a farm-filled christmas and a much-needed update

I've been a little distant from the blogging world over the past couple weeks. And that can be mostly attributed to the jumble of thoughts which comprise my brain. It is already rather chaotic in there, but here of late, it's been on overdrive. Like sleepless nights kind of overdrive.

Merry Christmas from the McMurphy crew

the cousins

First of all, let me say ... Merry Christmas. I know I am a few days late, but I'm really the type that would go around saying it all year long just for fun. As I so often stated this time last year, Christmas is my {most} favorite time of the year. This year was no exception. I was surrounded by family, love, and laughter. If only the abundance of laughter had been enough to burn off all the calories that I consumed amidst this holiday season.

You may ask, "what exactly did you laugh so much about?" The better question is what didn't we laugh about. Gage's giggles. Jordan's stories. Ant hills. Hay bales. Pinterest humor. and Elf Yourself videos. One thing you can be sure of is that our holidays will never be short of laughter when we are all together. This year was even less about the presents than it ever has been. That is something I love most about my family. I am the broke grad school student who is currently unemployed until May {donations accepted ... haha! just kidding}, and my miniscule gifts were just as accepted as all the other ones. Being in my grandparent's home surrounded by those I love and filled with such joy and peace with the celebration of Jesus' birth, how could I not feel like this was one of the best Christmases ever. I am one amazingly blessed girl.

the boys riding the tractor with Papa

a little Christmas Eve chicken barn adventure

my precious Granny

Gage's hiding place

Next, let me note that the whole calorie overload the past week was no joke, and I feel the payback my body is about to give me in the gym tomorrow. I seriously never stop amazing myself. I really thought that maybe I had made progress on this whole food-mind game that I've had going for years, but it reared its ugly head this past week. Every slip, every indulgence, every little cheating bite made me feel even worse about myself. There is some disconnect between my brain and my body. For example, I haven't eaten very healthy whatsoever for the past 5 or so days. Instead of allowing myself some grace and just jumping back on track (let's say tomorrow), I beat myself up and my {inner} vision balloons back into my old self. The same arms, face, legs, etc that looked smaller just last week now look 10x larger. It's irrational how much grief I give myself over eating food on a holiday rather than just pick myself up off the floor and keep moving forward. I'm not done with this journey, and I refuse to let my old mentality take back over. This is God's battle to fight for me, and the longer I try to do this on my own or condemn myself for every shortcoming, the harder life is going to be. Tomorrow (a.k.a. today, December 27,2012) is a new day. It's  day for me to start new and fresh. It is my opportunity to lay all of my struggles and sorrows back at the feet of Jesus.
Okay. Ready. Set. Go.

my attempt at fighting temptation with healthy PB brownies

One last thing I wanted to just throw out there. This is going to sound so strange and in complete contradiction to my mental battle with my weight loss {mentioned above}, but I've had a strange revelation here recently. I've noticed that people are starting to look at me instead of through me. I have always felt invisible. I mean ... seriously ... I wouldn't have seen me either surrounded by such {outwardly} beautiful, skinny people. I do feel different now that I've made progress on my journey to being healthy. Honestly, I've never felt better in my entire life. For the first time ever, I feel like people are actually seeing me for me. I have hidden behind my weight and food for so long just hoping that no one would take notice of poor, overweight Jenna. I don't want to hide anymore from my problems, from my feelings, from my reality. This is the way God created me, and {contrary to what I've thought my whole life}, He made no mistakes on me.

This post came out of nowhere and is more random than I intended, but I felt like God wanted me to share just a little of what is going on with me. It's not easy being honest and open with my wounds and scars, but God always uses my pain to help others going through the same thing.

Stay tuned for future posts ... a very overdue update on my 5K debut and status, some {spiritual} heart issues God has been repairing, new year's resolutions, Passion 2013 just next week, and the beginning of the end {a.k.a. my last semester of grad school and my frightening entrance into the SLP medical world}.

my countdown is getting ever smaller

So long comfort zone. I'm heading out into the big girl world.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Damsel {Refusing to Be} in Distress

Independent. Self-sufficient. Controlling. Dominating.
All words that I've come to see very well describe me. I have been basically on my own for my entire life. Not in terms of family, because if nothing else, I have always been surrounded by such a strong and supportive family and group of friends. BUT ultimately my lack of relationships forced me to become independent and self-sufficient. I don't need anyone, (especially not a man) because I am strong. because I am independent. because I am able to take care of myself with help from no one. 

Because if I let anyone know that I needed someone {especially a man} then I would be perceived as weak.  If I'm weak, I am vulnerable. All four-letter words in my dictionary.

The problem is that I didn't realize that I was closing myself off to pretty much all relationships (even just plain friendships which are just as important). I didn't realize that I was even doing this or that I'm using it as a way to shut out God and not allow Him into certain areas which I call "mine." He can have His areas as long as He lets me hold onto mine. I am such a control-freak. It's actually quite ridiculous. I don't realize what I control-freak I am until I am in the middle of a moment and suddenly it hits me ... that I am trying to control something which was never in my control to begin with.

There is so much to this story which is easy to share in person, but not so easy to type out into words. In order for me to tell stories, I usually have to make circles to cover all my bases. Therefore, I felt the book I am currently reading could explain it better than I can. Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge puts words to my struggle. Enjoy.

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"Fallen Eve {a.k.a ME} controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. And if she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart's longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman 'who doesn't need anyone -- especially a man.' How this plays out over the course of her life and how the wounds of her childhood shape her heart's convictions are often a complex story, one worth knowing. But beneath it all, behind it all, is a simple truth: women dominate and control because they fear their vulnerability. Far from God and far from Eden, it seems a perfectly reasonable way to live. But consider this: 'Whatever is not from faith is sin' (Rom. 14:23 NKJV). That self-protective way of relating to others has nothing to do with real loving, and nothing to do with deeply trusting God. It is our gut-level response to a dangerous world. Now, this is not to say that a woman can't be strong. What we are saying is that far too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control. Their strength feels more masculine than feminine. There is nothing inviting or alluring, nothing tender or merciful about them."

"Controlling women are those of us who don't trust anyone else to drive our cars. Or help in our kitchens. Or speak at our retreats or our meetings. Or carry something for us. Make a decision that is 'ours' to make. Suggest a different dress, agenda, restaurant, route."

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"Controlling women tend to be very well rewarded in this fallen world of ours. We are the ones to receive corporate promotions. We are the ones put in charge of our women's ministries. Can-Do, Bottom-Line, Get-It-Done kinds of women. Women who have never even considered that our Martha Stewart perfectionism might not be a virtue. We have never considered that by living a controlling and domineering life, we are really refusing to trust our God. And it has also never dawned on us that something precious in us is squelched, diminished, and refused. Something that God has given us to bring to the world."

Like WHAT???? You mean to tell me that my control-freak and independent ways are not a gift from God? haha. Oh I just crack myself up. I've been so blinded to these ways of mine until last summer when a guy told my best friend that he could never date/marry a girl {like me} who was so independent, self-sufficient, and unsubmissive (is that even a word?). Well, after a year and a half of brooding over these hurtful words, I finally called this guy to get some more details. By this point, I just wanted the truth, so I could hand these things over to God to fix in me. When he was talking to me, it was making so much sense. I make people think I don't need a thing, ... because I've always made sure that no one knows that when I'm hurting, when I'm lonely, when I'm in pain, or when I'm not okay. Why would a guy want anything to do with a girl who doesn't need him? A girl who is bound a determined to do everything on her own with no help from him? I see this flaw now, and I see how God is trying to show me the error in my ways. {whew. this isn't much fun but I know God has good plans for me.}

Sorry I put so many quotes in this post on top of my normal ramblings, but I just couldn't say all that stuff above any better than these amazing authors did. I highly recommend the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. God has used this book to shine his light on my sinfulness and the places of my life that I need to turn over to Him and allow Him to work this out. It is not going to be easy to allow God access to each of these areas of my life. one by painful one.

Daily Reminder: God is in control. {NOT ME}
Feel free to remind me of that any time you want. I will {more than likely} need the reminder.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Turn Your Eyes

Or as I sang all weekend, "Fix your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

I might have had the words wrong, but God placed this hymn inspired by scripture on my heart last Thursday night. As some may know {but most do not}, I had started the application process for the apprentice/career path through the IMB, and this past weekend was a expo/interview to pretty much determine if we were what they were looking for to serve long term. I was a nervous wreck all week long. No joke. My stomach felt like I had pterodactyls flying around.

Side note: {list of stupid things I did}
Unknowingly spilled my pumpkin spice latte down the front of my white shirt.
Walked completely into a men's restroom before I realized it was the wrong one.
Continued to take a picture in my still stained shirt which I had not noticed yet.
Looked down to see the orange splotched all over my shirt and had to keep my jacket buttoned all night long.
Almost knocked over the rest of my latte with my arm because I was talking too animatedly.
At the end of the night, I dropped all of my belongings behind my chair where I couldn't reach them with things falling out of my planner left and right.
Let's just say, it could only go up from there.

Back to the original story. Sparing you a whole lot of details, I'll sum it all up in these few words: I already had a plan. Be on the field in two years or less. This was just a stepping stone.

I went home Thursday night thinking the whole night was a bit rocky due to my accident-prone ways, but Friday had to go as planned.

Nope. Not a chance.
{luckily for me there were no more incidents with coffee or bathrooms}

Instead God had totally different plans for me to discover. I've known since I was a little girl that God wants me overseas, but I have really been struggling with a lack of peace over to go now, wait, or whatever. Needless to say, I just knew God was gonna give me the clarity I needed to just keep on going forward. Negative. Through a long series of events that I would love to share in person over some coffee {preferably not on my shirt} I would love to explain further, God very clearly impressed on my heart that He wants me to wait. That is not what I wanted to hear, and I definitely fought him on it for a good hour or so.

But ultimately, I was surrounded by 6 single females who were all at least 2 years older if not 7 or 8 years older and who were so mature in their faith. I have never felt so inadequate. But in a way, that God had to use these phenomenal women to show me how much growing I needed to do. They were all so full of Godly wisdom that I needed to hear. They were all so encouraging to me and so very genuine in their struggles and victories. God knew exactly what He was doing by placing me there this past weekend.

At first I couldn't understand why God would have me start this process if He didnt intend for me to finish it, but I finally got it through my thick skull that I had to see for myself that I wasn't ready and that God has a lot of work to do on me.

I'm so thankful that He spoke to me so clearly and used those girls in my life to shape me into what He wants me to be. God has plans for me that I can't see right now, but I am trusting Him to show me exactly where it is He wants me. I know one thing for sure: He wants me to me more bold in sharing my faith in my circle of influence. So feel free to hold me accountable for that. I'm giving you permission. It's time for me to grow up and stop hiding behind my pride and self-confidence issues. Enough is enough. God wants all of me. Not part of me. It's all or nothing. I'm surrendering over all that I have. I count it all as loss compared to knowing and serving Him.

Now back to the hymn. I'm so thankful God placed this song in my heart. It's no surprise that I am distracted so easily from everything. It's actually pretty sad. Y'all all know my weakness when it comes to Christian conferences, so as the attack came at me, I just started singing in my head {wrong words and all}. Now just two days later, I still am singing that song and reminding myself to keep focusing on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. When I am focused on Him, the things of earth {i.e. marriage, dating, popularity, weight, looks, money, etc} grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace. I am not looking ahead to the future. Where my time spent there is futile. Nothing I dream up or imagine is real life and it only serves as a hindrance to God working in my life. I am not looking behind at the pain, the mistakes, or the memories which only hold me back from God's plans today. I am focusing my eyes on Jesus where they belong.

Praise God that He's not done working on me. I'm always a work in progress.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

In Need of a Little Inspiration

What was I thinking? I will tell you what I was thinking ... I was thinking that I'm crazy and that I've lost my {ever-lovin} mind. What am I referring to you ask? 

Well, I might have signed up for a 5K on Saturday morning. 

Yes, I have been training for one of theses for quite some time. No, I do not feel physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared for this. 

{However} God is telling me that I can do all things through Him. He keeps whispering these Scriptures into my heart and mind. 

Nothing is impossible with God. Luke 1:27. 

Do not be anxious. Let the peace of God guard your heart. Phil 4:8. 

God can do more than all we ask or imagine. Eph. 3:20. 

And of course this one ...

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He's really what I would call relentless. I am trying not to have a panic attack every time I think about running this 5K on Saturday, so the only thing that calms me down is the Scripture verses He has given me. He won't let me forget that He is always beside me and will always carry me when I cannot go any further. 

I seriously cannot communicate how frightened I am of failing. My whole life I've been afraid of one thing or another, but my most consistent fear is definitely {failure}. That's honestly the reason I have never signed up for a 5K before now. No, I may not be totally ready physically or mentally, but I think that is why God wants me to do it now. Just so He can prove that it's not me accomplishing it anyway. Just know that no matter the outcome, God receives all the glory. One thing is for sure: I will be jamming to a specialized playlist of my most motivating {Jesus music}.

So if you think about it, feel free to say a prayer Saturday morning at 9am. I'm gonna need everything I can get. God's got this, but I'd like some reassurance that my legs won't decide to go all {JELLO} on me and that my mind will overcome my body with continued truth from the Scripture. 

Learning to be the Light, 

Jenna

The Struggle Goes On

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, but here of late, I've been struggling. and by struggling. I mean hard. As I shared back in July, I have started back out on my {never-ending} weight loss journey. Let's just say that the weekend before last was a dreadful disaster. And if we are totally honest, I pretty much have been a dreadful disaster throughout this whole process. No matter how much weight I have lost, I still see myself as I was before or how far I have to go. I'm such a mess. 

Despite how big of a mess I am, God has been constantly trying to remind me that I have been redeemed. that I am His beautiful mess. He is telling me that I have been set free if I will only shake off those heavy chains. I am redeemed. He says He's not done with me yet. Praise God for that. 

Redeemed 
by Big Daddy Weave

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me “son
stop fighting a fight that’s already been won”

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I’ll shake off theses heavy chains
Wipe away every stain now I’m not who I used to be
I am redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, “Child lift up your head”
I remember oh God, You’re not done with me yet

I don’t have to be the old man inside of me
Cause his day is long dead and gone
I’ve got a new name, a new life I’m not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

(Music & Lyrics: Mike Weaver / Benji Cowart)

You'd like to think that one day you will move past your struggles, right? I've always thought so. At so many points in my life, I have come to a point that I {think} I am going to defeat this weight struggle, but shortly after this thought, I fall right back into my old ways.

There are days that I feel so trapped inside this weight struggle that I've come to realize it will probably plague me my entire life. I've come to see my weight struggle a little differently.I know it is my struggle, but I also think that maybe {just maybe} this is the struggle that I have been given to me in order to draw me closer to God. If it weren't for this struggle, I don't know what He would have to use to force me to rely one Him.

The truth is this: I can't do this weight loss thing without Him. Not one bit of it. All weight that I have lost has been all for the glory of God. It is all attributed to Him. I am so thankful that He has blessed my journey to be healthier. This isn't a short process nor will it ever end. This is the journey that God has placed me on. I want to treat my body like the temple it is. Being healthy is just one step on my journey, and I'm so glad that I don't have to face it alone. I am trusting in His Word and believing that He is always with me and will never leave me nor forsake me.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh Where is the Wisdom?

My writing juices have just not been flowing lately {which usually implies that God has a better plan for this blog post than I can even imagine}. God is always up to something even when I am oblivious. I'm just super thankful that He takes the time to speak to me and teach me in these moments.

I've pretty much been a recluse since starting grad school. Which inevitably means I rarely make weekend plans. Just in case I need to do homework or study.  

Side note: The last few weeks I have been questioning and doubting everything. And I mean everything. Where my life is headed. What my next decision should be. What I should do with my life. Where He wants me to go. Due to all of these questions, I have been seeking some wisdom. Just begging and pleading with God to give me wisdom and discernment to know what He wants to do with my life. End side note. 

So I decided to climb out of my grad school cave to go to the BSU college student conference this weekend, and I am so glad I did.

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Sometimes you just need that spiritual refreshing time. Time to just talk to God and more importantly, listen.

I was ready to listen and God was ready to talk. What do you think the topic is for the Friday night message? None other than wisdom and God's plan for our lives. Why this still surprises me I'll never know. With so many decisions and options before me, I feel like I am in one of those nightmares where I am in a circle room with 3 million white doors surrounding me. I feel like I should be in a mental institution, because my brain is in major overload. God showed me though this weekend that He has everything under control. He has a plan {which doesn't include me hijacking those plans for my own purposes}. One of the main things that stood out to me was when he said this, "God doesn't care where you get your paycheck as long as you are glorifying Him." Talk about a revelation for me. God has been trying to teach me this for almost a year now, but I have failed to truly let it sink in until this past weekend. Every decision I have ever made has been carefully calculated and painfully worried over until I finally just went with a decision. I have always tried so hard to seek God's will as if it's some mystical piece of paper that I have to pass 7 levels of marioland to reach. What if God really desires to give us options and to allow us to pick where we want to serve Him? {within reason of course} I think He has the ultimate plan, and that is why He gives us the Holy Spirit to guide us and lead us. As long as we are seeking what God wants and what God has for us, He will not lead us astray.

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Another revelation I had was this: Today. I'm single. Talk about a breakthrough. Today is all I have to focus on. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Not next year. Not 10 years from now. Today. And guess what? Today, I'm single. And for all I know I will be single for the rest of my life, but whatever. {reminder: I'm trying to convince myself of this as I type} I randomly decide to have these panic moments with a chorus of negative thoughts running through my head, but when I had my panic moment during the last session of this conference, I felt the peace of God surround me and whisper in my ear. I started to think about how short life is, and that in all reality, my time here is like the blink of an eye compared to the eternity I will spend worshiping Jesus and sitting at His feet. I hadn't really ever stopped to think about how short-lived my heartache over my singleness will be. Of course, as humans we see our life as forever long and measured by days in a week and weeks in a year, but God reminded me of a kingdom perspective: This is not my home.

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I'm not here to be settled into my cozy, little perfect life where everything is comfortable and happy. I'm here to be SENT ... to the ends of the earth if that's where God wants me. I won't allow anything to distract me from the mission God so clearly gave us all in Matthew 28:19-20. Around my age, people start throwing around words like {settle down,} and I can't help but think that's the last thing I plan on ever doing. If the only way I could find a man to marry was to {settle down,} then that is not for me. I am ready to be SENT. To go out and tell people about Jesus for all of my days. If God has a man on this earth who wants to join me in that mission. so be it. For now, I prepare myself to be sent out into the world and trust that Jesus is walking along beside me. He's good like that, isn't He?

Until He comes, I wlll go ...

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

{if onlys}

If only I were a master's degree-holding speech pathologist.
If only I knew what I was doing with my life.
If only I were actually dating.
If only I were married.
If only I had a family and children.
If only I were in another country.
If only I knew what was gonna happen next.
If only ....

You fill in the blank. What are your if onlys?

Mine are so numerous that I've really lost count of them. All of my if onlys stem from my impatience for life to happen on my terms and waiting on God to reveal His plan for me in His time.

I'm tired of crying over spilled milk. I'm tired of letting my lack of something and my if onlys determine my happiness. If only I knew how to change it. Oh the if onlys. {they drive me mad} They have started to pile up here recently. If only. If only God would just take away my desire for marriage and family, the pain would go away. But then of course my if only would just change to the next thing on the list. If onlys are getting me nowhere. If only I could get the news that someone is getting married or having a baby without being insanely jealous or feeling like my life will end without the same fate. My if onlys have completely sabotaged my happiness and gratitude for what I DO have. 

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I'm holding onto to my dreams of marriage and a family so hard. The tighter I hold onto those dreams, the more I doubt the promises made to me in the Scripture. The more I doubt whether Jer. 29:11 is really true. The more I doubt whether God really hears me.

It's only a mirage though. It's a dream. a decption. It's NOT real. God has me in His hands. He is never letting go. His plans are best even when I don't understand. No matter how badly I want to be married, to have a family of my own, to live in another country, and to live out all of dreams, and no matter if I NEVER actually receive any of those blessings from God, He is still good and merciful and loving and wonderful. He is enough for me and will always be enough for me.

Almost every time I go running now, one specific song comes on my iPod. Enough. Coincidence? No. I don't believe in coincidences. I only believe in divine intervention.

"All of you is more than enough for all of me.
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with your love.
And all I have in you is more than enough."

"More than all I want. More than all I need.
You are more than enough for me.
More than all I know. More than all I can see.
You are more than enough for me." 

If I really believe that He is enough for me, then I will let go of these if onlys.

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I know this blog post is all over the place. You should hear my thought process. If you did, you'd wonder how I can even compose a complete sentence that actually makes sense.

It's so {easy} to say not my will but yours be done, but it is much harder to make it a truth in my life. I don't like the girl that I am. The girl who thinks she needs marriage and children to complete her. The girl who constantly dreams about a wedding and babies and happily every after. I don't like this girl. at all. But I just can't seem to get rid of her. Don't you think I would have ditched her by now if I could? I'm having to hand her over to God and constantly pray for Him to create in her a new heart which yearns for Him alone.

I do want His will and not mine. Really. I do. It's just a process that takes longer than I would like and hurts pretty badly sometimes. But I have hope that God is going to continue working in my heart. He is going to get me through this time in my life and every one after this. He's always good like that.

Are you struggling with if onlys? Well, if you are, guess what? You aren't alone.

The good news: God has it all under control.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

So Far to Find You

If you haven't heard the song So Far to Find You by Casting Crowns, click right there below on that play button. Seriously. Go ahead. It's worth it. Promise.

The song tells a beautiful story of adoption. If you know me at all, you know that I am strongly and passionately {for} adoption, and I think that it is one of the most beautiful things in life. To see a child find a forever family who will love and cherish that child as their own. Adoption {especially international adoption} can be one of the longest, hardest, and most difficult processes there is. It actually baffles me how difficult the process is. After seeing the {many, many} faces of the precious children in orphanages in both China and Ukraine, my heart melted into a puddle of heartbreak and sadness. Some of these children {in both the U.S. and countries all around the world} never find a forever family on earth, because all any one sees are the obstacles. the money. the time. the documents. No excuse is good enough though.

Because when you really think about it, our obligation privilege to adopt should be only magnified by the adoption into the body of Christ that we have all experienced. Scripture tells us that we have been adopted into the family of God as co-heirs with Jesus Christ. brothers and sisters in Christ. 

Here in your eyes I see

Reflections of myself

How I'm the child that's really running

But I can hear a voice that's whispering my name

Saying come to me, don't run from me

I'm all you need and I am calling

Will you let me hold you in my arms tonight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

Will you take my love and give up the fight

I have come so far to find you

So far to find you

When I look into the eyes of these precious children {who might I add are just as loved by God as the ones who are born into their forever families}, how can I not see a reflection of myself? 

In my heart, I'm thinking these words: How often do I feel like that lonely child who keeps running form the arms that are welcoming me with love? How often am I the child who struggles against my {Father's} call? How often am I the child who refuses His love and all that He has for me? How often am I the child who won't give up the fight?

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

 

Never.Give.Up.

 I have ALWAYS doubted myself, and before I have even done something, I automatically assume I am incapable of doing it. Weight loss, for instance. I have been a debbie downer over my weight for longer than I can remember. I have only ever been able to see the here and now ... not what I am actually capable of doing.

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In my defense, most people who have known me have always doubted me {aside from my family}. It didn't help that I doubted myself at every turn. I can't help but ask myself why I still doubt what I am capable of it. I could always feel people looking down on me because of my age. that I was too young. always too something. Just as much as everyone else might have looked down on me, I can't blame them. I was already looking down on myself instead of embracing the opportunities that God has set before me. And see how He has set me up for success not failure. He wants to use me as an example in my speech, in my life, in my love, in my faith, and in my purity. He wants to use me. shortcomings and all.

The following is a list of things that I have accomplished that I NEVER thought possible:
Leader
Valedictorian
Undergrad
Hearin Intern
Graduate School

And really ... that's only the big things. There were a million other little things that seemed out of my reach, but somehow God brought me through and used me for His glory.. I know He only does it to prove just how MIGHTY and ALL-POWERFUL He is. I give Him the glory for all of that above. {all of it}. He gets all the glory.

Well, back to my weight. Once again. all the glory to God for the small amount of weight I have lost so far. And to top it off, I have been somewhat training for a 5k {that I haven't even registered for yet}, and even when I started, I doubted if I could ever actually accomplish this so impossible out of reach task. Well, I am on week 6 out of 8 and to my surprise, the dumb app actually wants me to run more every day. What was I thinking? Anyway, I have been putting off this 20 minute run for the past week {somewhat due to the holiday and somewhat due to my fear}. I even went so far as to re-run the previous day as an avoidance behavior. Well, Friday I decided to face my fears and attempt the impossible. the dreaded 20 minute run. I got on the treadmill with knots the size of my fist in my stomach. I just knew I couldn't do it. no way. not possible. I had already failed in my mind. {mind=biggest enemy} Despite my fear, I started to run, and lo and behold, 20 minutes later, I was the proud finisher of the 20 minutes run. Praise be to God. I was begging Him for mercy the entire time. There were still moments during those 20 minutes that I would start to panic with thoughts filled with can'ts, won'ts, and nots, and I had to immediately start pleading with God to carry me though. to give me the strength.

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I cannot even begin to express the feeling of accomplishment that I had at the end of that fateful run. PRAISE GOD. that is really all I can say. He deserves all the glory and more. I am filled with JOY. because He is working in me. He is using me. He is revealing Himself to me. little ole me. He fills me with joy. I am so much to be thankful for, and I refuse to doubt myself any longer. I can do anything that I set my mind to as long as God is on my side. He will never give up on me; therefore, I refuse to give up on anything. I will fight the good fight. I will press on toward the goal He has set before me. I will lead a life that is holy and pleasing to Him. I will do anything through Him who gives me strength. I will share His light. I will show His joy.

PRAISE GOD.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Sunday {Scripture}

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that's all.

learning to be the light, 

jenna

True Life:

I am a {second year} speech-language pathology graduate student. 

Today {August 15, 2012} marks the last first day of a school year for this girl. Can I hear a hallelujah? Seriously, this is epic. Okay, maybe not as epic as graduation day on May 11, 2013 {yep, that's the date. there is a countdown. you should mark your calendar.}, but nonetheless, this is quite an accomplishment considering the difficult path my classmates and I have walked to get here.

On the downside, I am realizing that the free time that I have so come to enjoy over the summer is long gone. I've only sat through one {2 hour and 45 minute} class, and I am already prepping my mind for a reduced zero social life policy. Now I'm back to homework-filled weekends and stress-induced meltdowns.
 {my apologies in advance to my poor parents who will receive the brunt of these inevitable meltdowns}

Just want to share two things that came from the {terrible, no good, horrible, very bad} past/first year of graduate school ...

Lesson learned:

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 Verse of choice for meditating when stressed:

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I just have to keep reminding myself of this: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this. 

269 days.

God is good all the time.

Learning to be the light,
Jenna

Love Story in the Making

When I was younger, I occasionally toyed with the idea of becoming a writer. I love to read novels, and I love to write. Having that type of control over a story would be nearly intoxicating. This should come as no surprise {considering my ongoing power struggle}. On the other hand, I never really saw myself with the needed focus to be a real writer, so I think I'll stick to my blogging.

Why have I always been so enamored with writing? Well, upon completing the 5th book in my most favorite series ever {the O'Malley series by Dee Henderson} for the sixth or seventh time, it made sense. I love to have creative control. I have seriously read enough romance, Christian, fiction books to create a type of love story encyclopedia. now wouldn't that be interesting? but seriously, I so could. The worst part {or I guess you could say the best part} is that these precious, heart-melting love stories centralize around God. Two people strongly committed to Christ and devoted to making a relationship/marriage work with God as it's foundation. What makes it so bad is that is exactly what I want.

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I want to write my own story. I want creative control of my life. I want to take the best of the best and incorporate it into the most moving love story of all time that brings more glory to God than ever imagined. But you've already seen the flaw in my plan, haven't you? Me.Me.Me.Me.Me. That is what my world revolves around, so no wonder I have such a distorted view. My shortcomings make me sick to my stomach, because how could I ever want my earthly plans for a love story when the Bible says that God can give us more than we could ever ask or imagine. In reality, if God gave me the love story that I could write, it would probably be less than mediocre.

Now let me provide some clarification on this whole {love story} business. I don't necessarily mean love as in marriage. I only mean an intimate love that can be found through Jesus Christ. Marriage or no marriage, there is still very much a love story to be told, because my relationship with God should tell a love story each and every day. There is so much pressure to be in a {earthly} relationship, get engaged, get married, have 2.5 children, and live happily after. But if God didn't create me for anything else, I'm pretty sure He put me here to ROCK THE BOAT. 

Quick confession: All of this pressure on marriage has almost broken me. I cannot deny that. So much so that at one point I almost took off my true love waits ring out of sheer embarrassment over my singleness. My thoughts were this: How pathetic it must look for me to continue wearing a ring that was meant as a promise to stay pure until marriage if I never get married.

But then it hit me {in good ole' God hittin' me with a 2x4 fashion). This ring is more than a promise to stay pure until marriage. This ring is a covenant that I made with God at a very young age to stay pure for Him. There are two scenarios in which this covenant can play out:

1} Let's say by some miracle that I do get married. This ring still and will always represents a pledge of purity that I have taken to regard my body as God's temple and to remain pure until I am married to a man. 

2} But if singleness is God's plan for my life, OKAY. that's it. okay. My covenant to treat my body as His temple and stay pure in thought and action is still relevant. Outside of marriage, I am still called to live a life of purity.

I get a lot of questions about my ring. It surprises people, and honestly, most people don't know what they are anymore. This is mostly because true love waits rings have gotten a bad reputation for being misused and abused. They became more about being a {church-y} thing to do instead of a covenant with God to live and pure and holy lifestyle that is pleasing to Him. I don't wear this ring as a hopeful reminder that I must get married one day to fulfill my pledge of purity until marriage. When you really think about, purity doesn't stop once you're married. Hence the reason the majority of marriages inevitably end in divorce. The marriage commitment has been watered down, and individuals are not staying pure within their marriage. Whew. that is a topic for a whole 'nother post. Anyway.

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If it is God's will for me to be married, I am certain it will be the most epic {earthly} love story considering what I have been through in my single years and my complete lack of experience in the relationship department. No, seriously. If only I knew God's plans. Let's just say that there is more to the story, and it would probably be so comical that someone would want to make a TV show about it.

However, if I stay single, it will also remain the greatest love story of all.  A love story that began over 2,000 years ago when God became flesh, lived a perfect life on earth, and sacrificed his own life for mine. Who wouldn't want that love story? How many people can say their spouse gave up their life and saved them from eternal separation from Christ? No one? Really? Hmmm. I think that pretty much rates at the top of the list for love stories.

Learning to BE the Light,
Jenna

The Grass is Always Greener

... on the other side.

No, but seriously. We always look at the other side, and all we can see is the luscious, green grass that probably feels like carpet under your feet on the other side. Who doesn't do this? If you raised your hand, then Im gonna go ahead and just tell you that denial is not healthy.

Let's recap.

When I was elementary age, I wanted to be in 6th grade and go on the Washington D.C. trip. When I was in 6th grade, I wanted to be in junior high. When I was in junior high, I wanted to be in high school. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a senior. When I was a senior, I wanted to be in college. When I was in college, I wanted to be in grad school. When I started grad school, I just wanted to be done with my first year.

I have always thought the grass was greener on the other side. I have always thought that the next step was gonna be so much more fun, more liberating, more exciting, more rewarding, more everything. When I was in high school, I just wanted to be taking courses which were relevant to my course of study. When I finally got to those courses, I wanted to death sprint back to easy high school classes. My whole life I have dreamed of being this close to the rest of my life. Finishing school. Doing what God wants me to do.

{Here's the problem} Now I'm here standing of that supposed luscious, green carpet grass and I'm terrified. Of decisions. Of the unknown. Of the vast openness of the future. Of being a grown up.

Now I would much rather go back to what seemed like easier times where I didn't have to make life-changing decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. It'd be one thing if my decisions were between getting a tattoo or a job. Buying a snake or a house. Eating an eyeball or an apple. You see these are examples of easy decisions {for me, at least}. No, the decisions looming over me are whether to work at a school or a nursing home or a hospital. Whether to go overseas never or first or later or forever. One decision leads to another and another and another. And eventually, I can't see up from down or left from right. The decisions pile up, and I just can't handle it.

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Why did I think the grass would be greener on this side? Clearly, grass is only as green as you allow it to be. If onlys could eat me alive if I really thought about all the time I wasted wishing for the carpet grass on the other side instead of watering the grass I was standing on. The same goes for my view on singleness. The grass is always gonna be greener when I'm focusing on the other side instead my own side. There are gonna be {pros and cons} to every single stage of life, every patch of grass, every step on the road. We choose to only see the pros of that other patch of grass. In reality, both singleness and marriage, high school and college, schools and hospitals, are going to be equally amazing and difficult, easy and hard, wonderful and miserable. It's just the way we choose to look at.

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I'm gonna water the grass in my right here and right now. I'm gonna do this by listening to God, studying His Word, and talking to Him constantly. Although these decisions overwhelm me and put my stomach into knots with dinosaurs rolling around in there, I know I can trust God to lead me to the right path.

I don't usually do this, but I do ask for your prayers during this time in my life. The decisions are unending, and more than anything in this world, I want to bring glory to God and follow Him wherever He leads. I've asked for a burning bush, but no matter how many times I ask for one, God seems to stick to the {subtle} in my life. Oh well. It's always worth a try. 

Triple Threat Thursday

well, I began my Thursday morning with a good workout, some Jesus time, and a healthy breakfast. hence my triple threat.

Thank you, God, for another day to serve you.

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As some may know, I've gotten back up on the horse for having a healthy lifestyle, and I feel GREAT. I haven't lost any weight, but that's okay. I just spent time in God's word the other night reading what He has to say about the way I treat my body and the things I put into it. I was really caught off guard by a verse I have read many times. Let me paraphrase for lack of time: Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything
{1 Corinthians 6}.

I've been mastered by food and my weight for too long. God tells me that my body is His temple, and I should honor Him with my body. This part of my life has been anything BUT honoring to Him over the last few years. 

This changes now.

I'm tired of being terrified of living my entire life in this miserable state. I'm discouraged every time I try to succeed all on my own. God reminds me He is with me ... wherever I go. He is with me. I can be strong and courageous when I know He is by my side. He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is my Savior. my Rock. my Prince of Peace. my First Love. He is my Everything. And it's about time I start treating Him that way.

Learning to be the Light,

Jenna

Long Time Coming

You should be warned that this blog post is about to open with a disclaimer, so run away quickly if this frightens you nearly as much as it does me.

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 As promised, my disclaimer is this: I typically avoid any and all touchy subjects, and I am more likely to run over my own foot with my car than make a public opinion on a controversial topic. I am definitely more inclined to share my opinion face-to-face {so as to ensure full understanding of my meaning}, but this particular subject has been weighing on my heart for a couple days now. ever since I read these verses:

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought. My brothers, some from Chloe's household have informed me that there are quarrels among you. What I mean is this: One of you says, 'I follow Paul'; another, 'I follow Apollos'; another,  'I follow Cephas'; still another, 'I follow Christ.' Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Were you baptized into the name of Paul? I am thankful that I did not baptize any of you except Crispus and Gaius, so no one can say that you were baptized into my name. (Yes, I also baptized the household of Stephanas; beyond that, I don't remember if I baptized anyone else.) For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel - not with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power." 1 Corinthians 1:10-17

Now, I know you might be thinking what on earth this has to do with the price of rice in China, but hear me out. I'm not gonna go into detail {because that could take years}, but let's just say that Calvinism and I have had a very rocky relationship. I watched my dear friend, John Calvin, rip a church apart at the seams, chew up the people, and spit them back out {great visual, right?}. From the time I first heard his name, it just never set well with me. Okay, let's hold up a second and go ahead and get something out of the way. This post is in no way going to delve into the theology and philosophical stylings of any man other than Jesus, so feel free to take a deep breath if you were getting ready to drill me with your opinion on the matter.

Here's my opinion:
John Calvin is a man; therefore, I will never {EVER} use his name as a label for myself. The only name I will proclaim and represent is that of Jesus Christ, who died on a cross for our sins in order to bring salvation to the world. Did John Calvin save anyone from the fiery pits of hell? I didn't think so. I understand people's desire to study theology and have a strong sense of what they believe in, BUT I am totally opposed to the creation of {what has probably become} the largest division in our faith. It is so unbelievably frustrating to me that people have allowed themselves to be placed in a category based on the names of two men who were born ordinary and died ordinary men. This is an age old problem. Even back in the good ole days, Paul was having to address the people about divisions among them. The people were labeling themselves as followers of Cephas or Apollos or Paul. Needless to say, Paul was disgusted {well, at least I would be}.

Let me ask you this: Is Christ divided? NO. Absolutely not. The Bible tells us over and over again that we are the body of Christ which has many parts but all works together in unison. We are to be united. As I watched my church fall to pieces and people leaving left and right, I became angry and bitter. I pretended for about a year that I was over it. That it didn't hurt me. That I didn't care. But it did hurt me. I did care. For quite a while when I was alone in Columbus, I stopped going to church altogether. Of course, I put on a good show. No one could tell the difference. No one here knew or cared if I went to church on Sunday morning. No matter how many different churches I went to, all I could see was that the very people who I had trusted and loved had turned their back on me. It doesn't matter to me if I was wrong or right, but what does matter is that the moment it created a division in the body of Christ, it was no longer of Christ.

Although I have finally moved away from that anger and bitterness that had overtaken my heart all those years ago, I have still been harboring unforgiveness in my heart for some of the people who hurt me the most. I'll never understand the decision they made to allow this to come between us, but I also know that it all got me to the place I am today. A very good place. A place where I can firmly and boldly proclaim these words: I am a follower of Jesus Christ not John Calvin or Jacobus Arminius. These names mean nothing to me, and although I fully intend to study every word of every verse of every chapter of every book of the Word of God until the day I die, I am only human just as you are. If we understood everything, we would be God. And SHOCKER: We aren't God. In v.17, our obligation and privilege is to preach the Gospel. NOT with words of human wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power.

In some ways, this post represents my release of this struggle and hurt. I have now been blessed with two church families where I have been refreshed and renewed by my time there. There will always be a special place in my heart for my church "home" all those years ago, and I know that God is continuing to do a good work there with those who remain. I hate to see God's children divided between two earthly men who held no power other than maybe the power of words. Throughout mine and Calvinism's rocky relationship, I have experienced a wide range of emotions {none of which were typically positive}, but ultimately, I am thankful for the fact that it has driven me deeper into the Word of God. The deeper I go, the more adamant I am to label myself as only one thing. a Jesus Follower.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Oh How He Loves

There are moments when I feel worthless. unattractive. overweight. unlovable. lonely. crazy. stupid. There are times when I feel like a loser. failure. Sometimes my train of thought just drifts to the most negative place possible. The place where you convince yourself that you aren't worthy of anyone's time. that you aren't worthy of anyone's love. that you aren't worthy of being happy. 

Who hasn't been there? {at some point or another} 

The problem comes when we allow Satan to make us believe all of these lies. because that's all they are. LIES. because even when we are in these dark places. God can find us right where we are. He loves us beyond words. David Crowder Band's song, "How He Loves," says it better than I can:

He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us,
How He loves us, oh how he loves

We are His portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

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Relationships and marriage surround me. Attempting to swallow me whole. Into an abyss of failure and loneliness. I'm not in a relationship. I'm not married. Yet I waste my time and energy stressing and worrying pointlessly. God doesn't want this for me. He wants so much more. He wants to rescue me from these lies and the large abyss that I've created around me. He wants to take me into His arms and never let me go. He wants to comfort me. He wants to love me unconditionally. He wants me. just as I am. He wants me. 

In fact, the truth is: He is JEALOUS for me. Did you hear that? Let me say it again for emphasis. He is JEALOUS for me. He is jealous for my time. my attention. my focus. my heart. my emotions. my thoughts. my everything.

When I waste time allowing the world to define what my life should look like, I choose to set God aside and focus on the things of this world. I put God on the shelf of my heart and inform Him that He isn't good enough and isn't satisfying me. Enough. No more. It's time to give up the fight. There is peace found in His arms.Everlasting peace. hope. love. He is offering me the intimate relationship I so crave. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy me.

Hearing these words reminds me that I am loved. I am worthy. I am not alone. I am beautiful. I am His. He loves me just the way I am. And He is jealous for me. 

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Step Right Up

... to the Waiting Game. Where the waiting seems endless but the Lord is good. 

Psalm 27

The Lord is my light and my salvation 

Whom shall I fear? Whom shall I be afraid?

The Lord is my stronghold when the armies besiege me

My heart will not fear. My heart will not fear.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

Hear my voice when I call your name

Be merciful and answer my cry

Teach me your way, O Lord. Make the path straight before me

Do not turn away. Do not turn away.

My heart says of you, "Seek His face."

Your face, Lord, will I seek

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

Wait for the Lord

For He is good

Wait for the Lord

Be strong and take heart

He is good as He says in His Word

Wait for the Lord

WAIT FOR THE LORD.

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When God placed this song on mine and Kayla's heart, I think He got His message across.

I'm waiting. I have so many prayers that I have lifted up, and although there's no answers, I feel the Lord telling me to wait for His timing.

And so I wait.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna

Anything BUT Easy

Why did I think that obeying God was going to get me an automatic easy card? Nope. Didn't happen.

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Well, I made the hard decision that I was struggling so hard with. For some super strange reason, I thought once I made the decision {to get the regular braces like I knew God wanted me to} that I would be uber happy about it. Needless to say, I'm gonna have to steer clear of metal detectors for the next two years.

Let's just say that my first reaction was not pretty. I'm not very proud of my initial reaction considering I barely made it to my car before I burst into tears. Why I thought this was going to be easy is a complete mystery to me. Honestly, I looked in the mirror and thought "holy crap, I have braces." My teeth hurt, and at the moment, I can't even talk without being painfully aware of the gigantic row of metal on my upper teeth. At this point, I'm not even sure what I was thinking. The complications that would have come down the road {10 LONG years from now} are starting to seem rather minor. Talk about a major wake up call. All I've ever wanted is to be beautiful. But no matter what I've done over the years {lose weight, clear up my face, wear makeup, buy cute clothes, etc}, none of it has ever worked. This just goes to show how ridiculously imperfect I am ... that I refuse to see myself through God's eyes. I've insisted on viewing myself as the world sees me. overweight. acne. abnormally tall. bad teeth. and the list goes on and on and on. What is wrong with me? Why do I continue to compare myself to the world's standards when God is standing there begging me to let it go and find my worth and beauty in Him.

I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be to get braces again. My {self-conscious sally} is back in full force, and I'm not even gonna lie ... I'm scared to smile. I'm scared that all anyone will see is the crazy large hunks of metal in my mouth. I'm overreacting, I know. I really thought I was gonna look in the mirror and see the finished product. Surprise. Nope, you're right. Still didn't happen.

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Here's the good news:
God is not finished with me yet. He's still working on me each and every day. This next season in my life as {brace face} is going to once again draw me closer to Him. That's really all I want anyway. I may lose sight of that purpose every now and then, but ultimately, I just want my life to glorify Him. I'm pretty unhappy with myself and how shallow I am at this point in my life, so in this moment, I'm just thankful that God will never be finished with me.

Let me just leave you with the lesson I learned from this crossroads in my life ... just because God places us in a certain situation or brings us to a specific place in our lives doesn't mean it is going to be easy or fun. But one thing we can be sure of is that if He brings us to it, He'll bring us through it. Praise God for that.

Learning to be the Light,
Jenna