31 Days // Redeeming the Waiting Place

I wasn't going to do this blogging challenge this year. I just wasn't. Last year was hard and draining. Not only that but I was wracking my brain to come up with a topic and kept coming up empty on the idea front. I took that as my sign from God and just pushed the thought to the back of my mind.

Since I'm in the process of re-brainstorming my blog space aka my little corner of the internet, I recently just started writing and drawing out a breakdown of my blog's purpose, goal, audience, and meaning as well as a few unique tidbits in regards to my own life. It was the craziest thing last week as I laid in bed with words swirling through my mind. It was almost as if God just placed this topic right into my hands like a treasured gift that He wants to share through me.

I immediately jumped back into the challenge of blogging for 31 days again. Am I crazy? Most definitely. Do I trust God to use this for my good and His glory? Absolutely. So this is it. This is me taking on the Write31Days challenge.

Back to my topic. When I started thinking about some of the central areas of concentration of topics, the one that jumped off the page was waiting. I am currently in a season of intensely difficult waiting. Yet the Lord gave me one incredible thought. Redeeming the Waiting Place. Waiting can easily get a real bad reputation in the Christian community, because waiting quickly seems less like waiting and more like God saying no. Or not listening. Or not answering. Or not caring. Satan wants us to waste our waiting  but God wants us to utilize our waiting. In the next 31 {technically 30} days, I want to redeem the waiting place and our view of it. I want to revolutionize our thinking when it comes to waiting and how we can make the absolute most out of our waiting place.

Join me on this journey. This journey isn't just for singles waiting for marriage. It's for everyone who has ever waited and will have to wait in the future. It's for those who are waiting for a child. Either through pregnancy or adoption. It's for those who are waiting for answers. Those who are waiting for healing. Those who are waiting for acceptance. Those who are waiting for restoration. Those who are waiting for confirmation. Those who are waiting for the next season. Those who are waiting for adulthood. Those who are waiting for graduation. Those who are waiting for the next big thing. This journey is for anyone who is waiting.

No one is exempt from waiting. No one.

I have no plan {shocking, I know} set up for the next 31 days. I have no idea what each week or post is gonna look like. I just know I'm stepping out on faith and trusting God to give me the words. So let's see where God leads as I seek to redeem my/our waiting place(s).

one // Redeeming the Waiting Place. You're here.
two // Why We All Hate Waiting
three // Weekend Encouragement {part one}
four // Singing in the Wait {part one}
five // Window into my Waiting Place
six // Confession // I'm a Dweller
seven // Wait Interrupted
eight // Waiting versus Stopping
nine // When Faith isn't the Problem
ten // Weekend Encouragement {part two}
eleven // Singing in the Wait {part two}
twelve // Levels of Waiting
thirteen // Sarah Waited
fourteen // All About That Grace
fifteen // Do {the WAIT} Big + GIVEAWAY
sixteen // What New Orleans Traffic Taught Me About Waiting
seventeen // Weekend Encouragement {part three}
eighteen // Singing in the Wait {part three}
nineteen // Waiting Well
twenty // Just Reach Out
twenty one // Waiting for Rain in this Drought
twenty two // Rachel Waited
twenty three // Worship Through Waiting
twenty four // Weekend Encouragement {part four}
twenty five // Singing in the Wait {part four}
twenty six // Waiting with Gratitude
twenty seven // Struggles in the Waiting
twenty eight // Be Real in the Waiting
twenty nine // Waiting is Better than Settling
thirty // One Day the Waiting will be Over
thirty one // 31 Days Later {Year Two}

How to Help a Friend Who's Hurting

We are human. We hurt. For goodness sake, I hurt. I've been thinking a lot lately about what it looks like to be a good friend especially in seasons of hurting. 

Everybody knows someone who is hurting. & for that matter, I think I can venture out to say that we have all gone through seasons of hurting.

Some "hurts" definitely hurt more than others, but hurting is hurting in my book. Hurting from losing a loved one, from getting bad news, health issues, bad grades, a busy schedule, lack of community, loss of a friendship, a break-up, family problems, the state of the world we live in. All of these things plus more can leave us hurting.

I've been hurting lately. For about a year to be completely honest here. A hurt that comes in ebbs and flows. A hurt that I'm embarrassed of and don't really want people to know about. Hurt over the confusion, chaos, drama, and ultimate loss of the prospect of the one thing I've been longing for as long as I can remember.

I feel like we are all pretty hesitant to admit when we are hurting. Maybe we will seem weak. Maybe we will be found wanting. And maybe we're right. But I think deep down we all just want to be understood and comforted when we are hurting, don't we?

Through my season of hurting, I have reached out. I have shared my hurt. I have tried to release it, spiritualize it, suppress it, rebuke it, deny it, embrace it. You name it. I've tried it. But I'm still hurting.

I have tried to talk about my hurt, and I've been met with a wide variety of responses. And not all of which have been beneficial or helpful. I think there are good and not so good ways to respond to a friend who is hurting. I don't intend to guilt anyone or pretend I've got this all figured out, because that is not my intention at all. My intention is to make you think like I've been thinking about how we can respond to those hurting in our lives. This has really come about more from having people close to me who are hurting and wanting to really be a good friend to them during this time.

These are in no particular order and are likely to jump around. Stay with me.

Let's not give spiritual band-aids. When I tell you that I'm hurting. When I tell you that my heart is broken. When I tell you I'm confused. When I tell you that I don't understand what God is doing. Giving me a church answer of // trust God // {no matter how true and right it is} does not cut it. Like what? Really? I hadn't thought of that yet. {strong sarcasm} If we're dealing with a friend who is hurting, telling them things they already know but are struggling through is likely going to just make them feel guilty for how they are feeling and add to the hurt.

Instead of giving that spiritual band-aid, why not just ask how you can pray for them? why not just listen? why not just ask them how you can be there for them during this time? why not just ask genuine questions to get to the root of the issue instead of trying to brush past it with that spiritual band-aid?

Let's not preach/lecture or really express any strong feelings of disapproval. As a friend, it is possible and likely that out of concern and love and desire to protect that we will take a strong stance of disapproval about said area of hurting. We can take that stance all we want on the inside and have every right to that stance, but I think consulting God through prayer for discernment on how to express our concern appropriately is a better option than alienating our friend from ever wanting to share their hurt with us again. The reality is we don't really know our friend's personal relationship/conversation with God or what exactly they are going through/feeling. We are all unique in how we deal with and process hurt.

Instead of coming at them with your guns blazing, you-know-what's-best attitude, think about a time that you have been hurting and just wanted someone to understand and support. Think about how you can phrase your concern in a way that makes them feel like they aren't crazy or stupid for hurting. Think about how you would feel if you were in their shoes.

This isn't rocket science. And when I started writing this, I really thought I had more points than the two main ones I ended up with. It doesn't matter how many points I make though, I just think we {myself included} could all use a refresher on how to be a good friend when a friend is hurting. I know I need this. I hope that I am a friend who people know they can be honest and open with. Goodness knows my personal area of weakness is that  I am so guilty of trying to fix things when I have a friend who is hurting. And nobody is asking me to fix their hurt. I need pretty consistent reminders to stop trying to fix it. Instead of thinking I know how to help, I think the best route is to let God first and foremost lead me on how to help them but also the hurting friend who personally knows what will help and what won't.

Just the other night, I called my mom just to basically tell her I was hurting. I prefaced the whole conversation with // hey, I don't need a lecture // and for your inner circle people, that may be all you need to say. I just wanted to be able to say I'm hurting and here's why without getting the top 10 reasons I shouldn't feel the way that I do. I'm thankful to have so many people in my life already who do support/have supported me through this season of hurting.

In all honesty, I don't know what I need to do to move past my broken heart. If I did, I would've done it already. You're not gonna find any spiritual band-aids here. But I just continue to take one step after the other, stay grounded in God's Word, and be open to sharing my hurt.

I challenge you that if you are hurting, reach out. Find somebody you can trust, tell them what they can do to help. Whether that's a hug, a daily check-in, silence, prayer, etc. Whatever it is. If you don't know what will help your hurting, talk to God. Ask him. He will show you.

Because I must say that even though I say to reach out, what I know to be true is that God is the only place we will find true healing for our hurting. Can He use people in our life to help bring healing? Absolutely. But let's not neglect taking our hurt to the Healer. He wants to walk us through this. Let him walk you through your hurting. I just have to stop here and be thankful that He walks me through this.

So ... how can I pray for you?

Let's Get Real / / Hair Edition

Getting your hair cut should not be this serious. It just shouldn't. But it's me here that we're talking about. And I had to write this blog post the day before I chopped off my hair just so it would feel more real and I could actually go through with it. Accountability at its finest. No regrets, right?

Things are about to get real, and if I had to put a dollar in a jar for every time I have said // you're about to think I'm crazy // on this blog or in person, I would have saved up enough money to go on a cruise by now{can you tell I've been daydreaming this summer?}.

It's about to get crazy on this blog. Crazy real life. I know that if it sounds crazy to me, it is going to be even crazier to all you people out there that actually read this mess of a blog. Side note // my latest phrase to describe my life which I picked up on KLove just last week is {the hot mess express}. So welcome aboard. Enjoy the ride.

If this were an award show, I would be getting the award for being convicted about the strangest things. Recently at the top of this conviction list. My hair. I love my hair. Call me prideful. Call me shallow. Call me vain. But I love my hair. From the fat kid who has never been a beauty queen, I have felt I deserved at least this one thing. Just this one thing. Great hair. I especially love my hair when it's long. I can braid it. I can curl it. I can do beach waves. I can do a messy bun. The trendy phrase that started not too long ago / / "long" hair don't care / /  Never was there such truth. My long hair don't care, but I do. I care more than I would want anyone to ever know.

I first discovered this problem in college. Middle of sophomore year. But at that point, it wasn't that big of a deal to me and I just didn't really care as much. Because I was still young and not anticipating getting married anytime soon {I'll get back to this in a second}. Next stop. Middle of grad school. Between year one and year two of grad school. This was when things got real. So I'm sure by now you're thinking what is it with your hair? Who cares? I know. I know. I hear you. But here are my thoughts {as stupid and unfounded as they are}. I have for many years found my worth and beauty in my long hair. I cannot even honestly tell you why that is. I just feel in my mind and my heart my hair is the only thing of beauty I have going for me. If you want to throw in even more of a trainwreck in there, let's just also talk about the fact that I've always pictured myself getting married with my hair long and curled. It's just this expectation and hope that I've always clung to. Back in grad school {at the age that I always thought I would get married when I was growing up}, chopping off my hair was hard and almost physically hurt as much as it did emotionally. Life went on.

And here I am three years later with my hair at the exact length I love it at. Long, easy, functional. Maybe even, dare I say, beautiful. I don't want to cut my hair. But I will. Because I value my relationship and intimacy with God far more than my earthly beauty or favor.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 {NIV}

How many times have you heard this verse? Probably enough times to make you want to roll your eyes. You know when you've been told something or read something so many times that you become numb to it and forget its true meaning? Sometimes I feel that way about this verse. But charming girls get ahead in this world. But beautiful girls get husbands. I think I want to be charming and beautiful, but the more I strive for those things, the bigger the void in my heart grows. When I seek after the Lord, the void closes. God specifically placed those words in Proverbs for us, ladies, because He knew in his infinite knowledge that we would need to be constantly reminded. My value and my worth. Your value and your worth are not to be measured by earthly scales but only by His. I am valuable and worthy. You are valuable and worthy because you are created in the image of God.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." Genesis 1:27 {NIV}

He formed me. He formed you to reflect His image not the world's expectations.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; you works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." Psalm 139: 13-16 {NIV}

What I know is that we were never meant to find our value or worth in this world, in people, in our appearance, or even our hair. I know this and believe this. Putting it into action is my next step. I believe my worth and my value is in God not my hair.
Do you know that today? Do you know how valuable you are in God's eyes? Do you know that He sees you as you? Not for your height, weight, appearance but for you. He loves you and is jealous for you.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength

That's the JOY of the LORD. Not the joy of Jenna. And not the joy of the world.

Things have been good. Not because of me or because life has suddenly stopped having problems. But because I have had so much truth spoken to me by loved ones and more importantly God here recently. As we walk this path, this road of life, there will be scary things on the way. There will be hard things. There will be times when you will want to just quit.

BUT the joy of the Lord is our strength.

This last year has been one of the hardest of my life for so many different reasons. Including but not limited to ... moving out of my parent's house, going it alone in a brand new city especially one as big as NOLA, financial hardships, work stress, extra jobs, health/weight issues, personal struggles, and all the other regular stressors in my life. 

Throw on top of that my mom called me on April 22 to tell me that her annual mammogram came back with abnormal results aka cancer. I already know Jan is going to read this, so I might as well just specifically address her while I'm at it. Jan, you scared the crap out of me. You are my best friend. Imagining life without you was unbearable. I know that was extreme, and I know that nothing had been confirmed whatsoever. But in that moment, the world stopped spinning. It was like everything froze. I wanted to be strong for you and allow you to not have to be strong for all of us, but I was dying on the inside.

I know what you're all thinking.Where was my joy then? Where was my strength then? Being a Christian is not a get-out-of-hard-times-free card. It was an immediate get on my knees and pray moment. I'm not saying that I felt like jumping for joy, because I didn't, but amidst the million other stressors in my head, life went on. Some may have read my post about one day and while it wasn't directly pertaining to this, it was part of my thoughts when writing it. Everything changed in that moment. The way I looked at the world and my surroundings were different. Nothing took my mind off of our new potential reality. And nothing seemed as important as it did in light of the news. Although my world had changed, God had not.

It was in the following weeks that I had to completely surrender the fear, the unknown, the anxiety, the everything. Was it easy? Absolutely not. Did it get me through those insanely hard moments? Most definitely. With each hard conversation or day of waiting for another test/result, God showed me what it looked like to find my joy in him. If it had been up to me, I would've crawled in my bed, pulled the covers over my head, and hidden from the world.

Realizing my joy could only come from the Lord gave me the strength I needed to keep going. To wake up the next day. Oh the comfort and peace I found in Nehemiah 8:10b. "And do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" {NIV}. You may call it irony, but I call it divine planning ... each year as I pick out my planner for the next year, I prayerfully choose a verse to put on my cover as a type of goal/year/encouragement verse. No surprise what it was:

To conclude the story: Despite the indicators and the signs pointing to it being cancer, all ending results/tests came back all clear. Praise the Lord. But can I also say that had it been cancer like so many other families face on a daily basis, do you know what my response would have been? Praise the Lord. I can tell you that Jan dittos those feelings as well. We trust in a God who is bigger than cancer, so I say again, Praise the Lord.

I Make Me Crazy

It's easy to put the blame elsewhere, isn't it? She makes me crazy. He makes me crazy. They make me crazy. You are making me crazy. It's always about someone else. That's a cop-out. I make me crazy.

I've caught myself making these exact statements a lot, and it has been eye-opening to see the truth of the matter and the proper pronoun usage is I.

We girls especially have a tendency to pretend that we have no control over our thoughts, emotions, & feelings, but the hard truth is that if we don't control them, who will? No overly spiritual answers here. God controls all things, but there is also a thing called free will and sin which allows us the choice to dwell in all those feelings {etc} or not. That's the point I'm at. What will I choose to do today?

I can blame whoever I want, but the the only blame I can truly find is on myself. I can't control what other people say, do, think, or whatever; however, I am the only one who can control those things in myself.

I say all of this because lately I've felt like the champion of losing all control of my emotions. More times than I can count, God has convicted me with 2 Corinthians 10:5b. "We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" {NIV}.

Am I going to take captive those thoughts? Or am I going to allow them to run rampant as they wish? Not taking those thoughts captive is a very dangerous thing. At least I know it is for me. It becomes all I can think about. And don't we all know that what we think about affects out attitude, our mood, our service. Yep, basically everything. I'm so guilty of this. But I'm so tired of allowing my circumstances and thoughts to have control. God has too great of plans for my life for me to waste even a second of it. God has equipped me with His Word to prepare me for this battle. I have to fight back. I will "take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

No super profound thoughts here tonight. I just look back on my "single" years {which I technically only count from 21 to present considering I've always been single}, and I wonder how things might have been different had I learned this lesson earlier.

Better now than never. I'll never stop thanking God for the lessons He is teaching me during this season no matter how long it lasts.

One Day

That's all it takes is one day.

Have you ever had one of those days? Good or bad?

That kind of day where everything changes. On April 29, 2014, I first felt/heard God calling me to New Orleans. My life changed that day. On December 15, 2007, I left on my first trip to East Asia. My life changed that day. On July 26, 2006, my grandfather died. My life changed that day. Every time one of these days happen, you have to re-frame everything. It's almost like you're looking out of a different and brand new lens. Like before the lens was blue but that one day brought in red which made the lens turn purple. Nothing looks the same when the lens has shifted. Because either something has been taken away or something has been added. But no matter what has happened, it alters everything.

For some of you, everything changed when you lost a loved one, when you met your spouse, when you started college, when you lost your job, when you had a child, or when you made a big move. These days don't happen every day. And you never know when these days are gonna happen. You wake up one morning thinking everything is going to be the way it was yesterday, then boom. Everything changes.

We all have both kinds in our memory. The good life-changers. The bad life-changers. Maybe even the mediocre life-changers. God has been reminding me that as I wait for His plans, everything can change in one day.

All it takes is one day.

It can be hard waiting. Dr. Seuss and God are my two favorite authors on waiting. I take God's writing on waiting a little more seriously than I do Dr. Seuss but there's no denying that Dr. Seuss had a point when he wrote about the waiting place.

You can get so confused that you'll start into race down long wiggled roads at break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. 

The Waiting Place ...

... for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. 

Everyone is just waiting. 

Are you waiting? What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for graduation? Are you waiting for a job? Are you waiting for a miracle? Are you waiting for love? Are you waiting for a child?

There is waiting in every stage of life. I think the part where Dr. Seuss got it wrong was calling the waiting a place a useless place. I don't believe God considers it a waste at all. I believe that is when God is most at work in the waiting place.

The waiting place doesn't have to be useless. The waiting place can be a time of sweet fellowship with God and even those who are walking the same path as you. I have been immensely blessed with how God has literally figuratively thrown other singles or couples in my path to strengthen, encourage, and bless me. I could not even name all of those people. The list is too long.

But I long for that one day. Not just any one day. That one day where I meet my husband and everything changes. I'm not ashamed of this longing. I'm not embarrassed of this longing. I was created with this longing. Sometimes I long quietly and happily with a divine sense of contentment. And sometimes I long like a three year old who just didn't get their way with a full-fledged crying tantrum {don't lie ... you know you've had those too}. Here recently I've unfortunately been more on the three year old end of longing which we could also call demanding.

Someday we will celebrate Christ's unwillingness to give in to our demands --- even when our begging broke His heart. He is working the greater work. Still, He has overwhelming compassion for our pain and confusion. Christ doesn't grow impatient and wonder how we can be so foolish to hurt over earthly losses. he doesn't even sigh and whisper, "If you only knew." His heart bleeds with mercy, and He comes to our aid. Oh, beloved, can you trust a heart like His? {Beth Moore, Whispers of Hope}

But then I read that quote. It was like a tidal wave that swept over my heart drying my tears and silencing the lies. He does care. He does know. He does hear. He does see me. He does love me.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." {Psalm 27:14, NIV}

I believe He wants that one day for me more than I want it for myself. God delights in seeing his children happy. But He also delights in His children finding joy while we wait for that one day.

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who WAIT for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not be faith." {Isaiah 40:28-31, ESV}

I may be in the waiting place, but I wait with anticipation of God fulfilling my every desire in HIM. Did you read that right? I didn't say that I wait with anticipation of God fulfilling MY every desire. I wait in anticipation of God fulfilling my every desire in HIM and HIM alone. Because even if/when that one day does come, it won't fulfill my every desire. Only He can do that.

Fear, Foothold, & Flood

Let me just connect these three words for you. It's a process that begins with the smallest fear. Just an inkling of fear creeping in the recesses of your mind. That tiniest doubt sneaking into your heart. It all starts with fear.

But not just having fear. We all have fears, right? I'm not even gonna attempt to list my fears from over the years. Let's just leave it at one word. Chucky. That is the first thing I remember being truly fearful of. Weird, right? Seems rather unlikely that this fear would ever be actualized, but we're talking about the mind of 6 year old here. So of course it wasn't a rational fear. Most of my fears have never been rational. For instance, I am to this day scared of terrified of frogs. Completely irrational. Honestly cannot even tell you why I am afraid of them. So fears. We all have them.

But when fear gets a foothold, it starts out oh so minute. The fear sees the opportunity to immobilize us. To insure we are as ineffective as possible as children of God.

That fear builds and builds. Kind of like a beaver building a dam in a creek at my grandparent's farm. My grandfather hates loathes those beavers because they clog up the creek and keep the water from flowing down wherever it's supposed to go. I'd have to do some more research here to be accurate, but I know that when the water flow is cut off, it affects the whole farm. It can be disastrous and cuts off all water supply. It doesn't take a farmer or a genius to know that a cut off water supply costs lives.

So here I am {the creek} with the life-blood of Jesus {the water} flowing through me, and that one little fear {branch/log #1} creeps into my heart {the center of the creek bed}. The fear starts out so small and almost unnoticeable at first that it's hidden away unknown to everyone around me and possibly including me. It seems harmless and only hinders the flow of water {Jesus} slightly. There you have the introduction of the foothold. The opportunity for complete takeover.

That beaver keeps building a bigger, stronger dam which will stop up every bit of water running through that creek. The same goes with the fear. It has built itself into a life of its own strangling out the very voice of Jesus calling me to trust Him. There's only one way to remove that beaver dam, but we'll get back to that in a minute. 

But the foothold has now turned into an impending flood. Let's switch illustrations for a second to finish the connection of fear to foothold to flood. If you're familiar with Mississippi, I grew up north of Jackson in Grenada which is pretty much only known for gangs, drugs, and Grenada Lake. {side note: slight sarcasm} Grenada Lake is known for the Dam .... and Thunder on Water but that's beside the point. I grew up going out to the lake for church events, recreation, etc and the dam was a sight to see. I'll never forget one day seeing the water rushing over that dam with a force like I had never seen. Needless to say, you didn't want to be in its path of fury. This to me is what happens when we allow even the slightest of foothold from our fear. The dam is built and the water is being obstructed from flowing. The water builds and builds until one day the flood comes. That reservoir of fear had been just waiting in anticipation of breaking loose and taking with it all trust in God right along with the strong current.

What fear is it that I'm allowing to bring God-drought into my life? The fear plaguing me at the moment is a troublesome one. Can I trust God in this stage of my life? Like really trust Him? With everything? Through it all? Will I choose to trust Him or will I live in fear?  For the past eight, long months, the dam has been building, but I'm choosing to forgo the former flood I mentioned and choose my grandfather's dam-breaking solution. Dynamite.

Yep, you read that right. D-y-n-a-m-i-t-e. I'm done letting fear obstruct the water {Jesus} flowing through me. I'm taking it head-on and putting some dynamite to it. The question is will I continue to allow my trust to move further and further away from God, or will I stop it in its tracks and place my trust back where it belongs. Insert dynamite. My grandfather loves sticking dynamite to those beaver dams, and I think I am gonna enjoy taking dynamite to my fear as well. I want to trust. For those practical thinkers like  me out there, you may be thinking {like me} what exactly is the dynamite. It's God's Holy Word. This is my dynamite.

"I will fear no evil for you are with me" Psalm 23:4
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart" Proverbs 3:5-6
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts" Isaiah 26:3
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior" Micah 7:7
"Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me, you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men" Matthew 16:23
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace" John 16:33
"Do not be anxious about anything" Philippians 4:6-9
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way" 2 Thes 3:18

We were not made to live in fear but in freedom.
We were not made to dwell in anxiety but in peace.

No more fear / / only trust.

When the Struggle isn't Obvious

We all struggle. Obviously all differently but sometimes the same. We share struggles but we also have our unique struggles.

I know our struggles compared to that of a starving child's in a third world country do not seem to be a struggle at all. Let's just go ahead and get that out of the way. This is true; however, we are human and struggles hurt our hearts all the same.

Struggles seem to have earned some type of taboo. I believe there is a gigantic difference between complaining about our struggles and working through our struggles. For this reason, many people choose to struggle in silence. Not opening up. Not sharing with anyone.

It's hard. I know. People won't understand. It will make us vulnerable. There must be something wrong with our relationship with the Lord if we're struggling.

I don't agree. People may not understand, but they can listen to us, pray for us, love on us. Vulnerability is tough. But there is so much freedom in it. Not having to hide anything. Being free to share our hearts and the deepest hurts we have. Even Jesus told us that we would struggle in this world. He knows our hearts. No matter how strong our relationship with the Lord, struggles can still exist.

I know this from experience. Over the last month or so, I have been struggling through a dark funk. Maybe it started after I stopped my 31 day blogging challenge. As hard as that was, it was totally worth it. I've missed it this month. But I have been struggling on the inside. For a while, I hid it away. I didn't want anyone to know I was struggling. I had just come off this super high of a blogging challenge where my faith and relationship with God had grown leaps and bounds, yet I was gonna sit here and say I'm struggling. What kind of Christian does that make me? But what I've come to see is that makes me human. That makes me real.

                     

Once I was tired of hiding the struggle, I started reaching out. One by one, I sought out people I trust, people who love me, people who I knew would pray for me. I was so weary from begging/pleading with God to take this struggle away that I no longer had the words to pray. I knew I needed some backup.

The hardest moments were at night. Taking Melatonin was my only out. If I didn't take something to sleep, I would lie awake for hours. tossing and turning. praying and crying. begging and pleading. Just desperate for God to heal my heart from the confusion. the hurt. the longing. the loss. all of it. It was torment. It left me feeling spiritually weak and weary. I was scared to sleep without taking something to stop my brain and help me sleep. {anybody else pray for an off switch for their brain?}
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Side note: But when it came time to step out from behind my door, I put my smile on. I have a job to do. I have friends who don't want to hang out with negative nellie. I know people who are suffering/struggling through far worse things.

It all goes to show that we never know what people are going through. We, as Christians, are called to love, care for, and nurture the hurting. Are we asking the right questions? Are we being intentional in our relationships that they would even trust us with their struggles? Are we praying for our friends/neighbors/acquaintances? Are we putting ourselves out there to be used by God to mend others' hearts?
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Back to the story. Last night I did something I don't normally allow myself to do, I reread a conversation that has been primary source of my struggle. I love words. Writing words in a way that speaks love, truth, laughter into hearts is a joy for me. But the other side of that is words hurt me. Words slice straight through my heart and stick with me. I replay words over and over again in my brain. From rereading this conversation, I read it in a totally different light. I saw the truth of their words and not some emotional interpretation from several months ago.

In that moment God freed me from those words. He freed me from that struggle. My first reaction was to text my friend to tell her that I felt the struggle lift from my heart right then. Her response was this: I've been praying for you.

God sees our hearts. He sees our struggles. Let's shed some light {God's light} onto our struggles. Let's bring them out from behind closed doors and allow the Son shine to do its healing work. Let's invite our people in to help us. Let's experience that freedom.

If My Heart is Overwhelmed

And I cannot hear Your voice, I hold on to what is true though I cannot see. If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith. 

I will believe. 

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of your Son. 

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

Overwhelmed. That word doesn't even seem to cut it right now. I've been battling that inner voice in my head for several months now about whether or not I felt like I could truly share some of my most shameful and painful struggles that have come out of this new season of my life. Facebook and Instagram paint a pretty nice and neat picture of this new venture I set out on in August. And the truth is that is has been great. I love my life in NOLA, and the fun portrayed in those pictures is the real deal. But this is Vulnerability 101. Diving into the good, the bad, and the ugly. This, my friends, is my ugly.

As I sit here with tears in my eyes reflecting on the last few months and looking ahead to the next few months, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. Being an adult is hard. Life is hard. I always looked ahead to these years of my life with rose-colored glasses thinking it would be the best time of my life. For the record, singleness doesn't automatically imply an easy life just because I don't have the demands of a family or the needs of a husband. I have such a strong desire to be present in my current stage of life and serve the Lord wherever He calls me which leads to its own unique problems.

All that to say, moving to NOLA was a direct call from God that I chose to follow. I do not doubt that for one second. I was already somewhat tight on finances before moving from MS, but moving to LA quadrupled my financial strain. I hadn't saved up like I would've liked to in order to make such a major move; therefore, I was left with a choice. I'm not proud of my choice. I'm actually quite embarrassed by the credit card debt that I have accrued in order to live and eat down here. It seemed so reasonable and easy at the time. My salary doesn't even cover all of my bills at this point. I am in over my head. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I feel compelled to be honest about my journey and the mistakes I've made. Would I have done it differently if I had it to do over again? I don't know. I didn't see any other choice and still don't. So now I'm at a point where I am in constant fear of overdrafting my account, frustration over not being able to buy groceries, and exhaustion from carrying this burden.

I don't say all of this to generate pity or sympathy. I genuinely just want to take this moment/post to put words to my struggle. Sometimes this is the only way I can let go of the fear by allowing God to write my heart out on this blog. I have taken on one side job in the afternoons but my time is already too crunched between church, work, and seminary obligations. I feel like I am being pulled in a million different directions and the strain on my heart has finally hit me like a ton of bricks. Today was the final straw.

I'm digging my own way out of this hole and by my own way I mean through God's provision. Paying back every painful cent by cent. I wish there was an easy fix, but I'm afraid that the consequences of this particular situation is gonna be haunting me for awhile. There is a light. I can see it. God has provided. He will sustain me.

If you're in a similar situation {which I pray you are not}, you should first know that you're not alone. Second of all, God is with you. He has not left you. Third of all, God hears you.  And last but not least, God is working even amidst the storm. I'm quite certain this storm is of my own doing, and that's what makes it even harder to endure. But I cling to my Anchor, my Refuge, and my Hope. You have the same God at your side. Run to him.

If you don't know what it's like to be in this situation {which I pray you haven't}, take a minute and just praise the Lord for that. What a blessing. On the other hand, I know there is probably something else. Another painful struggle. Whether that's of your own doing or not. No matter what you're going through, those four truths about God listed in that last paragraph still apply.

To everyone out there struggling, hear these words ..

When my heart is filled with hope every promise comes my way. When I feel your hands of grace rest upon me. Staying desperate for You, God. Staying humble at Your feet. I will life these hands in praise. 

I will believe.

I'll remind myself of all that You've done and the life I have because of Your Son.

Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am Yours. Lord, I'm forever Yours. Mountains high or valley low, I sing out and remind my soul I am Yours. I am forever Yours. {Kari Jobe}

We're In This Together

All of us. The Church. God's people. We have a mission. The Great Commission. "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." (NIV) Matthew 28:19-20

But here's the thing. I wholeheartedly believe that going into ALL nations looks different for each individual believer. God puts special and unique callings and passions in our hearts. We all have a part in sharing the Gospel. Whether that takes place on the other side of the world or right next door. To me it's ALL going.

As much as I love and feel called to East Asia, I still feel compelled to support and send forth others who follow in obedience to the great commission.  To New York. To India. To Nevada. To Africa. To Illinois. To Ukraine. To Florida. To Italy. It's ALL going. That's it. We are ALL in this together. We all have a part to play today and forever.

My calling is to East Asia. I know I'm called to sharing Christ with all those around me right where I am the other 350 days of the year, but there's something that comes alive in my heart and soul when I'm there. When I'm doing what God created me to do. Sharing His love and His story with those who have NEVER heard.

I contemplated back and forth what to do about going back this year. Every part of me aches to go back on a daily basis. The problem is that my desire to go back was outweighed by my lack of funds. I have the heart to go and the willingness to go but can't afford to go on my own.

So what do I do? Do I give up? Or do I step out on faith and trust Jehovah Jireh, the God who Provides? I choose to trust; therefore, I've decided to sell a tshirt.

I know. I know. So is everybody else. But this is all I got.

If you feel led to support the furthering of the Gospel and me, I would be so thankful. The tshirt is Anvil SoftStyle, and I'll be selling them for $20 for all sizes plus $5 if you need it shipped. I do travel around MS a lot, so I would be able to deliver any shirt orders along I-55 from New Orleans to Memphis as well as the Columbus/Starkville area. You can comment here on the blog, on facebook, or email me with your size and pay with cash, check (made out to me which I will in turn use to pay both fund the nations and for my trip), or paypal. In order to use paypal, you can just choose to send money and enter my email: jennamcmurphy@gmail.com. Please feel free to contact me with any questions. 

Philippians 1:3-6 "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all of my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your PARTNERSHIP in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (NIV) 

That's all I'm asking. Please partner with me in the sharing of the Gospel. I wanted a shirt that reminds you that your giving, supporting, believing, praying makes you a partner. You become  part of the story of each new  believer. For every student who turns their life over to God and accepts Him as their personal Lord and Savior, you had a part in that. Thank you in advance for supporting me and the Gospel.