Rescue Me

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'" Jeremiah 17:7-10

My words are insufficient, but God's words always convey what I can't. Makes sense, huh? If not, He wouldn't be God! Have you ever noticed how everyone tells you to follow your heart? Well, according to this verse, I'm gonna go with NEGATIVE on that one. I've been following my heart into hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness, unnecessary rejection, and a million other places God never intended for me to go. I want to be like this tree ... trusting God first and foremost ... it does not fear when the heat comes, it has no worries in a year of drought, and it never fails to bear fruit. Oh how I long to be like this tree. Instead, I spend my time "following my heart," not God. What am I thinking? All of this reminds me of two of my absolute favorite songs in high school by Codie and Josie. First of all, "Rescue Me" was pretty much my most listened to song in the ole green mazda 626, and the words became the cry of my heart.

I wanna step out of me, run away from myself
I wanna chase after you and nothing else
You rescued me, now I'm safe by your side
You were always there with your arms open wide
Rescue me ... from myself
If I'm as close to you as I want to be, God, I'm not satisfied
I wanna be closer, closer to you, closer to you and further from me

Amazing, right? I need God to rescue me from myself and my deceitful heart. I have believed all of these lies that my heart has told me. For example, "It's okay to dwell on who I think I should marry, about the wedding, and about every single detail of our lives together." LIE. My heart tells me that this is okay, but it's not. The only thing I want to dwell on is my Savior, my God. When I dwell on these material/worldly things, I sabotage my relationship with Christ. He wants my whole heart not just the portion that I am willing to give him today that I'm not reserving for that future non-existent Prince Charming. How great is it that God will rescue us from ourselves, and not only that, but He will be standing there with His arms open wide.

The other song is called "Different," and it just sums up my thoughts about what I want my life to say ...

I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you. Not like me that's not what I wanna be. I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you, cuz that's what you called me to.
How can I let others see that this world is not what you made it to be ... I can be different. I can be just like you.

This is what I want. I want to be different. Different than the world. Different than the stereotypical "Christian." Different than the lukewarm followers. Different than the status quo. I want to be just like Christ.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel'" Jeremiah 18:3-6

I see God doing this in my life sometimes ... especially through my times of "control-freak" mode where I try to plan out my entire life and continue on to watch my plan fall to a million pieces. As God has me on the wheel, and I am marred (due to my own attempts to do things on my way). What else does God do, but take me as I am and shape my life into what seems best to Him ... forming my life to His will (where it should've been in the first place).

I'm not sure where this all came from, but it was definitely just the ponderings of my heart tonight. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Overwhelmed

"The choice remains with you, dear princess. Your Father will not force you to turn from the window, but He longs to fellowship with you. Come into His chambers, delight in His Presence. May you be found in Him -- a Lady of Devotion."

This is by far my most favorite quote from the entire book, Lady in Waiting. It gives such an amazing visual of what it is like to have intimate fellowship with the Lord. I'm reminded of the song we sang at Garaywa in the summer of '08. I don't know the title of the song or who sings it, but it just about moves me to tears every time I hear it ...

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
Your love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

When I close my eyes, I see myself standing out on the balcony of a castle that you see in one of those sappy romantic movies that I've watched a million times, and I'm staring out into the distance. I'm probably rotating between multiple of my nervous habits such as biting my cheeks, twisting my rings, or as Brooke likes to so often point out just moving nonstop especially with my hands. As I'm pacing out on the balcony and peering into the sunset of another day gone by in which my Prince Charming is nowhere to be found, I hear God say, "Jenna, please come and sit with me." Day after day, He makes this plea for me to turn away and return to His chambers. Night after night, He asks me to join Him in an intimate relationship. For so long, I have refused thinking my post on the castle wall was far too important and necessary to see what I was missing out on. These are such treasured days in my life where I can wholeheartedly devote my heart, mind, soul, and strength to serving God. My heart has always been so distracted by what I thought I was missing out on regarding earthly love that I missed out on the best part of all which is fellowshipping with my Heavenly Fiance. He is the Lover of my soul and my Prince of Peace ... what more could I ever need.

Before I go, I wanted to share my God moment for the day. I was driving back to my apartment for like the 5th time today, and I think I go a different way every time for no particular reason. As I was heading down one of the back streets, I focused my mind on the familiar stop sign at the end of the whole street, and I was headed for that stop sign no matter what. Before I knew it, I snapped out of my trance and realized there was a stop sign in less than 50 feet. I slammed on my brakes despite the fact that there were no cars anywhere to be seen, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on that stop sign at the end of the road that I almost ran the stop sign right in front of my face. I do this so often in my life ... I get so focused on that next big goal (for this blog's purpose, a.k.a. marriage) that I miss out on the right now and what God has in store for me today. I don't want to do that anymore. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter for me. GRAD SCHOOL. Instead of focusing on graduation day in May 2013, I'm going to keep my eyes open for what God is doing now.

Got a little off topic tonight, but I hope this makes sense to at least one person. It would make it all worthwhile. To God be the glory.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Princess in Training

"To marry a prince, you must first become a princess. To marry into royalty, you must be appropriately prepared ... Is it any wonder that a heavenly princess must prepare inwardly for the calling to which she will give her life? As you set your attention on developing godly character, Christ will change you into the beautiful princess He created you to be."

I know what some of you are thinking ... the whole princess concept is quite dated, somewhat childish, and overly dramatic, but hear me out. I'm not talking about some Disney princess who is stupid enough to bite into an apple from a complete stranger (I mean, come on, didn't anyone ever tell her not to accept candy from strangers?) or some snobby, rich girl who gets everything she could ever want plus more. NO, I am talking about the daughters of the KING OF KINGS. When we are born into the kingdom, we become co-heirs with Christ, we are the sons and daughters of the KING. Did you hear that clearly? We are princes and princesses of our Heavenly Father who sits on the throne of grace. Don't you see ... no matter how cliche this all sounds, it brings me great joy and hope. As a princess of the King of Kings, I want to make Him proud and have him look at me one day and say, "well done, my princess."

The other day I was eating lunch with a dear friend who has always inspired me to follow harder after Christ. She always has this Godly wisdom to share, and God always uses her to clarify things in my walk with Him. As we shared about our respective summer trips and our freakishly similar struggles, she told me how God is working in her life and ways she is growing closer to Him. She told me she is taking each aspect of the definition of love one month at a time. For example, she is working on patience this month (God bless her for that one! haha!), and next month she will focus on kindness. I know God has put her friendship in my life for a reason, and I deeply respect and admire her for her passion for Christ. When she was telling me about this plan, it made me think about this fourth chapter of Lady in Waiting. She is truly a "Lady of Virtue."

"Are you becoming a virtuous woman that a man may need as a helpmate? Are you using these days to develop godliness in order that, if asked, you will be ready? Whether you marry or not, every woman should seek the virtues of Christlikeness."

Like a true friend, she has inspired me to start a quest of my own. I'm going to take the fruits of the spirit and divide them up over this school year (starting in September) to seek the virtues of Christlikeness.

"It is the Holy Spirit, not [me], who produces the godly character [I] seek. These pearls of character are listed in Galations 5:22-23 as '... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...' As these qualities develop, [my] life will become more like a beautiful necklace strung with pearls of godly character."

I want my life to more closely reflect the image of Christ, and I know there is no better way than to start on this journey of becoming the princess of God. My prayer is that God uses this for His glory and His glory alone.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Learning to Love,
Jenna

The Pursuit of God

What would happen if we all pursued God the same way we pursue earthly relationships? I mean when I really think about this, it blows my mind. What if I craved God-time the way I do people time? OR even better ... what if I longed for and desired God as much as I long for and desire a husband and kids? What if my entire day/week/life revolved around staying up late to talk to God, chatting all throughout the day, and anticipating each and every conversation? I think about this a lot. What if I treat Christ as my heavenly bridegroom and pour my love and attention on Him as if we were in an intimate relationship? How glorious would life be if I pursued God the way I pursue a relationship.

I've been reading A.W. Tozer's book, "The Pursuit of God," and I must say that it has been truly enlightening. If you haven't read it, you should. For the past 10 years or so of my life I have refused to read books in the Christian living section in bookstores which I perceived as "self-help" books. The way I saw it, I had the only "self-help" book I needed ... the Bible. Over the past year, God has shown me that although the Bible is the most important book ever and should be top priority on my reading list, He does use His followers to impart the wisdom that He has so graciously bestowed on them. There have been so many times in my life that I thought that I was the only person going through the fire, drowning in the waves, or struggling to take another breath, yet there is a network of believers out there who have sruggled with the same thing and want to help others see God's face through the flames, the waves, and the darkness. There are things in my life that I haven't even realized that were hindering my relationship with God until it was pinpointed as certain things leading to problems in someone else's life. Anyway, needless to say, I have become a huge fan of these "Christian Living" books.

Back to "The Pursuit of God" ... I deeply respect and admire people who are good with words especially since I am not one of those people, so I love when people can make sense of things that I can't fully wrap my mind around ... this is how I see A.W. Tozer. He just has this way with words, and the things that I have always wanted to say, he says so eloquently and perfectly.

"When religion has said its last word, there is little that we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking God-and effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the 'and' lies our great woe. If we omit the 'and' we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been securely longing. We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One."

I want to run in full pursuit of God with no distractions. I am going to pursue God like a man pursues water in the desert. I must pursue God with all of my heart.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Grace for the Moment

Meet my four best friends ... Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress. They have been my closest companions since childhood, and I remember exact moments in my life when I met my friends.

Let's see ... I met Fear at the early age of 6 right after my family moved to Grenada. We were living in our rental house on Carroll Street which was already a creepy house as it was, but shortly after we moved in, my brother decided it was a good idea to make me watch Chucky a.k.a. Child's Play. This is the first time I remember becoming so close to my friend, Fear, and unfortunately, he has clung to my side ever since. He followed me into my adolescence, my preteen and teen years, and even into my young adulthood. He still likes to linger around corners, and he never seems to get tired of hanging around me.

I met Worry quite a few times before this one particular moment, but the first time Worry and I became friends was in 8th grade when my parents told me that my mom was having tests run to confirm their suspicions of colon cancer or Crohn's disease. Worry accompanied me into one of the worst encounters of my life. Worry held my hand and reminded me to dwell on every worst case scenario possible. He helped me underestimate God, and in these horrifying days and weeks, we began a friendship that has grown stronger through the years.

Anxiety was an unwelcome friend around the same time as Worry, but Anxiety really caught me off guard. I was in junior high, and the time was approaching for my first Cotillion (which is a club I was in where the girls/members have to ask guys to be their dates 2 times a year). I only got in because my sister had gotten in, and had I known it would be the start of my new friendship with Anxiety, I might've declined it all together. This is when Anxiety began to whisper in my ear that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, popular enough, or even good enough for a guy to want be my date. Anxiety knew the exact tactics to consume me.

Finally, there is my friend Stress who was and is the one who causes me the most trouble in my college years. I don't think Stress and I were very close until I graduated high school. Since then, Stress has marred almost every decision, test, and change that has come my way over the past 4 1/2 years. Stress told me that our friendship was normal and that all college students were this close. He told me that as long as I kept him close that I would be one step closer to accomplishing everything on my task list. He made me think that procrastination was actually a good idea. He has been my constant companion for far too long.

Anyway, now that I've introduced you to all of my friends, it is time for me to finally sever ties. I have held on to Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress because I wasn't placing my trust in the right place. It was easier (at the time) to turn to them in all situations than to turn to God.

In Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light," he says "God isn't going to let you see the distant scene either. So you might as well quit looking for it. He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future. We do not need to know what will happen tomorrow. We only need to know he leads us and 'we will find grace to help us when we need it'(Heb. 4:16 NLT)."

Satan keeps attacking me with the "what ifs" about school, work, my nonexistent love life, and the list goes on. Over the summer, just thinking about grad school made me want to throw up, and I've already expressed my feelings about my single life. I can so easily get caught up in my same ole friends Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress, OR I can choose to follow this ... "Meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today." (Matthew 6:34 speaks for itself on this matter)

I am trusting that God will give me grace for the moment. I know I will be tempted to reunite with these old friends, but life is so much easier when I rely on God to give me His grace which will help me through it all. I just love the idea of God giving me His grace each and every moment. It sounds like a much more pleasant experience than good ole Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress.

So long, my friends ... I'm loving God's grace for the moment way too much to even take a glimpse back over my shoulder. This is how it is supposed to be. Sweet surrender.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Truth

What is truth? Jesus says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Don't you just love the truth? We don't always like to hear the truth, but ultimately, the truth sets us free. When we were little, our parents drilled in our minds to tell the truth, and no matter how much the truth might hurt to tell it or even to hear it, it breathes life into our hearts and minds. I said I wanted to be truthful about the good and the bad, so that's what I'm going to do...

This is the truth about me. Being alone scares me to death. Just thinking about spending the rest of my life with no one to share it with makes me want to cry. I fear what people will think of me if I never get married. I feel unworthy of love and inadequate. Most days I feel like something is wrong with me ... that I'm just not good enough. If I let go of my dreams of marriage and children, I'm scared I can't trust God to fulfill my heart's every desire(don't worry ... He already knows these things whether I type it out or not, so don't think this is new to Him). I'm terrified that I will have to live the single life in America with people staring at me wondering where I went wrong and pitying me for what I don't have. I fear a life spent wondering "what if" and "how come." I don't want to be the "chosen" single one who has to sit back and watch every last one of her friends find "Mr. Right." Well, that's the truth about what runs through my mind on a regular basis, but don't commit me to an insane asylum just yet ... Keep reading!

This is the truth about God. Truth. God loves me. Truth. God has a plan for me. Truth. God is the only one who can ever give me true happinesss and contentment. Truth. God is my Prince Charming(a.k.a. Prince of Peace). Truth. God will take my burdens and give me rest. Truth. God is all I ever need. Truth. God will guard my heart and mind. Truth. God will never leave me nor forsake me. Truth. God is my refuge and shelter. Truth. God will uphold me. Truth. God hears my every prayer and answers each one as well. Truth. God is a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. Truth. God is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. Truth. God makes all things new. Truth. God is the Author and Perfector of my faith. Truth. God's unfailing love never ends. Truth. God is TRUTH.

Now the struggle I face is replacing my truth with God's truth. Obviously His truth is by far the better option, but it has taken me a long time to build the truth that has come to define my inner thoughts. It's not worth it anymore to dwell on my truth, because God's truth will set me free. This is what I long for the most ... that the truth of God will infiltrate every single corner of my heart and mind.

This is what I will repeat in my mind over and over again ... "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which transcends all understanding, will GUARD your HEARTS and your MINDS in CHRIST JESUS. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8

Learning to love,
Jenna

When God Tries to Get Your Attention

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can't figure out why you are doing what you are doing, but you go along with it becuase you know God has a purpose behind it? And only after do you figure out what God was trying to tell you? Well, if that didn't make any sense, I'm about to share my God moment for the day ...

This morning was wonderful and mostly relaxing. Kayla(my friend and teammate from this summer in EA) stayed with me at my apartment last night after we got back late from our Lousisana road trip to see friends, so I was really excited she stayed with me ... hence the reason I woke up in such a great mood. Might I also add as a sidenote that the whole waking up thing didn't even happen until 10:00am, so that makes for a great day to top everything else off. Anyway, I started getting ready for the day and said goodbye to Kayla, but I still had about an hour until I had to be at work. I sat down on my bed with my Bible and prayer journal to just spend some quality time with God. After a little while, I proceeded to finish up some last minute things before I headed out the door, and I looked down at my hand to see the book, Every Thought Captive. I was really confused by this, because I didn't remember picking it up, and I definitely didn't have time to read any of it. So naturally, I set it back down only to find it back in my hand just a few minutes later. Apparently, I was subconciously picking it up, because God wanted me to read it. I didn't have time, but I knew that God must be trying to get my attention. So I sat down to read it, and lo and behold, it was a chapter on forgiveness.

I have really been struggling with forgiveness for a very long time over something that happened a really long time ago. Someone hurt me, and I saw it as my perrogative to hold on to that unforgiveness. Little did I know how much pain I was causing myself more than anything. God has been convicting me of this for a long time, but this summer, I knew God was telling me that I had to finally forgive and let go of the pain I was holding onto. God really got my attention this morning.

"What pain do you continue to carry with you? Whose name do you cringe to hear, simply because the wound he or she inflicted on you was so deep that you feel unable to forget? Which offense do you remember so vividly that you can taste the disappointment, anger, and anguish as if it just happened?"

"In this fallen world, people WILL disappoint us. People WILL injure us. It's not a question of if as much as when. And it's also a matter of in what way and how deeply. When someone wounds us, we have one of two options. We forgive, or we don't."

"Try as we may, we cannot shrug off or forget a true offense. We can allow minor infractions to roll off our backs, but genuine heartfelt injuries do not simply go away with time. We either mentally choose to forgive, or we hang on to the pain."

For such a long time, I have been choosing to hang on to the pain, but I can't do that to myself any longer. I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to love. I am choosing to follow hard after God.

God is doing some big things in my heart and life. Many of these things are painful and even agonizing, but I know that the fire will only make me shine brighter. BTW ... I'm referring to the refiner's fire. If you haven't heard of the process of refining silver, you should check it out. http://www.clarion-call.org/extras/malachi.htm I feel like God has me directly in the fire, but as long as His image is reflected in my life in the end then it will be totally worth every second.

In regards to my "Lady in Waiting" journey that I have been sharing about, I have had some not so good days the past week, and I want to be transparent throughout this journey. I want to show the good and the bad, but I am waiting for God to inspire me with words to truly convey the struggles I am facing in His words not my own. Satan has been attacking me nonstop since I made this committment to walking more closely at my Savior's side. He is trying to sabotage everything God is doing in my life. I'm doing my best, but some days that just doesn't seem good enough. My heart is open to and waiting ...

Learning to love (and forgive),
Jenna