2014 // year in review

Every year ends. Year after year. It comes to a close.

This time last year I had no idea what the year had in store. none whatsoever. I know we never really know what will happen each year, but this one was different. For the first time in my life, there were no big life markers. Graduate high school:Start college. Finish Sophomore year:Work at Garaywa:Start Junior year. Graduate college:Start graduate school. Graduate from graduate school:Start first real job as SLP. There were always important moments to revolve the year around.

2014 was different. There was nothing. No set life milestone. A completely blank slate.

The calendar was empty. 365 days yet to filled with a single date. Little did I know the roller coaster of a year I was in for.

On January 1, 2014, I wrote these words of prayer to God:

Push me out to stand on my own two feet & to truly rely on my faith. Turn my world upside down if you you have to. What I want more than anything this year is to fall more in love with you & bring more glory to your name. I have no idea what this year holds. I pray that no matter what happens, you draw me deeper in your Word, your arms, your love, & your will. I want my life to reflect you in every way possible. My ultimate goal is to turn everything over to you & allow you to work it out according to your glory & plan.

At this point {365 days later}, my words are just comical. God did far more than I could have ever imagined and did exactly what I prayed. He turned my world upside down. Like this ...

January // Began working out/training with the amazing Alicia Burr at Jane's Gym. Started Beth Moore's Bible study, Believing God.

February // Valentine's Day was one for the books. One of the most breath-taking and awe-inspiring sunrises I've every seen. Jordan's broken elbow which sent this aunt's heart into full panic mode. A month full of God's provisions.

March // Weddings galore. Mac {the mini aussie} entered our lives. My 25th birthday spent with sweet friends and amazing family. Ministry opportunities that God used to refocus and refresh my heart. Jonah study with She Reads Truth. Homecoming at the W. A prayer for God to lead where my trust is without borders and that my faith would be made stronger which changed everything. the 29th was the night I first felt God calling me to New Orleans.

April // Worked a Garaywa Mother/Daughter as camp missionary. Made the first trip to New Orleans with my mom to tour New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary where I plan to take classes eventually and look for apartments. Was told by a therapy company that it was unlikely I would find a job in NOLA due to the job market.

May // Had two interviews for school jobs in NOLA. Received and accepted an offer for the job with Jefferson Parish Public School System. Finished my Clinical Fellowship/first year as a school SLP at DeSoto Central Elementary and said a tearful goodbye to the best first job I could have ever asked for. Got on a plane headed out of the USofA and to the greatest place on earth, East Asia.

June // Packed as many meetings and people into one month as I could in East Asia. I ate the best food on the planet. Made new and lifelong friendships. Traveled in EA to a new and exciting city. And had the privilege/honor of leading a brother to a relationship with the Lord alongside two dear friends.

July // After a typical turbulent {not literally} flight schedule back home, returned home from EA. Granny had a heart attack just hours after my return sending our family into an even more turbulent next few months getting her better. Signed HR paperwork for my new job in NOLA later that week. Chaperoned LHBC Beach Week and enjoyed pouring into the lives of the youth girls while also getting poured into by the other women on the trip.  Spent the last two weeks packing up all of my belonging and squaring away the short period of life I lived in Olive Branch.

August // Said my final goodbyes in the beginning of August and moved to New Orleans. Started my new job at Paul Solis Elementary. Moved into my new apartment. Attended Beth Moore's Living Proof Conference in Memphis. And celebrated Jordan's 6th birthday.

September // Spent every other weekend traveling all around the state of Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama for recruitment, wedding stuff, and a concert. Adjusted to my new life in NOLA. Started going to First Baptist New Orleans and Level Ground Community Church.

October // Participated in a write 31 days blogging challenge. Started a one year chronological reading plan of the Bible and finally learned how to wake up earlier to spend time with God to start my day. Reconnected with a childhood friend. Seafood festival. More wedding festivities and traveling. Signed up for a half-marathon. Started teaching GAs at FBNO.

November // Attended my best friend's wedding. Moved my grandparents to Olive Branch in order to better take care of them and ensure that they are around as long as possible to make even more memories. Continued half-marathon training. Went home for the Thanksgiving holiday, caught up with some sweet friends, and spent thanksgiving eve at the ER because mother loves to scare us to death.

December //  She Reads Truth Advent Study. Nights and weekends filled with holiday movies, lights, and parties. Celebrated Gage's 4th birthday. Spent quality time with family celebrating Jesus, the true meaning of Christmas. Headed back to NOLA for new years.

This was really just for my benefit, so if you made it all the way through that, God bless you.

God is faithful ... even through the changes. Not a single month went by without clear evidence of God weaving together a bigger picture. One thing is clear: God is in control. I wouldn't change one single moment of 2014, and I am already looking forward to what God has in store for 2015.

Goodbye, 2014. Hello, 2015

The Fear

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just after I hit register on the Rock 'N' Roll Half Marathon website. Fear overtook every part of my being.

Oh the fear. 13.1 miles. What was I thinking? Am I totally crazy? To answer that for you. yes, yes, I am crazy out of my mind. I've lost it.

You know that quote that says, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing game." I think whoever said that stupid quote never signed up for a half-marathon.

14 weeks. That's how long I have. 14 weeks from today exactly is the day of truth.

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. You know all those posts where I've stated that I'm not a runner. That was not me being humble. That was not me being modest. That was not me exaggerating.

I love goals. I set short-term goals. long-term goals. any term goals just to get myself to them. Setting goals pushes me. So when I'm in need of pushing myself outside of my box, I feel this eagerness to set a goal. Why I thought a half marathon was the best goal to set is still beyond me.

Fear.

It could overtake me. It could stop me in my tracks. It could put an end to all my goals.

But I refuse to let fear stop me from doing anything. So I'm gonna fight it with Scripture.

"I will fear no evil, for you are with me" {Psalm 23:4b NIV}

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." {Proverbs 29:25 NIV}

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." {Isaiah 41:13 NIV}

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." {John 14:27 NIV}

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." {2 Timothy 1:7 NIV}

No more fear. Okay. Maybe I do still have quite a bit of fear. But I've fighting off the fear and choosing to trust Jesus.

No fear. Just Jesus. 

31 days later

Every day I wake up. Every day I think about the good and bad things. Every day I wonder about my present circumstances and my future. Every day brings with it a choice. 

Will I allow God to provide contentment and not my present circumstances?

I am 31 days closer to God. It definitely lived up to its name. A challenge. On a daily basis, at least one life lesson, experience, God moment happens that would be blog-worthy, but having the discipline/commitment to actually write about it is a different story.

At the beginning of this challenge, I actually made some big life changes {for me they were big} that I believe catapulted these 31 days of blogging. On September 29, I made the decision to defeat my long-running cycle of extreme laziness and start having good, quality quiet time in the Word each morning. I am not a morning person. I love mornings once I'm awake, but it's the waking up part that I hate. Miserable. I have been the hardest person to wake up my entire life. Just ask my parents and my siblings. My dad tried to several tactics {which might I add were all useless} such as throwing water on me, turning on my light, and letting me oversleep making me late for school. Thanks, daddy.

When I went to college, it got worse. Literally would roll out of bed at 7:55 for 8:00 classes. Which might prompt you to ask why on earth I had 8:00 classes. Well because I really did try to be a responsible adult who functioned properly in the morning. Like I said, once I am awake, I am good as gold. Now we move into real world life where I have to be at work on time every morning and waking up has become a legit problem. I finally decided something had to change.

                       

It is still not easy for me. But the thought that wins out very time is Jesus is worth more than sleep. I repeat it over and over again. Jesus is worth more than sleep. 

I have experienced growth in the area of contentment by leaps and bounds just by spending that time with God in the morning. This has seriously been life-changing for me. Mornings started with coffee and Jesus being such peace. 

I can't say I'll feel as content next week as I do today but the good news is that in those times of discontentment I know where to turn. God will give me contentment for each moment. 

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At the beginning of the challenge, I searched through all of the like 500 blog links on the inspiration/faith tab alone and just allowed God to lead me blogs that He wanted to use in my life over the past month. These are the blogs that I have been following throughout this 31 days challenge and would highly recommend for you to check them out.
Christin at Christin Mae Writes
Aliza at AlizaLatta
Kerrie Williams at Life on a Mission
Amanda at Amanda Harris
These women have encouraged me beyond words, and God has taught me so much through their words. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Battle of the Scale

It sits there. Just mocking me. Don't you want to step on me today? Don't you want to put a number to your failure? Don't you want to see how much weight you haven't lost? Don't you want to ruin your entire day with one step?

It taunts me every morning as I get ready for work. It taunts me as I change into my workout clothes. You'll never work out enough to get the number you want. You'll never sweat, run, train enough to get that number lower. 

My first experience with discontentment over that number was at an extremely young age. Maybe 3rd or 4th grade. I am pretty sure I overheard one of my boy classmates tell someone his weight. My immediate reaction was shock. then shame. then embarrassment. then fear.

Discontentment continued into my junior high years when we started having basketball during the day which required locker rooms with lots of girls with exceptionally lower numbers on that scale.

It continued into high school when I automatically knew that number was exponentially higher than all the other girls in my class.

When I was in 10th grade, I had had enough and gave it over to the Lord. The number dropped lower than I had ever seen. The number went up in eleventh grade and back down my senior year. It went significantly up when I went to college. A few rollercoaster dips up and down between there and grad school when I finally got to my lowest number. maybe ever. Then as if I had lost all control all over again, the number went back up.

I hate the scale. I border between treading carefully to not obsess over the number and losing sight of the goal if I don't ever look at the number.

Regardless of all I just typed above, the number does not define me. If you want to define me with words, define me with Jesus. He's the only label I want on me. I know the number matters in order for me to be healthy and have my body in the shape it needs to be in to best serve God, but there has to be boundaries to keep my eyes focused on Jesus and not the number.

My commitment is to treating my body as a temple. Eating healthy. Working out. Trusting God to take care of the number. This is the only way I will be content with the number. When God is put in charge of it. It feels good to let go of that. I was never meant to cling to a number. This does not define me. Jesus does.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Do Something

Do something you're passionate about. Do something God has called you to. Do something that brings you joy. Do something. And do it now.

The fail-proof {okay not really but super close} way to experience contentment. Do something. Be obedient to what God calls you to do.

I love GAs {in the Southern Baptist world, that stands for Girls in Action}. I grew up in GAs. I was first taught about missions in GAs. I learned what it truly means to be a missionary in GAs. I then went to college and helped teach GAs for four and a half years and worked {what once was} GA camp for two summers as a cabin leader. God has used GAs to shape my life in unfathomable ways.

God has given me an undeniable passion for young girls in the church. Being a GA teacher means being one of the first people to teach these girls what missions really looks like. that missions starts at home. that they are missionaries even at eight years old. that there are people around the world who have never heard of Jesus and others who have never owned a Bible. It makes me giddy just typing that out.

Not only do I love making missions come alive for these girls but I also love just getting to watch God work in their lives. Such a blessing.

When I moved down here to NOLA, I knew God wanted me to find a church where I could continue serving in this capacity. It was mandatory. I didn't know how long it would take me to find the church God wanted for me. It was the first church I visited on a Sunday morning and lo and behold, they have GAs.

As I helped in the GA class tonight, I experienced the most intense and overwhelming sense of contentment. When I am serving in the exact way that God created/shaped me to do, I am beyond words content with life. It is the best feeling. At the end, I got to sit down with three women of God who are each in totally different stages of life. I was utterly and completely content with the exact spot God had me tonight. It was incredible to sit down. the four of us women. all explicitly different stages/roles of life. but all connected with a deep love for God and passion for teaching girls about missions.

God is faithful. Pray for contentment. He won't change your circumstances. He will change your heart.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

#GIRLPROBLEMS

Have you seen the Garnier Fructis commercial on TV where the guys read out tweets/posts about some trying situation ending with #girlproblems. It's hilarious. Please watch it.

So much truth in that short three minute video. I laugh every time I watch it.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse with this one, but I'm still stuck on this oil change/mechanic complex thing from the weekend. It really got me to thinking about how hard it can be to be girl and how ill-equipped I sometimes feel as a girl.

Okay. okay. So I don't know anything about cars. or oil. or when I should actually get my air cabin filter changed. or how to change the battery in my car clicker. or anything else car-related for that matter.

I've had multiple negative experiences at dealerships and really anywhere mostly employed by men just because I was a girl there by myself. It never fails that I will end up calling my dad to run it all by him. It's like when men start talking about these things, my brain turns to mush. My brain cannot process a single word they are saying. #girlproblems

I'm a girl. I can't change that. God made me a girl. But it is hard to be a girl.

I've just never fit the mold of your average girl. There have definitely been moments of discontentment in some of my {lack of girl} qualities.

I'm an initiator. I'm a fixer. I'm very independent. forward. opinionated. and many other things that don't exactly qualify me as that Proverbs 31 woman.

I love taking the lead. It is easy for me. It is not easy for me to even think about the idea of submission.

These are not considered to be super qualities for a girl to possess. Oh and there is the visually obvious part of being ridiculously tall. Also not a feminine quality.

I could get caught up in discontentment over things I'm not. But I refuse. God must have some crazy plan for me the way that I am. I personally cannot wait to see what that is. And I sure hope this blog is still around when that happens for me to document it.

I can choose to dwell on the what ifs, the should haves, the wonder whats but instead I choose contentment. I choose Jesus.

Side note: I think I could have just posted one sentence every day for 31 days: I choose Jesus. But that might have gotten a little boring/redundant, so might as well throw in a little vulnerability and transparency while I'm at it.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

If You're Single & You Know It

you're probably not gonna clap your hands. I know my singleness doesn't typically never make(s) me want to clap much less be happy.

But. You had to know there was a but coming. In this write 31 days challenge, my end goal was contentment in my singleness. I haven't talked about it as of yet only because God has taken this in directions I never planned. I got a little sidetracked along the way with all the other areas of discontentment that God revealed to me. How delightful for me. What I've learned is that all these areas spill over into each other. When I choose joy and contentment in one area, it automatically overflows into the next area. No matter how many areas of discontentment I find, the answer never changes. God was/still is/always will be the only means to the end {contentment}.

The other night I was watching a wedding video {you know just to torture myself. however if you are in the wedding planning phase of life, please look into my sweet friend's company, Sami Sue Studios. you won't regret it. She is amazingly talented.} and sat there at the end of it with very mixed emotions {possibly fighting off tears}. I so wish/long/desire for that to be the phase of life that God has planned for me right now. I get emotional because it's beautiful. the love. the happiness. the joy. the commitment. the symbolism. the covenant. the picture of the Gospel. I love watching/celebrating/enjoying weddings for these reasons. But I also get emotional because there are so many things in my life that I think are within my control {italics note sarcasm} yet this is not one of them. Never has been and never will be. It makes my {stereotypical girl brain} so crazy with imaginary scenarios and elaborate fantasies of what my fictional wedding would look like. Back to reality. It's not real.

I really do have conflicted feelings about this. I am thankful for my singleness {I know you probably don't believe me}, but I truly am. Every time I drive cross state at the drop of a hat. or go for a run at the park with no accountability. eat a smart one for dinner. plan a trip out of the country for three weeks. sit at home in my comfy pjs watching endless hours of netflix. On the other hand, the battery on my car clicker thing is low and I don't know what to do to fix it. my car needed the oil changed and men are not nice to single females entering men's territory. going to weddings by myself.

The only way to find contentment in my singleness is to find my contentment in Jesus. Here I am. 25. single. so what.

I am abundantly thankful for the life that I've been given. for the source of contentment that I have found in Jesus.

Abba Father, my Prince of Peace, Lover of my Soul, singleness isn't/wasn't my choice, but singleness is worth it with You. I couldn't/can't do this alone. I need you to fill every desire/longing of my heart. Create in me a new heart that seeks contentment in You and You alone.  

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Make Me Content

Here we are. Last week of the write 31 days challenge. I'd be lying if I said this has been easy. It hasn't been easy at all. I has been challenging. It has been somewhat painful. Digging deeper into areas of discontentment. Targeting those areas of discontentment. Painful. This type of change is almost always painful.

Tonight as the roomie and I were driving home from church/football viewing party, this song came on the radio. The topic that came up was is this truly our prayer? Do we truly want God to make us broken? make us lonely? make us empty? 'til He's our one desire. one true love. my breath. my everything. That's something to think about as we head into a new/last week of the challenge. 

Keep Making Me
by Sidewalk Prophets

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

That last part/verse gets me. Make me lonely so I can be yours. 'til I want no one more than you, Lord.

That is my prayer this week.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Just A Glimpse {Round 4}

What would a day with Jesus look like?

Maybe a little like this.

There is truly no greater feeling than starting out the day with a cup of coffee and God's Word. Not gonna lie though. I put East Asian photos up to be the screen saver for appleTV. So therefore I spent half of my Jesus time smiling at all the memories I made this summer. The people who touched my heart. The moments that I can still see/experience if I just close my eyes. I laughed some. At the random thoughts that went through my mind. At the hilarious moments that I will never be able to forget. It sent joy rippling through my heart and soul this morning to relive some of my summer moments. God certainly showed up and showed out this summer. I believe He still is over there.

Errands. Not bad errands. but errands nonetheless took up most of my day. These were mostly good errands. You know the kind where you are looking forward to it because it's been in your mind for a while and you want to see it come to fruition.

First on the list. Get my feet/running/walking evaluated for a good pair of shoes. Have I mentioned yet that I'm gonna run a half marathon in a few short months? {cue small amount of panic} I have talked about running a lot on this blog, and I 100% feel closer to God when I run. Something about doing something that is totally out of my comfort zone. It forces me to rely on Him. For my next step. For my next breath even.

Second on the list. Oil change. Not my fave thing to do especially with ridiculous men in this world who think it's funny to pick on young, single girls who have no one to do things like this for them. These people are not my friend. I might have fought off an emotional outburst, but nonetheless, the task was accomplished.

Third on the list. Hobby Lobby. Oh not good. Not good at all. Don't get me wrong. It's great. wonderful. amazing. lovely. addicting. And makes me want to spend every dime that I have to my name. Not good. However this errand was to purchase some exciting new tools/supplies to start a new project that I hope to share with the blog world in the coming months. Stay tuned.

Fourth on the list. Run. Of course after getting some new kicks to jump start my half marathon training, I had to go for a run. I'm making progress, and it doesn't hurt that I have such a beautiful display of God's creation to enjoy while I run. Running truly is a therapeutic/spiritual growth experience for me. The running analogies have probably only begun.

There may have been a Starbucks, KMart, and Old Navy stop somewhere in there too.

God is faithful to continue these glimpses into true contentment.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Doing Some Backtracking

I feel like it is necessary for me to do some backtracking especially considering the over abundance of blog posts this month. When you are getting an everyday glimpse into my life, you may get some wrong impressions of my life. Maybe I haven't done a very good job of being clear about some things.

#1. I am not depressed. Not by any means. Sure I have my low moments, but I am far from depressed. I just want people to know that I struggle just like everyone else. I want people to know that despite my relationship with God, I have genuine/real problems. Choosing Christ is not a get out of hard times free card. From my experience, God has taught me so much from being real and honest about my life versus being fake and covering up my hurts and problems.

#2. I am not miserable. Not even close. I have really hard moments when things do seem bleak, but those moments are truly few and far between. I am occasionally overwhelmed with the stresses of life, but I live a very full and happy life.

#3. I am not crazy. I mean maybe I kind of am. But I am a radical follower of Jesus just not psychotic. I hope I haven't given that vibe ... although I do have my oddities.

Okay, I think that about covers it. My overall goal of each post is to bring it back around to Jesus despite the struggle. I struggle. I hurt. I have problems. I get sad. I cry.

BUT I have Jesus. I have joy. I have hope. I have peace. I have love. I have laughter. I have friends. I have family. I have an amazing life. I have contentment.

Even when things get hard. Even when I struggle. Even when I am painfully honest on here, I wear a smile on my face. Why? Because I have Jesus.

That's that. I have Jesus.

{Enter contentment}

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Mirror Mirror

Instead of the classic "mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all," mine sounds more like:

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, how many flaws can we find in all?"

Anyone else able to relate to that? Each time I look I ask the same question and get the same answers. I see the big hips. I see the bland colored hair and eyes. I see the large nose. I see the freakishly tall body. I see the fat. I see the cellulite. I see the acne scars. I see the imperfections. Every single one of them.

{Enter Discontentment. I've spent the majority of my life being discontent with what I see in the mirror. I've hated mirrors all my life. 

Side note: I started three posts at the beginning of the challenge to give me a head start before it all started. The topics were as follows: self-image, weight, and singleness. My top three areas of discontentment. You probably thought the worst was over with my discontentment posts, but you haven't seen anything yet. This is where it gets good. These are the three areas that plague me the most. 

So self-image. This isn't my first rodeo when it comes to blogging about this struggle. Feel free to just keep scrolling because I guarantee you won't hear anything too new.

Hear me say: I'm not seeking pity or compliments. I'm just being genuinely honest about the true state of my heart. I've spent my entire life surrounded by beautiful people. People who win beauty pageants. People who are admired for their skin, face, hair, etc. I love these people. so much. But I've just never quite measured up to their beauty. {comparison equals discontentment} I've never been the one who guys stop in their tracks to admire. I've never been the one who people would guess was a pageant girl. I know this.

But who am I to tell God He made a mistake? Who am I to question God? Who am I to be discontent with the way God created me?

You just can't beat the Psalm 139 passage. It is used quite often in this case. But I believe that is because of how truly powerful it is. God does not make mistakes and His Word says in the words of David:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body." {Psalm 139:13-16a NIV}

Did I mention that God doesn't make mistakes? He took the time to consider the color of my hair, the complexion of my skin, the length of my fingers, my exact height {all five foot eleven inches of me}, my build, and the shape of my figure. He made me exactly the way I am.

I have to recite these verses on a regular basis to remind myself that my view of my self-image is just that. My view. God did not make any mistakes on me.

my Creator, King of my heart, and Father God, show me how to be content with the way you made me. My reflection in the mirror will never meet earthly standards which makes it a good thing that I am held to Your standards. I thank you for creating/making/forming me the way that I am ... even tall, even oddly proportioned, even just me. Some days I lose sight of you, my Creator, but my prayer is that you always point me back to you. Show me the way to contentment.

Contentment is not found in my appearance/self-image. Contentment is found in Jesus.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Nothing New Here

This concept of discontentment is anything but new. It has actually been around since the fall of man. Since Eve took a bite of the forbidden fruit. Since sin entered the world. God is not surprised by my discontentment. He is not caught off guard by my discontent heart.

But He does call me to choose Him in those moments. He does expect me to surrender my longings/desires/wishes/plans to Him and Him alone.

In my morning quiet time, I have been reading through the Old Testament specifically in Genesis and Exodus. If you're looking for it, you'd probably be quite surprised by the number of accounts where discontentment jumps off the page.

For starters, there was Leah and Rachel. The story goes like this. Jacob {twin brother of Esau} ran for his life after he stole his brother's blessing from their father, Issac. Just a regular soap opera going on here in the Old Testament. He went to his his mother's {Rebekah: wife of Issac} brother to find a wife.

Cue Days of Our Lives {Bible Times}. Jacob was tricked into marrying the oldest daughter, Leah, when he thought he was marrying the other daughter, Rachel. Drama. Imagine working 7 years to marry this one person only to get to your wedding night and realize it's her sister. I can imagine there was a little anger, turmoil, jealousy, and favoritism going on there between this sordid crew.

Leah was discontent. Jacob didn't love her like he loved her sister. She was the second favorite wife. She was second priority. God gave her multiple children, but she couldn't have the one thing she wanted. The love of her husband.

Rachel was discontent. She was the favorite wife. Jacob loved her, cherished her, favored her, and preferred her over her sister. She couldn't have children. God had closed her womb. She couldn't have the one things she wanted. A child.

Don't you see the pattern here? They were both discontent. They both wanted what the other one had. They both had what the other one wanted.

Moral of the story: We will never be content with earthly things. God created our hearts, and He created them to be content/fulfilled/satisfied by Him alone. When we try to fill/satisfy it with other things is when we usher in discontentment.

Only the Creator of our hearts can satisfy the desires of our hearts. 

It's time to stop thinking the next thing will bring me contentment. No husband, life, job, city, home, cellphone, tv show, or food will bring me contentment.

Jesus will. He will bring me contentment if I just stop seeking these other things. And start seeking Him.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Everyday is a New Day

Tomorrow is a new day. I am not held down by chains of yesterday. I can't change yesterday or even what I've already lived today but I can claim victory over tomorrow in Jesus' name. It's about the daily surrender. 

Despite my fruitless toiling away over the last few days and maybe even the last week, I'm stepping out of that heart funk I had fallen into. I'm running to Jesus right now. At the end of my day, I choose to run to my safe place in His arms. 

The name of The Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe." {Proverbs 18:10 NIV}

I feel encouraged by the hope of a new beginning. Letting go of what I can't change and what is out of my hands is the best thing I can do right now. I have to release those things and surrender them into the hands of God. 

                          

Tonight I'm content with the process. Jesus tells us in His Word that in this world we will have trouble. We will have heartache. We will face hard times. We will struggle. But we must take heart. We must cling to the truth. We must run to our strong tower. For He has overcome the world. He has won the battle. He has claimed the victory over me. 

Today I recieved counsel from a very wise person who reminded me to surrender my plans/my desires/my purposes to the Lord each and every morning. 

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." {Proverbs 19:20-21 NIV}

I needed this verse so badly today. I'm content with God's purpose prevailing. It is well worth the wait. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

When Things Get Hard

Sometimes. Sometimes life gets hard. Sometimes it feels like I am falling apart. Sometimes it feels like my heart is in shambles. Sometimes I doubt myself and my past decisions. Sometimes I second guess my choices. Sometimes life makes my head hurt. Sometimes my heart just feels so heavy. 

Worn by Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired 
I'm worn 
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes 
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need 
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes 

                          

4 hours to Starkville. 30 minutes to Columbus. 1 hour to Tuscaloosa. 1 hour to Columbus. 30 minutes to Starkville. 2 hours to Olive Branch. And 5 hours to New Orleans. 

That's 14 total hours in my car. 12 of those with just me and my thoughts. I usually try to spend that time worshipping through song and prayer. And I did some of that in those 12 hours. But my heart was so muddled by emotions from the family events going on already that I practically left the door open for discontentment. I might as well have put out a welcome mat. 

Once the discontentment entered, a downward spiraling conversation with my own heart ensued. How could you be content/satisfied/happy in these current circumstances? I feebly responded. I have Jesus. But you're not even good enough to be more important than money or possessions so what good does Jesus do you? I have Jesus. An even quieter response. You're not even confident in the choices you've been making, so why do you even bother trusting Jesus? A whisper this time. I have Jesus. How will you ever find contentment in Jesus when you fall every few steps you take? Silence. I had no fight left in me. Nothing I could say to refute my failures. 

But then in the corner of my eye, a ray of sunlight from the setting sun fell across my face. I felt God caress my heart in that moment. I heard His voice over the lies. I heard the truth. He surrounded me with His presence. He said, run to Me, my child. 

I may not have the clarity I would like to have for my current circumstances, but when things get hard, I will run to Jesus. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

That "Coming Home" Feeling

There were times that I thought I would never feel that again. That "coming home" feeling when you return to a place that served as home. I really thought that the "home" concept was a thing of the past. 

I've actually spent many years being discontent with my lack of a "home." Grenada was really the only home I'd ever known. With every year that passed, it felt less like home. 

I felt a little lost through college not having a home. But there were technically many places I could call home. I just didn't connect with any of those places. 

I wasn't happy with that lack of home but what choice did I really have. 

Discontentment was reigning in my heart at that time. Then I finally found a home at Longview Heights Baptist Church. Once I started putting forth the effort to be involved and get to know people, God blessed that tenfold. I was finally content with my home. I was so content. 

But then God called me to leave my home. Also know as my contentment. 

For a while now, I have definitely been struggling with this leaving home part as an area of discontentment. I love my church and the people who have impacted my life here. That place stole my heart with such loving and wonderful people. 

Today as I got to visit and see people that I haven't seen in a couple months, I had that "coming home" feeling. 

Even though it is hard that I had to leave home, I am finding contentment in that "coming home" feeling. That is such a great feeling to have. To be surrounded by love is to be home.

                       

I don't think I truly knew that until now. I didn't grow up in Olive Branch. Really I have only been there officially for the last year and a half. For a while I allowed that to be an area of discontentment that I didn't have a place to call home anymore.  The number one thing I was missing was God's role in all of it. When will I learn that everything falls into place when every part of my life is submitted under His control? 

His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. He has plans far exceeding anything I could come up with. 

Contentment is found in Jesus. Not my home or lackthereof. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Just a Glimpse {Round 3}

I don't know what it is about Saturdays/weekends, but I just feel contentment wash over me on the weekends. I tend to take more time to count my {many, many} blessings on the weekends when I step away from the mild stress of weekday work and schedules. I love the freedom of the weekend and the privilege I have to jump in my car and take part in special events in my loved ones' lives. 

This weekend started out with my favorite second family. This precious family took me in during grad school {aka the dark days} and loved me like their own which was an immeasurable blessing in my life. 

                      

We have this tradition that every time I come into town, we make an ice cream run to Kroger. These girls are so special to me and the little sisters I never had. 

                      

This morning I got to attend my {not so little anymore} Laura Hope's first piano recital. She played Jesus Loves Me, and my favorite part was watching her sing along as she played, because this little girl knows that Jesus loves her. 

                      

I got to celebrate this best friend of mine and her upcoming wedding. She's getting married in just two weeks. I could not be any more excited for her. She is going to be a beautiful bride and an amazing Godly wife. 

Then I had the privilege of watching the sun set over Starkville and West Point. God is so good. 

         

         

            

         

         

         

I am so in awe of God and His creativity. That was Him. All Him. He made that sunset. He crafted those clouds. That sun. Those colors. It is all His work. That's the same God who made me and loved me. 

Today has been emotional as my family moved my grandparents out of the home that they have lived in my entire life and almost all of their married life. It's the place where we have had many adventures, countless memories, and treasured holiday/family gatherings. It's hard to let go of those earthly things, but it is time to let go in order to take care of my grandparents. 

                       

The day ended with this little one in my arms. I don't think these little boys even know how much I miss them on a daily basis. But today is what I have. I will treasure and gather up these moments in my heart and my mind until next time. 

God has shown me how to find contentment in the blessings He has bestowed on me. How very gracious of Him. Watching the sun set on my drive home to surprise my family tonight just served as a reinforcement of the contentment I have found. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Silver Lining

Don't ask me how this thought came to me. It can only be contributed to the good Lord above, because even as I am currently typing, I'm not entirely sure where this post is going.

As I was running yesterday, I had a thought. Is there any positive side of discontentment? That's a strange thought, isn't it? Well, welcome to the every day thought process of Jenna. It's exhausting.

Of course {in my mind} my first response {to myself} to that thought was absolutely not.

But then I stopped {my thoughts not running} and really pondered over this. As I  was running while watching the sunset over the Mississippi River, trying to slow down my breathing, and talking to God about this oh so important subject to me {I'm a pro multi-tasker}, another thought hit me.

I am discontent with my heart, my sin, my attitudes, my selfishness, this life. I'm gonna call this a holy discontentment. I feel like I've heard this terminology around the block somewhere and feel sure there is some actual definition for it, but I'm gonna make my own today.

I believe there is a distinct difference between being discontent with our earthly lives/pleasures/happiness and being discontent with  the state of our world, children starving, human trafficking, the lostness of our world. This type of holy discontentment spurs us on to do something. to take action. to show love to others.

Another facet of my holy discontentment concept is a deeper longing for something more only filled by Jesus and a yearning for eternity in the presence of God/His second coming.

I'm discontent with being a mediocre Christian. This is a good thing. I hope I am never content with where I am in my walk with Him. I can't believe that I am about to type this out but discontentment can be a good thing. Especially when it leads me to seek out the Lord to fill that inner longing.  

Discontentment that leads me to the feet of Jesus cannot be a bad thing.

The silver lining of this is encouraging to me. I do believe living in ignorance of discontentment in our lives is very dangerous, because obviously that's not leading us to Jesus for fulfillment. I pray that we are always aware and diligently examining our own hearts to determine our true motives and how we can replace the me with Him.

Lord, please use my holy discontentment to impact the world around me for your glory.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

The Long Haul

I am not one to sprint. I love running. It clears my head. Gives me time and space to think and spend time talking to God. I could go out there and run as hard as I can to the finish line but the finish line is nearly 5 miles in the distance. I would lose steam after about oh I don't know five seconds of sprinting. I'm all about the jog to endure the distance. Or the long haul. 

For the first two decades of my life, I either refused or loathed running, so to say that I'm not fast is probably a vast understatement. I'm what you might compare to the turtle. Who might I add in the end of the story wins the race. Beside the point. It's unrealistic to expect myself to sprint to the contentment finish line. I would grow weary fast and give up. So pointless. 

Slow and steady will get to that proverbial finish line. I feel God telling me to slow down and take it one day at a time. He is so faithful. I have seen countless answered prayers just in the last 16 days of this journey specifically related to my contentment. 

                      

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive perishable wealth, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified." 

{1 Corinthians 9:24-27, ESV}

I'm not giving up. I'm gonna set my jogging pace and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

Halfway to Forever

I'd like to say this challenge is halfway over and that in fifteen days I will be cured of discontentment. But we all know that to be untrue.

I couldn't feel it today. I started this day like I have the past fifteen with good quality time with the Lord. But today I just felt off. 

I wanted more. I wanted to walk away. I wanted to not have to worry about things. I wanted some rest. I wanted.

                  

I'm about being truthful on here, and today there was no magical contentment moment. I felt so weary. A deep down weary that is stifling, heavy, and unwelcome. 

It's not like anyone can look at me and know I'm discontent in that moment. It's such a heart issue, and really I'm a pro at hiding those. 

But I don't want to hide it. Halfway to 31 days: yes. Halfway to contentment: I'd say no. Halfway to forever: always. This journey of drawing closer to Jesus is forever. 

I may not have felt the overwhelming sense of contentment today but praise God, I have hope for tomorrow. I have hope for a forever spent in relationship with Him. Because he called me to Himself. And I made a decision to follow. 

God is purifying me. Making me more like Himself. In order to refine silver, you put it into the fire until the Creator's reflection is seen. Some days feel like I'm in the fire. But the fire is worth it, if I am showing God's reflection somewhere along the way. 

Today I'm just gonna run into the arms of Jesus. 

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}

I May Be

I may be doing work at home {which is typically against my life rules}. I may be stressed to the max. I may be scared of failing. I may be overwhelmed to potential tears. I may be a complete mess. I may be a whole lot of things that aren't necessary to type out here for you. 

But I am NOT going to let this steal my peace. I am NOT going to let this take away my contentment. 

This morning in my devotional {SheReadsTruth ... if you haven't heard of it, you should check it out here}, the key verse was 1 Peter 5:12b.

"This is the true grace of God. Stand firm in it."

I felt so much peace as I meditated on that verse this morning. Recapping the book of 1 Peter, I stand firm in the hope God gives, the call to be holy like Him, my adoption as a child of God,  freedom of life in Christ.

Tonight as I allowed the cool, fall breeze blow in through our balcony door, breathed in the sweet scent of my marshmallow fireside candle, set my feet up on the coffee table, pressed play on my current Netflix show, and opened my work laptop to do more work, I knew God was with me in this moment. Even if this moment isn't my idea of contentment.

I seek contentment from God. Not my circumstances.

How many times do I have to repeat that to get it into my head? Okay. Well, I will keep trying.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}