The Story Behind the Peacock

It is no secret to any one who knows me that I'm single. Now that I think about it ... I hope that's not the first thing people think of when they think of me, because if it is, boy have I messed things up. Anyway, two years ago this summer, I was still reeling from my recent graduation from college and my 7 week trip to East Asia when God laid it on my heart to intentionally investigate my aversion to singleness and what it would take to convince me that He is enough {did I mention ... in a very public way a.k.a. this blog on the internet}. 

The journey I set out on in July of 2011 was one that no one could have prepared me for. As I've stated on this oh so public blog more than once, I've always been single. Yep, the always and forever alone Jenna. {haha. just kidding. kind of} Junior High. single. High school. single. College. single. Grad school. single. You get the picture? {I figured you would}. Please note this is in no way a pity party. I'm actually very thankful for my singleness despite how I've painted it so far in my life. If it hadn't been for my singleness, I probably would have never become the girl woman I am today {eh not a huge fan of referring to myself as a woman ... I need to work on that}. If I hadn't been single, I might not have worked at Garaywa for two summers. If I hadn't been single, I might not have gone to Ukraine or East Asia the past four summers. If I hadn't been single, I might not have even gone to grad school. I definitely wouldn't have known that I can 100% survive/flourish with the love/intimacy found in Jesus alone. I wouldn't have found {over the past 24 years} some of the most amazing girls/women/best friends on the planet. I want to tell you about one girl in particular. So for those who have been waiting, always wondered, or have no idea what I'm talking about, here's the story behind the peacock.

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643027935900/

We were an unlikely pair to say the least. The chances that we would ever make it as friends were slim to none. She was beautiful. smart. talented. did I mention smart? And she was from Alabama. No way was I gonna be friends with some girl from Alabama. Due to circumstances completely unrelated to our own lives, we decided that the other one didn't like each other. {did you get that? we didn't not like each other, but we both thought that the other didn't like the other. clear??} We allowed this invisible wall to be built between us for an entire semester of school. Sure, there were pleasantries, and we were pledge sisters nonetheless which meant we loved each other in a sort of way we weren't quite sure of yet. 

Well, I've never claimed to be very smart as it is, but you throw in statistics and you will really see how not smart I am. One B after another B led me to the door of none other than Brooke Elmore {and on a Saturday night nonetheless}. I don't remember exactly how it went down, but at some point in the next hours we spent together I wrote a statistics report and made a best friend who would continue to impact and change my life for the rest of time. I think I knew she was my best friend when we bonded over baking brownies and skipping formals. After many a road trips with her to good ole Gordo, Alabama, I realized this Alabama girl wasn't so bad. I even found myself an adopted set of grandparents in Pickens county. There are no better memories in my mind than slumber parties at Big Momma's and the diet mountain dew that went along with them.

{sorry, I've gotten a little sidetracked} About the peacock. For the most part, Brooke and I {the most part is directed toward Brooke :)} both remained single for our college years much to our dismay over the lack of Christians guys beating down our doors. Christmas break of our sophomore year, Brooke and I both headed to EA together and watched as couples after couples formed on the trip. dating couples, engaged couples, and stupid boys chasing other girls. And here we were. The W girls. & no boys in sight. I lost count of the number of MSU BSUs we drove to on Tuesdays nights. We weren't hunting for Mr. Right whatsoever, but it came to a certain point where we felt like we had met every Christian guy in the state of MS and not a single one of them had even given us a second look. 

After two years at the W, we were disappointed. The school year ended, and I set out for Clinton, MS and my 2nd summer as a cabin leader at Garaywa despite my strong desires to go overseas & my sadness for leaving my best friend for like 3 months. We stayed in touch by phone every now and then & she tried to keep me updated on all of our friends. One particular time, she told me that my best friend from 6th grade {but also our mutual best friend} had been doing some crafting/painting & as usual, she had been giving them away when she didn't like how they turned out. Humorously, Brooke had told me about a peacock Jessica had painted. She sent me a picture, and we talked about how cute it was & blah, blah, blah. She just so happens to be like the best friend ever and would send me the cutest mail. I loved getting mail at camp. There was just something special about someone taking the time out of their busy schedule to brighten your day. It's been such a long time ago, but I remember it being about halfway through the summer {I was really missing my best friend}, and it was a Friday. {THE DAY THE CAMPERS WENT HOME} Some weeks I was more excited about this than others. I had just sent off all my campers and headed down to the staff room for our weekly meeting. When I walked into the staff room, I noticed this GIGANTIC package leaning against the mailboxes. I went and found a seat for the meeting {minding my own business} when someone asked me if I was going to open my package. I was in shock. The HUGE package was for ME?? I ripped it open and lo an behold, a peacock with bright colors {my favorite} from none other than my best friend, Brooke.

But the real surprise was when I turned it over and read the note in Brooke's handwriting ... the words that will be forever ingrained in my heart. She wrote on there that we were like peacocks who were shy around large crowd and wouldn't show their feathers for just anyone. We didn't walk around flaunting our "amazing-ness," but instead we were waiting for God's best to truly appreciate us for all our pretty colors and of course our "amazing-ness." That peacock has traveled with me to each place that I have lived and serves as a constant reminder that God is working. 

God is faithful. God is good. God is loving. God is amazing.

All in all, it may seem like just a silly story to someone, but this girl I call my best friend has stood by my side in the good and the bad, she cried on my shoulder and I have cried on hers. We have grown together, we have laughed {A LOT} together, we have traveled together. We have faced loss together. We have been scared together. We have worried together. & we have enjoyed life together. We have loved God together. We have pushed each other toward a closer walk with Him. We have discovered what it means to wait for God's best and never settle for less.

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643026506020/

That peacock just looks like a peacock to most people. But God used that peacock to work in my heart, and He showed me that because He loves me, He has richly blessed my life with friendships {like the one I have with Brooke Elmore}, beauty, and an unknown future. That unknown future may seem daunting right now, but He has it under control. He knows the ins and outs of my future. He is molding me into the creation He knows will bring Him the most glory. My story is just beginning, and although being a grown up scares the mess out of me, I know God has placed and will continue to place beautiful friendships/relationships in my life.

To God be the glory for all that He has done.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

He's Got the Whole World

... in His hands. 

He's got the whole world in His hands. 

He's got the whole world in His hands. 

He's got the whole world in His hands.

via

As I am constantly surrounded by so many different people, languages, and cultures, God reminds me that He understands every language. He loves every child of the world. Red and yellow, black, and white. They are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world.  

God is doing so many amazing things here in Ukraine. Not only is God moving in the hearts of the people around me but He is also faithful to work in my heart bringing me ever close to Him. As I spent time with the Roma (gyspy) children this past weekend, my heart felt like it could explode with joy. Seeing the precious smiles on their faces and the simple way they grabbed my hand and pulled me around the entire place melted my heart. I knew in that moment that they were a huge reason why God brought me here this summer. I know He has amazing plans for me no matter what comes of my 4 weeks left here, but I do pray that He works it out for me to go back to the Roma church for a 2 day VBS. 

English classes are in full swing. And by full swing, I mean just about every day. I love it though. I have thought more about the English language in the last week than I have in my entire life. It's quite perplexing what you take for granted when you have spoken a language your entire life. I love helping with these English classes, because I can share my culture and my relationship with God with these students. Please pray for spiritual conversations to come of these new connections I have made through the English classes. 

I will be meeting with all of the international girls on Friday nights at 6pm, and I am so excited to see what God has in store for all of us. They are teaching me so much through their willing and humble hearts, and I am just praying that God will bring us all into a closer walk with Him. 

I am overjoyed with the opportunities that God is placing before me, and I hope you will join me in praying for the work He is doing. I am just an empty vessel waiting to be used by Him. 

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

{"You Did For Me"}

A full week has come and gone. Despite my attempts to make the week slow down, the MS team (including my parents) is en route back to Mississippi. There is just something special about serving in a foreign country with your parents, and I feel so blessed to have been a part of the work the team did this week. The MS team consisted of a medical, construction and VBS team who basically loved on people and exalted the mighty God we serve.

Countless people came through the doors of churches {possibly for the first time} and received not only free medical care but also the free gift of salvation. I lost count of the professions of faith made this week, because there were 4 or 5 each day who were turning their lives over to Christ for the first time. What a precious thing to see. The construction team was able to continue the work on a church which was in mere ashes just 3 years ago and see a sanctuary come to completion with a tile floor {and of course other construction type things which are far beyond my expertise and understanding}. The VBS team which only consisted of two of us {Mrs. Susan Marshall and I} was given the opportunity to love on some precious children and see their faces light up at the simplest things such as small crafts or the story of Zaccheus.

There were too many moments and stories during the week to share all of them and not enough time or space to tell them. {Just a brief synopsis} One lady had been praying for a year for us to come to her city. Another lady told us that her only regret in life was that she hadn't been a Christian longer. An older man said through tears and a new pair of glasses what a blessing it was to see the Word of God clearly. The hugs and kisses given to all of us by nothing more than complete strangers but who so deeply appreciated what we were doing, it was their only way to thank us.

One very minuscule moment in the week but so incredibly touching to me was this magnet that I was given by the pastor's nephew at Zmeov {the church where the construction team had helped rebuild}. I was so appreciative of how sweet it was for him to give me this small gift, but it wasn't until later that night that I read the verse he chose to wrote on the back.

Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" When I read this verse I was truly touched. I didn't feel that I had done anything out of the ordinary this week other than exactly what God had called me to do, but it meant so much to these people that we would come halfway around the world just for them.

The MS team may be going home, but I am just beginning my journey here. I am beyond excited for what God has in store for the next 5 weeks. Please pray that God would lead both Linda Gray and me to the opportunities He has for me. There are many {great} opportunities that I have my pick of but I want God's best and wherever He can use me most. I want to bring Him glory first and foremost.

Now that the team is gone, it is time to hit the ground running, but today I have spent time just soaking up God's Word and refreshing my spirit with His Truth. What a wonderful feeling it is. My cup overflows.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Reflections of a Sinner Saved by Grace

Reflection. An exact image in a reflective surface. The act of looking back on some thing or event.

It never fails that when I think about the word reflection I think of the scene of Mulan standing by the water seeing an image of herself. I hear Christina Aguilera singing ... When will my reflection show who I really am inside?

http://pinterest.com/pin/30751209926462729/

Forgive me for all the jumping I'm about to do but try to stay with me as I pour out my heart on the idea of reflection{this is a normal thought process in the mind of Jenna ... scary, right??}. Have you ever heard the story of the refiner's fire. I'm probably gonna slaughter the legit story but bear with my paraphrase. A man goes to interview a man who makes silver, and as the man explains the process of placing the raw material into the fire, the interviewer proceeds to ask the man how he knows when the silver is ready. Only to have the man respond with such a simple and humbling response. When I can see my reflection. Oh for my Savior to look down onto me in the fire and see His reflection instead of my own. It turns my perspective completely upside down. I must admit that this is probably the first time in about 10 years when I haven't felt like the majority of my time has been spent under the sweltering heat of the hottest of fires. Amid my many {and I literally mean MANY} pity parties, I'm reminded of the purpose. All to make myself a more beautiful reflection of my precious Savior.

Reflection. Looking back on Easters past. All the years that have passed since I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior. All the growing I've done. All the fires I've been through. All the joys I've experienced. All the people who have come and gone from my life. Funny story {and don't ask me how I remember this}: when I was very little, I had this strange belief/idea that every year on Easter God would forgive my sins. Only once a year. Oh how I looked forward to Easter and the clean slate of starting over. I'm fairly certain it didn't take me long to realize this was quite absurd. And praise the Lord that isn't how it works. It's once for all kind of thing and as far as the east is from the west. That clean slate begins at the precise moment of surrender.

One more jump and I promise I'm done. I'm reading though the Bible. Taking my precious time. Really digging into the Word. Getting as much out of every word as I can. This weekend I was in Exodus 13 and 14 where God brings the Israelites out of Egypt. But before He brought them out, He had one last plague for the Egyptians. The death of every firstborn child. But the Israelites had to slaughter a lamb and smear the blood over their door in order for the angel of death to pass over the house (hence the Passover). But the coolest thing is God's master plan playing out on an old rugged cross on a hill far away. One Lamb. THE Lamb of God. Slaughtered. In order for His blood to cover our sins. No more death. He paid the price. I just imagine the passover happening again. I hear the frightening instructions to smear the door posts with the blood of a perfect, firstborn lamb. Or else. Slaughter the lamb or face imminent death. Well in reality, that's the same choice we all face. The angel of death came that night and the blood of that sacrificial lamb was the only thing saving the Israelites. The same still stands for us, yet the Lamb has already been slain, but we have to make the choice to be covered in the blood.

What can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. Oh precious is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

God has been giving me so much good stuff to reflect on. To really take a closer look at His character and plans. I'm so humbled to serve such an amazing God and a Risen Savior.

I'll leave you with this verse that jumped off the page at me tonight during my quiet time.
Exodus 15:13-14 "In your unfailing love you will lead the people you have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your holy dwelling. The nations will hear and tremble." Powerful stuff.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

P.S. This was intended for Easter, but time slipped away from me. Hopefully it serves as a reminder that Easter is celebrated every. single. day.

The {Supposed To Bes} Syndrome

I'm supposed to be happy.
I'm supposed to be grateful.
I'm supposed to be relieved.
I'm supposed to be rejoicing.
I'm supposed to be content.
I'm supposed to be all put together.
I'm supposed to be an example.
I'm supposed to be .... a lot of things. that I'm not.

As some may have noticed {but most could probably not care less}, I unintentionally took a sabbatical from the blogging world. And looking back on the last few months, it's probably due to all those supposed to bes. The longer this blog goes on and the more people that read it, the more I feel like I should put on here what people expect to hear from me. Not that I've ever really had it all together {because we ALL know that I haven't}, but the problem is that I should, shouldn't I?

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643028912076/

Let's recap why I am supposed to be all those things listed above. I passed two of the biggest exams of my life which basically guarantee that I will be a certified SLP. I am on the literal last downhill slope of my graduate school horror years. 47 days. I have finally established some stability in my life being home. I'm not traveling back and forth around the state of MS living out my car anymore. I've thrown myself completely into my church home {which by the way, feels so good to say} where I feel like I have found my place. I have found new friends. I am leaving for Ukraine in like 50 something days to serve alongside Linda Gray for 6 weeks. I am blessed well beyond what I deserve.

I have every reason to actually {BE} all of those supposed to bes. But I'm not. I'm actually none of those things. Can you see the {funk} that I feel surrounding me? Because sometimes it feels so heavy that I could just touch it. Talk about frustrating. I think what has me ultimately in the dumps is that I've plateaued on this stupid getting healthy journey. I've made no progress since the new year, and that is probably the number one tool my brain uses to beat me down. I've gotten out of my routine of going to work out every day, so I just haven't been going. Today I felt like I needed to get off my lazy tail and do something about it {instead of moping around in my failures}. But that didn't go well either. I had to stop. I never stop. I always push through and suck it up, but today I just couldn't. I felt overwhelmed by everything and like a huge disappointment.

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643028912128/

{Cue God intervening and smacking some sense into me} I know. I know. I needed it.
There's nothing like a ridiculously long shower and putting my iPod on shuffle to get a nice and clear message from God. Maybe I'm the only person who believes that my iPod shuffle is directly controlled by Him, but let me just have this {don't burst my bubble}.

The Finished Songlist to fix my pity party mood:
1. Facedown by Casting Crowns
2. Love Never Fails by Brandon Heath
3. Forgiven and Loved by Jimmy Needham
4. Everyone Needs a Little by Kari Jobe
5. Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns
6. Somebody's Praying Me Through by Allen Asbury
7. To Know You by Casting Crowns

I linked them all to a youtube video in case you need them as much as I did. I still don't feel like I have the answers. And I can't say that just because I got all of this out in the open that I feel any better. I feel like I'm humbled and broken at my Savior's feet ready to be put back together for His glory. I am and always will be a work in progress.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013

 Don't get me wrong. 2012 was not a bad year. It wasn't spectacular by any means, but I am still very grateful for the year I had. 2012 taught me a lot. With 2012, I saw semesters 2, 3, and 4 of slp grad school go by {praise the Lord}. my 23rd bday. wonderful trip to visit my friends in EA. meeting Karen Kingsbury. working at Caledonia Elementary. falling in love with all my CES kiddos. etc. So many good memories. But there were also some sad times. the loss of my uncle. getting braces for a second time {bleh}. grad school classes. realization of how much money I owe in student loans.

http://www.artisticodyssey.com/2012/12/hello-2013.html

Okay, so ultimately, 2012 was really good to me. But I am so super excited about this new year ahead. Why am I so excited about 2013 you may ask? Well, here's why. In 49 short days, I will be on a plane with my entire family headed to the most magical place on earth. yep, harry potter world. oh and disney world. In just 112 days, I will be graduating with a master's degree in speech language pathology {whoa buddy. someone pick me up off the ground}. I will be getting a job which pays me money. I will be camp missionary at Garaywa this summer {lifelong dream being fulfilled here}. I will get to finally be an SLP and make an impact on people's lives like I have wanted ever since God placed this passion in my heart all those years ago. {Hooray} This year has so many exciting things happening. But at the same time ... graduating and leaving the comfort zone of school {which I have been doing for the past 19 years of my life} is frightening. Whew. This year is gonna take some major praying time spent on my knees. Never mind. Let's focus on the positive. 

http://superelectrique.blogspot.com/search?q=2013

So. I've set some goals for this year. Some pretty big ones at that. 

Despite what the picture above implies, my goals will be no where near as lofty as becoming an avid skier or something {that would be a complete joke}.

My goals in order of importance: 

#1 has been a long time coming and the goal that takes priority in 2013. to develop and increase my passion for the Word of God. It has become such a routine for me to check {reading my Bible} off my to-do list. I was going through the motions. I may have been consistent, but I wasn't reading it to get anything out of it. Shame on me. Just think how much I have missed out on. In order to hold myself accountable for this goal, I started a Scripture Journal. {not a surprise considering how much I love writing and journaling} Every day I am committing to reading at least 1-2 chapters and truly seeking God as to what He wants me to learn from that section of His Word. I am so excited to see what God is going to teach me this year. 

#2 is a goal which has been ongoing my whole life, but this is the year that I will reach it {no doubt about it}. to finally reach my healthy weight and maintain the healthy lifestyle that God challenged me to begin in 2012. A side goal to this is for me to stop using the scale as my measurement but instead how God measures my success. I am only halfway to my {desired} weight goal, so I want God to transform my mind to see myself as He sees me. This is not going to be easy, but last I checked, nothing that is worth it is ever easy. God will receive the glory every step of the way. 

#3 covers a more general part of my life. I want to stress less. trust more. I want to embrace life just the way it is and find contentment in where God has me. I am beginning to see things in a whole new light, and it is so encouraging to see how God is already changing my heart. More than anything, I want my life to 100% glorify God. Everything I do is for Him. This year will consist of many changes which will push me way out of my comfort zone and into new places to be the light of Christ. So ...

Bring it on, 2013. Let's do this.

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Modern Day Burning Bush

Here I go with songs again. I don't know what it is about songs that God chooses to speak to me. I think that my heart just opens wide the flood gates immediately upon hearing music. Well, for the past like two weeks, the following song kept playing every day as I was working out. I hear it on the radio almost every day and even multiple times a day on occasion. And later in the day, what seemed to keep sticking in my thoughts was this line: I am not skilled to understand what God has willed what God has planned.

My Savior, My God by Aaron Shust

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed what God Has planned

I only know at his right hand

Stands one who is my Savior

My Savior loves

My Savior lives

My Savior's always there for me

My God he was

My God he is

My God he's always gonna be

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643028254622/

 You can check out the full song here. Totally worth your time whether you've never heard it before or you've heard it a million times before. I am not one for coincidences. I fully believe that God is in the details. the little things. A running joke I have with God is that I always pray for a burning bush. I am not really one for subtlety, but unfortunately, God doesn't always choose to give me the flashing neon sign that I prefer. Here we are just 18 days into 2013, and I have some BIG decisions to make this year. BIG and absolutely frightening. I might be am one of those people who stresses unnecessarily over everything {which I'm working on}. 

I know you're probably wishing right now that I would just get to the point, huh? I'm getting there. God doesn't change. He doesn't leave me. He doesn't stop loving me. How thankful I am for that. No matter what I say or do ... It doesn't change the character of God. I am human, and no matter how hard I try to understand God's plans, it's not gonna happen. My brain is not equipped to handle all the glorious and wonderful plans He has for my life. 

Short and sweet but packed with huge meaning for me and my life. Praise God for my burning bush of a repeated song. 

I am  not skilled to understand what God has willed what God has planned. 

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

a farm-filled christmas and a much-needed update

I've been a little distant from the blogging world over the past couple weeks. And that can be mostly attributed to the jumble of thoughts which comprise my brain. It is already rather chaotic in there, but here of late, it's been on overdrive. Like sleepless nights kind of overdrive.

Merry Christmas from the McMurphy crew

the cousins

First of all, let me say ... Merry Christmas. I know I am a few days late, but I'm really the type that would go around saying it all year long just for fun. As I so often stated this time last year, Christmas is my {most} favorite time of the year. This year was no exception. I was surrounded by family, love, and laughter. If only the abundance of laughter had been enough to burn off all the calories that I consumed amidst this holiday season.

You may ask, "what exactly did you laugh so much about?" The better question is what didn't we laugh about. Gage's giggles. Jordan's stories. Ant hills. Hay bales. Pinterest humor. and Elf Yourself videos. One thing you can be sure of is that our holidays will never be short of laughter when we are all together. This year was even less about the presents than it ever has been. That is something I love most about my family. I am the broke grad school student who is currently unemployed until May {donations accepted ... haha! just kidding}, and my miniscule gifts were just as accepted as all the other ones. Being in my grandparent's home surrounded by those I love and filled with such joy and peace with the celebration of Jesus' birth, how could I not feel like this was one of the best Christmases ever. I am one amazingly blessed girl.

the boys riding the tractor with Papa

a little Christmas Eve chicken barn adventure

my precious Granny

Gage's hiding place

Next, let me note that the whole calorie overload the past week was no joke, and I feel the payback my body is about to give me in the gym tomorrow. I seriously never stop amazing myself. I really thought that maybe I had made progress on this whole food-mind game that I've had going for years, but it reared its ugly head this past week. Every slip, every indulgence, every little cheating bite made me feel even worse about myself. There is some disconnect between my brain and my body. For example, I haven't eaten very healthy whatsoever for the past 5 or so days. Instead of allowing myself some grace and just jumping back on track (let's say tomorrow), I beat myself up and my {inner} vision balloons back into my old self. The same arms, face, legs, etc that looked smaller just last week now look 10x larger. It's irrational how much grief I give myself over eating food on a holiday rather than just pick myself up off the floor and keep moving forward. I'm not done with this journey, and I refuse to let my old mentality take back over. This is God's battle to fight for me, and the longer I try to do this on my own or condemn myself for every shortcoming, the harder life is going to be. Tomorrow (a.k.a. today, December 27,2012) is a new day. It's  day for me to start new and fresh. It is my opportunity to lay all of my struggles and sorrows back at the feet of Jesus.
Okay. Ready. Set. Go.

my attempt at fighting temptation with healthy PB brownies

One last thing I wanted to just throw out there. This is going to sound so strange and in complete contradiction to my mental battle with my weight loss {mentioned above}, but I've had a strange revelation here recently. I've noticed that people are starting to look at me instead of through me. I have always felt invisible. I mean ... seriously ... I wouldn't have seen me either surrounded by such {outwardly} beautiful, skinny people. I do feel different now that I've made progress on my journey to being healthy. Honestly, I've never felt better in my entire life. For the first time ever, I feel like people are actually seeing me for me. I have hidden behind my weight and food for so long just hoping that no one would take notice of poor, overweight Jenna. I don't want to hide anymore from my problems, from my feelings, from my reality. This is the way God created me, and {contrary to what I've thought my whole life}, He made no mistakes on me.

This post came out of nowhere and is more random than I intended, but I felt like God wanted me to share just a little of what is going on with me. It's not easy being honest and open with my wounds and scars, but God always uses my pain to help others going through the same thing.

Stay tuned for future posts ... a very overdue update on my 5K debut and status, some {spiritual} heart issues God has been repairing, new year's resolutions, Passion 2013 just next week, and the beginning of the end {a.k.a. my last semester of grad school and my frightening entrance into the SLP medical world}.

my countdown is getting ever smaller

So long comfort zone. I'm heading out into the big girl world.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Damsel {Refusing to Be} in Distress

Independent. Self-sufficient. Controlling. Dominating.
All words that I've come to see very well describe me. I have been basically on my own for my entire life. Not in terms of family, because if nothing else, I have always been surrounded by such a strong and supportive family and group of friends. BUT ultimately my lack of relationships forced me to become independent and self-sufficient. I don't need anyone, (especially not a man) because I am strong. because I am independent. because I am able to take care of myself with help from no one. 

Because if I let anyone know that I needed someone {especially a man} then I would be perceived as weak.  If I'm weak, I am vulnerable. All four-letter words in my dictionary.

The problem is that I didn't realize that I was closing myself off to pretty much all relationships (even just plain friendships which are just as important). I didn't realize that I was even doing this or that I'm using it as a way to shut out God and not allow Him into certain areas which I call "mine." He can have His areas as long as He lets me hold onto mine. I am such a control-freak. It's actually quite ridiculous. I don't realize what I control-freak I am until I am in the middle of a moment and suddenly it hits me ... that I am trying to control something which was never in my control to begin with.

There is so much to this story which is easy to share in person, but not so easy to type out into words. In order for me to tell stories, I usually have to make circles to cover all my bases. Therefore, I felt the book I am currently reading could explain it better than I can. Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge puts words to my struggle. Enjoy.

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643028387885/

"Fallen Eve {a.k.a ME} controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone -- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, one worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Now, this is not to say that a woman can't be strong. What we are saying is that far too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control. Their strength feels more masculine than feminine. There is nothing inviting or alluring, nothing tender or merciful about them."

"Controlling women are those of us who don't trust anyone else to drive our cars. Or help in our kitchens. Or speak at our retreats or our meetings. Or carry something for us. Make a decision that is 'ours' to make. Suggest a different dress, agenda, restaurant, route."

http://pinterest.com/pin/159455643028031352/

"Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. We are the ones to receive corporate promotions. We are the ones put in charge of our women's ministries. Can-Do, Bottom-Line, Get-It-Done kinds of women. Women who have never even considered that our Martha Stewart perfectionism might not be a virtue. We have never considered that by living a controlling and domineering life, we are really refusing to trust our God. And it has also never dawned on us that something precious in us is squelched, diminished, and refused. Something that God has given us to bring to the world."

Like WHAT???? You mean to tell me that my control-freak and independent ways are not a gift from God? haha. Oh I just crack myself up. I've been so blinded to these ways of mine until last summer when a guy told my best friend that he could never date/marry a girl {like me} who was so independent, self-sufficient, and unsubmissive (is that even a word?). Well, after a year and a half of brooding over these hurtful words, I finally called this guy to get some more details. By this point, I just wanted the truth, so I could hand these things over to God to fix in me. When he was talking to me, it was making so much sense. I make people think I don't need a thing, ... because I've always made sure that no one knows that when I'm hurting, when I'm lonely, when I'm in pain, or when I'm not okay. Why would a guy want anything to do with a girl who doesn't need him? A girl who is bound a determined to do everything on her own with no help from him? I see this flaw now, and I see how God is trying to show me the error in my ways. {whew. this isn't much fun but I know God has good plans for me.}

Sorry I put so many quotes in this post on top of my normal ramblings, but I just couldn't say all that stuff above any better than these amazing authors did. I highly recommend the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. God has used this book to shine his light on my sinfulness and the places of my life that I need to turn over to Him and allow Him to work this out. It is not going to be easy to allow God access to each of these areas of my life. one by painful one.

Daily Reminder: God is in control. {NOT ME}
Feel free to remind me of that any time you want. I will {more than likely} need the reminder.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Turn Your Eyes

Or as I sang all weekend, "Fix your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

I might have had the words wrong, but God placed this hymn inspired by scripture on my heart last Thursday night. As some may know {but most do not}, I had started the application process for the apprentice/career path through the IMB, and this past weekend was a expo/interview to pretty much determine if we were what they were looking for to serve long term. I was a nervous wreck all week long. No joke. My stomach felt like I had pterodactyls flying around.

Side note: {list of stupid things I did}
Unknowingly spilled my pumpkin spice latte down the front of my white shirt.
Walked completely into a men's restroom before I realized it was the wrong one.
Continued to take a picture in my still stained shirt which I had not noticed yet.
Looked down to see the orange splotched all over my shirt and had to keep my jacket buttoned all night long.
Almost knocked over the rest of my latte with my arm because I was talking too animatedly.
At the end of the night, I dropped all of my belongings behind my chair where I couldn't reach them with things falling out of my planner left and right.
Let's just say, it could only go up from there.

Back to the original story. Sparing you a whole lot of details, I'll sum it all up in these few words: I already had a plan. Be on the field in two years or less. This was just a stepping stone.

I went home Thursday night thinking the whole night was a bit rocky due to my accident-prone ways, but Friday had to go as planned.

Nope. Not a chance.
{luckily for me there were no more incidents with coffee or bathrooms}

Instead God had totally different plans for me to discover. I've known since I was a little girl that God wants me overseas, but I have really been struggling with a lack of peace over to go now, wait, or whatever. Needless to say, I just knew God was gonna give me the clarity I needed to just keep on going forward. Negative. Through a long series of events that I would love to share in person over some coffee {preferably not on my shirt} I would love to explain further, God very clearly impressed on my heart that He wants me to wait. That is not what I wanted to hear, and I definitely fought him on it for a good hour or so.

But ultimately, I was surrounded by 6 single females who were all at least 2 years older if not 7 or 8 years older and who were so mature in their faith. I have never felt so inadequate. But in a way, that God had to use these phenomenal women to show me how much growing I needed to do. They were all so full of Godly wisdom that I needed to hear. They were all so encouraging to me and so very genuine in their struggles and victories. God knew exactly what He was doing by placing me there this past weekend.

At first I couldn't understand why God would have me start this process if He didnt intend for me to finish it, but I finally got it through my thick skull that I had to see for myself that I wasn't ready and that God has a lot of work to do on me.

I'm so thankful that He spoke to me so clearly and used those girls in my life to shape me into what He wants me to be. God has plans for me that I can't see right now, but I am trusting Him to show me exactly where it is He wants me. I know one thing for sure: He wants me to me more bold in sharing my faith in my circle of influence. So feel free to hold me accountable for that. I'm giving you permission. It's time for me to grow up and stop hiding behind my pride and self-confidence issues. Enough is enough. God wants all of me. Not part of me. It's all or nothing. I'm surrendering over all that I have. I count it all as loss compared to knowing and serving Him.

Now back to the hymn. I'm so thankful God placed this song in my heart. It's no surprise that I am distracted so easily from everything. It's actually pretty sad. Y'all all know my weakness when it comes to Christian conferences, so as the attack came at me, I just started singing in my head {wrong words and all}. Now just two days later, I still am singing that song and reminding myself to keep focusing on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. When I am focused on Him, the things of earth {i.e. marriage, dating, popularity, weight, looks, money, etc} grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. I am not looking ahead to the future. Where my time spent there is futile. Nothing I dream up or imagine is real life and it only serves as a hindrance to God working in my life. I am not looking behind at the pain, the mistakes, or the memories which only hold me back from God's plans today. I am focusing my eyes on Jesus where they belong.

Praise God that He's not done working on me. I'm always a work in progress.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna