Abide

I used to be afraid of being alone. I would rather not do it at all than do it alone.

Eating at a restaurant. Going to the movies. Working out. Enjoying the park. 

I think I dreaded the pity in people's eyes.  But really I dreaded my own pity. 

I'm slowly but surely learning the value of being alone. And how good it has been for my soul. 

Currently as I type I'm swinging in City Park allowing the glorious rays of the sun to warm my bear arms following a pathetic run. It's January but somehow New Orleans knows how to get some amazing weather when everybody else is bundling up around the country.  

I've rarely if ever experienced such peace in the still, quiet aloneness (thought I made this word up but turns out it's in the dictionary) of the moment. 

After the absolute worst excuse for a run the week before I do a half marathon that left me quite near a full blown panic attack with labored breathing, I felt an overwhelming need to just hear from God's Word. So I opened my Bible app like all other good smartphone Christians. And thanks to SheReadsTruth's John study, I opened my e-Bible to John 15. 

"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:4-5 ESV)

Abide. I'm all about looking words up for their definition/meaning and even Hebrew/greek translation. Check these out.

 

I couldn't pick just one. All of them give me such a better and beautiful picture of what Jesus was saying in those verses.

Have you ever tarried along? I'm not exactly one to tarry. I actually am that person who speeds walks with a purpose everywhere I go. People who tarry make me anxious. Remember that I'm a planner therefore that comes with to do lists and plans which must be done in a limited amount of time. There is no time to tarry. 

Jesus is saying to me remain/stand/stay/tarry/continue in Me. Sometimes that means for me to stop running around and tarry a little longer with Jesus. More than that, I think for me He is teaching me that what to me may be aloneness (my possible made up word of the day) is Him calling me to abide in Him. 

A week from tomorrow I will participate in a half-marathon which I only committed to do because I wasmt gonna to have to do it alone. Well things happened and guess who's going it alone. Yep, me. But I'm taking this as Jesus calling me to abide. Just remain. Just tarry. Just continue on. 

Outplanning the Planner

That's me. The planner. I'm good at it. You want something planned. I'm your girl.

I mean. Have you seen my planner?

Erin Condren made my planner dreams come true in 2012 thanks to a lovely {& God-sent, of course} grad school classmate. That's beside the point. I love to plan things. I love writing my weekly/monthly/yearly schedule down in order to make lists and be as prepared as possible for what's to come each new planner year.

Well, the planner {that's me ... keep up} has officially been outplanned. I don't know if "outplanned" is truly a word but if it's not, just go with it for now.

{side note/disclaimer/warning: I've never really tried to hide my oddities. Not in person. And never on here. I want people to know I am real and possibly even crazy. I think it shows that God can use anyone ... even you ... if He can use me.}

So my plans. There have been 5 year plans. 10 year plans. There's even been 20 year plans. A little much you say? Oh yes, definitely, but I warned you that I'm a planner. I planned to graduate high school. check. go the the W. check. join a social club. check. go to grad school. check. graduate and get a job. check.

Many of my plans have been wonderfully successful and fulfilling. But somewhere along the way, I felt the need to pick two dates in the "distant" future  which would just work perfectly for the planner to get married. I knew I wouldn't be married by 22. My dating life was nonexistent and no potential in sight. I set my sights far, far out there.

March 15, 2014 & March 14, 2015. two perfect dates. March: my favorite month of the year. Good weather. Saturday before typical spring break for honeymoon purposes. I planned for everything. What I didn't plan for was the "no husband" part.

I clung to those dates as if me verbalizing/setting this plan would automatically make it become God's plan. It was where I placed my hope for marriage. I can go another day being single because it's not forever. I have dates. I have plans.

But God. I take note every time I see these words in the Bible, because it is the certainty of a God who is in control of my past, present, and future.

But God is the Ultimate Planner. He knows best and what will ultimately bring him the most glory. Obviously one date has passed me by and the second date of March 14, 2015 is most definitely not gonna be my wedding day. So where does that leave me? Hopeless? Disappointed? Unloved? Unworthy? Depressed? Lonely? These might be feelings that are felt along the journey but they do not describe me or who I am even as we quickly approach my second and last planned wedding day.

I still have hope in a God who never fails me, never leaves me, and never forsakes me. I still feel loved by a God who created me and knows my heart intimately. I feel joyful and honored that God has chosen me for this singleness journey. Maybe my singleness is only for a season. Maybe it's for a lifetime. I can officially say this planner does not know. I'm turning over my plans to the Lord and trusting that He will bring about the best in my life, because I want God to be glorified more than I want to be married.

2015 // flourish

A new year. A blank slate. A fresh start.

There's no real physical change from December 31 11:59pm to January 1 12:00am. It's just another day. It's the same phenomenon that happens every night when we go to bed and wake up the next morning.

But there's something about that end of the year rolling over minute. Those first 60 seconds of the new year. A breath of fresh air. A chance to let go of everything from the previous year and take hold of everything that God has in store for the new year.

I almost always set goals for the year. Sometimes I reach those goals. Sometimes I don't. Seeing as last year was the first year of this vast open calendar which is my life from year to year now that I am out of school, I didn't really set any goals. I wanted to go back to East Asia, and I did. I wanted to grow in my relationship with God, and I did. I'd say that was pretty successful.

This year I am taking a two-fold approach. A word for the year. & some specific, attainable, and necessary goals.

Part 1 // My word for 2015:flourish.

Let me start with my the definition of my word from Merriam-Webster Dictionary.

flour·ish
verb \ˈflər-ish, ˈflə-rish\

: to grow well : to be healthy
: to be very successful : to do very well

intransitive verb

:  to grow luxuriantly :  thrive

:  to achieve success :  prosper flourish

 noun

 :  a period of thriving
:  a luxuriant growth or profusion flourish

of white hair> flourish of color>

:  a sudden burst flourish of activity> 

Just the word itself just brings to mind a bouquet of flower buds that look so delicate and small but overnight burst open into an array of colors with so much life and vibrancy. When I started to think about the upcoming 365 days, I want to experience growth in my relationship with God. The difference is that I don't want to just grow, I want to flourish. I love the synonyms // thrive:prosper. I desire for my walk with the Lord to more than just be. I want it to thrive:prosper:flourish. To be so virbrant that Jesus is just bursting from inside of me.

Part 2 // Goals. Very reasonable goals that will help me to flourish in my relationship with God.

one. Beth Moore's Siesta Scripture Memorization Team. 2 verses per month. 24 verses total.

two. Half-Marathon. not just one but two of them. {I'm officially crazy}.

three. One year chronological Bible reading plan. Finish it in September.

four. Bible journaling. This is something I am so looking forward to. You can be assured you will see/read much more about this in the upcoming 365 days.

And that my friends is my two-fold plan for 2015. I have no set plans for this year. I am literally just going with the flow.

Wherever God leads, I will follow.

2015 is all for you, Lord.

2014 // year in review

Every year ends. Year after year. It comes to a close.

This time last year I had no idea what the year had in store. none whatsoever. I know we never really know what will happen each year, but this one was different. For the first time in my life, there were no big life markers. Graduate high school:Start college. Finish Sophomore year:Work at Garaywa:Start Junior year. Graduate college:Start graduate school. Graduate from graduate school:Start first real job as SLP. There were always important moments to revolve the year around.

2014 was different. There was nothing. No set life milestone. A completely blank slate.

The calendar was empty. 365 days yet to filled with a single date. Little did I know the roller coaster of a year I was in for.

On January 1, 2014, I wrote these words of prayer to God:

Push me out to stand on my own two feet & to truly rely on my faith. Turn my world upside down if you you have to. What I want more than anything this year is to fall more in love with you & bring more glory to your name. I have no idea what this year holds. I pray that no matter what happens, you draw me deeper in your Word, your arms, your love, & your will. I want my life to reflect you in every way possible. My ultimate goal is to turn everything over to you & allow you to work it out according to your glory & plan.

At this point {365 days later}, my words are just comical. God did far more than I could have ever imagined and did exactly what I prayed. He turned my world upside down. Like this ...

January // Began working out/training with the amazing Alicia Burr at Jane's Gym. Started Beth Moore's Bible study, Believing God.

February // Valentine's Day was one for the books. One of the most breath-taking and awe-inspiring sunrises I've every seen. Jordan's broken elbow which sent this aunt's heart into full panic mode. A month full of God's provisions.

March // Weddings galore. Mac {the mini aussie} entered our lives. My 25th birthday spent with sweet friends and amazing family. Ministry opportunities that God used to refocus and refresh my heart. Jonah study with She Reads Truth. Homecoming at the W. A prayer for God to lead where my trust is without borders and that my faith would be made stronger which changed everything. the 29th was the night I first felt God calling me to New Orleans.

April // Worked a Garaywa Mother/Daughter as camp missionary. Made the first trip to New Orleans with my mom to tour New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary where I plan to take classes eventually and look for apartments. Was told by a therapy company that it was unlikely I would find a job in NOLA due to the job market.

May // Had two interviews for school jobs in NOLA. Received and accepted an offer for the job with Jefferson Parish Public School System. Finished my Clinical Fellowship/first year as a school SLP at DeSoto Central Elementary and said a tearful goodbye to the best first job I could have ever asked for. Got on a plane headed out of the USofA and to the greatest place on earth, East Asia.

June // Packed as many meetings and people into one month as I could in East Asia. I ate the best food on the planet. Made new and lifelong friendships. Traveled in EA to a new and exciting city. And had the privilege/honor of leading a brother to a relationship with the Lord alongside two dear friends.

July // After a typical turbulent {not literally} flight schedule back home, returned home from EA. Granny had a heart attack just hours after my return sending our family into an even more turbulent next few months getting her better. Signed HR paperwork for my new job in NOLA later that week. Chaperoned LHBC Beach Week and enjoyed pouring into the lives of the youth girls while also getting poured into by the other women on the trip.  Spent the last two weeks packing up all of my belonging and squaring away the short period of life I lived in Olive Branch.

August // Said my final goodbyes in the beginning of August and moved to New Orleans. Started my new job at Paul Solis Elementary. Moved into my new apartment. Attended Beth Moore's Living Proof Conference in Memphis. And celebrated Jordan's 6th birthday.

September // Spent every other weekend traveling all around the state of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama for recruitment, wedding stuff, and a concert. Adjusted to my new life in NOLA. Started going to First Baptist New Orleans and Level Ground Community Church.

October // Participated in a write 31 days blogging challenge. Started a one year chronological reading plan of the Bible and finally learned how to wake up earlier to spend time with God to start my day. Reconnected with a childhood friend. Seafood festival. More wedding festivities and traveling. Signed up for a half-marathon. Started teaching GAs at FBNO.

November // Attended my best friend's wedding. Moved my grandparents to Olive Branch in order to better take care of them and ensure that they are around as long as possible to make even more memories. Continued half-marathon training. Went home for the Thanksgiving holiday, caught up with some sweet friends, and spent thanksgiving eve at the ER because mother loves to scare us to death.

December //  She Reads Truth Advent Study. Nights and weekends filled with holiday movies, lights, and parties. Celebrated Gage's 4th birthday. Spent quality time with family celebrating Jesus, the true meaning of Christmas. Headed back to NOLA for new years.

This was really just for my benefit, so if you made it all the way through that, God bless you.

God is faithful ... even through the changes. Not a single month went by without clear evidence of God weaving together a bigger picture. One thing is clear: God is in control. I wouldn't change one single moment of 2014, and I am already looking forward to what God has in store for 2015.

Goodbye, 2014. Hello, 2015

The Fear

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just after I hit register on the Rock 'N' Roll Half Marathon website. Fear overtook every part of my being.

Oh the fear. 13.1 miles. What was I thinking? Am I totally crazy? To answer that for you. yes, yes, I am crazy out of my mind. I've lost it.

You know that quote that says, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing game." I think whoever said that stupid quote never signed up for a half-marathon.

14 weeks. That's how long I have. 14 weeks from today exactly is the day of truth.

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. You know all those posts where I've stated that I'm not a runner. That was not me being humble. That was not me being modest. That was not me exaggerating.

I love goals. I set short-term goals. long-term goals. any term goals just to get myself to them. Setting goals pushes me. So when I'm in need of pushing myself outside of my box, I feel this eagerness to set a goal. Why I thought a half marathon was the best goal to set is still beyond me.

Fear.

It could overtake me. It could stop me in my tracks. It could put an end to all my goals.

But I refuse to let fear stop me from doing anything. So I'm gonna fight it with Scripture.

"I will fear no evil, for you are with me" {Psalm 23:4b NIV}

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." {Proverbs 29:25 NIV}

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." {Isaiah 41:13 NIV}

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." {John 14:27 NIV}

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." {2 Timothy 1:7 NIV}

No more fear. Okay. Maybe I do still have quite a bit of fear. But I've fighting off the fear and choosing to trust Jesus.

No fear. Just Jesus. 

31 days later

Every day I wake up. Every day I think about the good and bad things. Every day I wonder about my present circumstances and my future. Every day brings with it a choice. 

Will I allow God to provide contentment and not my present circumstances?

I am 31 days closer to God. It definitely lived up to its name. A challenge. On a daily basis, at least one life lesson, experience, God moment happens that would be blog-worthy, but having the discipline/commitment to actually write about it is a different story.

At the beginning of this challenge, I actually made some big life changes {for me they were big} that I believe catapulted these 31 days of blogging. On September 29, I made the decision to defeat my long-running cycle of extreme laziness and start having good, quality quiet time in the Word each morning. I am not a morning person. I love mornings once I'm awake, but it's the waking up part that I hate. Miserable. I have been the hardest person to wake up my entire life. Just ask my parents and my siblings. My dad tried to several tactics {which might I add were all useless} such as throwing water on me, turning on my light, and letting me oversleep making me late for school. Thanks, daddy.

When I went to college, it got worse. Literally would roll out of bed at 7:55 for 8:00 classes. Which might prompt you to ask why on earth I had 8:00 classes. Well because I really did try to be a responsible adult who functioned properly in the morning. Like I said, once I am awake, I am good as gold. Now we move into real world life where I have to be at work on time every morning and waking up has become a legit problem. I finally decided something had to change.

                       

It is still not easy for me. But the thought that wins out very time is Jesus is worth more than sleep. I repeat it over and over again. Jesus is worth more than sleep. 

I have experienced growth in the area of contentment by leaps and bounds just by spending that time with God in the morning. This has seriously been life-changing for me. Mornings started with coffee and Jesus being such peace. 

I can't say I'll feel as content next week as I do today but the good news is that in those times of discontentment I know where to turn. God will give me contentment for each moment. 

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At the beginning of the challenge, I searched through all of the like 500 blog links on the inspiration/faith tab alone and just allowed God to lead me blogs that He wanted to use in my life over the past month. These are the blogs that I have been following throughout this 31 days challenge and would highly recommend for you to check them out.
Christin at Christin Mae Writes
Aliza at AlizaLatta
Kerrie Williams at Life on a Mission
Amanda at Amanda Harris
These women have encouraged me beyond words, and God has taught me so much through their words. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Battle of the Scale

It sits there. Just mocking me. Don't you want to step on me today? Don't you want to put a number to your failure? Don't you want to see how much weight you haven't lost? Don't you want to ruin your entire day with one step?

It taunts me every morning as I get ready for work. It taunts me as I change into my workout clothes. You'll never work out enough to get the number you want. You'll never sweat, run, train enough to get that number lower. 

My first experience with discontentment over that number was at an extremely young age. Maybe 3rd or 4th grade. I am pretty sure I overheard one of my boy classmates tell someone his weight. My immediate reaction was shock. then shame. then embarrassment. then fear.

Discontentment continued into my junior high years when we started having basketball during the day which required locker rooms with lots of girls with exceptionally lower numbers on that scale.

It continued into high school when I automatically knew that number was exponentially higher than all the other girls in my class.

When I was in 10th grade, I had had enough and gave it over to the Lord. The number dropped lower than I had ever seen. The number went up in eleventh grade and back down my senior year. It went significantly up when I went to college. A few rollercoaster dips up and down between there and grad school when I finally got to my lowest number. maybe ever. Then as if I had lost all control all over again, the number went back up.

I hate the scale. I border between treading carefully to not obsess over the number and losing sight of the goal if I don't ever look at the number.

Regardless of all I just typed above, the number does not define me. If you want to define me with words, define me with Jesus. He's the only label I want on me. I know the number matters in order for me to be healthy and have my body in the shape it needs to be in to best serve God, but there has to be boundaries to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and not the number.

My commitment is to treating my body as a temple. Eating healthy. Working out. Trusting God to take care of the number. This is the only way I will be content with the number. When God is put in charge of it. It feels good to let go of that. I was never meant to cling to a number. This does not define me. Jesus does.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Do Something

Do something you're passionate about. Do something God has called you to. Do something that brings you joy. Do something. And do it now.

The fail-proof {okay not really but super close} way to experience contentment. Do something. Be obedient to what God calls you to do.

I love GAs {in the Southern Baptist world, that stands for Girls in Action}. I grew up in GAs. I was first taught about missions in GAs. I learned what it truly means to be a missionary in GAs. I then went to college and helped teach GAs for four and a half years and worked {what once was} GA camp for two summers as a cabin leader. God has used GAs to shape my life in unfathomable ways.

God has given me an undeniable passion for young girls in the church. Being a GA teacher means being one of the first people to teach these girls what missions really looks like. that missions starts at home. that they are missionaries even at eight years old. that there are people around the world who have never heard of Jesus and others who have never owned a Bible. It makes me giddy just typing that out.

Not only do I love making missions come alive for these girls but I also love just getting to watch God work in their lives. Such a blessing.

When I moved down here to NOLA, I knew God wanted me to find a church where I could continue serving in this capacity. It was mandatory. I didn't know how long it would take me to find the church God wanted for me. It was the first church I visited on a Sunday morning and lo and behold, they have GAs.

As I helped in the GA class tonight, I experienced the most intense and overwhelming sense of contentment. When I am serving in the exact way that God created/shaped me to do, I am beyond words content with life. It is the best feeling. At the end, I got to sit down with three women of God who are each in totally different stages of life. I was utterly and completely content with the exact spot God had me tonight. It was incredible to sit down. the four of us women. all explicitly different stages/roles of life. but all connected with a deep love for God and passion for teaching girls about missions.

God is faithful. Pray for contentment. He won't change your circumstances. He will change your heart.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

#GIRLPROBLEMS

Have you seen the Garnier Fructis commercial on TV where the guys read out tweets/posts about some trying situation ending with #girlproblems. It's hilarious. Please watch it.

So much truth in that short three minute video. I laugh every time I watch it.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse with this one, but I'm still stuck on this oil change/mechanic complex thing from the weekend. It really got me to thinking about how hard it can be to be girl and how ill-equipped I sometimes feel as a girl.

Okay. okay. So I don't know anything about cars. or oil. or when I should actually get my air cabin filter changed. or how to change the battery in my car clicker. or anything else car-related for that matter.

I've had multiple negative experiences at dealerships and really anywhere mostly employed by men just because I was a girl there by myself. It never fails that I will end up calling my dad to run it all by him. It's like when men start talking about these things, my brain turns to mush. My brain cannot process a single word they are saying. #girlproblems

I'm a girl. I can't change that. God made me a girl. But it is hard to be a girl.

I've just never fit the mold of your average girl. There have definitely been moments of discontentment in some of my {lack of girl} qualities.

I'm an initiator. I'm a fixer. I'm very independent. forward. opinionated. and many other things that don't exactly qualify me as that Proverbs 31 woman.

I love taking the lead. It is easy for me. It is not easy for me to even think about the idea of submission.

These are not considered to be super qualities for a girl to possess. Oh and there is the visually obvious part of being ridiculously tall. Also not a feminine quality.

I could get caught up in discontentment over things I'm not. But I refuse. God must have some crazy plan for me the way that I am. I personally cannot wait to see what that is. And I sure hope this blog is still around when that happens for me to document it.

I can choose to dwell on the what ifs, the should haves, the wonder whats but instead I choose contentment. I choose Jesus.

Side note: I think I could have just posted one sentence every day for 31 days: I choose Jesus. But that might have gotten a little boring/redundant, so might as well throw in a little vulnerability and transparency while I'm at it.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

If You're Single & You Know It

you're probably not gonna clap your hands. I know my singleness doesn't typically never make(s) me want to clap much less be happy.

But. You had to know there was a but coming. In this write 31 days challenge, my end goal was contentment in my singleness. I haven't talked about it as of yet only because God has taken this in directions I never planned. I got a little sidetracked along the way with all the other areas of discontentment that God revealed to me. How delightful for me. What I've learned is that all these areas spill over into each other. When I choose joy and contentment in one area, it automatically overflows into the next area. No matter how many areas of discontentment I find, the answer never changes. God was/still is/always will be the only means to the end {contentment}.

The other night I was watching a wedding video {you know just to torture myself. however if you are in the wedding planning phase of life, please look into my sweet friend's company, Sami Sue Studios. you won't regret it. She is amazingly talented.} and sat there at the end of it with very mixed emotions {possibly fighting off tears}. I so wish/long/desire for that to be the phase of life that God has planned for me right now. I get emotional because it's beautiful. the love. the happiness. the joy. the commitment. the symbolism. the covenant. the picture of the Gospel. I love watching/celebrating/enjoying weddings for these reasons. But I also get emotional because there are so many things in my life that I think are within my control {italics note sarcasm} yet this is not one of them. Never has been and never will be. It makes my {stereotypical girl brain} so crazy with imaginary scenarios and elaborate fantasies of what my fictional wedding would look like. Back to reality. It's not real.

I really do have conflicted feelings about this. I am thankful for my singleness {I know you probably don't believe me}, but I truly am. Every time I drive cross state at the drop of a hat. or go for a run at the park with no accountability. eat a smart one for dinner. plan a trip out of the country for three weeks. sit at home in my comfy pjs watching endless hours of netflix. On the other hand, the battery on my car clicker thing is low and I don't know what to do to fix it. my car needed the oil changed and men are not nice to single females entering men's territory. going to weddings by myself.

The only way to find contentment in my singleness is to find my contentment in Jesus. Here I am. 25. single. so what.

I am abundantly thankful for the life that I've been given. for the source of contentment that I have found in Jesus.

Abba Father, my Prince of Peace, Lover of my Soul, singleness isn't/wasn't my choice, but singleness is worth it with You. I couldn't/can't do this alone. I need you to fill every desire/longing of my heart. Create in me a new heart that seeks contentment in You and You alone.  

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}