The Grass is Always Greener

... on the other side.

No, but seriously. We always look at the other side, and all we can see is the luscious, green grass that probably feels like carpet under your feet on the other side. Who doesn't do this? If you raised your hand, then Im gonna go ahead and just tell you that denial is not healthy.

Let's recap.

When I was elementary age, I wanted to be in 6th grade and go on the Washington D.C. trip. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be in junior high. When I was in junior high, I wanted to be in high school. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a senior. When I was a senior, I wanted to be in college. When I was in college, I wanted to be in grad school. When I started grad school, I just wanted to be done with my first year.

I have always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I have always thought that the next step was gonna be so much more fun, more liberating, more exciting, more rewarding, more everything. When I was in high school, I just wanted to be taking courses which were relevant to my course of study. When I finally got to those courses, I wanted to death sprint back to easy high school classes. My whole life I have dreamed of being this close to the rest of my life. Finishing school. Doing what God wants me to do.

{Here's the problem} Now I'm here standing of that supposed luscious, green carpet grass and I'm terrified. Of decisions. Of the unknown. Of the vast openness of the future. Of being a grown up.

Now I would much rather go back to what seemed like easier times where I didn't have to make life-changing decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. It'd be one thing if my decisions were between getting a tattoo or a job. Buying a snake or a house. Eating an eyeball or an apple. You see these are examples of easy decisions {for me, at least}. No, the decisions looming over me are whether to work at a school or a nursing home or a hospital. Whether to go overseas never or first or later or forever. One decision leads to another and another and another. And eventually, I can't see up from down or left from right. The decisions pile up, and I just can't handle it.

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Why did I think the grass would be greener on this side? Clearly, grass is only as green as you allow it to be. If onlys could eat me alive if I really thought about all the time I wasted wishing for the carpet grass on the other side instead of watering the grass I was standing on. The same goes for my view on singleness. The grass is always gonna be greener when I'm focusing on the other side instead my own side. There are gonna be {pros and cons} to every single stage of life, every patch of grass, every step on the road. We choose to only see the pros of that other patch of grass. In reality, both singleness and marriage, high school and college, schools and hospitals, are going to be equally amazing and difficult, easy and hard, wonderful and miserable. It's just the way we choose to look at.

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I'm gonna water the grass in my right here and right now. I'm gonna do this by listening to God, studying His Word, and talking to Him constantly. Although these decisions overwhelm me and put my stomach into knots with dinosaurs rolling around in there, I know I can trust God to lead me to the right path.

I don't usually do this, but I do ask for your prayers during this time in my life. The decisions are unending, and more than anything in this world, I want to bring glory to God and follow Him wherever He leads. I've asked for a burning bush, but no matter how many times I ask for one, God seems to stick to the {subtle} in my life. Oh well. It's always worth a try. 

Triple Threat Thursday

well, I began my Thursday morning with a good workout, some Jesus time, and a healthy breakfast. hence my triple threat.

Thank you, God, for another day to serve you.

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As some may know, I've gotten back up on the horse for having a healthy lifestyle, and I feel GREAT. I haven't lost any weight, but that's okay. I just spent time in God's word the other night reading what He has to say about the way I treat my body and the things I put into it. I was really caught off guard by a verse I have read many times. Let me paraphrase for lack of time: Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything
{1 Corinthians 6}.

I've been mastered by food and my weight for too long. God tells me that my body is His temple, and I should honor Him with my body. This part of my life has been anything BUT honoring to Him over the last few years. 

This changes now.

I'm tired of being terrified of living my entire life in this miserable state. I'm discouraged every time I try to succeed all on my own. God reminds me He is with me ... wherever I go. He is with me. I can be strong and courageous when I know He is by my side. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Savior. my Rock. my Prince of Peace. my First Love. He is my Everything. And it's about time I start treating Him that way.

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Long Time Coming

You should be warned that this blog post is about to open with a disclaimer, so run away quickly if this frightens you nearly as much as it does me.

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 As promised, my disclaimer is this: I typically avoid any and all touchy subjects, and I am more likely to run over my own foot with my car than make a public opinion on a controversial topic. I am definitely more inclined to share my opinion face-to-face {so as to ensure full understanding of my meaning}, but this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for a couple days now. ever since I read these verses:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another,  'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name. (Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I don't remember if I baptized anyone else.) For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." 1 Corinthians 1:10-17

Now, I know you might be thinking what on earth this has to do with the price of rice in China, but hear me out. I'm not gonna go into detail {because that could take years}, but let's just say that Calvinism and I have had a very rocky relationship. I watched my dear friend, John Calvin, rip a church apart at the seams, chew up the people, and spit them back out {great visual, right?}. From the time I first heard his name, it just never set well with me. Okay, let's hold up a second and go ahead and get something out of the way. This post is in no way going to delve into the theology and philosophical stylings of any man other than Jesus, so feel free to take a deep breath if you were getting ready to drill me with your opinion on the matter.

Here's my opinion:
John Calvin is a man; therefore, I will never {EVER} use his name as a label for myself. The only name I will proclaim and represent is that of Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for our sins in order to bring salvation to the world. Did John Calvin save anyone from the fiery pits of hell? I didn't think so. I understand people's desire to study theology and have a strong sense of what they believe in, BUT I am totally opposed to the creation of {what has probably become} the largest division in our faith. It is so unbelievably frustrating to me that people have allowed themselves to be placed in a category based on the names of two men who were born ordinary and died ordinary men. This is an age old problem. Even back in the good ole days, Paul was having to address the people about divisions among them. The people were labeling themselves as followers of Cephas or Apollos or Paul. Needless to say, Paul was disgusted {well, at least I would be}.

Let me ask you this: Is Christ divided? NO. Absolutely not. The Bible tells us over and over again that we are the body of Christ which has many parts but all works together in unison. We are to be united. As I watched my church fall to pieces and people leaving left and right, I became angry and bitter. I pretended for about a year that I was over it. That it didn't hurt me. That I didn't care. But it did hurt me. I did care. For quite a while when I was alone in Columbus, I stopped going to church altogether. Of course, I put on a good show. No one could tell the difference. No one here knew or cared if I went to church on Sunday morning. No matter how many different churches I went to, all I could see was that the very people who I had trusted and loved had turned their back on me. It doesn't matter to me if I was wrong or right, but what does matter is that the moment it created a division in the body of Christ, it was no longer of Christ.

Although I have finally moved away from that anger and bitterness that had overtaken my heart all those years ago, I have still been harboring unforgiveness in my heart for some of the people who hurt me the most. I'll never understand the decision they made to allow this to come between us, but I also know that it all got me to the place I am today. A very good place. A place where I can firmly and boldly proclaim these words: I am a follower of Jesus Christ not John Calvin or Jacobus Arminius. These names mean nothing to me, and although I fully intend to study every word of every verse of every chapter of every book of the Word of God until the day I die, I am only human just as you are. If we understood everything, we would be God. And SHOCKER: We aren't God. In v.17, our obligation and privilege is to preach the Gospel. NOT with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

In some ways, this post represents my release of this struggle and hurt. I have now been blessed with two church families where I have been refreshed and renewed by my time there. There will always be a special place in my heart for my church "home" all those years ago, and I know that God is continuing to do a good work there with those who remain. I hate to see God's children divided between two earthly men who held no power other than maybe the power of words. Throughout mine and Calvinism's rocky relationship, I have experienced a wide range of emotions {none of which were typically positive}, but ultimately, I am thankful for the fact that it has driven me deeper into the Word of God. The deeper I go, the more adamant I am to label myself as only one thing. a Jesus Follower.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh How He Loves

There are moments when I feel worthless. unattractive. overweight. unlovable. lonely. crazy. stupid. There are times when I feel like a loser. failure. Sometimes my train of thought just drifts to the most negative place possible. The place where you convince yourself that you aren't worthy of anyone's time. that you aren't worthy of anyone's love. that you aren't worthy of being happy. 

Who hasn't been there? {at some point or another} 

The problem comes when we allow Satan to make us believe all of these lies. because that's all they are. LIES. because even when we are in these dark places. God can find us right where we are. He loves us beyond words. David Crowder Band's song, "How He Loves," says it better than I can:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh how he loves

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

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Relationships and marriage surround me. Attempting to swallow me whole. Into an abyss of failure and loneliness. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. Yet I waste my time and energy stressing and worrying pointlessly. God doesn't want this for me. He wants so much more. He wants to rescue me from these lies and the large abyss that I've created around me. He wants to take me into His arms and never let me go. He wants to comfort me. He wants to love me unconditionally. He wants me. just as I am. He wants me. 

In fact, the truth is: He is JEALOUS for me. Did you hear that? Let me say it again for emphasis. He is JEALOUS for me. He is jealous for my time. my attention. my focus. my heart. my emotions. my thoughts. my everything.

When I waste time allowing the world to define what my life should look like, I choose to set God aside and focus on the things of this world. I put God on the shelf of my heart and inform Him that He isn't good enough and isn't satisfying me. Enough. No more. It's time to give up the fight. There is peace found in His arms.Everlasting peace. hope. love. He is offering me the intimate relationship I so crave. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy me.

Hearing these words reminds me that I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone. I am beautiful. I am His. He loves me just the way I am. And He is jealous for me. 

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Step Right Up

... to the Waiting Game. Where the waiting seems endless but the Lord is good. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation 

Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I be afraid?

The Lord is my stronghold when the armies besiege me

My heart will not fear. My heart will not fear.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

Hear my voice when I call your name

Be merciful and answer my cry

Teach me your way, O Lord. Make the path straight before me

Do not turn away. Do not turn away.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

WAIT FOR THE LORD.

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When God placed this song on mine and Kayla's heart, I think He got His message across.

I'm waiting. I have so many prayers that I have lifted up, and although there's no answers, I feel the Lord telling me to wait for His timing.

And so I wait.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Anything BUT Easy

Why did I think that obeying God was going to get me an automatic easy card? Nope. Didn't happen.

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Well, I made the hard decision that I was struggling so hard with. For some super strange reason, I thought once I made the decision {to get the regular braces like I knew God wanted me to} that I would be uber happy about it. Needless to say, I'm gonna have to steer clear of metal detectors for the next two years.

Let's just say that my first reaction was not pretty. I'm not very proud of my initial reaction considering I barely made it to my car before I burst into tears. Why I thought this was going to be easy is a complete mystery to me. Honestly, I looked in the mirror and thought "holy crap, I have braces." My teeth hurt, and at the moment, I can't even talk without being painfully aware of the gigantic row of metal on my upper teeth. At this point, I'm not even sure what I was thinking. The complications that would have come down the road {10 LONG years from now} are starting to seem rather minor. Talk about a major wake up call. All I've ever wanted is to be beautiful. But no matter what I've done over the years {lose weight, clear up my face, wear makeup, buy cute clothes, etc}, none of it has ever worked. This just goes to show how ridiculously imperfect I am ... that I refuse to see myself through God's eyes. I've insisted on viewing myself as the world sees me. overweight. acne. abnormally tall. bad teeth. and the list goes on and on and on. What is wrong with me? Why do I continue to compare myself to the world's standards when God is standing there begging me to let it go and find my worth and beauty in Him.

I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be to get braces again. My {self-conscious sally} is back in full force, and I'm not even gonna lie ... I'm scared to smile. I'm scared that all anyone will see is the crazy large hunks of metal in my mouth. I'm overreacting, I know. I really thought I was gonna look in the mirror and see the finished product. Surprise. Nope, you're right. Still didn't happen.

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Here's the good news:
God is not finished with me yet. He's still working on me each and every day. This next season in my life as {brace face} is going to once again draw me closer to Him. That's really all I want anyway. I may lose sight of that purpose every now and then, but ultimately, I just want my life to glorify Him. I'm pretty unhappy with myself and how shallow I am at this point in my life, so in this moment, I'm just thankful that God will never be finished with me.

Let me just leave you with the lesson I learned from this crossroads in my life ... just because God places us in a certain situation or brings us to a specific place in our lives doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. But one thing we can be sure of is that if He brings us to it, He'll bring us through it. Praise God for that.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

oh, so troubling

What's troubling, you ask? A tweet that I saw quite a while ago. But I can't seem to find it now. Obviously, I found this tweet extremely troubling, because even months later it is still bothering me.

Although I couldn't find the exact quote, it was something to this effect:
All of these Christian girls committing to "date" God {aka spend time with Him that they would spend with a significant other until they find "the one"} implies that once they do find "the one", they will immediately break up with God since there's no time for Him anymore and they're task is essentially done now that they've found Mr. Right.

WRONG.

Am I the only one troubled by this? This quote was made by a man and more than likely a pastor or leader in the church. And this is his view of young, single girls {in the church more than likely}? There is something majorly wrong with this picture painted. Clearly, we girls are doing something wrong. We are sending the wrong message if this is what our own leaders are saying of our choice to spend these years of our life focused on God instead of worldly things.

I'm not saying that some girls don't do this exact thing, because they do. It is a tragedy to me that any girl would choose to focus her life on an earthly man over God, but it happens all the time.

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Here's my take on this:
Yes, I am single. And yes, the concept of "dating" God is quite a lofty goal considering the time, effort, and brain power a girl/woman puts into a dating relationship. I mean think about it. An average day dating a guy looks about like this {from my knowledge of others' relationships, of course. Since I have no experience in this actual dept.}: consistent communicating throughout the day starting in the morning upon waking until nighttime when going to sleep. Endless text messages, at least a 30 minute to 1 hour phone call, possibly even face-to-face chatting for up to 4 hours. I've never been in a relationship, so I honestly couldn't tell you how this actually works {but I've gotten this information from first-hand observations}. That is a lot of time in the day. I know it's done on a regular basis. So imagine this. If we were to "date" God, our relationships with Him would be out of this world. I cannot even wrap my mind around it. I could probably memorize the entire Bible spending that much time of my day, week, year with God. Isn't He worthy of that kind of time? Shouldn't we be spending that time with him first and giving the leftovers to significant others instead of the other way around?

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So now you understand the concept I'm getting at, right? I really do wish I knew who said this, because I just know I've completely slaughtered the real quote. The part I wanted to really make a point on is this: when I started out on this journey of singleness, my intentions to "date" God {or what I'd like to call "falling more madly in love with my Creator and the Lover of my Soul"} were fully meant to grow closer to Him, learn more about Him, focus more time on Him, and fall more in love with Him. I would never want anyone to think that this is just a temporary relationship that I'm using to bide my time until Mr. Right comes along. No thank you. This time is so important to me, because the stronger I become in Him means the stronger I can be if God so chooses for me to marry.

My decision to "date" God {or simply focus more on Him than earthly relationships} is one made out of a desire and passion to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to be a shining light for Christ. I never intend for this to change. The closer I grow to Him and the stronger our relationship just gives me a stronger foundation to build on.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna