{if onlys}

If only I were a master's degree-holding speech pathologist.
If only I knew what I was doing with my life.
If only I were actually dating.
If only I were married.
If only I had a family and children.
If only I were in another country.
If only I knew what was gonna happen next.
If only ....

You fill in the blank. What are your if onlys?

Mine are so numerous that I've really lost count of them. All of my if onlys stem from my impatience for life to happen on my terms and waiting on God to reveal His plan for me in His time.

I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. I'm tired of letting my lack of something and my if onlys determine my happiness. If only I knew how to change it. Oh the if onlys. {they drive me mad} They have started to pile up here recently. If only. If only God would just take away my desire for marriage and family, the pain would go away. But then of course my if only would just change to the next thing on the list. If onlys are getting me nowhere. If only I could get the news that someone is getting married or having a baby without being insanely jealous or feeling like my life will end without the same fate. My if onlys have completely sabotaged my happiness and gratitude for what I DO have. 

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I'm holding onto to my dreams of marriage and a family so hard. The tighter I hold onto those dreams, the more I doubt the promises made to me in the Scripture. The more I doubt whether Jer. 29:11 is really true. The more I doubt whether God really hears me.

It's only a mirage though. It's a dream. a decption. It's NOT real. God has me in His hands. He is never letting go. His plans are best even when I don't understand. No matter how badly I want to be married, to have a family of my own, to live in another country, and to live out all of dreams, and no matter if I NEVER actually receive any of those blessings from God, He is still good and merciful and loving and wonderful. He is enough for me and will always be enough for me.

Almost every time I go running now, one specific song comes on my iPod. Enough. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I only believe in divine intervention.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love.
And all I have in you is more than enough."

"More than all I want. More than all I need.
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know. More than all I can see.
You are more than enough for me." 

If I really believe that He is enough for me, then I will let go of these if onlys.

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I know this blog post is all over the place. You should hear my thought process. If you did, you'd wonder how I can even compose a complete sentence that actually makes sense.

It's so {easy} to say not my will but yours be done, but it is much harder to make it a truth in my life. I don't like the girl that I am. The girl who thinks she needs marriage and children to complete her. The girl who constantly dreams about a wedding and babies and happily every after. I don't like this girl. at all. But I just can't seem to get rid of her. Don't you think I would have ditched her by now if I could? I'm having to hand her over to God and constantly pray for Him to create in her a new heart which yearns for Him alone.

I do want His will and not mine. Really. I do. It's just a process that takes longer than I would like and hurts pretty badly sometimes. But I have hope that God is going to continue working in my heart. He is going to get me through this time in my life and every one after this. He's always good like that.

Are you struggling with if onlys? Well, if you are, guess what? You aren't alone.

The good news: God has it all under control.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

So Far to Find You

If you haven't heard the song So Far to Find You by Casting Crowns, click right there below on that play button. Seriously. Go ahead. It's worth it. Promise.

The song tells a beautiful story of adoption. If you know me at all, you know that I am strongly and passionately {for} adoption, and I think that it is one of the most beautiful things in life. To see a child find a forever family who will love and cherish that child as their own. Adoption {especially international adoption} can be one of the longest, hardest, and most difficult processes there is. It actually baffles me how difficult the process is. After seeing the {many, many} faces of the precious children in orphanages in both China and Ukraine, my heart melted into a puddle of heartbreak and sadness. Some of these children {in both the U.S. and countries all around the world} never find a forever family on earth, because all any one sees are the obstacles. the money. the time. the documents. No excuse is good enough though.

Because when you really think about it, our obligation privilege to adopt should be only magnified by the adoption into the body of Christ that we have all experienced. Scripture tells us that we have been adopted into the family of God as co-heirs with Jesus Christ. brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Here in your eyes I see

Reflections of myself

How I'm the child that's really running

But I can hear a voice that's whispering my name

Saying come to me, don't run from me

I'm all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

When I look into the eyes of these precious children {who might I add are just as loved by God as the ones who are born into their forever families}, how can I not see a reflection of myself? 

In my heart, I'm thinking these words: How often do I feel like that lonely child who keeps running form the arms that are welcoming me with love? How often am I the child who struggles against my {Father's} call? How often am I the child who refuses His love and all that He has for me? How often am I the child who won't give up the fight?

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

 

Never.Give.Up.

 I have ALWAYS doubted myself, and before I have even done something, I automatically assume I am incapable of doing it. Weight loss, for instance. I have been a debbie downer over my weight for longer than I can remember. I have only ever been able to see the here and now ... not what I am actually capable of doing.

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In my defense, most people who have known me have always doubted me {aside from my family}. It didn't help that I doubted myself at every turn. I can't help but ask myself why I still doubt what I am capable of it. I could always feel people looking down on me because of my age. that I was too young. always too something. Just as much as everyone else might have looked down on me, I can't blame them. I was already looking down on myself instead of embracing the opportunities that God has set before me. And see how He has set me up for success not failure. He wants to use me as an example in my speech, in my life, in my love, in my faith, and in my purity. He wants to use me. shortcomings and all.

The following is a list of things that I have accomplished that I NEVER thought possible:
Leader
Valedictorian
Undergrad
Hearin Intern
Graduate School

And really ... that's only the big things. There were a million other little things that seemed out of my reach, but somehow God brought me through and used me for His glory.. I know He only does it to prove just how MIGHTY and ALL-POWERFUL He is. I give Him the glory for all of that above. {all of it}. He gets all the glory.

Well, back to my weight. Once again. all the glory to God for the small amount of weight I have lost so far. And to top it off, I have been somewhat training for a 5k {that I haven't even registered for yet}, and even when I started, I doubted if I could ever actually accomplish this so impossible out of reach task. Well, I am on week 6 out of 8 and to my surprise, the dumb app actually wants me to run more every day. What was I thinking? Anyway, I have been putting off this 20 minute run for the past week {somewhat due to the holiday and somewhat due to my fear}. I even went so far as to re-run the previous day as an avoidance behavior. Well, Friday I decided to face my fears and attempt the impossible. the dreaded 20 minute run. I got on the treadmill with knots the size of my fist in my stomach. I just knew I couldn't do it. no way. not possible. I had already failed in my mind. {mind=biggest enemy} Despite my fear, I started to run, and lo and behold, 20 minutes later, I was the proud finisher of the 20 minutes run. Praise be to God. I was begging Him for mercy the entire time. There were still moments during those 20 minutes that I would start to panic with thoughts filled with can'ts, won'ts, and nots, and I had to immediately start pleading with God to carry me though. to give me the strength.

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I cannot even begin to express the feeling of accomplishment that I had at the end of that fateful run. PRAISE GOD. that is really all I can say. He deserves all the glory and more. I am filled with JOY. because He is working in me. He is using me. He is revealing Himself to me. little ole me. He fills me with joy. I am so much to be thankful for, and I refuse to doubt myself any longer. I can do anything that I set my mind to as long as God is on my side. He will never give up on me; therefore, I refuse to give up on anything. I will fight the good fight. I will press on toward the goal He has set before me. I will lead a life that is holy and pleasing to Him. I will do anything through Him who gives me strength. I will share His light. I will show His joy.

PRAISE GOD.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

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that's all.

learning to be the light, 

jenna

True Life:

I am a {second year} speech-language pathology graduate student. 

Today {August 15, 2012} marks the last first day of a school year for this girl. Can I hear a hallelujah? Seriously, this is epic. Okay, maybe not as epic as graduation day on May 11, 2013 {yep, that's the date. there is a countdown. you should mark your calendar.}, but nonetheless, this is quite an accomplishment considering the difficult path my classmates and I have walked to get here.

On the downside, I am realizing that the free time that I have so come to enjoy over the summer is long gone. I've only sat through one {2 hour and 45 minute} class, and I am already prepping my mind for a reduced zero social life policy. Now I'm back to homework-filled weekends and stress-induced meltdowns.
 {my apologies in advance to my poor parents who will receive the brunt of these inevitable meltdowns}

Just want to share two things that came from the {terrible, no good, horrible, very bad} past/first year of graduate school ...

Lesson learned:

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 Verse of choice for meditating when stressed:

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I just have to keep reminding myself of this: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this. 

269 days.

God is good all the time.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

Love Story in the Making

When I was younger, I occasionally toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. I love to read novels, and I love to write. Having that type of control over a story would be nearly intoxicating. This should come as no surprise {considering my ongoing power struggle}. On the other hand, I never really saw myself with the needed focus to be a real writer, so I think I'll stick to my blogging.

Why have I always been so enamored with writing? Well, upon completing the 5th book in my most favorite series ever {the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson} for the sixth or seventh time, it made sense. I love to have creative control. I have seriously read enough romance, Christian, fiction books to create a type of love story encyclopedia. now wouldn't that be interesting? but seriously, I so could. The worst part {or I guess you could say the best part} is that these precious, heart-melting love stories centralize around God. Two people strongly committed to Christ and devoted to making a relationship/marriage work with God as it's foundation. What makes it so bad is that is exactly what I want.

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I want to write my own story. I want creative control of my life. I want to take the best of the best and incorporate it into the most moving love story of all time that brings more glory to God than ever imagined. But you've already seen the flaw in my plan, haven't you? Me.Me.Me.Me.Me. That is what my world revolves around, so no wonder I have such a distorted view. My shortcomings make me sick to my stomach, because how could I ever want my earthly plans for a love story when the Bible says that God can give us more than we could ever ask or imagine. In reality, if God gave me the love story that I could write, it would probably be less than mediocre.

Now let me provide some clarification on this whole {love story} business. I don't necessarily mean love as in marriage. I only mean an intimate love that can be found through Jesus Christ. Marriage or no marriage, there is still very much a love story to be told, because my relationship with God should tell a love story each and every day. There is so much pressure to be in a {earthly} relationship, get engaged, get married, have 2.5 children, and live happily after. But if God didn't create me for anything else, I'm pretty sure He put me here to ROCK THE BOAT. 

Quick confession: All of this pressure on marriage has almost broken me. I cannot deny that. So much so that at one point I almost took off my true love waits ring out of sheer embarrassment over my singleness. My thoughts were this: How pathetic it must look for me to continue wearing a ring that was meant as a promise to stay pure until marriage if I never get married.

But then it hit me {in good ole' God hittin' me with a 2x4 fashion). This ring is more than a promise to stay pure until marriage. This ring is a covenant that I made with God at a very young age to stay pure for Him. There are two scenarios in which this covenant can play out:

1} Let's say by some miracle that I do get married. This ring still and will always represents a pledge of purity that I have taken to regard my body as God's temple and to remain pure until I am married to a man. 

2} But if singleness is God's plan for my life, OKAY. that's it. okay. My covenant to treat my body as His temple and stay pure in thought and action is still relevant. Outside of marriage, I am still called to live a life of purity.

I get a lot of questions about my ring. It surprises people, and honestly, most people don't know what they are anymore. This is mostly because true love waits rings have gotten a bad reputation for being misused and abused. They became more about being a {church-y} thing to do instead of a covenant with God to live and pure and holy lifestyle that is pleasing to Him. I don't wear this ring as a hopeful reminder that I must get married one day to fulfill my pledge of purity until marriage. When you really think about, purity doesn't stop once you're married. Hence the reason the majority of marriages inevitably end in divorce. The marriage commitment has been watered down, and individuals are not staying pure within their marriage. Whew. that is a topic for a whole 'nother post. Anyway.

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If it is God's will for me to be married, I am certain it will be the most epic {earthly} love story considering what I have been through in my single years and my complete lack of experience in the relationship department. No, seriously. If only I knew God's plans. Let's just say that there is more to the story, and it would probably be so comical that someone would want to make a TV show about it.

However, if I stay single, it will also remain the greatest love story of all.  A love story that began over 2,000 years ago when God became flesh, lived a perfect life on earth, and sacrificed his own life for mine. Who wouldn't want that love story? How many people can say their spouse gave up their life and saved them from eternal separation from Christ? No one? Really? Hmmm. I think that pretty much rates at the top of the list for love stories.

Learning to BE the Light,
Jenna

The Grass is Always Greener

... on the other side.

No, but seriously. We always look at the other side, and all we can see is the luscious, green grass that probably feels like carpet under your feet on the other side. Who doesn't do this? If you raised your hand, then Im gonna go ahead and just tell you that denial is not healthy.

Let's recap.

When I was elementary age, I wanted to be in 6th grade and go on the Washington D.C. trip. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be in junior high. When I was in junior high, I wanted to be in high school. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a senior. When I was a senior, I wanted to be in college. When I was in college, I wanted to be in grad school. When I started grad school, I just wanted to be done with my first year.

I have always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I have always thought that the next step was gonna be so much more fun, more liberating, more exciting, more rewarding, more everything. When I was in high school, I just wanted to be taking courses which were relevant to my course of study. When I finally got to those courses, I wanted to death sprint back to easy high school classes. My whole life I have dreamed of being this close to the rest of my life. Finishing school. Doing what God wants me to do.

{Here's the problem} Now I'm here standing of that supposed luscious, green carpet grass and I'm terrified. Of decisions. Of the unknown. Of the vast openness of the future. Of being a grown up.

Now I would much rather go back to what seemed like easier times where I didn't have to make life-changing decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. It'd be one thing if my decisions were between getting a tattoo or a job. Buying a snake or a house. Eating an eyeball or an apple. You see these are examples of easy decisions {for me, at least}. No, the decisions looming over me are whether to work at a school or a nursing home or a hospital. Whether to go overseas never or first or later or forever. One decision leads to another and another and another. And eventually, I can't see up from down or left from right. The decisions pile up, and I just can't handle it.

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Why did I think the grass would be greener on this side? Clearly, grass is only as green as you allow it to be. If onlys could eat me alive if I really thought about all the time I wasted wishing for the carpet grass on the other side instead of watering the grass I was standing on. The same goes for my view on singleness. The grass is always gonna be greener when I'm focusing on the other side instead my own side. There are gonna be {pros and cons} to every single stage of life, every patch of grass, every step on the road. We choose to only see the pros of that other patch of grass. In reality, both singleness and marriage, high school and college, schools and hospitals, are going to be equally amazing and difficult, easy and hard, wonderful and miserable. It's just the way we choose to look at.

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I'm gonna water the grass in my right here and right now. I'm gonna do this by listening to God, studying His Word, and talking to Him constantly. Although these decisions overwhelm me and put my stomach into knots with dinosaurs rolling around in there, I know I can trust God to lead me to the right path.

I don't usually do this, but I do ask for your prayers during this time in my life. The decisions are unending, and more than anything in this world, I want to bring glory to God and follow Him wherever He leads. I've asked for a burning bush, but no matter how many times I ask for one, God seems to stick to the {subtle} in my life. Oh well. It's always worth a try. 

Triple Threat Thursday

well, I began my Thursday morning with a good workout, some Jesus time, and a healthy breakfast. hence my triple threat.

Thank you, God, for another day to serve you.

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As some may know, I've gotten back up on the horse for having a healthy lifestyle, and I feel GREAT. I haven't lost any weight, but that's okay. I just spent time in God's word the other night reading what He has to say about the way I treat my body and the things I put into it. I was really caught off guard by a verse I have read many times. Let me paraphrase for lack of time: Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything
{1 Corinthians 6}.

I've been mastered by food and my weight for too long. God tells me that my body is His temple, and I should honor Him with my body. This part of my life has been anything BUT honoring to Him over the last few years. 

This changes now.

I'm tired of being terrified of living my entire life in this miserable state. I'm discouraged every time I try to succeed all on my own. God reminds me He is with me ... wherever I go. He is with me. I can be strong and courageous when I know He is by my side. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Savior. my Rock. my Prince of Peace. my First Love. He is my Everything. And it's about time I start treating Him that way.

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Long Time Coming

You should be warned that this blog post is about to open with a disclaimer, so run away quickly if this frightens you nearly as much as it does me.

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 As promised, my disclaimer is this: I typically avoid any and all touchy subjects, and I am more likely to run over my own foot with my car than make a public opinion on a controversial topic. I am definitely more inclined to share my opinion face-to-face {so as to ensure full understanding of my meaning}, but this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for a couple days now. ever since I read these verses:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another,  'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name. (Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I don't remember if I baptized anyone else.) For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." 1 Corinthians 1:10-17

Now, I know you might be thinking what on earth this has to do with the price of rice in China, but hear me out. I'm not gonna go into detail {because that could take years}, but let's just say that Calvinism and I have had a very rocky relationship. I watched my dear friend, John Calvin, rip a church apart at the seams, chew up the people, and spit them back out {great visual, right?}. From the time I first heard his name, it just never set well with me. Okay, let's hold up a second and go ahead and get something out of the way. This post is in no way going to delve into the theology and philosophical stylings of any man other than Jesus, so feel free to take a deep breath if you were getting ready to drill me with your opinion on the matter.

Here's my opinion:
John Calvin is a man; therefore, I will never {EVER} use his name as a label for myself. The only name I will proclaim and represent is that of Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for our sins in order to bring salvation to the world. Did John Calvin save anyone from the fiery pits of hell? I didn't think so. I understand people's desire to study theology and have a strong sense of what they believe in, BUT I am totally opposed to the creation of {what has probably become} the largest division in our faith. It is so unbelievably frustrating to me that people have allowed themselves to be placed in a category based on the names of two men who were born ordinary and died ordinary men. This is an age old problem. Even back in the good ole days, Paul was having to address the people about divisions among them. The people were labeling themselves as followers of Cephas or Apollos or Paul. Needless to say, Paul was disgusted {well, at least I would be}.

Let me ask you this: Is Christ divided? NO. Absolutely not. The Bible tells us over and over again that we are the body of Christ which has many parts but all works together in unison. We are to be united. As I watched my church fall to pieces and people leaving left and right, I became angry and bitter. I pretended for about a year that I was over it. That it didn't hurt me. That I didn't care. But it did hurt me. I did care. For quite a while when I was alone in Columbus, I stopped going to church altogether. Of course, I put on a good show. No one could tell the difference. No one here knew or cared if I went to church on Sunday morning. No matter how many different churches I went to, all I could see was that the very people who I had trusted and loved had turned their back on me. It doesn't matter to me if I was wrong or right, but what does matter is that the moment it created a division in the body of Christ, it was no longer of Christ.

Although I have finally moved away from that anger and bitterness that had overtaken my heart all those years ago, I have still been harboring unforgiveness in my heart for some of the people who hurt me the most. I'll never understand the decision they made to allow this to come between us, but I also know that it all got me to the place I am today. A very good place. A place where I can firmly and boldly proclaim these words: I am a follower of Jesus Christ not John Calvin or Jacobus Arminius. These names mean nothing to me, and although I fully intend to study every word of every verse of every chapter of every book of the Word of God until the day I die, I am only human just as you are. If we understood everything, we would be God. And SHOCKER: We aren't God. In v.17, our obligation and privilege is to preach the Gospel. NOT with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

In some ways, this post represents my release of this struggle and hurt. I have now been blessed with two church families where I have been refreshed and renewed by my time there. There will always be a special place in my heart for my church "home" all those years ago, and I know that God is continuing to do a good work there with those who remain. I hate to see God's children divided between two earthly men who held no power other than maybe the power of words. Throughout mine and Calvinism's rocky relationship, I have experienced a wide range of emotions {none of which were typically positive}, but ultimately, I am thankful for the fact that it has driven me deeper into the Word of God. The deeper I go, the more adamant I am to label myself as only one thing. a Jesus Follower.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh How He Loves

There are moments when I feel worthless. unattractive. overweight. unlovable. lonely. crazy. stupid. There are times when I feel like a loser. failure. Sometimes my train of thought just drifts to the most negative place possible. The place where you convince yourself that you aren't worthy of anyone's time. that you aren't worthy of anyone's love. that you aren't worthy of being happy. 

Who hasn't been there? {at some point or another} 

The problem comes when we allow Satan to make us believe all of these lies. because that's all they are. LIES. because even when we are in these dark places. God can find us right where we are. He loves us beyond words. David Crowder Band's song, "How He Loves," says it better than I can:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh how he loves

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

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Relationships and marriage surround me. Attempting to swallow me whole. Into an abyss of failure and loneliness. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. Yet I waste my time and energy stressing and worrying pointlessly. God doesn't want this for me. He wants so much more. He wants to rescue me from these lies and the large abyss that I've created around me. He wants to take me into His arms and never let me go. He wants to comfort me. He wants to love me unconditionally. He wants me. just as I am. He wants me. 

In fact, the truth is: He is JEALOUS for me. Did you hear that? Let me say it again for emphasis. He is JEALOUS for me. He is jealous for my time. my attention. my focus. my heart. my emotions. my thoughts. my everything.

When I waste time allowing the world to define what my life should look like, I choose to set God aside and focus on the things of this world. I put God on the shelf of my heart and inform Him that He isn't good enough and isn't satisfying me. Enough. No more. It's time to give up the fight. There is peace found in His arms.Everlasting peace. hope. love. He is offering me the intimate relationship I so crave. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy me.

Hearing these words reminds me that I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone. I am beautiful. I am His. He loves me just the way I am. And He is jealous for me. 

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna