note: But when it came time to step out from behind my door, I put my smile on. I have a job to do. I have friends who don't want to hang out with negative nellie. I know people who are suffering/struggling through far worse things.

It all goes to show that we never know what people are going through. We, as Christians, are called to love, care for, and nurture the hurting. Are we asking the right questions? Are we being intentional in our relationships that they would even trust us with their struggles? Are we praying for our friends/neighbors/acquaintances? Are we putting ourselves out there to be used by God to mend others' hearts?
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Back to the story. Last night I did something I don't normally allow myself to do, I reread a conversation that has been primary source of my struggle. I love words. Writing words in a way that speaks love, truth, laughter into hearts is a joy for me. But the other side of that is words hurt me. Words slice straight through my heart and stick with me. I replay words over and over again in my brain. From rereading this conversation, I read it in a totally different light. I saw the truth of their words and not some emotional interpretation from several months ago.

In that moment God freed me from those words. He freed me from that struggle. My first reaction was to text my friend to tell her that I felt the struggle lift from my heart right then. Her response was this: I've been praying for you.

God sees our hearts. He sees our struggles. Let's shed some light {God's light} onto our struggles. Let's bring them out from behind closed doors and allow the Son shine to do its healing work. Let's invite our people in to help us. Let's experience that freedom.

If My Heart is Overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice, I hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith. 

I will believe. 

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of your Son. 

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

Overwhelmed. That word doesn't even seem to cut it right now. I've been battling that inner voice in my head for several months now about whether or not I felt like I could truly share some of my most shameful and painful struggles that have come out of this new season of my life. Facebook and Instagram paint a pretty nice and neat picture of this new venture I set out on in August. And the truth is that is has been great. I love my life in NOLA, and the fun portrayed in those pictures is the real deal. But this is Vulnerability 101. Diving into the good, the bad, and the ugly. This, my friends, is my ugly.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes reflecting on the last few months and looking ahead to the next few months, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Being an adult is hard. Life is hard. I always looked ahead to these years of my life with rose-colored glasses thinking it would be the best time of my life. For the record, singleness doesn't automatically imply an easy life just because I don't have the demands of a family or the needs of a husband. I have such a strong desire to be present in my current stage of life and serve the Lord wherever He calls me which leads to its own unique problems.

All that to say, moving to NOLA was a direct call from God that I chose to follow. I do not doubt that for one second. I was already somewhat tight on finances before moving from MS, but moving to LA quadrupled my financial strain. I hadn't saved up like I would've liked to in order to make such a major move; therefore, I was left with a choice. I'm not proud of my choice. I'm actually quite embarrassed by the credit card debt that I have accrued in order to live and eat down here. It seemed so reasonable and easy at the time. My salary doesn't even cover all of my bills at this point. I am in over my head. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I feel compelled to be honest about my journey and the mistakes I've made. Would I have done it differently if I had it to do over again? I don't know. I didn't see any other choice and still don't. So now I'm at a point where I am in constant fear of overdrafting my account, frustration over not being able to buy groceries, and exhaustion from carrying this burden.

I don't say all of this to generate pity or sympathy. I genuinely just want to take this moment/post to put words to my struggle. Sometimes this is the only way I can let go of the fear by allowing God to write my heart out on this blog. I have taken on one side job in the afternoons but my time is already too crunched between church, work, and seminary obligations. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and the strain on my heart has finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Today was the final straw.

I'm digging my own way out of this hole and by my own way I mean through God's provision. Paying back every painful cent by cent. I wish there was an easy fix, but I'm afraid that the consequences of this particular situation is gonna be haunting me for awhile. There is a light. I can see it. God has provided. He will sustain me.

If you're in a similar situation {which I pray you are not}, you should first know that you're not alone. Second of all, God is with you. He has not left you. Third of all, God hears you.  And last but not least, God is working even amidst the storm. I'm quite certain this storm is of my own doing, and that's what makes it even harder to endure. But I cling to my Anchor, my Refuge, and my Hope. You have the same God at your side. Run to him.

If you don't know what it's like to be in this situation {which I pray you haven't}, take a minute and just praise the Lord for that. What a blessing. On the other hand, I know there is probably something else. Another painful struggle. Whether that's of your own doing or not. No matter what you're going through, those four truths about God listed in that last paragraph still apply.

To everyone out there struggling, hear these words ..

When my heart is filled with hope every promise comes my way. When I feel your hands of grace rest upon me. Staying desperate for You, God. Staying humble at Your feet. I will life these hands in praise. 

I will believe.

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of Your Son.

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

We're In This Together

All of us. The Church. God's people. We have a mission. The Great Commission. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." (NIV) Matthew 28:19-20

But here's the thing. I wholeheartedly believe that going into ALL nations looks different for each individual believer. God puts special and unique callings and passions in our hearts. We all have a part in sharing the Gospel. Whether that takes place on the other side of the world or right next door. To me it's ALL going.

As much as I love and feel called to East Asia, I still feel compelled to support and send forth others who follow in obedience to the great commission.  To New York. To India. To Nevada. To Africa. To Illinois. To Ukraine. To Florida. To Italy. It's ALL going. That's it. We are ALL in this together. We all have a part to play today and forever.

My calling is to East Asia. I know I'm called to sharing Christ with all those around me right where I am the other 350 days of the year, but there's something that comes alive in my heart and soul when I'm there. When I'm doing what God created me to do. Sharing His love and His story with those who have NEVER heard.

I contemplated back and forth what to do about going back this year. Every part of me aches to go back on a daily basis. The problem is that my desire to go back was outweighed by my lack of funds. I have the heart to go and the willingness to go but can't afford to go on my own.

So what do I do? Do I give up? Or do I step out on faith and trust Jehovah Jireh, the God who Provides? I choose to trust; therefore, I've decided to sell a tshirt.

I know. I know. So is everybody else. But this is all I got.

If you feel led to support the furthering of the Gospel and me, I would be so thankful. The tshirt is Anvil SoftStyle, and I'll be selling them for $20 for all sizes plus $5 if you need it shipped. I do travel around MS a lot, so I would be able to deliver any shirt orders along I-55 from New Orleans to Memphis as well as the Columbus/Starkville area. You can comment here on the blog, on facebook, or email me with your size and pay with cash, check (made out to me which I will in turn use to pay both fund the nations and for my trip), or paypal. In order to use paypal, you can just choose to send money and enter my email: jennamcmurphy@gmail.com. Please feel free to contact me with any questions. 

Philippians 1:3-6 "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your PARTNERSHIP in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (NIV) 

That's all I'm asking. Please partner with me in the sharing of the Gospel. I wanted a shirt that reminds you that your giving, supporting, believing, praying makes you a partner. You become  part of the story of each new  believer. For every student who turns their life over to God and accepts Him as their personal Lord and Savior, you had a part in that. Thank you in advance for supporting me and the Gospel.

Abide

I used to be afraid of being alone. I would rather not do it at all than do it alone.

Eating at a restaurant. Going to the movies. Working out. Enjoying the park. 

I think I dreaded the pity in people's eyes.  But really I dreaded my own pity. 

I'm slowly but surely learning the value of being alone. And how good it has been for my soul. 

Currently as I type I'm swinging in City Park allowing the glorious rays of the sun to warm my bear arms following a pathetic run. It's January but somehow New Orleans knows how to get some amazing weather when everybody else is bundling up around the country.  

I've rarely if ever experienced such peace in the still, quiet aloneness (thought I made this word up but turns out it's in the dictionary) of the moment. 

After the absolute worst excuse for a run the week before I do a half marathon that left me quite near a full blown panic attack with labored breathing, I felt an overwhelming need to just hear from God's Word. So I opened my Bible app like all other good smartphone Christians. And thanks to SheReadsTruth's John study, I opened my e-Bible to John 15. 

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5 ESV)

Abide. I'm all about looking words up for their definition/meaning and even Hebrew/greek translation. Check these out.

 

I couldn't pick just one. All of them give me such a better and beautiful picture of what Jesus was saying in those verses.

Have you ever tarried along? I'm not exactly one to tarry. I actually am that person who speeds walks with a purpose everywhere I go. People who tarry make me anxious. Remember that I'm a planner therefore that comes with to do lists and plans which must be done in a limited amount of time. There is no time to tarry. 

Jesus is saying to me remain/stand/stay/tarry/continue in Me. Sometimes that means for me to stop running around and tarry a little longer with Jesus. More than that, I think for me He is teaching me that what to me may be aloneness (my possible made up word of the day) is Him calling me to abide in Him. 

A week from tomorrow I will participate in a half-marathon which I only committed to do because I wasmt gonna to have to do it alone. Well things happened and guess who's going it alone. Yep, me. But I'm taking this as Jesus calling me to abide. Just remain. Just tarry. Just continue on. 

Outplanning the Planner

That's me. The planner. I'm good at it. You want something planned. I'm your girl.

I mean. Have you seen my planner?

Erin Condren made my planner dreams come true in 2012 thanks to a lovely {& God-sent, of course} grad school classmate. That's beside the point. I love to plan things. I love writing my weekly/monthly/yearly schedule down in order to make lists and be as prepared as possible for what's to come each new planner year.

Well, the planner {that's me ... keep up} has officially been outplanned. I don't know if "outplanned" is truly a word but if it's not, just go with it for now.

{side note/disclaimer/warning: I've never really tried to hide my oddities. Not in person. And never on here. I want people to know I am real and possibly even crazy. I think it shows that God can use anyone ... even you ... if He can use me.}

So my plans. There have been 5 year plans. 10 year plans. There's even been 20 year plans. A little much you say? Oh yes, definitely, but I warned you that I'm a planner. I planned to graduate high school. check. go the the W. check. join a social club. check. go to grad school. check. graduate and get a job. check.

Many of my plans have been wonderfully successful and fulfilling. But somewhere along the way, I felt the need to pick two dates in the "distant" future  which would just work perfectly for the planner to get married. I knew I wouldn't be married by 22. My dating life was nonexistent and no potential in sight. I set my sights far, far out there.

March 15, 2014 & March 14, 2015. two perfect dates. March: my favorite month of the year. Good weather. Saturday before typical spring break for honeymoon purposes. I planned for everything. What I didn't plan for was the "no husband" part.

I clung to those dates as if me verbalizing/setting this plan would automatically make it become God's plan. It was where I placed my hope for marriage. I can go another day being single because it's not forever. I have dates. I have plans.

But God. I take note every time I see these words in the Bible, because it is the certainty of a God who is in control of my past, present, and future.

But God is the Ultimate Planner. He knows best and what will ultimately bring him the most glory. Obviously one date has passed me by and the second date of March 14, 2015 is most definitely not gonna be my wedding day. So where does that leave me? Hopeless? Disappointed? Unloved? Unworthy? Depressed? Lonely? These might be feelings that are felt along the journey but they do not describe me or who I am even as we quickly approach my second and last planned wedding day.

I still have hope in a God who never fails me, never leaves me, and never forsakes me. I still feel loved by a God who created me and knows my heart intimately. I feel joyful and honored that God has chosen me for this singleness journey. Maybe my singleness is only for a season. Maybe it's for a lifetime. I can officially say this planner does not know. I'm turning over my plans to the Lord and trusting that He will bring about the best in my life, because I want God to be glorified more than I want to be married.

2015 // flourish

A new year. A blank slate. A fresh start.

There's no real physical change from December 31 11:59pm to January 1 12:00am. It's just another day. It's the same phenomenon that happens every night when we go to bed and wake up the next morning.

But there's something about that end of the year rolling over minute. Those first 60 seconds of the new year. A breath of fresh air. A chance to let go of everything from the previous year and take hold of everything that God has in store for the new year.

I almost always set goals for the year. Sometimes I reach those goals. Sometimes I don't. Seeing as last year was the first year of this vast open calendar which is my life from year to year now that I am out of school, I didn't really set any goals. I wanted to go back to East Asia, and I did. I wanted to grow in my relationship with God, and I did. I'd say that was pretty successful.

This year I am taking a two-fold approach. A word for the year. & some specific, attainable, and necessary goals.

Part 1 // My word for 2015:flourish.

Let me start with my the definition of my word from Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

flour·ish
verb \ˈflər-ish, ˈflə-rish\

: to grow well : to be healthy
: to be very successful : to do very well

intransitive verb

:  to grow luxuriantly :  thrive

:  to achieve success :  prosper flourish

 noun

 :  a period of thriving
:  a luxuriant growth or profusion flourish

of white hair> flourish of color>

:  a sudden burst flourish of activity> 

Just the word itself just brings to mind a bouquet of flower buds that look so delicate and small but overnight burst open into an array of colors with so much life and vibrancy. When I started to think about the upcoming 365 days, I want to experience growth in my relationship with God. The difference is that I don't want to just grow, I want to flourish. I love the synonyms // thrive:prosper. I desire for my walk with the Lord to more than just be. I want it to thrive:prosper:flourish. To be so virbrant that Jesus is just bursting from inside of me.

Part 2 // Goals. Very reasonable goals that will help me to flourish in my relationship with God.

one. Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memorization Team. 2 verses per month. 24 verses total.

two. Half-Marathon. not just one but two of them. {I'm officially crazy}.

three. One year chronological Bible reading plan. Finish it in September.

four. Bible journaling. This is something I am so looking forward to. You can be assured you will see/read much more about this in the upcoming 365 days.

And that my friends is my two-fold plan for 2015. I have no set plans for this year. I am literally just going with the flow.

Wherever God leads, I will follow.

2015 is all for you, Lord.

2014 // year in review

Every year ends. Year after year. It comes to a close.

This time last year I had no idea what the year had in store. none whatsoever. I know we never really know what will happen each year, but this one was different. For the first time in my life, there were no big life markers. Graduate high school:Start college. Finish Sophomore year:Work at Garaywa:Start Junior year. Graduate college:Start graduate school. Graduate from graduate school:Start first real job as SLP. There were always important moments to revolve the year around.

2014 was different. There was nothing. No set life milestone. A completely blank slate.

The calendar was empty. 365 days yet to filled with a single date. Little did I know the roller coaster of a year I was in for.

On January 1, 2014, I wrote these words of prayer to God:

Push me out to stand on my own two feet & to truly rely on my faith. Turn my world upside down if you you have to. What I want more than anything this year is to fall more in love with you & bring more glory to your name. I have no idea what this year holds. I pray that no matter what happens, you draw me deeper in your Word, your arms, your love, & your will. I want my life to reflect you in every way possible. My ultimate goal is to turn everything over to you & allow you to work it out according to your glory & plan.

At this point {365 days later}, my words are just comical. God did far more than I could have ever imagined and did exactly what I prayed. He turned my world upside down. Like this ...

January // Began working out/training with the amazing Alicia Burr at Jane's Gym. Started Beth Moore's Bible study, Believing God.

February // Valentine's Day was one for the books. One of the most breath-taking and awe-inspiring sunrises I've every seen. Jordan's broken elbow which sent this aunt's heart into full panic mode. A month full of God's provisions.

March // Weddings galore. Mac {the mini aussie} entered our lives. My 25th birthday spent with sweet friends and amazing family. Ministry opportunities that God used to refocus and refresh my heart. Jonah study with She Reads Truth. Homecoming at the W. A prayer for God to lead where my trust is without borders and that my faith would be made stronger which changed everything. the 29th was the night I first felt God calling me to New Orleans.

April // Worked a Garaywa Mother/Daughter as camp missionary. Made the first trip to New Orleans with my mom to tour New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary where I plan to take classes eventually and look for apartments. Was told by a therapy company that it was unlikely I would find a job in NOLA due to the job market.

May // Had two interviews for school jobs in NOLA. Received and accepted an offer for the job with Jefferson Parish Public School System. Finished my Clinical Fellowship/first year as a school SLP at DeSoto Central Elementary and said a tearful goodbye to the best first job I could have ever asked for. Got on a plane headed out of the USofA and to the greatest place on earth, East Asia.

June // Packed as many meetings and people into one month as I could in East Asia. I ate the best food on the planet. Made new and lifelong friendships. Traveled in EA to a new and exciting city. And had the privilege/honor of leading a brother to a relationship with the Lord alongside two dear friends.

July // After a typical turbulent {not literally} flight schedule back home, returned home from EA. Granny had a heart attack just hours after my return sending our family into an even more turbulent next few months getting her better. Signed HR paperwork for my new job in NOLA later that week. Chaperoned LHBC Beach Week and enjoyed pouring into the lives of the youth girls while also getting poured into by the other women on the trip.  Spent the last two weeks packing up all of my belonging and squaring away the short period of life I lived in Olive Branch.

August // Said my final goodbyes in the beginning of August and moved to New Orleans. Started my new job at Paul Solis Elementary. Moved into my new apartment. Attended Beth Moore's Living Proof Conference in Memphis. And celebrated Jordan's 6th birthday.

September // Spent every other weekend traveling all around the state of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama for recruitment, wedding stuff, and a concert. Adjusted to my new life in NOLA. Started going to First Baptist New Orleans and Level Ground Community Church.

October // Participated in a write 31 days blogging challenge. Started a one year chronological reading plan of the Bible and finally learned how to wake up earlier to spend time with God to start my day. Reconnected with a childhood friend. Seafood festival. More wedding festivities and traveling. Signed up for a half-marathon. Started teaching GAs at FBNO.

November // Attended my best friend's wedding. Moved my grandparents to Olive Branch in order to better take care of them and ensure that they are around as long as possible to make even more memories. Continued half-marathon training. Went home for the Thanksgiving holiday, caught up with some sweet friends, and spent thanksgiving eve at the ER because mother loves to scare us to death.

December //  She Reads Truth Advent Study. Nights and weekends filled with holiday movies, lights, and parties. Celebrated Gage's 4th birthday. Spent quality time with family celebrating Jesus, the true meaning of Christmas. Headed back to NOLA for new years.

This was really just for my benefit, so if you made it all the way through that, God bless you.

God is faithful ... even through the changes. Not a single month went by without clear evidence of God weaving together a bigger picture. One thing is clear: God is in control. I wouldn't change one single moment of 2014, and I am already looking forward to what God has in store for 2015.

Goodbye, 2014. Hello, 2015

The Fear

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just after I hit register on the Rock 'N' Roll Half Marathon website. Fear overtook every part of my being.

Oh the fear. 13.1 miles. What was I thinking? Am I totally crazy? To answer that for you. yes, yes, I am crazy out of my mind. I've lost it.

You know that quote that says, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing game." I think whoever said that stupid quote never signed up for a half-marathon.

14 weeks. That's how long I have. 14 weeks from today exactly is the day of truth.

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. You know all those posts where I've stated that I'm not a runner. That was not me being humble. That was not me being modest. That was not me exaggerating.

I love goals. I set short-term goals. long-term goals. any term goals just to get myself to them. Setting goals pushes me. So when I'm in need of pushing myself outside of my box, I feel this eagerness to set a goal. Why I thought a half marathon was the best goal to set is still beyond me.

Fear.

It could overtake me. It could stop me in my tracks. It could put an end to all my goals.

But I refuse to let fear stop me from doing anything. So I'm gonna fight it with Scripture.

"I will fear no evil, for you are with me" {Psalm 23:4b NIV}

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." {Proverbs 29:25 NIV}

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." {Isaiah 41:13 NIV}

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." {John 14:27 NIV}

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." {2 Timothy 1:7 NIV}

No more fear. Okay. Maybe I do still have quite a bit of fear. But I've fighting off the fear and choosing to trust Jesus.

No fear. Just Jesus. 

31 days later

Every day I wake up. Every day I think about the good and bad things. Every day I wonder about my present circumstances and my future. Every day brings with it a choice. 

Will I allow God to provide contentment and not my present circumstances?

I am 31 days closer to God. It definitely lived up to its name. A challenge. On a daily basis, at least one life lesson, experience, God moment happens that would be blog-worthy, but having the discipline/commitment to actually write about it is a different story.

At the beginning of this challenge, I actually made some big life changes {for me they were big} that I believe catapulted these 31 days of blogging. On September 29, I made the decision to defeat my long-running cycle of extreme laziness and start having good, quality quiet time in the Word each morning. I am not a morning person. I love mornings once I'm awake, but it's the waking up part that I hate. Miserable. I have been the hardest person to wake up my entire life. Just ask my parents and my siblings. My dad tried to several tactics {which might I add were all useless} such as throwing water on me, turning on my light, and letting me oversleep making me late for school. Thanks, daddy.

When I went to college, it got worse. Literally would roll out of bed at 7:55 for 8:00 classes. Which might prompt you to ask why on earth I had 8:00 classes. Well because I really did try to be a responsible adult who functioned properly in the morning. Like I said, once I am awake, I am good as gold. Now we move into real world life where I have to be at work on time every morning and waking up has become a legit problem. I finally decided something had to change.

                       

It is still not easy for me. But the thought that wins out very time is Jesus is worth more than sleep. I repeat it over and over again. Jesus is worth more than sleep. 

I have experienced growth in the area of contentment by leaps and bounds just by spending that time with God in the morning. This has seriously been life-changing for me. Mornings started with coffee and Jesus being such peace. 

I can't say I'll feel as content next week as I do today but the good news is that in those times of discontentment I know where to turn. God will give me contentment for each moment. 

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At the beginning of the challenge, I searched through all of the like 500 blog links on the inspiration/faith tab alone and just allowed God to lead me blogs that He wanted to use in my life over the past month. These are the blogs that I have been following throughout this 31 days challenge and would highly recommend for you to check them out.
Christin at Christin Mae Writes
Aliza at AlizaLatta
Kerrie Williams at Life on a Mission
Amanda at Amanda Harris
These women have encouraged me beyond words, and God has taught me so much through their words. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Battle of the Scale

It sits there. Just mocking me. Don't you want to step on me today? Don't you want to put a number to your failure? Don't you want to see how much weight you haven't lost? Don't you want to ruin your entire day with one step?

It taunts me every morning as I get ready for work. It taunts me as I change into my workout clothes. You'll never work out enough to get the number you want. You'll never sweat, run, train enough to get that number lower. 

My first experience with discontentment over that number was at an extremely young age. Maybe 3rd or 4th grade. I am pretty sure I overheard one of my boy classmates tell someone his weight. My immediate reaction was shock. then shame. then embarrassment. then fear.

Discontentment continued into my junior high years when we started having basketball during the day which required locker rooms with lots of girls with exceptionally lower numbers on that scale.

It continued into high school when I automatically knew that number was exponentially higher than all the other girls in my class.

When I was in 10th grade, I had had enough and gave it over to the Lord. The number dropped lower than I had ever seen. The number went up in eleventh grade and back down my senior year. It went significantly up when I went to college. A few rollercoaster dips up and down between there and grad school when I finally got to my lowest number. maybe ever. Then as if I had lost all control all over again, the number went back up.

I hate the scale. I border between treading carefully to not obsess over the number and losing sight of the goal if I don't ever look at the number.

Regardless of all I just typed above, the number does not define me. If you want to define me with words, define me with Jesus. He's the only label I want on me. I know the number matters in order for me to be healthy and have my body in the shape it needs to be in to best serve God, but there has to be boundaries to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and not the number.

My commitment is to treating my body as a temple. Eating healthy. Working out. Trusting God to take care of the number. This is the only way I will be content with the number. When God is put in charge of it. It feels good to let go of that. I was never meant to cling to a number. This does not define me. Jesus does.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}