The Search is Over Part 2

Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.

Like I mentioned before, Naomi knew that although Boaz was willing to step in as Ruth's kinsman redeemer, there was the possibility of another man who was an even closer kinsman redeemer. Naomi wanted to protect Ruth from allowing her "heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."

Ditches of discontentment are where I have lived for far too long desperately clutching my supposedly innocent defrauding ways. It is so easy to be defrauded by guys, friends, and especially oneself if we are not alert to the ways this happens. Herein lies probably one of my greatest struggles, and one in which I will probably always battle. "Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their life."

When I first read about "defrauding," I immediately thought that I don't really know what it is, but that doesn't happen to me. Oh how I didn't realize how wrong I was. I have spent the majority of my life defrauding myself and never recognizing it for what it is. Bear with me as I give a little history. Once upon a time, there was this girl who befriended this boy. She basically committed herself to being whatever he needed ... a friend, a chauffeur, a mother-figure, a girl. She dropped everything for him, drove him everywhere, and gave him everything she had. Unfortunately for her, the boy only ever saw her as a friend. The girl has found the one-way ticket to the friend/mother zone where she lived. This however did not stop her from dreaming of the day that the boy would realize that she was the one he wanted to be with, that she was the one he cared for. The girl's lack of control over her imagination and "prenuptial fantasies" led her straight into deception and ultimately ruined the entire friendship. The boy and girl never recovered the friendship and are no more than strangers today.

An important method of limiting your own self-defrauding is through daily discipline over "prenuptial fantasies." Such fantasies may provide you an escape from monotonous reality, but these moments are dangerous. They will aggravate your struggle for contentment because they are not innocent daydreams, but an attack on your godly contentment. You may be so used to daily fantasies that you might not even realize when you begin daydreaming again about your prince. Often a single woman's struggle with contentment can be traced back to her fantasies more than to her frustrating circumstances. Just think for a moment about three words from Second Corinthians 10:5: "Casting down imaginations." Fantasizing about a future with a guy you have been watching in Sunday school or at word is nothing more than your very active imagination. What should you do when you start daydreaming about a guy you've never dated or even formally met? You must take your thoughts to Jesus and leave them in His capable hands. This daily discipline of taking your fantasies to Jesus is the foundation for your future as a contented woman, whether you are married or single. Right now they are just prenuptial fantasies, but when you are married, those fantasies about other men could continue. Lack of discipline in the area of "casting down imaginations" may result in self-defrauding and needless discontentment.

Again, very sorry for the long quote, but it seriously just smacked me right in the face. I can't even tell you how often I catch myself in these absurd daydreams which are ultimately defrauding my heart and my mind. There are far, far too many examples of how self-defrauding has wreaked havoc in my life and my heart for me to even begin sharing about them, but the important thing for me is to hand this over to God and be aware of situations that could cause me to fall into these ditches of discontentment.

It's no mystery that I am a very prideful person. If I am carrying something heavy and someone offers to take it for me or help, I will respectfully decline even if I need the help. I'm usually too prideful to admit that I need help, that I'm scared, that I'm hurting, or that I might just possibly fail at something. My pride is the #1 thing that keeps me from being as forward with my faith as I should be or stopping on the side of the road to offer someone a ride or even just doing something that God is telling me to do that is completely unexpected and not normal. Cue my pride. It has always been one of my greatest problems to overcome my stubborn pride, and once again, my pride has reared its ugly head. The basis of my discontentment falls on my ridiculous pride. My pride tells me that I deserve this. I deserve to have a husband, a family, a house, a career, and with this pride comes the idea that God must have messed up somewhere ... that He must have fallen asleep and forgotten to give me exactly what I deserve. I'm sure God would just love to give me a nice swift kick in the butt sometimes, and I can't say that I would blame Him. I have this prideful assumption that I am getting jipped out of the life that I deserve which leads to little ME arguing with big GOD about what is best. Who do I think I am? Seriously, I am basically discounting so many promises God has made me ... that He loves me, He has plans for me, He will carry me, He will protect me, He alone brings contentment.

"Exchange your pride for Jesus' strength so you may accept whatever assignment [God] has for you from this moment forward."

"My soul finds rest in God alone ..." (Psalm 62:1)

Learning to love,
Jenna

The Search is Over

"Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be CONTENT in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil. 4:11-13

It has been a year since I started this journey of discovering my identity in Christ as a single woman in a "couples" world, and as I've said before, God has completely turned my world upside down. And praise God for that. Boy, did I need Him to bring me down from my imaginary world back to earth. I'm not saying it has been fun or pleasant, but it has been enlightening and a growing experience. I have found such a deeper relationship with God, and I would not trade that for an earthly marriage any day. This whole journey began with my small group's decision to read Lady in Waiting and subsequently discuss a chapter each week. I could not wait to get this book in my hands. I to this day cannot believe that I didn't start reading it until I was 21, because I think every girl in America should be required to read this gem inspired by no one other than God. No, it's not the Bible, but I fully believe that God uses this book to open the eyes of girls and draw them closer to Himself. Now back to not being able to wait to get this book in my hands ... I clearly had no idea how God was going to tear down every wall in my heart to rubble and begin rebuilding my heart to seek and desire Him before an earthly relationship. That first week I got the book, I couldn't put it down. I read the whole book through in about two weeks (which was in the middle of crazy huge amount of tests, assignments, and misc last semester of undergrad activities). Unfortunately, I read it so fast, and due to conflicts and unforeseen cancellations, our small group wasn't able to make it through the entire book, so I never went back to reread these last few chapters. It was no mistake that I was meant to go back and read this exact chapter at this exact time in my life. How stinkin' awesome is our God? I mean, come on. Sometimes I just don't have the words for how in awe of Him I am.

Lady of Contentment.

The mystery of contentment often seems to escape the understanding of the single woman. She assumes her circumstances justify her condition and give her permission to remain dissatisfied with her life assignment. Not having learned how to lay down the terrible burden of always wanting life to be on her terms, she continues to struggle with the torture of her desires. The restlessness caused by her desire for what she does not have makes waiting seem an impossible task. In fact, to the discontented woman, the word wait probably compares to a "cuss" word in her mind. A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God's best to be rooted in contentment.

Sorry for the long quote, but there was just no way to paraphrase all the good stuff in there. The funny thing about all of this is that singles (not only including but especially me) assume the discontentment is found only in the state of singleness; however, this is so far from the truth, that is laughable. Married and single women suffer from discontentment alike. The mutual problem stems from our failure to find our contentment in God alone rather than men and earthly relationships. This chapter focuses in on one part of the story of Ruth and Boaz. If anyone had the right to be discontent, don't you think it would be Ruth? But instead of finding a discontented widow following her mother-in-law, you find a woman who is clinging to God in the worst of circumstances. Of course, we know the story well. Ruth goes to Boaz as her kinsman-redeemer, and he willingly offers to do anything he can for her due the rumors of her noble character. What's funny is that when Ruth goes back home to tell Naomi, Naomi doesn't start partying and planning the wedding. No, Naomi is careful to keep Ruth in check and remind her to stay grounded in her contentment in God.

Waiting ... "Such an assignment is not to cause suffering, but prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format."

Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.

To Be Continued ...

A Rambling Update

Well, after my last rant about my complete failure in life to be around Christian guys and not wonder if this one or this one or this one could possibly be my Prince Charming, I figured it would be best to give a quick update. Surprisingly or maybe not surprisingly, I got a HUGE reality check on the first night of the conference. I think my biggest problem is that I ASSUME that if a guy is at something like Passion, he must be a Godly man who is as passionate about living for Christ as I am, BUT I found this to be untrue. As we were walking up to Georgia Dome, we were surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people, yet I picked up on a situation happening with some guys (note: I was probably the only person who people watches enough to even catch a moment like this). It was a sobering moment. It hit me straight in the face. Within minutes of being there, God had opened my eyes and reminded me that focusing on Him was the most important thing. After this short moment, I had no desire to jump to conclusions and go back to my assuming that every guy is a potential prince. PRAISE GOD!

God is good. God is amazing. God is awesome. God is great. God is wonderful. God is [insert any other possible adjective here]. I mean, seriously. I had no idea what was in store for me at this Passion conference. For so many years, I have wondered what Passion is all about, and I found out. It is ALL about GOD and how great He is. I learned so much, and God really convicted me of some things in my life. Let's just say to sum up my week at Passion ... WOW! That's it.

School has officially started, and despite my initial goals of getting a head start so as to prevent procrastination-induced stress, that's a negative. I've spent the whole weekend being largely unproductive; however, I have successfully planned a rockin' workshop for the Hearin High School Conference this next weekend. Let's just say I'm gonna give Curtis Zimmerman(the paid speaker) a run for his money with my Leadership world of Harry Potter and FREE butterbeer. I know I'm the coolest, right? haha.

On to my single adventures, I am ridiculously PUMPED for Valentine's Day ... Why, you ask? NOT because of some boy (although I would've settled for that too), but because that is the day that the live song video of How Great is Our God: World Edition will be dropping into my all-access account from Passion. I didn't mention this above, but that was probably the #1 highlight of Passion for me. I CAN'T WAIT! Not to mention that I am so blessed with the greatest love story of all. I don't know if you've heard of him or met him, but get this ... He sacrificed His life for me. He reminds me every day how much He loves me through little things like flowers, blue skies, and raindrops. He tells me how beautiful I am and that I was created in the image of God. He is a Prince whose father is the KING OF KINGS. He loves me at my worst and my best. He loves when I succeed and when I fail. He loves me when I cry and when I smile. His name is Jesus and guess what? the same goes for you. Go back and read all of those again, but every time you see you, me, or I, insert your name there, because we all have the same love story. What a wonderful thing.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Wanted: Focus

Show me a single, Christian girl who can go to a Christian conference filled with solid, God-fearing men and not think about finding a man/husband, and I'll show you a saint whom I would love to meet and find out her secret.

As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.

Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.

God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Christmas in a Cup

About a month ago, I thought I had found Christmas in a cup when I tried Sonic's pumpkin pie milkshake. It was the yummiest thing I have ever tasted ... okay, well maybe that's a stretch, but nonetheless, it was wonderful. The best part was that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside as it made me think of the true meaning of Christmas, spending time with friends, and being surrounded by family.

Note my use of the word "thought." I "thought" I had found Christmas in a cup until tonight when I truly did find Christmas in a cup of gingerbread hot chocolate, and NO, I don't mean the taste of it but the way I got it. Now picture this, you've got me, my mom, and my dad (the 3 musketeers as I like to call us) on Christmas Eve with nothing really to do but look at each other, so about a month ago I decided I wanted to go to IHOP on Christmas Eve after seeing a commercial on TV for their holiday pancakes (yes, I realize that I am admitting what a fatty I am, but the story is so worth it! haha!). There is absolutely nothing special about IHOP, and my parents were less than thrilled to say the least. You would think that I would have preferred some homecooked meal or fancy dinner, but all I wanted was some ridiculously unhealthy pancakes. Humorously, I ended up getting turkey bacon, eggbeaters, and pumpkin pancakes which were far more on the healthy side than almost everything else on the menu there. As we were leaving, I saw a picture of some Gingerbread hot chocolate, and like the 6 year old I am, I said, "mommy, please!" She kind of ignored me at first, but as she was paying, she asked me if I really wanted some ... and I was like, "YEAH!" (I know ... very mature). So I proceeded to ask the hostess girl for a gingerbread hot chocolate to go, and as I asked for it, our sweet little waiter said he would get it and not to charge us. My mom, dad, and I all stood there somewhat dumbfounded, and I more than likely needed to pick my jaw up off the floor. This kind, sweet boy handed me my hot chocolate and said, "Merry Christmas." It was all I could do to get a thank you out of my mouth.

It was in this cup of gingerbread hot chocolate that it felt I truly experienced the real meaning of Christmas in America. After spending 2 Christmases away from family where there are no expensive presents or fancy foods to distract you from celebrating the birth of Christ, it's hard to spend a Christmas in America where although everyone "claims" to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, I would venture to say that most don't. This boy couldn't have been older than 18, yet he did such a kind thing for a complete stranger. To someone else it may have been only a cup of hot chocolate, but to me it was a gift from God, a reminder that He is always with me, always holding me, always taking care of me, and always listening to my prayers. We are never alone, and I am so thankful that God reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas in a cup of hot chocolate.

Many Hearts Beating for One

This title may sound puzzling to any other mind than my own, but if you've ever read my blog before, you can't possibly be surprised by my typically puzzling ways. I am referring to my heart alone as many, and although I only have one heart beating inside my body, I seriously have at least 4 hearts which are fully developed and beating strong around the world for one God, my Savior, Healer, Defender, and Abba.

My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.

This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Perspective

Pity parties are my specialty. Really. I have perfected the art of throwing pity parties. Mine are always filled with excessive eating, endless tears, and a sole guest of ME. In the midst of my infamous pity parties, the world revolves around me and me alone ... the things I don't have, the things that I regret, the things that hurt me. In the midst of my dramatic and ridiculous pity parties, I actually convince myself that things could not get any worse and that my life is the worst it could be.

Cue the wake-up call from God...

Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.

I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.

Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.

WOW. Thank God for new perspective.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Welcome to Reality

Do you ever wake up from a dream and close your eyes really quickly, squeeze them shut, and hope that you can return for just a moment longer to enjoy something that never happens in reality? And after lying completely still for about three solid minutes in hopes of returning to those few moments of bliss, you give up in hopelessness. The dream is gone ... as gone as yesterday's news. How depressing. It wasn't real. I very rarely have dreams that I can remember much less get so deeply involved that I mistake it for reality, but when I do have them, they are intense and so real it would seem I could actually reach out and touch ... and actually feel something. I know this is a little strange, but true nonetheless. I honestly don't know why or how I fall into this trap every time, but somehow I do. The worst part is waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and realizing that it was all just a dream. Let's just say ... only in my dreams. Dreams are great, but when we get so caught up in dreams, we lose sight of the joys of reality. Although reality isn't always what we would choose, shouldn't we be okay with the fact that reality is exactly where God wants us. Reality is that God has a special plan for our lives. I think that is my greatest struggle to accept the reality I have been given. Back a couple months ago, I was driving (which seems to be all that I do these days) back from my cousin's birthday party, and I was just making my way down the interstate. As I looked up ahead of me, I saw some really strange form on the road. At first it resembled a huge monster, then I convinced myself it was an eighteen wheeler on the back of an eighteen wheeler, and THEN I decided it was really a monster. I was so confused, and I just could NOT figure out what it was. Finally, as I drove closer to it, there it was (plain as day).... a golf cart. Really? A golf cart? I did not see that one coming. Isn't that life though? We see things from miles away and make a judgement based on the distorted view we have, but as we get closer, the whole picture seems to become clearer. This happens to me so often in life, and I feel like it can really apply to the topic of choice which is ... duh! marriage. As singles, we look at marriage as this amazing, perfect, and wonderful thing that just completes life, but in reality, it has its hardships, troubles, and heartaches same as singleness. We have such a bad habit of distorting reality into what our eyes are telling us we see versus seeing it for what it really is.

This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Revelation

Revelations. And no I don't mean the book of the Bible. I mean that moment when something that has perplexed you, baffled you, or even just confused you for a period of time and all of a sudden, it hits you ... CLARITY. I love those moments of clarity hence loving revelations. You can probably guess where this one is going, huh?

I had a revelation recently, and for no other reason besides just being my typical self and not EVER being able to completely stop thinking about the whole marriage thing, I found new clarity behind my distorted way of thinking. Yep, you totally saw that one coming, huh? Well, this is good, so you're gonna want to keep reading.

Wedding Day by Casting Crowns ...
There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridgegroom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white

And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe
But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign
On that Wedding Day

I hope you took the time to read those lyrics, because it was the basis of my whole revelation. What a song. I tear up every time I hear it, because it holds such a strong promise for all of those girls (including me) out there believing that an earthly prince charming exists and will come galloping in on his white horse.
Whether or not I ever get married or even have the wedding I've always dreamed of, I AM promised a wedding day. A wedding day with Christ. I should probably leave the bulk of this post to the lyrics instead of adding my words which cannot even begin to compare to the picture conveyed by the words above, but then it's me we're talking about here, so here is my two cents.

What little girl hasn't dreamed of her wedding day? The beautiful, white dress. The flowers. The friends. The family. The love. These dreams will come true one day. The day I take my final breath on this earth and am ushered to the gates of heaven. The first thing I see as I walk that aisle is the eternal Prince of Peace waiting for me. The only one who has ever looked at me and said, "I love you with an unconditional love that sees past all of your failures, shortcomings, imperfections, and disappointments. I see you for who you are. The bride of Christ. I have laid down my life for yours, and there's nothing you could ever do to earn or deserve this sacrifice I made for you. Come just as you are, and I will clothe you in my righteousness. You are my Father's beautiful creation." Despite the shame and remorse for yesterday, I know I have finally reached my wedding day (side note: I realize there was probably some deeper theological meaning intended for this song a.k.a. the uniting of the church with Christ at his second coming, but this is just what God has placed in my heart).

This has brought such peace and contentment to my heart that it is difficult to articulate with words. Each day is a struggle to trust God with everything from the biggest things to the littlest things.

Now that school is out, I hope to share more of my God moments from this semester.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Bringing Good Cheer

Christmas is my most favorite time of the year. Not only because of the giving and receiving of presents or all the delicious food and desert, but because people are generally nicer around the holidays, the music on KLOVE reminds me of the true reason we celebrate, and who could forget the bonding time with the fam?

I walked into Wal-Mart tonight, and lo and behold, there was a Christmas tree. I felt immediate joy and delight upon seeing such a beautiful sight. Trees, decorations, lights, and sparkly ornaments bring all of my wonderful memories flooding back, and it serves as a constant reminder of my first Christmas spent in China when I realized the world does go on and the season isn't about me but about Jesus Christ.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

But Christmas also brings some hard times and sadness. There's always the change that comes with growing up. Things aren't the way they used to be. Siblings grow up and start new lives with their spouses and more families; meanwhile, I'm left trying to figure out where I fit into the new picture that we call family. In addition to changes, there is the loss of family members who were the the mainstays of so many past holidays. The days of Christmas past in the home of my Mamaw and Papaw are days that I will never forget, but they will never be the same without them. Not a day will pass that I won't miss them or thank God for the memories I did have with them. On top of all these things, Christmas always seems to bring out the relationship/marriage card. I bet you didn't see that one coming .... haha! Holidays always remind me that once again I am alone and without the one thing that seems to complete everyone else's holiday season.

"An insecure woman has her world centered on something (marriage) or someone (Mr. Right) that can be lost or taken away. Insecurity keeps a woman from experiencing consistent joy even within a relationship because a man cannot provide security, only God can." How true this is. I have to stop the "woe me" and "pity me" attitude during the holidays. So what that I am alone in one respect, but I am surrounded by a family who loves me and cherishes me. Just ask them. I may be one of the most talkative in the family, one of the most stubborn, and one of the most unusual members of my family, but they love me ... I know they do. I also have the love my Heavenly Father who has always been by my side and always will be. What more could I ask for during one of the most joyous times of the year?

"No man, not even a husband, can fill the need you have for secure love. Only Jesus who "is the same yesterday and today, and forever," will never disappoint or fail you (Heb. 13:8)." Let me preface all of this with the fact that this is a pep talk to myself and is only meant to serve as a way to share what God is teaching me and how He is molding my heart to be more like His during this time in my life. I can find this secure love in Jesus Christ alone ... not a husband. I have to stop waiting to live my life when I have a husband by my side. This is not a death sentence but a chance to live my life exactly the way God wants me to.

"Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out your heart's longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also. But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God's love brings security." Do you hear Him calling you? because I do! I hear Him telling me to let go and fall into His loving arms. I close my eyes, and let my imagination do the rest ... I can crawl into His lap and let Him hold me close, wrapped in His arms as He comforts me with His promises. I am feeling more secure by the moment!

"He longs for you to be secure in His love. He wants to protect, lead, and love you. To develop security, give your heart and emotions to the Lord." Amen and amen. I can say amen, but actually doing it is a whole 'nother story. This holiday season, I am going to practice what I preach. I will give my heart and emotions to the Lord and rest in the security of His love.

"To build security into your life, spend time in God's Word. Proverbs 1:33 says to listen to God and live securely. As you do, you will find out what God is really like -- what His character is -- not just what you think or have heard He is like. You will be surprised at how differently He sees you than what you have thought."
And where else should I start but His word? God is so much more than what we can wrap our minds around, but He does give us a glimpse into His character through His word.

Here's where I am going to start:
"In First Peter 2:4, God says you are choice and precious to Him. He calls you precious, honored, loved. and His redeemed one in Isaiah 43:1-6. Isaiah43:7 says you were created for His glory. You are very special to God -- so special that He plans for you: 'plans for [your] welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope' (Jer. 29:11b)."
"You are accepted (Rom. 15:7); you are not condemned (Rom. 8:1); and you are His child (Jn. 1:12). you are also the temple of God (1 Cor. 3:17). He is your adequacy (2 Cor. 3:5) and He leads you in His triumph (2 Cor. 2:14)."

Just wanted to share my thoughts and more importantly some Scripture.

Learning to love,
Jenna