Wanted: Focus

Show me a single, Christian girl who can go to a Christian conference filled with solid, God-fearing men and not think about finding a man/husband, and I'll show you a saint whom I would love to meet and find out her secret.

As you might've guessed, I'm heading to Passion tomorrow morning ... Well, kind of today considering the time. I am so excited, because I have been trying to go for the past 5 years since I heard one of my high school friends talking about her experience there our senior year. For some reason, God has very clearly closed that door every year since. I traveled to East Asia for Christmas two times, and when I finally had the time free, I just had this unsettling feeling about going. That year despite my clear schedule and desire to go, I didn't. My grandmother passed away the day everyone left for Passion that year. Every year God has closed the door, but finally, I get to attend this amazing conference.

Unfortunately, with this comes what I mentioned at the beginning of this post: the innate curse of man hunting. Satan knows my weaknesses and uses them to his full advantage by distracting me from listening to God. I mean at first you think, "well, it is harmless to be aware and open to meeting someone" and "well, you're looking in the right places." But sooner or later (which for me is always sooner) it will end up consuming me. Every guy I see becomes a potential relationship. This is probably making me sound a little crazy, but I'm in such desparate need for some blinders. Seriously, when I go to these things, I pray that God would give me blinders like those horses wear. Gosh. Where could I find a pair of those? Well, I'm pretty sure I would make a definite fashion statement with that, but I'm being so for real .. I would do ANYTHING to keep this curse from distracting me from what God has to say to me during this time. Songs like "Our God," "God of this City," "I'm Waiting Here for You," and many other powerful worship songs have come from these passion conferences, and I refuse to miss out on God moving in my life due to my weaknesses. I think one of my greatest problems is that I'm a people watcher. I can be in a very good conversation, and I'm still gonna be glancing around watching other people. It's in this habit, where I end up searching out that Mr. Right. What a tragedy.

God, please forgive me for my one track mind and my inability to focus on you and you alone. My heart longs and desires to seek you and and to be in your presence, so why do I sabotage this by allowing my eyes to wander. Give me the ability to block out all distractions. Reveal yourself to me.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Christmas in a Cup

About a month ago, I thought I had found Christmas in a cup when I tried Sonic's pumpkin pie milkshake. It was the yummiest thing I have ever tasted ... okay, well maybe that's a stretch, but nonetheless, it was wonderful. The best part was that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside as it made me think of the true meaning of Christmas, spending time with friends, and being surrounded by family.

Note my use of the word "thought." I "thought" I had found Christmas in a cup until tonight when I truly did find Christmas in a cup of gingerbread hot chocolate, and NO, I don't mean the taste of it but the way I got it. Now picture this, you've got me, my mom, and my dad (the 3 musketeers as I like to call us) on Christmas Eve with nothing really to do but look at each other, so about a month ago I decided I wanted to go to IHOP on Christmas Eve after seeing a commercial on TV for their holiday pancakes (yes, I realize that I am admitting what a fatty I am, but the story is so worth it! haha!). There is absolutely nothing special about IHOP, and my parents were less than thrilled to say the least. You would think that I would have preferred some homecooked meal or fancy dinner, but all I wanted was some ridiculously unhealthy pancakes. Humorously, I ended up getting turkey bacon, eggbeaters, and pumpkin pancakes which were far more on the healthy side than almost everything else on the menu there. As we were leaving, I saw a picture of some Gingerbread hot chocolate, and like the 6 year old I am, I said, "mommy, please!" She kind of ignored me at first, but as she was paying, she asked me if I really wanted some ... and I was like, "YEAH!" (I know ... very mature). So I proceeded to ask the hostess girl for a gingerbread hot chocolate to go, and as I asked for it, our sweet little waiter said he would get it and not to charge us. My mom, dad, and I all stood there somewhat dumbfounded, and I more than likely needed to pick my jaw up off the floor. This kind, sweet boy handed me my hot chocolate and said, "Merry Christmas." It was all I could do to get a thank you out of my mouth.

It was in this cup of gingerbread hot chocolate that it felt I truly experienced the real meaning of Christmas in America. After spending 2 Christmases away from family where there are no expensive presents or fancy foods to distract you from celebrating the birth of Christ, it's hard to spend a Christmas in America where although everyone "claims" to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas, I would venture to say that most don't. This boy couldn't have been older than 18, yet he did such a kind thing for a complete stranger. To someone else it may have been only a cup of hot chocolate, but to me it was a gift from God, a reminder that He is always with me, always holding me, always taking care of me, and always listening to my prayers. We are never alone, and I am so thankful that God reminded me of the true meaning of Christmas in a cup of hot chocolate.

Many Hearts Beating for One

This title may sound puzzling to any other mind than my own, but if you've ever read my blog before, you can't possibly be surprised by my typically puzzling ways. I am referring to my heart alone as many, and although I only have one heart beating inside my body, I seriously have at least 4 hearts which are fully developed and beating strong around the world for one God, my Savior, Healer, Defender, and Abba.

My first heart is pretty much a given found right here in the U.S. with my family and friends. My second heart is in Ukraine, and my third is in East Asia. And thanks to Ukraine, my fourth and final heart is located in Africa. I know I'm probably still not making any sense, but you see, my hearts beat so strongly that sometimes I can't breathe. Whenever I am joined with one heart, my other hearts ache to be in those places. After a trip to any one of these respective countries, that heart beats the strongest, but when I am away from home (my family and friends), my first heart strangely goes into overdrive. Sometimes it can be so frustrating to have so many hearts all around the world, but they all beat for ONE. I feel a sense of need to be in all of these places, so I can be the light of Christ to people in each of these places.

This Christmas has been especially hard knowing that my dear friend, Kayla, is in East Asia as we speak. She is back in the same city with all of our friends that we met this summer. The strangest thing about all of this is that no matter how hard it is to be either place and not the other, I always long for the other. Maybe that is me being discontent, but I like to just think of it as a whole lotta love that I just want to spread around the world. Any way I look at it, I just wish I could be many places at once. My family means the world to me, but I also know that I have been set apart for a special calling to travel to the furthest corners of this world to tell everyone about the love and salvation found in Jesus Christ. This all made sense in my brain before I typed it out, but I am now realizing that I probably sound a little crazy. Oh well. Call me crazy, call me a fool .... I'll be a crazy fool for Christ any day over everything that glitters in this world.

***SPOILER ALERT***
Haha! just kidding ... kind of. It just seemed like fun to start out my big news with that. It's not really that big for anyone but me, so I might just be a little excited about it. I started the journeyman application today. AHHH! It seems so crazy. It is a ridiculously long time before I can even think about making a decision about where to go or leaving the country, but I just felt God leading me to take this first step in obedience. The best part is that all of this is a reminder that I am single for a reason. If I weren't single during this stage of my life, it is likely that I wouldn't be so willing to drop my entire life in the states to live in a foreign country for two years. I see God working, and I know that there is a much bigger picture surrounding the small piece God is allowing me to see at this time. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God. I seriously cannot wait to see where God leads me in the coming years.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Perspective

Pity parties are my specialty. Really. I have perfected the art of throwing pity parties. Mine are always filled with excessive eating, endless tears, and a sole guest of ME. In the midst of my infamous pity parties, the world revolves around me and me alone ... the things I don't have, the things that I regret, the things that hurt me. In the midst of my dramatic and ridiculous pity parties, I actually convince myself that things could not get any worse and that my life is the worst it could be.

Cue the wake-up call from God...

Sunday night, my parents and I had dinner with some friends from church and, they all started talking about the families in their sunday school class who were fighting cancer or dying from cancer. My heart was breaking, and despite the fact that I don't know any of these people, I found myself fighting tears. Here I am during this holiday season spending this break with two healthy and amazing parents and planning family Christmas with ALL of my wonderful family around me, and there are families who are spending this Christmas in a hospital, maybe praying this isn't the last Christmas they have with their loved one. There is so much hurt, loss, and pain in this world ... FAR, FAR beyond what is going on in my life. So what if I'm single and may never get married? Great, wonderful, fabulous, glorious! Who cares? I have my health, my family, my dreams, my life. I have it all.

I needed that perspective. Life isn't going to always go exactly how I want or expect it to, and I would never want it to. I want the life God has for me EVEN IF it is to be single forever, because if God can use me best as a single then I would never want to be anything else. Praise God that he reminds me how blessed I am to have exactly what I have.

Later that night as my mom and I walked through walmart, I just couldn't stop thinking about how immature I have reacted to my state of singleness and how I have completely blown it out of proportion. I looked at her and said, how can I consider my state of singleness as anything other than a blessing as compared to those who are truly experiencing trials and struggles in this life.

WOW. Thank God for new perspective.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Welcome to Reality

Do you ever wake up from a dream and close your eyes really quickly, squeeze them shut, and hope that you can return for just a moment longer to enjoy something that never happens in reality? And after lying completely still for about three solid minutes in hopes of returning to those few moments of bliss, you give up in hopelessness. The dream is gone ... as gone as yesterday's news. How depressing. It wasn't real. I very rarely have dreams that I can remember much less get so deeply involved that I mistake it for reality, but when I do have them, they are intense and so real it would seem I could actually reach out and touch ... and actually feel something. I know this is a little strange, but true nonetheless. I honestly don't know why or how I fall into this trap every time, but somehow I do. The worst part is waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and realizing that it was all just a dream. Let's just say ... only in my dreams. Dreams are great, but when we get so caught up in dreams, we lose sight of the joys of reality. Although reality isn't always what we would choose, shouldn't we be okay with the fact that reality is exactly where God wants us. Reality is that God has a special plan for our lives. I think that is my greatest struggle to accept the reality I have been given. Back a couple months ago, I was driving (which seems to be all that I do these days) back from my cousin's birthday party, and I was just making my way down the interstate. As I looked up ahead of me, I saw some really strange form on the road. At first it resembled a huge monster, then I convinced myself it was an eighteen wheeler on the back of an eighteen wheeler, and THEN I decided it was really a monster. I was so confused, and I just could NOT figure out what it was. Finally, as I drove closer to it, there it was (plain as day).... a golf cart. Really? A golf cart? I did not see that one coming. Isn't that life though? We see things from miles away and make a judgement based on the distorted view we have, but as we get closer, the whole picture seems to become clearer. This happens to me so often in life, and I feel like it can really apply to the topic of choice which is ... duh! marriage. As singles, we look at marriage as this amazing, perfect, and wonderful thing that just completes life, but in reality, it has its hardships, troubles, and heartaches same as singleness. We have such a bad habit of distorting reality into what our eyes are telling us we see versus seeing it for what it really is.

This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Revelation

Revelations. And no I don't mean the book of the Bible. I mean that moment when something that has perplexed you, baffled you, or even just confused you for a period of time and all of a sudden, it hits you ... CLARITY. I love those moments of clarity hence loving revelations. You can probably guess where this one is going, huh?

I had a revelation recently, and for no other reason besides just being my typical self and not EVER being able to completely stop thinking about the whole marriage thing, I found new clarity behind my distorted way of thinking. Yep, you totally saw that one coming, huh? Well, this is good, so you're gonna want to keep reading.

Wedding Day by Casting Crowns ...
There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridgegroom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white

And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe
But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign
On that Wedding Day

I hope you took the time to read those lyrics, because it was the basis of my whole revelation. What a song. I tear up every time I hear it, because it holds such a strong promise for all of those girls (including me) out there believing that an earthly prince charming exists and will come galloping in on his white horse.
Whether or not I ever get married or even have the wedding I've always dreamed of, I AM promised a wedding day. A wedding day with Christ. I should probably leave the bulk of this post to the lyrics instead of adding my words which cannot even begin to compare to the picture conveyed by the words above, but then it's me we're talking about here, so here is my two cents.

What little girl hasn't dreamed of her wedding day? The beautiful, white dress. The flowers. The friends. The family. The love. These dreams will come true one day. The day I take my final breath on this earth and am ushered to the gates of heaven. The first thing I see as I walk that aisle is the eternal Prince of Peace waiting for me. The only one who has ever looked at me and said, "I love you with an unconditional love that sees past all of your failures, shortcomings, imperfections, and disappointments. I see you for who you are. The bride of Christ. I have laid down my life for yours, and there's nothing you could ever do to earn or deserve this sacrifice I made for you. Come just as you are, and I will clothe you in my righteousness. You are my Father's beautiful creation." Despite the shame and remorse for yesterday, I know I have finally reached my wedding day (side note: I realize there was probably some deeper theological meaning intended for this song a.k.a. the uniting of the church with Christ at his second coming, but this is just what God has placed in my heart).

This has brought such peace and contentment to my heart that it is difficult to articulate with words. Each day is a struggle to trust God with everything from the biggest things to the littlest things.

Now that school is out, I hope to share more of my God moments from this semester.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Bringing Good Cheer

Christmas is my most favorite time of the year. Not only because of the giving and receiving of presents or all the delicious food and desert, but because people are generally nicer around the holidays, the music on KLOVE reminds me of the true reason we celebrate, and who could forget the bonding time with the fam?

I walked into Wal-Mart tonight, and lo and behold, there was a Christmas tree. I felt immediate joy and delight upon seeing such a beautiful sight. Trees, decorations, lights, and sparkly ornaments bring all of my wonderful memories flooding back, and it serves as a constant reminder of my first Christmas spent in China when I realized the world does go on and the season isn't about me but about Jesus Christ.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

But Christmas also brings some hard times and sadness. There's always the change that comes with growing up. Things aren't the way they used to be. Siblings grow up and start new lives with their spouses and more families; meanwhile, I'm left trying to figure out where I fit into the new picture that we call family. In addition to changes, there is the loss of family members who were the the mainstays of so many past holidays. The days of Christmas past in the home of my Mamaw and Papaw are days that I will never forget, but they will never be the same without them. Not a day will pass that I won't miss them or thank God for the memories I did have with them. On top of all these things, Christmas always seems to bring out the relationship/marriage card. I bet you didn't see that one coming .... haha! Holidays always remind me that once again I am alone and without the one thing that seems to complete everyone else's holiday season.

"An insecure woman has her world centered on something (marriage) or someone (Mr. Right) that can be lost or taken away. Insecurity keeps a woman from experiencing consistent joy even within a relationship because a man cannot provide security, only God can." How true this is. I have to stop the "woe me" and "pity me" attitude during the holidays. So what that I am alone in one respect, but I am surrounded by a family who loves me and cherishes me. Just ask them. I may be one of the most talkative in the family, one of the most stubborn, and one of the most unusual members of my family, but they love me ... I know they do. I also have the love my Heavenly Father who has always been by my side and always will be. What more could I ask for during one of the most joyous times of the year?

"No man, not even a husband, can fill the need you have for secure love. Only Jesus who "is the same yesterday and today, and forever," will never disappoint or fail you (Heb. 13:8)." Let me preface all of this with the fact that this is a pep talk to myself and is only meant to serve as a way to share what God is teaching me and how He is molding my heart to be more like His during this time in my life. I can find this secure love in Jesus Christ alone ... not a husband. I have to stop waiting to live my life when I have a husband by my side. This is not a death sentence but a chance to live my life exactly the way God wants me to.

"Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out your heart's longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also. But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God's love brings security." Do you hear Him calling you? because I do! I hear Him telling me to let go and fall into His loving arms. I close my eyes, and let my imagination do the rest ... I can crawl into His lap and let Him hold me close, wrapped in His arms as He comforts me with His promises. I am feeling more secure by the moment!

"He longs for you to be secure in His love. He wants to protect, lead, and love you. To develop security, give your heart and emotions to the Lord." Amen and amen. I can say amen, but actually doing it is a whole 'nother story. This holiday season, I am going to practice what I preach. I will give my heart and emotions to the Lord and rest in the security of His love.

"To build security into your life, spend time in God's Word. Proverbs 1:33 says to listen to God and live securely. As you do, you will find out what God is really like -- what His character is -- not just what you think or have heard He is like. You will be surprised at how differently He sees you than what you have thought."
And where else should I start but His word? God is so much more than what we can wrap our minds around, but He does give us a glimpse into His character through His word.

Here's where I am going to start:
"In First Peter 2:4, God says you are choice and precious to Him. He calls you precious, honored, loved. and His redeemed one in Isaiah 43:1-6. Isaiah43:7 says you were created for His glory. You are very special to God -- so special that He plans for you: 'plans for [your] welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope' (Jer. 29:11b)."
"You are accepted (Rom. 15:7); you are not condemned (Rom. 8:1); and you are His child (Jn. 1:12). you are also the temple of God (1 Cor. 3:17). He is your adequacy (2 Cor. 3:5) and He leads you in His triumph (2 Cor. 2:14)."

Just wanted to share my thoughts and more importantly some Scripture.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People ...

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is an age-old question which I'd say has plagued every human being in the world especially Christians. We all believe that God is good, and we all believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is true that God does truly have a plan for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future. If we believe this to be true, it begs the question, why do bad things happen to good people? If our God is so good and has good plans for our lives, how can these bad things happen to us?

When I was in junior high, I struggled with this. I just couldn't understand why the good people around me were facing such bad things. I asked God this exact question. I asked Him to tell me why. I asked Him to show me, and He did.

Why do bad things happen to good people? His answer to me: Mr. Ricky Jones.

This man loved his church, loved his family, and loved all people, but most of all, he loved his God. I don't know all the specific details about all that he endured during his lifetime, but I know that he had diabetes and probably many other health complications which in the end took his life my senior year of high school. When I was young, he was a picture of health as far as I knew, and he was the brightest light shining for Christ. As a young girl, I wanted to be around him, talk to him, and give him hugs. He ALWAYS had a smile on his face,and I came to expect a smile and hug from him every time I saw him. As I grew older, my mom would tell me that Mr. Ricky was very sick, that he had to have surgery, or that he was in the hospital. I knew things weren't good, but I didn't fully understand what was going on. What I did know was that he was sick, and I expected him to be unhappy, discouraged, sad, or angry. That's what I had seen others do when faced with such hard times, but Mr. Ricky was not others. No matter if they amputated his foot or confined him to a wheelchair, that smile never left his face. He continued to praise God even through the storms of life. To the world, he had every right to disown God and be angry with his circumstances, but not Mr. Ricky. He knew God's plan was good and perfect. He knew something that I didn't understand. I understand now as I think back on the impact he had on my life. I hugged his neck every time I saw him, and instead of complaining about his life and troubles, he asked me how he could pray for me. He always knew when something was heavy on my heart, and he always reminded me that God answers prayers and to NEVER stop praying.

His positive and Godly reaction to the BAD gave me the answer to this perplexing question.
First, I had to realize that we live in a fallen world where bad things are going to happen. This world is not perfect, and it hasn't been since Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden. This is a constant that will not change and will continue to affect us.
Second, I had to realize that this life is not about me or us or anybody ... it is all about God and bringing Him glory. He WILL use the bad to bring Him glory, and that is really all that matters.
Third, to this very day, I think about him every time someone around me is faced with something bad. He set an example for me, and to this day, I can look to God in the midst of storms in this life and put a smile on my face. I want my life to glorify God, and I will learn to accept the good and the bad ... knowing that how I react could impact someone's life forever and possibly even for the kingdom.

God is good.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Rescue Me

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'" Jeremiah 17:7-10

My words are insufficient, but God's words always convey what I can't. Makes sense, huh? If not, He wouldn't be God! Have you ever noticed how everyone tells you to follow your heart? Well, according to this verse, I'm gonna go with NEGATIVE on that one. I've been following my heart into hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness, unnecessary rejection, and a million other places God never intended for me to go. I want to be like this tree ... trusting God first and foremost ... it does not fear when the heat comes, it has no worries in a year of drought, and it never fails to bear fruit. Oh how I long to be like this tree. Instead, I spend my time "following my heart," not God. What am I thinking? All of this reminds me of two of my absolute favorite songs in high school by Codie and Josie. First of all, "Rescue Me" was pretty much my most listened to song in the ole green mazda 626, and the words became the cry of my heart.

I wanna step out of me, run away from myself
I wanna chase after you and nothing else
You rescued me, now I'm safe by your side
You were always there with your arms open wide
Rescue me ... from myself
If I'm as close to you as I want to be, God, I'm not satisfied
I wanna be closer, closer to you, closer to you and further from me

Amazing, right? I need God to rescue me from myself and my deceitful heart. I have believed all of these lies that my heart has told me. For example, "It's okay to dwell on who I think I should marry, about the wedding, and about every single detail of our lives together." LIE. My heart tells me that this is okay, but it's not. The only thing I want to dwell on is my Savior, my God. When I dwell on these material/worldly things, I sabotage my relationship with Christ. He wants my whole heart not just the portion that I am willing to give him today that I'm not reserving for that future non-existent Prince Charming. How great is it that God will rescue us from ourselves, and not only that, but He will be standing there with His arms open wide.

The other song is called "Different," and it just sums up my thoughts about what I want my life to say ...

I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you. Not like me that's not what I wanna be. I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you, cuz that's what you called me to.
How can I let others see that this world is not what you made it to be ... I can be different. I can be just like you.

This is what I want. I want to be different. Different than the world. Different than the stereotypical "Christian." Different than the lukewarm followers. Different than the status quo. I want to be just like Christ.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel'" Jeremiah 18:3-6

I see God doing this in my life sometimes ... especially through my times of "control-freak" mode where I try to plan out my entire life and continue on to watch my plan fall to a million pieces. As God has me on the wheel, and I am marred (due to my own attempts to do things on my way). What else does God do, but take me as I am and shape my life into what seems best to Him ... forming my life to His will (where it should've been in the first place).

I'm not sure where this all came from, but it was definitely just the ponderings of my heart tonight. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Overwhelmed

"The choice remains with you, dear princess. Your Father will not force you to turn from the window, but He longs to fellowship with you. Come into His chambers, delight in His Presence. May you be found in Him -- a Lady of Devotion."

This is by far my most favorite quote from the entire book, Lady in Waiting. It gives such an amazing visual of what it is like to have intimate fellowship with the Lord. I'm reminded of the song we sang at Garaywa in the summer of '08. I don't know the title of the song or who sings it, but it just about moves me to tears every time I hear it ...

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
Your love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

When I close my eyes, I see myself standing out on the balcony of a castle that you see in one of those sappy romantic movies that I've watched a million times, and I'm staring out into the distance. I'm probably rotating between multiple of my nervous habits such as biting my cheeks, twisting my rings, or as Brooke likes to so often point out just moving nonstop especially with my hands. As I'm pacing out on the balcony and peering into the sunset of another day gone by in which my Prince Charming is nowhere to be found, I hear God say, "Jenna, please come and sit with me." Day after day, He makes this plea for me to turn away and return to His chambers. Night after night, He asks me to join Him in an intimate relationship. For so long, I have refused thinking my post on the castle wall was far too important and necessary to see what I was missing out on. These are such treasured days in my life where I can wholeheartedly devote my heart, mind, soul, and strength to serving God. My heart has always been so distracted by what I thought I was missing out on regarding earthly love that I missed out on the best part of all which is fellowshipping with my Heavenly Fiance. He is the Lover of my soul and my Prince of Peace ... what more could I ever need.

Before I go, I wanted to share my God moment for the day. I was driving back to my apartment for like the 5th time today, and I think I go a different way every time for no particular reason. As I was heading down one of the back streets, I focused my mind on the familiar stop sign at the end of the whole street, and I was headed for that stop sign no matter what. Before I knew it, I snapped out of my trance and realized there was a stop sign in less than 50 feet. I slammed on my brakes despite the fact that there were no cars anywhere to be seen, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on that stop sign at the end of the road that I almost ran the stop sign right in front of my face. I do this so often in my life ... I get so focused on that next big goal (for this blog's purpose, a.k.a. marriage) that I miss out on the right now and what God has in store for me today. I don't want to do that anymore. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter for me. GRAD SCHOOL. Instead of focusing on graduation day in May 2013, I'm going to keep my eyes open for what God is doing now.

Got a little off topic tonight, but I hope this makes sense to at least one person. It would make it all worthwhile. To God be the glory.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Princess in Training

"To marry a prince, you must first become a princess. To marry into royalty, you must be appropriately prepared ... Is it any wonder that a heavenly princess must prepare inwardly for the calling to which she will give her life? As you set your attention on developing godly character, Christ will change you into the beautiful princess He created you to be."

I know what some of you are thinking ... the whole princess concept is quite dated, somewhat childish, and overly dramatic, but hear me out. I'm not talking about some Disney princess who is stupid enough to bite into an apple from a complete stranger (I mean, come on, didn't anyone ever tell her not to accept candy from strangers?) or some snobby, rich girl who gets everything she could ever want plus more. NO, I am talking about the daughters of the KING OF KINGS. When we are born into the kingdom, we become co-heirs with Christ, we are the sons and daughters of the KING. Did you hear that clearly? We are princes and princesses of our Heavenly Father who sits on the throne of grace. Don't you see ... no matter how cliche this all sounds, it brings me great joy and hope. As a princess of the King of Kings, I want to make Him proud and have him look at me one day and say, "well done, my princess."

The other day I was eating lunch with a dear friend who has always inspired me to follow harder after Christ. She always has this Godly wisdom to share, and God always uses her to clarify things in my walk with Him. As we shared about our respective summer trips and our freakishly similar struggles, she told me how God is working in her life and ways she is growing closer to Him. She told me she is taking each aspect of the definition of love one month at a time. For example, she is working on patience this month (God bless her for that one! haha!), and next month she will focus on kindness. I know God has put her friendship in my life for a reason, and I deeply respect and admire her for her passion for Christ. When she was telling me about this plan, it made me think about this fourth chapter of Lady in Waiting. She is truly a "Lady of Virtue."

"Are you becoming a virtuous woman that a man may need as a helpmate? Are you using these days to develop godliness in order that, if asked, you will be ready? Whether you marry or not, every woman should seek the virtues of Christlikeness."

Like a true friend, she has inspired me to start a quest of my own. I'm going to take the fruits of the spirit and divide them up over this school year (starting in September) to seek the virtues of Christlikeness.

"It is the Holy Spirit, not [me], who produces the godly character [I] seek. These pearls of character are listed in Galations 5:22-23 as '... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...' As these qualities develop, [my] life will become more like a beautiful necklace strung with pearls of godly character."

I want my life to more closely reflect the image of Christ, and I know there is no better way than to start on this journey of becoming the princess of God. My prayer is that God uses this for His glory and His glory alone.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Learning to Love,
Jenna

The Pursuit of God

What would happen if we all pursued God the same way we pursue earthly relationships? I mean when I really think about this, it blows my mind. What if I craved God-time the way I do people time? OR even better ... what if I longed for and desired God as much as I long for and desire a husband and kids? What if my entire day/week/life revolved around staying up late to talk to God, chatting all throughout the day, and anticipating each and every conversation? I think about this a lot. What if I treat Christ as my heavenly bridegroom and pour my love and attention on Him as if we were in an intimate relationship? How glorious would life be if I pursued God the way I pursue a relationship.

I've been reading A.W. Tozer's book, "The Pursuit of God," and I must say that it has been truly enlightening. If you haven't read it, you should. For the past 10 years or so of my life I have refused to read books in the Christian living section in bookstores which I perceived as "self-help" books. The way I saw it, I had the only "self-help" book I needed ... the Bible. Over the past year, God has shown me that although the Bible is the most important book ever and should be top priority on my reading list, He does use His followers to impart the wisdom that He has so graciously bestowed on them. There have been so many times in my life that I thought that I was the only person going through the fire, drowning in the waves, or struggling to take another breath, yet there is a network of believers out there who have sruggled with the same thing and want to help others see God's face through the flames, the waves, and the darkness. There are things in my life that I haven't even realized that were hindering my relationship with God until it was pinpointed as certain things leading to problems in someone else's life. Anyway, needless to say, I have become a huge fan of these "Christian Living" books.

Back to "The Pursuit of God" ... I deeply respect and admire people who are good with words especially since I am not one of those people, so I love when people can make sense of things that I can't fully wrap my mind around ... this is how I see A.W. Tozer. He just has this way with words, and the things that I have always wanted to say, he says so eloquently and perfectly.

"When religion has said its last word, there is little that we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking God-and effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the 'and' lies our great woe. If we omit the 'and' we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been securely longing. We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One."

I want to run in full pursuit of God with no distractions. I am going to pursue God like a man pursues water in the desert. I must pursue God with all of my heart.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Grace for the Moment

Meet my four best friends ... Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress. They have been my closest companions since childhood, and I remember exact moments in my life when I met my friends.

Let's see ... I met Fear at the early age of 6 right after my family moved to Grenada. We were living in our rental house on Carroll Street which was already a creepy house as it was, but shortly after we moved in, my brother decided it was a good idea to make me watch Chucky a.k.a. Child's Play. This is the first time I remember becoming so close to my friend, Fear, and unfortunately, he has clung to my side ever since. He followed me into my adolescence, my preteen and teen years, and even into my young adulthood. He still likes to linger around corners, and he never seems to get tired of hanging around me.

I met Worry quite a few times before this one particular moment, but the first time Worry and I became friends was in 8th grade when my parents told me that my mom was having tests run to confirm their suspicions of colon cancer or Crohn's disease. Worry accompanied me into one of the worst encounters of my life. Worry held my hand and reminded me to dwell on every worst case scenario possible. He helped me underestimate God, and in these horrifying days and weeks, we began a friendship that has grown stronger through the years.

Anxiety was an unwelcome friend around the same time as Worry, but Anxiety really caught me off guard. I was in junior high, and the time was approaching for my first Cotillion (which is a club I was in where the girls/members have to ask guys to be their dates 2 times a year). I only got in because my sister had gotten in, and had I known it would be the start of my new friendship with Anxiety, I might've declined it all together. This is when Anxiety began to whisper in my ear that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, popular enough, or even good enough for a guy to want be my date. Anxiety knew the exact tactics to consume me.

Finally, there is my friend Stress who was and is the one who causes me the most trouble in my college years. I don't think Stress and I were very close until I graduated high school. Since then, Stress has marred almost every decision, test, and change that has come my way over the past 4 1/2 years. Stress told me that our friendship was normal and that all college students were this close. He told me that as long as I kept him close that I would be one step closer to accomplishing everything on my task list. He made me think that procrastination was actually a good idea. He has been my constant companion for far too long.

Anyway, now that I've introduced you to all of my friends, it is time for me to finally sever ties. I have held on to Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress because I wasn't placing my trust in the right place. It was easier (at the time) to turn to them in all situations than to turn to God.

In Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light," he says "God isn't going to let you see the distant scene either. So you might as well quit looking for it. He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future. We do not need to know what will happen tomorrow. We only need to know he leads us and 'we will find grace to help us when we need it'(Heb. 4:16 NLT)."

Satan keeps attacking me with the "what ifs" about school, work, my nonexistent love life, and the list goes on. Over the summer, just thinking about grad school made me want to throw up, and I've already expressed my feelings about my single life. I can so easily get caught up in my same ole friends Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress, OR I can choose to follow this ... "Meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today." (Matthew 6:34 speaks for itself on this matter)

I am trusting that God will give me grace for the moment. I know I will be tempted to reunite with these old friends, but life is so much easier when I rely on God to give me His grace which will help me through it all. I just love the idea of God giving me His grace each and every moment. It sounds like a much more pleasant experience than good ole Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress.

So long, my friends ... I'm loving God's grace for the moment way too much to even take a glimpse back over my shoulder. This is how it is supposed to be. Sweet surrender.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Truth

What is truth? Jesus says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Don't you just love the truth? We don't always like to hear the truth, but ultimately, the truth sets us free. When we were little, our parents drilled in our minds to tell the truth, and no matter how much the truth might hurt to tell it or even to hear it, it breathes life into our hearts and minds. I said I wanted to be truthful about the good and the bad, so that's what I'm going to do...

This is the truth about me. Being alone scares me to death. Just thinking about spending the rest of my life with no one to share it with makes me want to cry. I fear what people will think of me if I never get married. I feel unworthy of love and inadequate. Most days I feel like something is wrong with me ... that I'm just not good enough. If I let go of my dreams of marriage and children, I'm scared I can't trust God to fulfill my heart's every desire(don't worry ... He already knows these things whether I type it out or not, so don't think this is new to Him). I'm terrified that I will have to live the single life in America with people staring at me wondering where I went wrong and pitying me for what I don't have. I fear a life spent wondering "what if" and "how come." I don't want to be the "chosen" single one who has to sit back and watch every last one of her friends find "Mr. Right." Well, that's the truth about what runs through my mind on a regular basis, but don't commit me to an insane asylum just yet ... Keep reading!

This is the truth about God. Truth. God loves me. Truth. God has a plan for me. Truth. God is the only one who can ever give me true happinesss and contentment. Truth. God is my Prince Charming(a.k.a. Prince of Peace). Truth. God will take my burdens and give me rest. Truth. God is all I ever need. Truth. God will guard my heart and mind. Truth. God will never leave me nor forsake me. Truth. God is my refuge and shelter. Truth. God will uphold me. Truth. God hears my every prayer and answers each one as well. Truth. God is a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. Truth. God is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. Truth. God makes all things new. Truth. God is the Author and Perfector of my faith. Truth. God's unfailing love never ends. Truth. God is TRUTH.

Now the struggle I face is replacing my truth with God's truth. Obviously His truth is by far the better option, but it has taken me a long time to build the truth that has come to define my inner thoughts. It's not worth it anymore to dwell on my truth, because God's truth will set me free. This is what I long for the most ... that the truth of God will infiltrate every single corner of my heart and mind.

This is what I will repeat in my mind over and over again ... "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which transcends all understanding, will GUARD your HEARTS and your MINDS in CHRIST JESUS. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8

Learning to love,
Jenna

When God Tries to Get Your Attention

Have you ever had one of those moments when you can't figure out why you are doing what you are doing, but you go along with it becuase you know God has a purpose behind it? And only after do you figure out what God was trying to tell you? Well, if that didn't make any sense, I'm about to share my God moment for the day ...

This morning was wonderful and mostly relaxing. Kayla(my friend and teammate from this summer in EA) stayed with me at my apartment last night after we got back late from our Lousisana road trip to see friends, so I was really excited she stayed with me ... hence the reason I woke up in such a great mood. Might I also add as a sidenote that the whole waking up thing didn't even happen until 10:00am, so that makes for a great day to top everything else off. Anyway, I started getting ready for the day and said goodbye to Kayla, but I still had about an hour until I had to be at work. I sat down on my bed with my Bible and prayer journal to just spend some quality time with God. After a little while, I proceeded to finish up some last minute things before I headed out the door, and I looked down at my hand to see the book, Every Thought Captive. I was really confused by this, because I didn't remember picking it up, and I definitely didn't have time to read any of it. So naturally, I set it back down only to find it back in my hand just a few minutes later. Apparently, I was subconciously picking it up, because God wanted me to read it. I didn't have time, but I knew that God must be trying to get my attention. So I sat down to read it, and lo and behold, it was a chapter on forgiveness.

I have really been struggling with forgiveness for a very long time over something that happened a really long time ago. Someone hurt me, and I saw it as my perrogative to hold on to that unforgiveness. Little did I know how much pain I was causing myself more than anything. God has been convicting me of this for a long time, but this summer, I knew God was telling me that I had to finally forgive and let go of the pain I was holding onto. God really got my attention this morning.

"What pain do you continue to carry with you? Whose name do you cringe to hear, simply because the wound he or she inflicted on you was so deep that you feel unable to forget? Which offense do you remember so vividly that you can taste the disappointment, anger, and anguish as if it just happened?"

"In this fallen world, people WILL disappoint us. People WILL injure us. It's not a question of if as much as when. And it's also a matter of in what way and how deeply. When someone wounds us, we have one of two options. We forgive, or we don't."

"Try as we may, we cannot shrug off or forget a true offense. We can allow minor infractions to roll off our backs, but genuine heartfelt injuries do not simply go away with time. We either mentally choose to forgive, or we hang on to the pain."

For such a long time, I have been choosing to hang on to the pain, but I can't do that to myself any longer. I am choosing to forgive. I am choosing to love. I am choosing to follow hard after God.

God is doing some big things in my heart and life. Many of these things are painful and even agonizing, but I know that the fire will only make me shine brighter. BTW ... I'm referring to the refiner's fire. If you haven't heard of the process of refining silver, you should check it out. http://www.clarion-call.org/extras/malachi.htm I feel like God has me directly in the fire, but as long as His image is reflected in my life in the end then it will be totally worth every second.

In regards to my "Lady in Waiting" journey that I have been sharing about, I have had some not so good days the past week, and I want to be transparent throughout this journey. I want to show the good and the bad, but I am waiting for God to inspire me with words to truly convey the struggles I am facing in His words not my own. Satan has been attacking me nonstop since I made this committment to walking more closely at my Savior's side. He is trying to sabotage everything God is doing in my life. I'm doing my best, but some days that just doesn't seem good enough. My heart is open to and waiting ...

Learning to love (and forgive),
Jenna

Seize the Day

Do you ever lie in bed at night and just think about God and what He is thinking? Well, I do. Lately, I have been thinking about what He would say to me if I was sitting at His feet chatting with Him. I truly believe He would say,
"Jenna, why won't you just trust me? Don't you know that I have good plans for you, to prosper you not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future? If you will just trust me with your heart, you will never be disappointed or alone. If you will let go and let me fulfill your heart's every desire, there is no need to want for anything else. You are my daughter, my princess, my beloved, and I will hold you in my arms. Don't miss out on my plan for you in the here and now by dwelling on the there and then."
And at this point, He would start singing "This is the Day" in Chinese just to make me smile, because it makes me tear up just typing that, much less hearing Him say it. "This is the day that I have made, Jenna, so rejoice and be glad in it."

"Singleness is an enviable conidtion. An unmarried woman has something that a married woman gives up on her wedding day: extra time with Jesus. Too many young women waste valuable years as they wait for life to begin -- after marriage. They rarely realize the priceless free time they waste, until it is gone."

"Rather than wasting precious moments fantasizing about an earthly lover, take advantage of your free hours each day to serve the Lord of Heaven ... Your single state may not be permanent, but it definitely is not to be a comatose state until Prince Charming arrives and whisks you off to his castle. Single women are not "Sleeping Beauties" waiting for their prince to fight his way through the thorns and past the wicked witch to finally kiss them awake. That is an illusion often used by the enemy to defraud women."

"Is there an opportunity of service that you have avoided because you can't give up your "post on the castle wall" looking for your knight in shining armor?"

I don't know how or where, but I am determined to get more involved in the Lord's work. I get so caught up in my so-called "busy" life that I forget to truly look for opportunities to serve others. I want to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading in my life, and be ready at a moment's notice to jump on board with whatever He has planned.
I'm really at a loss for words tonight, so I'm taking that as God's sign for me to just shut up and stop talking. So let me end with this verse:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men." Col. 3:23

Learning to love,
Jenna

The Single Life

"To be involved in the simplest form of ministry may require the married woman three times as much time to accomplish, in comparison to the single woman. Although a single woman may long for the "chaos" of a family, she must not waste her time wishing for it. She must be diligent to use her single time wisely now. She has more control over her time and choices now than she will probably ever have again."

As promised, I must share the perks of being single on my family vacation. I will be honest that I wasn't looking forward to this vacation as much as everyone else was. (dear family, if you are reading this, please read all as to better understand my meaning in this entry! haha!)I mean just think about it: mother+father, brother+sister-in-law+nephews, sister+brother-in-law, AND don't forget jenna+nobody ... haha! I was not looking forward to the constant reminder of being alone and hopeless. My fam is amazing and always supportive of me in everything that I do, but of course, I am human and somewhat envious of what they all have (marriage this is).I thought that my singleness would just get under my skin all the more on this trip, but as always, God surprised me.

First of all, I got an entire bedroom to myself with my own bathroom and jacuzzi tub overlooking God's creation. The first thing i realized that I was anything but alone. I was closer to God than I ever have been. I was able to truly bask in His closeness. How precious that is. I could feel God's direction so clearly especially with starting this blog and how He wants to use it for His glory (which is really all I want out of this blog stuff!!). I had my own little mountain retreat there in our cabin. One word. Awesome.

Second of all, at Dollywood, (btw this one isn't quite as deep as the first reason, but every reason serves its purpose in reminding me that singleness is not my punishment) all of the couples took turns switching out watching the kids when we rode some of the rides, and I never had to do it due to none of the couples wanting to split up. I don't want to sound like I didn't help out with my nephews the whole day, because I love them with all of my heart and enjoy every single minute with them. I just want to make a point that this was somewhat of a perk, because I am a bit of a rollercoaster junkie.

Last of all, people who barely know me as a person usually know how much I love my nephews, because I talk about them all the time and flaunt pictures of their precious faces. As much as I love those two precious little boys, being a mother and wife is not as glamorous or fun as our minds make it out to me. Baby vomit and a crying two-year-old is enough to remind me that the single life has its rewards too. fyi ... this by no means changes one of the deepest desires of my heart to get married and have children, but in this time in my life, I am better able to understand the place God has me. "The perfect time to make the most of every opportunity is while you are single. Every believer should use time wisely, as Ephesians 5:15-17 (NIV) says: 'Be very careful, then, how you live -- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.'"

Okay, I don't know if this made any sense to yall, but somewhere in the inner parts of my mind (which is a scary place), it makes sense to me. These are just small things that God used to help me see that He wants me to be content and satisfied in Him and His plan for my life. We just have to look at the positive side of things. Sometimes they may be small, stupid, or silly, but I have found that it is so important to see not only the big things but also the small ones.

"Our selfish nature tends to focus on what we do not have rather than on what we do have -- free time -- that can be used for others and ourselves. Is your life on hold until you have someone to hold?"

No matter what God's plan is for me in the future, I will live for today and be happy and content with the Lover of my Soul and my Prince of Peace. My moutain retreat ended today, so now to apply all that God has been teaching me in my week away from my normal, average, single life. I can't wait to see what God has in store.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Good, Better, or BEST

If you know me, you know I LOVE to read books. If you really know me, you know I usually ONLY read romance fiction books ... given, they almost always have some underlying Christian theme of forgiveness, healing, etc. My love for reading has always been centered around these Christian fiction romance books, and year after year of reading and rereading these fictional fantasies, let's just say that it left me a little delusional. My brain moved to some other planet where it believed that my life would turn out like at least one of them if not all of them. haha! For some reason, I convinced myself that I would find a man just like all of those ridiculously perfect guys in my books. oh the heartache I caused myself by reading those books for so long. I mean let's be honest ... others have not been the only ones feeding me with this "find a husband or die" mentality. I have been choosing to torture myself, but not anymore. Maybe someday I will be able to read those books again in moderation, but for now, I have to stop doing that to myself.

Yesterday, my family and I went shopping here in Pigeon Forge, TN (we are on family vaca, which btw has been SO much fun) at the Tanger outlets, and there in the distance I see a discount Christian bookstore. I beelined for the store, and immediately upon walking in, I saw at least two tables stacked high with what else besides Christian fiction romance books. I walked up and down the length of both tables and soon realized that I just couldn't do it anymore. I picked up one book and it was SO typical ... girl is troubled, boy is the hero, girl meets boy, girl resists, boy saves the day, girl and boy get married and live happily ever after ... go figure! haha! I slightly giggled at myself (out loud might I add) and slowly but surely returned the book back to the table. I surveyed the store and saw a table for Christian living, so I decided to check it out. Of course God knows everything, but kill me, I'm human ... so it always surprises me when God brings me to a moment that I know it is exactly God's plan. I'm sure He just looks down on me and shakes His head sometimes. haha! The very first book I saw was "Every Thought Captive" by Jerusha Clark. It seems like I have heard of it before somewhere, but the first thing that hit me was ... this is exactly what I need.

My thoughts are what always bring me down. There are times when I wish I could just shut my brain OFF, but as we all very well know, we just can't do that. Anyway, I'm just starting to read that, so I'll let yall know how it goes. Also, on another note, I've also been reading some other books that are really challenging me to grow closer to God and as a result living a life more sold out for Christ.

Okay, well, another point I wanted to make is that there are so many "GOOD" things in life even "BETTER" things such as Christian fiction romance books which can distract us from God's "BEST." I don't want to get distracted by those things when I could be experiencing the best God has for us. Sometimes it may even be that marriage is only a good thing in God's plan for my life while singleness is God's BEST for my life. Who knows? I don't, but God does. That is enough for me.

Learning to love,
Jenna

p.s. Stay tuned for an upcoming blog entry on the perks of being the only single person on your family vacation, and I am not being sarcastic at all. This is so legit! :)

Reckless Abandonment

Reckless abandonment. What does that mean to me? It means throwing off all the things of this world and running as fast as I can toward Jesus and not caring about a single thing along the way. This very accurately characterizes Ruth in the Bible. She gave up everything she had ever known to follow God with this kind of reckless abandonment. This is one of my favorite stories in the Bible, and I know that God put her story in the Bible to encourage us and teach us. "She wanted God's will, not hers; His blueprints, not her elementary scribbling; God's assignment, not her foolish plans." This is so true. That is exactly what I want, but do I truly live like this? Ruth did, and I believe there is so much we can learn from her.

"A single woman today needs the boldness to challenge and break the cycle of the "American way" that exalts a relationship with a man as the answer to life. This "American way" blurs the reality of the ultimate answer to life found in a deep relationship with Jesus Christ." I know many of you can relate to how hard it is to break the cycle of the "American way," but it is crucial to finding true happiness and satisfaction.

"The depth of your relationship with God is up to you. God has no favorites; the choice to surrender is yours. A.W. Tozer so brilliantly stated in his book The Pursuit of God: 'It will require a determined heart and more than a little courage to wrench ourselves loose from the grip of our times and return to Biblical ways.'"

So many times we settle for a surface-level, mediocre relationship with God, because it is easier. Who really looks forward to being convicted of their sinfulness or pushed out of their comfort zone?? NOT ME!!! But our relationship with God should be so much more than this. He desires to have an intimate relationship with us like no other relationship. He can satisfy our deepest needs like no one and nothing else. I am learning these things very slowly, but I am trying each day to go deeper with God, to really experience His presence and to fall madly in love with the Creator of the universe.

Now, the hard part ... we have to "wrench ourselves loose from the grip of our times." It is so hard to let go of what has been engrained into our minds since childhood, but this is our challenge ... to live our lives according to Biblical ways and not earthly ways.

Once again learning to love,
Jenna

My Alabaster Box

"A woman is not born a woman. Nor does she become one when when she marriesa man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be."

Have you ever heard the story of the alabaster box? Obviously, this is a very well-known story in the Bible, but this book gave me a whole new perspective on my alabaster box. Anyway, the story goes like this ... There was a woman who came to Jesus in his last week before he was crucified, and despite her reputation as a terrible sinner (which, btw ... who isn't?), she poured the expensive perfume from her box onto Jesus' head anointing him. Let me give you a little background on the alabaster box a.k.a. jar which had a very special meaning. Each woman had one of these boxes or jars, and their parents bought a perfume that symbolized their family's wealth. When a man comes to marry the woman, she is to break this alabaster box at his feet. This woman found Jesus worthy of such a sacrifice and honor that she gave such a priceless gift to him.

Now an excerpt from "Lady in Waiting" which really hits home with me ...
"What is in your alabaster box? Is your box full of fantasies that began as a little girl while you listened to and watched fairy tales about an enchanting couple living happily ever after? Have you been holding on tightly to your alabaster box of dreams, frantically searching for a man worthy of breaking your box? Take your alabaster box to Jesus and break it in His presence, for He is worthy of such honor. Having responded to your Heavenly Bridegroom in such a manner, you can wait with confident assurance that, if it be God's will, He will provide you with an earthly bridegroom. ... Take your alabaster box, with your body, soul, and dreams, and entrust them to Jesus. When He is your Lord, you can joyfully walk in the path of life that He has for you."

I cannot even begin to put into words how true this is for me. I have been fantasizing and dreaming of getting married since I was a little girl. Not only did I watch every possible fairy tale as a child, but it only got worse as I got older. I read every romance book and watched every romance movie I could get my hands on, and I have been clenching onto my alabaster box for dear life like it was either find a husband or DIE. Oh how dramatic I can be. haha! This was such a wake-up call to me. I'm done with this chasing after fantasies and dreams stuff. It is time to truly break my alabaster box at the feet of Jesus. He is the only one worthy of my heart, and I know He is the only one who can make my dreams come true.

I am truly tasting freedom from this burden I have carried for so long, and I feel my relationship with God deepening more each day. I am still struggling with this, and when I do revert back to my old habits, I just remind myself that I didn't get this way overnight and won't radically change overnight either. I am so deeply in love with Christ, and I want to become so lost in His love that I never want for any other kind. This is the beginning of a journey for me, and no matter where it leads me, I know God will help me get there in His timing.

Learning to Love,
Jenna

Brand New Start

I can't say that I know why I am doing this other than I am just doing what God is telling me to do. Back in January, God turned my entire world upside down with the book, Lady In Waiting. I don't know how many times God has turned your world upside down, but let's just say it is never much fun. This wasn't the first time nor will it be the last, and I am thankful that God loves me enough to remove me from my complacency.

Anyway, about the book ... Since I was a little girl, I have had Sunday School teacher, after GA teacher, after church leaders who have unknowingly corrupted my entire view of God and marriage. I get the concept that these people were just trying to make me feel special and happy, but in the long run, now all I have is many years of lying to myself to reverse. Who decided that it was a good idea to tell all the little girls in the church and probably outside of the church that "God has a special person picked out for every single one of you?" Please tell me where this is found in the Bible, because I can tell you right now that my Bible says that it is better to not get married so as to devote our entire lives to God. I realize that the whole creation of the world was based on one man and one woman who were husband and wife and made babies, but God never once promises this to every single once of us. For the longest time, I saw it as my right to get married ... that somehow God owed it to me to bring me a husband. I fooled myself into thinking that my life was incomplete without this "Christian American Dream." Little did I know that I have been wasting precious time in my life when I could be growing deeper and deeper in my relationship with God, but instead I was pining away after my nonexistent prince charming who everyone would say just took a wrong turn somewhere and got lost. Sometime last semester, it finally hit me that God wanted me to pursue Him the way I had always dreamed of being pursued by my so-called prince charming. That's when it happened ... I realized that I didn't need a man to complete me. God is in the business of completing hearts, not us.

Romans 12:1-2 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God -- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing, and perfect will."

I don't know whether I will ever get married. There is still a strong desire in my heart to get married, but I want to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. I want to seek God's will and not my own. Sure, it is very possible that God wants me to stay single for the rest of my life, and if this is the case, I will gladly accept this future and move forward in my journey to serve God with my life. I am so tired of pretending that I am a princess standing at the castle window staring off into the distance hoping that my prince charming is going to come around the corner any second. God wants all of us to turn away from the window and trust him. Last semester, I had finally turned away from the window, but sometime in the last three months, I got scared, looked back, caught a glimpse of something shiny (of course the armour of my prince charming, duh!), and all out death sprinted back to my window for prince patrol. I realize how ridiculously cheesy this sounds, but it's the truth.

I'm starting a new phase of my life right now. I graduated from college in May, and I start speech path grad school in August. I started a new job and got a new apartment, so basically, everything in my life is changing ... that is, except God. I want to use this blog to document my struggles and my victories, my heartaches and my rejoicing. Each time I want to share something from the book and how I am applying it to my life or what it means to me. I know this is going to be a long and hard journey (especially when you remember the 18 years of lies I have believed and must reverse), but it is going to be so worth it when I come out on the other side on fire for God and with a heart devoted to the only Prince Charming I will ever need.

Jenna

A New Journey

My life has been so extremely crazy since I returned home almost 6 months ago. I started my senior year of college, conquered the GRE (graduate record examination), started applying to graduate school, led the statewide BSU College Student Conference, applied for summer missions AGAIN, found a church "home," got a 4.0 for the semester, and welcomed my beautiful nephew, Gage William, into the world.

Like I said, I have applied for summer missions again this year, but this is going to be a very different experience on so many levels. First of all, as of the first week of January, I have absolutely NO IDEA where I will be going. My extreme planner personality is quite concerned about this, but I know that God is going to send me exactly where I am supposed to be. I could end up in either East or South Asia. This experience is the polar opposite to last year's. My trip to Ukraine was planned pretty perfectly, but if you kept up with me this past summer, you know that all well-laid out plans are great until God reminds us that His plans are much different. This time around I am going into this whole experience with nothing but trust in a great God.

I don't even know if anybody is still checking/reading my blog, but for anyone who stumbles upon my post, I ask that you pray for the hearts of all the lost people in my life at the W and the people I will meet on my future adventures to more foreign countries. I feel such an urgency to share the love and salvation of our God with every student on my campus before I graduate this May.
I am going to be facing many BIG changes as I graduate from college, and although I know God has it all in his hands, I am scared of the unknown. I am reminded of the quote I chose to represent me in my high school yearbook beside my senior picture ... "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." I have to remind myself of this very often.

I am about to embark on one of the great adventures of my life in 2011 as I strive to impact my campus for Christ, leave for another summer in an unknown foreign country, and begin a new chapter of my life of graduate school in an unkown location. So many unkowns which are all in God's perfect plans.

I sincerely hope to post more often throughout this semester as God's plan for my life in 2011 unfolds. Stay tuned ... You will not want to miss the AMAZING things God is about to do. I know I don't!

Until the whole world hears,
Jenna