**DISCLAIMER: this may be my most personal post to date, so consider yourself warned.**
This is definitely my second favorite time of the year. Christmas is my most favorite time by far, but my love of the month of March, Spring Break, and Easter is a strong second. Not only does this season signify the end of another semester, but this year brings the end of my first year of grad school. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Can you tell I'm excited about this? To top it all off, March brings me Spring Break and my birthday. I can't say that I've always loved having my birthday over a holiday where I couldn't ever see any friends, but it definitely never subdued my love of birthday time. I have always loved birthdays. Everybody's birthday really. I like to make people feel special on their birthday. It's that one day a year that we get to celebrate our friends and families (or ourselves). My birthdays have never been spectacular by any means, but I've had some pretty good ones. Some at the top of the list are last year's zoo extravaganza with two of my best friends, my all day shopping trip with my dearest mother, my 16th spent partially on a cruise, and sleepovers as a kid. Well, this year is the big 2-3. Wow. It seems surreal.
Let's just say my life hasn't gone exactly the way I thought it would when I was younger. I had it all planned out. That (southern) princess story. I've always been ambitious and knew I would end up in grad school, but I'd be lying if I said I thought I would still be single. My plan was to possibly be married by now, but if not married, at least know who I was gonna marry. I mean goodness I definitely didn't foresee myself as a 23 year old who has never had a boyfriend or been kissed. Yep, I said it, and I only wish I was making this up for a good story. But I'm not. Is this getting a little too personal for a blog published on the Internet? Probably so. Is this what God wants me to share? Unfortunately, yes. I'm figuring I'm gonna get two trains of thoughts on this one, and don't feel bad either way you go (because I've gone down both roads as fully as possible). So number 1: there is something wrong with this girl. And if this is what you are thinking, then you are probably somewhat right. I'm gonna refrain from listing all of my flaws and just say that I've considered this many times. And number 2: how great that this girl is saving her heart and herself for the man she will marry. But before you go and put me on that pedestal and I fall off and break my arm, leg, or neck, let me clarify that this fate has not been totally by choice and given the opportunity, I can't say I would have turned down a relationship or kiss for that matter. (that sounds completely strange, but oh well) I also realize that to some people that this isn't personal, because relationships and kissing is like the center of our society. But let's be real, how many 23 year olds do you know in my position? That's what I thought. Not many. I realize now that there might be a few of you loyal readers who've been with me since the beginning, and you might be thinking one more thing. So number 3: God is sparing this girl from experiencing something that is not in His plan for her. I actually prefer this one out of all of the possible responses to my life, because I'd like to think that God (knowing that His will for my life is to stay single) hasn't allowed these things so as to protect me. You can't miss something you've never had or experienced. It definitely could lessen the pain of never having a relationship or getting married. Who knows? I am so thankful that God knows, and I don't have to worry about it if I will just let go.
I can tell you one thing, I'm not gonna sit around wasting my life moping about my circumstances, because in all honesty, it's the world that sees this as a problem, not God. And since it just so happens that I value God's opinion only, I'm gonna live my life to the fullest with no expectations for what tomorrow will bring. Unfortunately, I haven't always had this mentality. The first few years of college were not my best. I spent those birthdays throwing pity parties over my singleness and thinking my life would never be complete without a boyfriend or husband. Not anymore. Every birthday from here on out, I plan to enjoy every moment with friends and families. On top of that, I plan to mark one thing off my bucket list every year ... Whether that be skydiving, running a 5K, taking a hot air balloon ride, or just dancing in the rain.
Thank you, God, for another birthday.
"Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say: It is well with my soul."
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
365 days of love
Once again, it's the day of love. VALENTINE'S DAY. There are two general feelings toward this day. People either LOVE it or HATE it. There's usually no in between. I mean let's be real, Wal-Mart looks like Valentine's Day threw up in there, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't hate it. I actually looked around the other night and thought about how blessed and loved I am. It was a pretty great feeling.
On Sunday, as I was driving back to Columbus, it was the most entertaining drive ever. I first saw a heart happy valentine's balloon in the back of a car, and as I went to pass it, there were a couple of guys probably driving back to school or elsewhere. I was just picturing the face of the girl receiving that balloon (and possible stuffed animal in the lap of the passenger guy), and I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe I'm the only one who finds flowers, balloons, chocolates, and stuffed animals overrated, but I guess since the day is so special to celebrate LOVE, I would hope that guys AND girls would find that special way to express how much they care and how much they love each other. It can even be free as long as it's from the heart. The next vehicle I passed (which let me clarify that I don't usually creep at other cars, but just couldn't resist today) was a guy driving and a girl who was so close to him that she was fairly close to being in his lap. Well, yep ... of course she caught me staring (awkward) and seemed to return a little to her seat. I just couldn't help but laugh out loud for really no reason at all except that I got caught staring at that awkward moment.
Valentine's day is about showing people how much you love them ... family, friends, significant others. It doesn't matter who it is as long as you tell them you love them. Some say that Valentine's is stupid, because you should do this everyday, and on some level, I agree. Today holds a lot of emotions, hopes, fears, and doubts, and no matter what anyone says, they all want to just have someone take the time to tell them that they are loved. How simple is that? We take for granted that God created us to be relational and to crave love and acceptance. The best part is that he offers us that love and acceptance we so crave.
When we were younger, Valentine's Day was about buying little cards for our friends and getting candy from our parents. At some point in like 5th or 6th grade that changed. This day became more about the pressure put on us by the world instead of appreciating a day where we can just express our love for others. The pressure to find that special someone to share this day with can be crazy overwhelming, but until you find love within yourself and those around you, you'll never be able to fully love someone else. I'm so thankful that I have a God who loves me just the way I am, and he longs for me to turn away from my prince patrol and find myself complete in Him. As I was driving back, this song came on the radio, and my prayer for every girl is that she will find her beauty from within her heart. Our worth and our beauty are not judged upon our earthly relationships but our heavenly ONE.
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
What a wonderful day today is along with every other day. I choose to love today. Love who, you may ask? Everyone. even those who make it hard to love. I choose love. not hate, because if God is love, that's what I want to be too. I see today as an opportunity to show love to those who maybe aren't expecting it or feel like no one in the world cares. I feel the love of God surrounding me today as I wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How will you spend this day? Will you choose love?
Learning to LOVE,
Jenna
On Sunday, as I was driving back to Columbus, it was the most entertaining drive ever. I first saw a heart happy valentine's balloon in the back of a car, and as I went to pass it, there were a couple of guys probably driving back to school or elsewhere. I was just picturing the face of the girl receiving that balloon (and possible stuffed animal in the lap of the passenger guy), and I couldn't help but laugh. Maybe I'm the only one who finds flowers, balloons, chocolates, and stuffed animals overrated, but I guess since the day is so special to celebrate LOVE, I would hope that guys AND girls would find that special way to express how much they care and how much they love each other. It can even be free as long as it's from the heart. The next vehicle I passed (which let me clarify that I don't usually creep at other cars, but just couldn't resist today) was a guy driving and a girl who was so close to him that she was fairly close to being in his lap. Well, yep ... of course she caught me staring (awkward) and seemed to return a little to her seat. I just couldn't help but laugh out loud for really no reason at all except that I got caught staring at that awkward moment.
Valentine's day is about showing people how much you love them ... family, friends, significant others. It doesn't matter who it is as long as you tell them you love them. Some say that Valentine's is stupid, because you should do this everyday, and on some level, I agree. Today holds a lot of emotions, hopes, fears, and doubts, and no matter what anyone says, they all want to just have someone take the time to tell them that they are loved. How simple is that? We take for granted that God created us to be relational and to crave love and acceptance. The best part is that he offers us that love and acceptance we so crave.
When we were younger, Valentine's Day was about buying little cards for our friends and getting candy from our parents. At some point in like 5th or 6th grade that changed. This day became more about the pressure put on us by the world instead of appreciating a day where we can just express our love for others. The pressure to find that special someone to share this day with can be crazy overwhelming, but until you find love within yourself and those around you, you'll never be able to fully love someone else. I'm so thankful that I have a God who loves me just the way I am, and he longs for me to turn away from my prince patrol and find myself complete in Him. As I was driving back, this song came on the radio, and my prayer for every girl is that she will find her beauty from within her heart. Our worth and our beauty are not judged upon our earthly relationships but our heavenly ONE.
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
What a wonderful day today is along with every other day. I choose to love today. Love who, you may ask? Everyone. even those who make it hard to love. I choose love. not hate, because if God is love, that's what I want to be too. I see today as an opportunity to show love to those who maybe aren't expecting it or feel like no one in the world cares. I feel the love of God surrounding me today as I wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
How will you spend this day? Will you choose love?
Learning to LOVE,
Jenna
Monday, February 13, 2012
Lessons Learned
Well, I'm not complaining, but God talked my ears off yesterday. Fortunately, He had something to say to my wonderful, lovely mother as well.
Lesson #1
We sang the song, Everlasting God," and all I heard was
STRENGTH WILL RISE AS I WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD
All I could think to say in response to this was "okay, God, I got it." I am terrible at waiting. I hate it almost as much as I hated vegetables when I was little. The message was so clear, and although I hate waiting, I do love waiting on God's perfect ways.
Lesson #2
Bro. Wayne never fails to do one of the following: convict me, confirm God's plans, or connect the dots. (not to mention teach me how to make three points all starting with the same letter). Anyway, the sermon today was about moving from our desperation to God's destination. God's path is not always logical. Hmmm ... this seems to be the story of my life. Of course, we always want the easy road, but let's face it, the Christian life isn't easy nor is it advertised to be.
Lesson #3
The sermon today just so happened to provide me with multiple lessons, so bear with me as I break it down. His plans are not always known in advance. Well, duh. I know that's what you are thinking, but this just really rung true to me today. We are to look for our faith instead of fear. I am so guilty of being so hard on the Israelites and judging them for their lack of faith. I'm hypocritical enough to think that the Israelites were stupid enough to mess things up after they had seen God come through so many times (a.k.a. parting the Red Sea, providing water and food). You would think that after they needed water the first time and SHOCKER God provided that when the second time came around in need of water, they would at least trust that God would provide the SECOND time. It is so easy for me to think how ridiculous they sound not believing that God could do something that He has done before, and SMACK. There it is. I'm so CRAZY. I'm sure God is thinking how I should really open my eyes to my own life.
Lesson #4
God's master plan for my life does not need my help ... only my obedience. I've put my yes on the table. I'm willing to go wherever He leads me. My entire life is set before me, and I am willing to follow Him to the end of the earth.
Isaiah 14:13-14 "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today ... The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent
This last week was strangely exceptional with a huge surprising twist. On Wednesday night, my good friend, Kayla Carter, text me to tell me she was going back to our frozen city in East Asia, and something in my heart just exploded. I couldn't stand it any longer, and I knew what I had to do. I have to go back. I just have to, BUT of course, the first thing that came to mind was 4 distinct problems. 1)what if my supervisors have too many other coming,etc. 2)who will I travel over with? 3)who will I travel back with? 4)how will I pay for it? Needless to say, I was skeptical that God really wanted me to go with those 4 problems piled into a gigantic mountain in my way. Within five minutes of talking to Kayla, I received an email from a non-believer friend over in EA asking me when I was coming back and how much they miss me. Talk about a dagger to the heart. It was in that moment I knew I had to do anything I could to get back. Within another 24 hours, my awesome, amazing, ridiculously crazy wonderful God had given me answers to problems #1, #2, and #3. and I mean WOW. My mouth was pretty much dragging on the floor. And mother, if you read this, I'm sorry to say that you were obstacle #5 which I didn't really think about until I had fully decided this is what I was going to do. BTW, thanks for kind of giving me your blessing, and THANK YOU, GOD, for convicting her for doubting that you can provide the money for me to go. Yep, that's right... that leaves me with only problem #4, and I'm not even gonna lie ... it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about how I am going to come up with all of that money, but I refuse to be an Israelite and doubt God. My heart is seriously on the verge of exploding due to my ridiculous JOY over going back. I know that God is going to do A-MAZING things.
Learning to love,
Jenna
P.S. ONE DAY UNTIL VALENTINE'S DAY! AND YES, I AM STILL PUMPED ABOUT THIS! AHHHH!
Lesson #1
We sang the song, Everlasting God," and all I heard was
STRENGTH WILL RISE AS I WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD
I WILL WAIT UPON THE LORD
All I could think to say in response to this was "okay, God, I got it." I am terrible at waiting. I hate it almost as much as I hated vegetables when I was little. The message was so clear, and although I hate waiting, I do love waiting on God's perfect ways.
Lesson #2
Bro. Wayne never fails to do one of the following: convict me, confirm God's plans, or connect the dots. (not to mention teach me how to make three points all starting with the same letter). Anyway, the sermon today was about moving from our desperation to God's destination. God's path is not always logical. Hmmm ... this seems to be the story of my life. Of course, we always want the easy road, but let's face it, the Christian life isn't easy nor is it advertised to be.
Lesson #3
The sermon today just so happened to provide me with multiple lessons, so bear with me as I break it down. His plans are not always known in advance. Well, duh. I know that's what you are thinking, but this just really rung true to me today. We are to look for our faith instead of fear. I am so guilty of being so hard on the Israelites and judging them for their lack of faith. I'm hypocritical enough to think that the Israelites were stupid enough to mess things up after they had seen God come through so many times (a.k.a. parting the Red Sea, providing water and food). You would think that after they needed water the first time and SHOCKER God provided that when the second time came around in need of water, they would at least trust that God would provide the SECOND time. It is so easy for me to think how ridiculous they sound not believing that God could do something that He has done before, and SMACK. There it is. I'm so CRAZY. I'm sure God is thinking how I should really open my eyes to my own life.
Lesson #4
God's master plan for my life does not need my help ... only my obedience. I've put my yes on the table. I'm willing to go wherever He leads me. My entire life is set before me, and I am willing to follow Him to the end of the earth.
Isaiah 14:13-14 "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today ... The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent
This last week was strangely exceptional with a huge surprising twist. On Wednesday night, my good friend, Kayla Carter, text me to tell me she was going back to our frozen city in East Asia, and something in my heart just exploded. I couldn't stand it any longer, and I knew what I had to do. I have to go back. I just have to, BUT of course, the first thing that came to mind was 4 distinct problems. 1)what if my supervisors have too many other coming,etc. 2)who will I travel over with? 3)who will I travel back with? 4)how will I pay for it? Needless to say, I was skeptical that God really wanted me to go with those 4 problems piled into a gigantic mountain in my way. Within five minutes of talking to Kayla, I received an email from a non-believer friend over in EA asking me when I was coming back and how much they miss me. Talk about a dagger to the heart. It was in that moment I knew I had to do anything I could to get back. Within another 24 hours, my awesome, amazing, ridiculously crazy wonderful God had given me answers to problems #1, #2, and #3. and I mean WOW. My mouth was pretty much dragging on the floor. And mother, if you read this, I'm sorry to say that you were obstacle #5 which I didn't really think about until I had fully decided this is what I was going to do. BTW, thanks for kind of giving me your blessing, and THANK YOU, GOD, for convicting her for doubting that you can provide the money for me to go. Yep, that's right... that leaves me with only problem #4, and I'm not even gonna lie ... it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about how I am going to come up with all of that money, but I refuse to be an Israelite and doubt God. My heart is seriously on the verge of exploding due to my ridiculous JOY over going back. I know that God is going to do A-MAZING things.
Learning to love,
Jenna
P.S. ONE DAY UNTIL VALENTINE'S DAY! AND YES, I AM STILL PUMPED ABOUT THIS! AHHHH!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Search is Over Part 2
Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.
Like I mentioned before, Naomi knew that although Boaz was willing to step in as Ruth's kinsman redeemer, there was the possibility of another man who was an even closer kinsman redeemer. Naomi wanted to protect Ruth from allowing her "heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."
Ditches of discontentment are where I have lived for far too long desperately clutching my supposedly innocent defrauding ways. It is so easy to be defrauded by guys, friends, and especially oneself if we are not alert to the ways this happens. Herein lies probably one of my greatest struggles, and one in which I will probably always battle. "Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their life."
When I first read about "defrauding," I immediately thought that I don't really know what it is, but that doesn't happen to me. Oh how I didn't realize how wrong I was. I have spent the majority of my life defrauding myself and never recognizing it for what it is. Bear with me as I give a little history. Once upon a time, there was this girl who befriended this boy. She basically committed herself to being whatever he needed ... a friend, a chauffeur, a mother-figure, a girl. She dropped everything for him, drove him everywhere, and gave him everything she had. Unfortunately for her, the boy only ever saw her as a friend. The girl has found the one-way ticket to the friend/mother zone where she lived. This however did not stop her from dreaming of the day that the boy would realize that she was the one he wanted to be with, that she was the one he cared for. The girl's lack of control over her imagination and "prenuptial fantasies" led her straight into deception and ultimately ruined the entire friendship. The boy and girl never recovered the friendship and are no more than strangers today.
Again, very sorry for the long quote, but it seriously just smacked me right in the face. I can't even tell you how often I catch myself in these absurd daydreams which are ultimately defrauding my heart and my mind. There are far, far too many examples of how self-defrauding has wreaked havoc in my life and my heart for me to even begin sharing about them, but the important thing for me is to hand this over to God and be aware of situations that could cause me to fall into these ditches of discontentment.
It's no mystery that I am a very prideful person. If I am carrying something heavy and someone offers to take it for me or help, I will respectfully decline even if I need the help. I'm usually too prideful to admit that I need help, that I'm scared, that I'm hurting, or that I might just possibly fail at something. My pride is the #1 thing that keeps me from being as forward with my faith as I should be or stopping on the side of the road to offer someone a ride or even just doing something that God is telling me to do that is completely unexpected and not normal. Cue my pride. It has always been one of my greatest problems to overcome my stubborn pride, and once again, my pride has reared its ugly head. The basis of my discontentment falls on my ridiculous pride. My pride tells me that I deserve this. I deserve to have a husband, a family, a house, a career, and with this pride comes the idea that God must have messed up somewhere ... that He must have fallen asleep and forgotten to give me exactly what I deserve. I'm sure God would just love to give me a nice swift kick in the butt sometimes, and I can't say that I would blame Him. I have this prideful assumption that I am getting jipped out of the life that I deserve which leads to little ME arguing with big GOD about what is best. Who do I think I am? Seriously, I am basically discounting so many promises God has made me ... that He loves me, He has plans for me, He will carry me, He will protect me, He alone brings contentment.
"Exchange your pride for Jesus' strength so you may accept whatever assignment [God] has for you from this moment forward."
"My soul finds rest in God alone ..." (Psalm 62:1)
Learning to love,
Jenna
Like I mentioned before, Naomi knew that although Boaz was willing to step in as Ruth's kinsman redeemer, there was the possibility of another man who was an even closer kinsman redeemer. Naomi wanted to protect Ruth from allowing her "heart to race ahead into disappointment in case the circumstances did not go as assumed."
Ditches of discontentment are where I have lived for far too long desperately clutching my supposedly innocent defrauding ways. It is so easy to be defrauded by guys, friends, and especially oneself if we are not alert to the ways this happens. Herein lies probably one of my greatest struggles, and one in which I will probably always battle. "Some women are so emotionally scarred from falling into such a ditch that it literally takes them years to recover and rediscover the capacity to trust any male in their life."
When I first read about "defrauding," I immediately thought that I don't really know what it is, but that doesn't happen to me. Oh how I didn't realize how wrong I was. I have spent the majority of my life defrauding myself and never recognizing it for what it is. Bear with me as I give a little history. Once upon a time, there was this girl who befriended this boy. She basically committed herself to being whatever he needed ... a friend, a chauffeur, a mother-figure, a girl. She dropped everything for him, drove him everywhere, and gave him everything she had. Unfortunately for her, the boy only ever saw her as a friend. The girl has found the one-way ticket to the friend/mother zone where she lived. This however did not stop her from dreaming of the day that the boy would realize that she was the one he wanted to be with, that she was the one he cared for. The girl's lack of control over her imagination and "prenuptial fantasies" led her straight into deception and ultimately ruined the entire friendship. The boy and girl never recovered the friendship and are no more than strangers today.
An important method of limiting your own self-defrauding is through daily discipline over "prenuptial fantasies." Such fantasies may provide you an escape from monotonous reality, but these moments are dangerous. They will aggravate your struggle for contentment because they are not innocent daydreams, but an attack on your godly contentment. You may be so used to daily fantasies that you might not even realize when you begin daydreaming again about your prince. Often a single woman's struggle with contentment can be traced back to her fantasies more than to her frustrating circumstances. Just think for a moment about three words from Second Corinthians 10:5: "Casting down imaginations." Fantasizing about a future with a guy you have been watching in Sunday school or at word is nothing more than your very active imagination. What should you do when you start daydreaming about a guy you've never dated or even formally met? You must take your thoughts to Jesus and leave them in His capable hands. This daily discipline of taking your fantasies to Jesus is the foundation for your future as a contented woman, whether you are married or single. Right now they are just prenuptial fantasies, but when you are married, those fantasies about other men could continue. Lack of discipline in the area of "casting down imaginations" may result in self-defrauding and needless discontentment.
Again, very sorry for the long quote, but it seriously just smacked me right in the face. I can't even tell you how often I catch myself in these absurd daydreams which are ultimately defrauding my heart and my mind. There are far, far too many examples of how self-defrauding has wreaked havoc in my life and my heart for me to even begin sharing about them, but the important thing for me is to hand this over to God and be aware of situations that could cause me to fall into these ditches of discontentment.
It's no mystery that I am a very prideful person. If I am carrying something heavy and someone offers to take it for me or help, I will respectfully decline even if I need the help. I'm usually too prideful to admit that I need help, that I'm scared, that I'm hurting, or that I might just possibly fail at something. My pride is the #1 thing that keeps me from being as forward with my faith as I should be or stopping on the side of the road to offer someone a ride or even just doing something that God is telling me to do that is completely unexpected and not normal. Cue my pride. It has always been one of my greatest problems to overcome my stubborn pride, and once again, my pride has reared its ugly head. The basis of my discontentment falls on my ridiculous pride. My pride tells me that I deserve this. I deserve to have a husband, a family, a house, a career, and with this pride comes the idea that God must have messed up somewhere ... that He must have fallen asleep and forgotten to give me exactly what I deserve. I'm sure God would just love to give me a nice swift kick in the butt sometimes, and I can't say that I would blame Him. I have this prideful assumption that I am getting jipped out of the life that I deserve which leads to little ME arguing with big GOD about what is best. Who do I think I am? Seriously, I am basically discounting so many promises God has made me ... that He loves me, He has plans for me, He will carry me, He will protect me, He alone brings contentment.
"Exchange your pride for Jesus' strength so you may accept whatever assignment [God] has for you from this moment forward."
"My soul finds rest in God alone ..." (Psalm 62:1)
Learning to love,
Jenna
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Search is Over
"Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be CONTENT in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Phil. 4:11-13
It has been a year since I started this journey of discovering my identity in Christ as a single woman in a "couples" world, and as I've said before, God has completely turned my world upside down. And praise God for that. Boy, did I need Him to bring me down from my imaginary world back to earth. I'm not saying it has been fun or pleasant, but it has been enlightening and a growing experience. I have found such a deeper relationship with God, and I would not trade that for an earthly marriage any day. This whole journey began with my small group's decision to read Lady in Waiting and subsequently discuss a chapter each week. I could not wait to get this book in my hands. I to this day cannot believe that I didn't start reading it until I was 21, because I think every girl in America should be required to read this gem inspired by no one other than God. No, it's not the Bible, but I fully believe that God uses this book to open the eyes of girls and draw them closer to Himself. Now back to not being able to wait to get this book in my hands ... I clearly had no idea how God was going to tear down every wall in my heart to rubble and begin rebuilding my heart to seek and desire Him before an earthly relationship. That first week I got the book, I couldn't put it down. I read the whole book through in about two weeks (which was in the middle of crazy huge amount of tests, assignments, and misc last semester of undergrad activities). Unfortunately, I read it so fast, and due to conflicts and unforeseen cancellations, our small group wasn't able to make it through the entire book, so I never went back to reread these last few chapters. It was no mistake that I was meant to go back and read this exact chapter at this exact time in my life. How stinkin' awesome is our God? I mean, come on. Sometimes I just don't have the words for how in awe of Him I am.
Lady of Contentment.
Sorry for the long quote, but there was just no way to paraphrase all the good stuff in there. The funny thing about all of this is that singles (not only including but especially me) assume the discontentment is found only in the state of singleness; however, this is so far from the truth, that is laughable. Married and single women suffer from discontentment alike. The mutual problem stems from our failure to find our contentment in God alone rather than men and earthly relationships. This chapter focuses in on one part of the story of Ruth and Boaz. If anyone had the right to be discontent, don't you think it would be Ruth? But instead of finding a discontented widow following her mother-in-law, you find a woman who is clinging to God in the worst of circumstances. Of course, we know the story well. Ruth goes to Boaz as her kinsman-redeemer, and he willingly offers to do anything he can for her due the rumors of her noble character. What's funny is that when Ruth goes back home to tell Naomi, Naomi doesn't start partying and planning the wedding. No, Naomi is careful to keep Ruth in check and remind her to stay grounded in her contentment in God.
Waiting ... "Such an assignment is not to cause suffering, but prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format."
Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.
To Be Continued ...
It has been a year since I started this journey of discovering my identity in Christ as a single woman in a "couples" world, and as I've said before, God has completely turned my world upside down. And praise God for that. Boy, did I need Him to bring me down from my imaginary world back to earth. I'm not saying it has been fun or pleasant, but it has been enlightening and a growing experience. I have found such a deeper relationship with God, and I would not trade that for an earthly marriage any day. This whole journey began with my small group's decision to read Lady in Waiting and subsequently discuss a chapter each week. I could not wait to get this book in my hands. I to this day cannot believe that I didn't start reading it until I was 21, because I think every girl in America should be required to read this gem inspired by no one other than God. No, it's not the Bible, but I fully believe that God uses this book to open the eyes of girls and draw them closer to Himself. Now back to not being able to wait to get this book in my hands ... I clearly had no idea how God was going to tear down every wall in my heart to rubble and begin rebuilding my heart to seek and desire Him before an earthly relationship. That first week I got the book, I couldn't put it down. I read the whole book through in about two weeks (which was in the middle of crazy huge amount of tests, assignments, and misc last semester of undergrad activities). Unfortunately, I read it so fast, and due to conflicts and unforeseen cancellations, our small group wasn't able to make it through the entire book, so I never went back to reread these last few chapters. It was no mistake that I was meant to go back and read this exact chapter at this exact time in my life. How stinkin' awesome is our God? I mean, come on. Sometimes I just don't have the words for how in awe of Him I am.
Lady of Contentment.
The mystery of contentment often seems to escape the understanding of the single woman. She assumes her circumstances justify her condition and give her permission to remain dissatisfied with her life assignment. Not having learned how to lay down the terrible burden of always wanting life to be on her terms, she continues to struggle with the torture of her desires. The restlessness caused by her desire for what she does not have makes waiting seem an impossible task. In fact, to the discontented woman, the word wait probably compares to a "cuss" word in her mind. A Lady in Waiting finds her capacity to wait for God's best to be rooted in contentment.
Sorry for the long quote, but there was just no way to paraphrase all the good stuff in there. The funny thing about all of this is that singles (not only including but especially me) assume the discontentment is found only in the state of singleness; however, this is so far from the truth, that is laughable. Married and single women suffer from discontentment alike. The mutual problem stems from our failure to find our contentment in God alone rather than men and earthly relationships. This chapter focuses in on one part of the story of Ruth and Boaz. If anyone had the right to be discontent, don't you think it would be Ruth? But instead of finding a discontented widow following her mother-in-law, you find a woman who is clinging to God in the worst of circumstances. Of course, we know the story well. Ruth goes to Boaz as her kinsman-redeemer, and he willingly offers to do anything he can for her due the rumors of her noble character. What's funny is that when Ruth goes back home to tell Naomi, Naomi doesn't start partying and planning the wedding. No, Naomi is careful to keep Ruth in check and remind her to stay grounded in her contentment in God.
Waiting ... "Such an assignment is not to cause suffering, but prevent it. Women experience so much needless pain when they run ahead of God's format."
Which leads to the Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not defraud thyself.
To Be Continued ...
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Rambling Update
Well, after my last rant about my complete failure in life to be around Christian guys and not wonder if this one or this one or this one could possibly be my Prince Charming, I figured it would be best to give a quick update. Surprisingly or maybe not surprisingly, I got a HUGE reality check on the first night of the conference. I think my biggest problem is that I ASSUME that if a guy is at something like Passion, he must be a Godly man who is as passionate about living for Christ as I am, BUT I found this to be untrue. As we were walking up to Georgia Dome, we were surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people, yet I picked up on a situation happening with some guys (note: I was probably the only person who people watches enough to even catch a moment like this). It was a sobering moment. It hit me straight in the face. Within minutes of being there, God had opened my eyes and reminded me that focusing on Him was the most important thing. After this short moment, I had no desire to jump to conclusions and go back to my assuming that every guy is a potential prince. PRAISE GOD!
God is good. God is amazing. God is awesome. God is great. God is wonderful. God is [insert any other possible adjective here]. I mean, seriously. I had no idea what was in store for me at this Passion conference. For so many years, I have wondered what Passion is all about, and I found out. It is ALL about GOD and how great He is. I learned so much, and God really convicted me of some things in my life. Let's just say to sum up my week at Passion ... WOW! That's it.
School has officially started, and despite my initial goals of getting a head start so as to prevent procrastination-induced stress, that's a negative. I've spent the whole weekend being largely unproductive; however, I have successfully planned a rockin' workshop for the Hearin High School Conference this next weekend. Let's just say I'm gonna give Curtis Zimmerman(the paid speaker) a run for his money with my Leadership world of Harry Potter and FREE butterbeer. I know I'm the coolest, right? haha.
On to my single adventures, I am ridiculously PUMPED for Valentine's Day ... Why, you ask? NOT because of some boy (although I would've settled for that too), but because that is the day that the live song video of How Great is Our God: World Edition will be dropping into my all-access account from Passion. I didn't mention this above, but that was probably the #1 highlight of Passion for me. I CAN'T WAIT! Not to mention that I am so blessed with the greatest love story of all. I don't know if you've heard of him or met him, but get this ... He sacrificed His life for me. He reminds me every day how much He loves me through little things like flowers, blue skies, and raindrops. He tells me how beautiful I am and that I was created in the image of God. He is a Prince whose father is the KING OF KINGS. He loves me at my worst and my best. He loves when I succeed and when I fail. He loves me when I cry and when I smile. His name is Jesus and guess what? the same goes for you. Go back and read all of those again, but every time you see you, me, or I, insert your name there, because we all have the same love story. What a wonderful thing.
Learning to love,
Jenna
God is good. God is amazing. God is awesome. God is great. God is wonderful. God is [insert any other possible adjective here]. I mean, seriously. I had no idea what was in store for me at this Passion conference. For so many years, I have wondered what Passion is all about, and I found out. It is ALL about GOD and how great He is. I learned so much, and God really convicted me of some things in my life. Let's just say to sum up my week at Passion ... WOW! That's it.
School has officially started, and despite my initial goals of getting a head start so as to prevent procrastination-induced stress, that's a negative. I've spent the whole weekend being largely unproductive; however, I have successfully planned a rockin' workshop for the Hearin High School Conference this next weekend. Let's just say I'm gonna give Curtis Zimmerman(the paid speaker) a run for his money with my Leadership world of Harry Potter and FREE butterbeer. I know I'm the coolest, right? haha.
On to my single adventures, I am ridiculously PUMPED for Valentine's Day ... Why, you ask? NOT because of some boy (although I would've settled for that too), but because that is the day that the live song video of How Great is Our God: World Edition will be dropping into my all-access account from Passion. I didn't mention this above, but that was probably the #1 highlight of Passion for me. I CAN'T WAIT! Not to mention that I am so blessed with the greatest love story of all. I don't know if you've heard of him or met him, but get this ... He sacrificed His life for me. He reminds me every day how much He loves me through little things like flowers, blue skies, and raindrops. He tells me how beautiful I am and that I was created in the image of God. He is a Prince whose father is the KING OF KINGS. He loves me at my worst and my best. He loves when I succeed and when I fail. He loves me when I cry and when I smile. His name is Jesus and guess what? the same goes for you. Go back and read all of those again, but every time you see you, me, or I, insert your name there, because we all have the same love story. What a wonderful thing.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wanted: Focus
Show me a single, Christian girl who can go to a Christian conference filled with solid, God-fearing men and not think about finding a man/husband, and I'll show you a saint whom I would love to meet and find out her secret.
As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.
Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.
God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.
Learning to love,
Jenna
As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.
Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.
God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas in a Cup
Note my use of the word "thought." I "thought" I had found Christmas in a cup until tonight when I truly did find Christmas in a cup of gingerbread hot chocolate, and NO, I don't mean the taste of it but the way I got it. Now picture this, you've got me, my mom, and my dad (the 3 musketeers as I like to call us) on Christmas Eve with nothing really to do but look at each other, so about a month ago I decided I wanted to go to IHOP on Christmas Eve after seeing a commercial on TV for their holiday pancakes (yes, I realize that I am admitting what a fatty I am, but the story is so worth it! haha!). There is absolutely nothing special about IHOP, and my parents were less than thrilled to say the least. You would think that I would have preferred some homecooked meal or fancy dinner, but all I wanted was some ridiculously unhealthy pancakes. Humorously, I ended up getting turkey bacon, eggbeaters, and pumpkin pancakes which were far more on the healthy side than almost everything else on the menu there. As we were leaving, I saw a picture of some Gingerbread hot chocolate, and like the 6 year old I am, I said, "mommy, please!" She kind of ignored me at first, but as she was paying, she asked me if I really wanted some ... and I was like, "YEAH!" (I know ... very mature). So I proceeded to ask the hostess girl for a gingerbread hot chocolate to go, and as I asked for it, our sweet little waiter said he would get it and not to charge us. My mom, dad, and I all stood there somewhat dumbfounded, and I more than likely needed to pick my jaw up off the floor. This kind, sweet boy handed me my hot chocolate and said, "Merry Christmas." It was all I could do to get a thank you out of my mouth.
It was in this cup of gingerbread hot chocolate that it felt I truly experienced the real meaning of Christmas in America. After spending 2 Christmases away from family where there are no expensive presents or fancy foods to distract you from celebrating the birth of Christ, it's hard to spend a Christmas in America where although everyone "claims" to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, I would venture to say that most don't. This boy couldn't have been older than 18, yet he did such a kind thing for a complete stranger. To someone else it may have been only a cup of hot chocolate, but to me it was a gift from God, a reminder that He is always with me, always holding me, always taking care of me, and always listening to my prayers. We are never alone, and I am so thankful that God reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas in a cup of hot chocolate.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Many Hearts Beating for One
This title may sound puzzling to any other mind than my own, but if you've ever read my blog before, you can't possibly be surprised by my typically puzzling ways. I am referring to my heart alone as many, and although I only have one heart beating inside my body, I seriously have at least 4 hearts which are fully developed and beating strong around the world for one God, my Savior, Healer, Defender, and Abba.
My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.
This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.
Learning to love,
Jenna
My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.
This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Monday, December 19, 2011
Perspective
Pity parties are my specialty. Really. I have perfected the art of throwing pity parties. Mine are always filled with excessive eating, endless tears, and a sole guest of ME. In the midst of my infamous pity parties, the world revolves around me and me alone ... the things I don't have, the things that I regret, the things that hurt me. In the midst of my dramatic and ridiculous pity parties, I actually convince myself that things could not get any worse and that my life is the worst it could be.
Cue the wake-up call from God...
Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.
I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.
Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.
WOW. Thank God for new perspective.
Learning to love,
Jenna
Cue the wake-up call from God...
Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.
I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.
Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.
WOW. Thank God for new perspective.
Learning to love,
Jenna
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