Welcome to Reality

Do you ever wake up from a dream and close your eyes really quickly, squeeze them shut, and hope that you can return for just a moment longer to enjoy something that never happens in reality? And after lying completely still for about three solid minutes in hopes of returning to those few moments of bliss, you give up in hopelessness. The dream is gone ... as gone as yesterday's news. How depressing. It wasn't real. I very rarely have dreams that I can remember much less get so deeply involved that I mistake it for reality, but when I do have them, they are intense and so real it would seem I could actually reach out and touch ... and actually feel something. I know this is a little strange, but true nonetheless. I honestly don't know why or how I fall into this trap every time, but somehow I do. The worst part is waking up, looking at your alarm clock, and realizing that it was all just a dream. Let's just say ... only in my dreams. Dreams are great, but when we get so caught up in dreams, we lose sight of the joys of reality. Although reality isn't always what we would choose, shouldn't we be okay with the fact that reality is exactly where God wants us. Reality is that God has a special plan for our lives. I think that is my greatest struggle to accept the reality I have been given. Back a couple months ago, I was driving (which seems to be all that I do these days) back from my cousin's birthday party, and I was just making my way down the interstate. As I looked up ahead of me, I saw some really strange form on the road. At first it resembled a huge monster, then I convinced myself it was an eighteen wheeler on the back of an eighteen wheeler, and THEN I decided it was really a monster. I was so confused, and I just could NOT figure out what it was. Finally, as I drove closer to it, there it was (plain as day).... a golf cart. Really? A golf cart? I did not see that one coming. Isn't that life though? We see things from miles away and make a judgement based on the distorted view we have, but as we get closer, the whole picture seems to become clearer. This happens to me so often in life, and I feel like it can really apply to the topic of choice which is ... duh! marriage. As singles, we look at marriage as this amazing, perfect, and wonderful thing that just completes life, but in reality, it has its hardships, troubles, and heartaches same as singleness. We have such a bad habit of distorting reality into what our eyes are telling us we see versus seeing it for what it really is.

This whole semester has passed by in a blur, and God has taught me so much throughout this new experience. Grad school is a great distraction which is probably a good and bad thing. On one hand, it distracts me so well that I don't even have time to think about my state of singleness. Actually, it reminds me why I am single considering how swamped I felt between class, homework, clinic, and everything else in the SLP world. On the other hand, I got so busy and distracted that I just stopped dealing with it altogether which I realize isn't exactly the right answer to the problem either. It's an easy out, and I know it. Will the struggle ever end? I doubt it. Do I want it to? No. The more I struggle, the closer I grow to God. Everyone has their struggles, and I'm just gonna have to accept mine for what it is, allow God to use it to strengthen our relationship and teach me to find contentment in every stage of life. Nothing too philosophical tonight, but just laying my heart out there. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Revelation

Revelations. And no I don't mean the book of the Bible. I mean that moment when something that has perplexed you, baffled you, or even just confused you for a period of time and all of a sudden, it hits you ... CLARITY. I love those moments of clarity hence loving revelations. You can probably guess where this one is going, huh?

I had a revelation recently, and for no other reason besides just being my typical self and not EVER being able to completely stop thinking about the whole marriage thing, I found new clarity behind my distorted way of thinking. Yep, you totally saw that one coming, huh? Well, this is good, so you're gonna want to keep reading.

Wedding Day by Casting Crowns ...
There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bridgegroom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white

And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white head to toe
But only he can make it so

When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
and says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you long to see
Is written on his face
Love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day

She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign
On that Wedding Day

I hope you took the time to read those lyrics, because it was the basis of my whole revelation. What a song. I tear up every time I hear it, because it holds such a strong promise for all of those girls (including me) out there believing that an earthly prince charming exists and will come galloping in on his white horse.
Whether or not I ever get married or even have the wedding I've always dreamed of, I AM promised a wedding day. A wedding day with Christ. I should probably leave the bulk of this post to the lyrics instead of adding my words which cannot even begin to compare to the picture conveyed by the words above, but then it's me we're talking about here, so here is my two cents.

What little girl hasn't dreamed of her wedding day? The beautiful, white dress. The flowers. The friends. The family. The love. These dreams will come true one day. The day I take my final breath on this earth and am ushered to the gates of heaven. The first thing I see as I walk that aisle is the eternal Prince of Peace waiting for me. The only one who has ever looked at me and said, "I love you with an unconditional love that sees past all of your failures, shortcomings, imperfections, and disappointments. I see you for who you are. The bride of Christ. I have laid down my life for yours, and there's nothing you could ever do to earn or deserve this sacrifice I made for you. Come just as you are, and I will clothe you in my righteousness. You are my Father's beautiful creation." Despite the shame and remorse for yesterday, I know I have finally reached my wedding day (side note: I realize there was probably some deeper theological meaning intended for this song a.k.a. the uniting of the church with Christ at his second coming, but this is just what God has placed in my heart).

This has brought such peace and contentment to my heart that it is difficult to articulate with words. Each day is a struggle to trust God with everything from the biggest things to the littlest things.

Now that school is out, I hope to share more of my God moments from this semester.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Bringing Good Cheer

Christmas is my most favorite time of the year. Not only because of the giving and receiving of presents or all the delicious food and desert, but because people are generally nicer around the holidays, the music on KLOVE reminds me of the true reason we celebrate, and who could forget the bonding time with the fam?

I walked into Wal-Mart tonight, and lo and behold, there was a Christmas tree. I felt immediate joy and delight upon seeing such a beautiful sight. Trees, decorations, lights, and sparkly ornaments bring all of my wonderful memories flooding back, and it serves as a constant reminder of my first Christmas spent in China when I realized the world does go on and the season isn't about me but about Jesus Christ.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

But Christmas also brings some hard times and sadness. There's always the change that comes with growing up. Things aren't the way they used to be. Siblings grow up and start new lives with their spouses and more families; meanwhile, I'm left trying to figure out where I fit into the new picture that we call family. In addition to changes, there is the loss of family members who were the the mainstays of so many past holidays. The days of Christmas past in the home of my Mamaw and Papaw are days that I will never forget, but they will never be the same without them. Not a day will pass that I won't miss them or thank God for the memories I did have with them. On top of all these things, Christmas always seems to bring out the relationship/marriage card. I bet you didn't see that one coming .... haha! Holidays always remind me that once again I am alone and without the one thing that seems to complete everyone else's holiday season.

"An insecure woman has her world centered on something (marriage) or someone (Mr. Right) that can be lost or taken away. Insecurity keeps a woman from experiencing consistent joy even within a relationship because a man cannot provide security, only God can." How true this is. I have to stop the "woe me" and "pity me" attitude during the holidays. So what that I am alone in one respect, but I am surrounded by a family who loves me and cherishes me. Just ask them. I may be one of the most talkative in the family, one of the most stubborn, and one of the most unusual members of my family, but they love me ... I know they do. I also have the love my Heavenly Father who has always been by my side and always will be. What more could I ask for during one of the most joyous times of the year?

"No man, not even a husband, can fill the need you have for secure love. Only Jesus who "is the same yesterday and today, and forever," will never disappoint or fail you (Heb. 13:8)." Let me preface all of this with the fact that this is a pep talk to myself and is only meant to serve as a way to share what God is teaching me and how He is molding my heart to be more like His during this time in my life. I can find this secure love in Jesus Christ alone ... not a husband. I have to stop waiting to live my life when I have a husband by my side. This is not a death sentence but a chance to live my life exactly the way God wants me to.

"Turn to your heavenly Father now. Pour out your heart's longing to be loved. See His arms open wide and His empty lap ready to embrace and hold you near. He considers you dear. He longs to give you satisfying love. Perhaps He does desire to give you a man to love also. But the man you marry cannot meet your need for security. Only God's love brings security." Do you hear Him calling you? because I do! I hear Him telling me to let go and fall into His loving arms. I close my eyes, and let my imagination do the rest ... I can crawl into His lap and let Him hold me close, wrapped in His arms as He comforts me with His promises. I am feeling more secure by the moment!

"He longs for you to be secure in His love. He wants to protect, lead, and love you. To develop security, give your heart and emotions to the Lord." Amen and amen. I can say amen, but actually doing it is a whole 'nother story. This holiday season, I am going to practice what I preach. I will give my heart and emotions to the Lord and rest in the security of His love.

"To build security into your life, spend time in God's Word. Proverbs 1:33 says to listen to God and live securely. As you do, you will find out what God is really like -- what His character is -- not just what you think or have heard He is like. You will be surprised at how differently He sees you than what you have thought."
And where else should I start but His word? God is so much more than what we can wrap our minds around, but He does give us a glimpse into His character through His word.

Here's where I am going to start:
"In First Peter 2:4, God says you are choice and precious to Him. He calls you precious, honored, loved. and His redeemed one in Isaiah 43:1-6. Isaiah43:7 says you were created for His glory. You are very special to God -- so special that He plans for you: 'plans for [your] welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope' (Jer. 29:11b)."
"You are accepted (Rom. 15:7); you are not condemned (Rom. 8:1); and you are His child (Jn. 1:12). you are also the temple of God (1 Cor. 3:17). He is your adequacy (2 Cor. 3:5) and He leads you in His triumph (2 Cor. 2:14)."

Just wanted to share my thoughts and more importantly some Scripture.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People ...

Why do bad things happen to good people?

This is an age-old question which I'd say has plagued every human being in the world especially Christians. We all believe that God is good, and we all believe that Jeremiah 29:11 is true that God does truly have a plan for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future. If we believe this to be true, it begs the question, why do bad things happen to good people? If our God is so good and has good plans for our lives, how can these bad things happen to us?

When I was in junior high, I struggled with this. I just couldn't understand why the good people around me were facing such bad things. I asked God this exact question. I asked Him to tell me why. I asked Him to show me, and He did.

Why do bad things happen to good people? His answer to me: Mr. Ricky Jones.

This man loved his church, loved his family, and loved all people, but most of all, he loved his God. I don't know all the specific details about all that he endured during his lifetime, but I know that he had diabetes and probably many other health complications which in the end took his life my senior year of high school. When I was young, he was a picture of health as far as I knew, and he was the brightest light shining for Christ. As a young girl, I wanted to be around him, talk to him, and give him hugs. He ALWAYS had a smile on his face,and I came to expect a smile and hug from him every time I saw him. As I grew older, my mom would tell me that Mr. Ricky was very sick, that he had to have surgery, or that he was in the hospital. I knew things weren't good, but I didn't fully understand what was going on. What I did know was that he was sick, and I expected him to be unhappy, discouraged, sad, or angry. That's what I had seen others do when faced with such hard times, but Mr. Ricky was not others. No matter if they amputated his foot or confined him to a wheelchair, that smile never left his face. He continued to praise God even through the storms of life. To the world, he had every right to disown God and be angry with his circumstances, but not Mr. Ricky. He knew God's plan was good and perfect. He knew something that I didn't understand. I understand now as I think back on the impact he had on my life. I hugged his neck every time I saw him, and instead of complaining about his life and troubles, he asked me how he could pray for me. He always knew when something was heavy on my heart, and he always reminded me that God answers prayers and to NEVER stop praying.

His positive and Godly reaction to the BAD gave me the answer to this perplexing question.
First, I had to realize that we live in a fallen world where bad things are going to happen. This world is not perfect, and it hasn't been since Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden. This is a constant that will not change and will continue to affect us.
Second, I had to realize that this life is not about me or us or anybody ... it is all about God and bringing Him glory. He WILL use the bad to bring Him glory, and that is really all that matters.
Third, to this very day, I think about him every time someone around me is faced with something bad. He set an example for me, and to this day, I can look to God in the midst of storms in this life and put a smile on my face. I want my life to glorify God, and I will learn to accept the good and the bad ... knowing that how I react could impact someone's life forever and possibly even for the kingdom.

God is good.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Rescue Me

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 'I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.'" Jeremiah 17:7-10

My words are insufficient, but God's words always convey what I can't. Makes sense, huh? If not, He wouldn't be God! Have you ever noticed how everyone tells you to follow your heart? Well, according to this verse, I'm gonna go with NEGATIVE on that one. I've been following my heart into hopelessness, self-pity, loneliness, unnecessary rejection, and a million other places God never intended for me to go. I want to be like this tree ... trusting God first and foremost ... it does not fear when the heat comes, it has no worries in a year of drought, and it never fails to bear fruit. Oh how I long to be like this tree. Instead, I spend my time "following my heart," not God. What am I thinking? All of this reminds me of two of my absolute favorite songs in high school by Codie and Josie. First of all, "Rescue Me" was pretty much my most listened to song in the ole green mazda 626, and the words became the cry of my heart.

I wanna step out of me, run away from myself
I wanna chase after you and nothing else
You rescued me, now I'm safe by your side
You were always there with your arms open wide
Rescue me ... from myself
If I'm as close to you as I want to be, God, I'm not satisfied
I wanna be closer, closer to you, closer to you and further from me

Amazing, right? I need God to rescue me from myself and my deceitful heart. I have believed all of these lies that my heart has told me. For example, "It's okay to dwell on who I think I should marry, about the wedding, and about every single detail of our lives together." LIE. My heart tells me that this is okay, but it's not. The only thing I want to dwell on is my Savior, my God. When I dwell on these material/worldly things, I sabotage my relationship with Christ. He wants my whole heart not just the portion that I am willing to give him today that I'm not reserving for that future non-existent Prince Charming. How great is it that God will rescue us from ourselves, and not only that, but He will be standing there with His arms open wide.

The other song is called "Different," and it just sums up my thoughts about what I want my life to say ...

I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you. Not like me that's not what I wanna be. I wanna be different. I wanna be just like you, cuz that's what you called me to.
How can I let others see that this world is not what you made it to be ... I can be different. I can be just like you.

This is what I want. I want to be different. Different than the world. Different than the stereotypical "Christian." Different than the lukewarm followers. Different than the status quo. I want to be just like Christ.

"So I went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him. Then the word of the Lord came to me: 'O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel'" Jeremiah 18:3-6

I see God doing this in my life sometimes ... especially through my times of "control-freak" mode where I try to plan out my entire life and continue on to watch my plan fall to a million pieces. As God has me on the wheel, and I am marred (due to my own attempts to do things on my way). What else does God do, but take me as I am and shape my life into what seems best to Him ... forming my life to His will (where it should've been in the first place).

I'm not sure where this all came from, but it was definitely just the ponderings of my heart tonight. All for the glory of God.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Overwhelmed

"The choice remains with you, dear princess. Your Father will not force you to turn from the window, but He longs to fellowship with you. Come into His chambers, delight in His Presence. May you be found in Him -- a Lady of Devotion."

This is by far my most favorite quote from the entire book, Lady in Waiting. It gives such an amazing visual of what it is like to have intimate fellowship with the Lord. I'm reminded of the song we sang at Garaywa in the summer of '08. I don't know the title of the song or who sings it, but it just about moves me to tears every time I hear it ...

I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
Your love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming

When I close my eyes, I see myself standing out on the balcony of a castle that you see in one of those sappy romantic movies that I've watched a million times, and I'm staring out into the distance. I'm probably rotating between multiple of my nervous habits such as biting my cheeks, twisting my rings, or as Brooke likes to so often point out just moving nonstop especially with my hands. As I'm pacing out on the balcony and peering into the sunset of another day gone by in which my Prince Charming is nowhere to be found, I hear God say, "Jenna, please come and sit with me." Day after day, He makes this plea for me to turn away and return to His chambers. Night after night, He asks me to join Him in an intimate relationship. For so long, I have refused thinking my post on the castle wall was far too important and necessary to see what I was missing out on. These are such treasured days in my life where I can wholeheartedly devote my heart, mind, soul, and strength to serving God. My heart has always been so distracted by what I thought I was missing out on regarding earthly love that I missed out on the best part of all which is fellowshipping with my Heavenly Fiance. He is the Lover of my soul and my Prince of Peace ... what more could I ever need.

Before I go, I wanted to share my God moment for the day. I was driving back to my apartment for like the 5th time today, and I think I go a different way every time for no particular reason. As I was heading down one of the back streets, I focused my mind on the familiar stop sign at the end of the whole street, and I was headed for that stop sign no matter what. Before I knew it, I snapped out of my trance and realized there was a stop sign in less than 50 feet. I slammed on my brakes despite the fact that there were no cars anywhere to be seen, and it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been so focused on that stop sign at the end of the road that I almost ran the stop sign right in front of my face. I do this so often in my life ... I get so focused on that next big goal (for this blog's purpose, a.k.a. marriage) that I miss out on the right now and what God has in store for me today. I don't want to do that anymore. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new chapter for me. GRAD SCHOOL. Instead of focusing on graduation day in May 2013, I'm going to keep my eyes open for what God is doing now.

Got a little off topic tonight, but I hope this makes sense to at least one person. It would make it all worthwhile. To God be the glory.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Princess in Training

"To marry a prince, you must first become a princess. To marry into royalty, you must be appropriately prepared ... Is it any wonder that a heavenly princess must prepare inwardly for the calling to which she will give her life? As you set your attention on developing godly character, Christ will change you into the beautiful princess He created you to be."

I know what some of you are thinking ... the whole princess concept is quite dated, somewhat childish, and overly dramatic, but hear me out. I'm not talking about some Disney princess who is stupid enough to bite into an apple from a complete stranger (I mean, come on, didn't anyone ever tell her not to accept candy from strangers?) or some snobby, rich girl who gets everything she could ever want plus more. NO, I am talking about the daughters of the KING OF KINGS. When we are born into the kingdom, we become co-heirs with Christ, we are the sons and daughters of the KING. Did you hear that clearly? We are princes and princesses of our Heavenly Father who sits on the throne of grace. Don't you see ... no matter how cliche this all sounds, it brings me great joy and hope. As a princess of the King of Kings, I want to make Him proud and have him look at me one day and say, "well done, my princess."

The other day I was eating lunch with a dear friend who has always inspired me to follow harder after Christ. She always has this Godly wisdom to share, and God always uses her to clarify things in my walk with Him. As we shared about our respective summer trips and our freakishly similar struggles, she told me how God is working in her life and ways she is growing closer to Him. She told me she is taking each aspect of the definition of love one month at a time. For example, she is working on patience this month (God bless her for that one! haha!), and next month she will focus on kindness. I know God has put her friendship in my life for a reason, and I deeply respect and admire her for her passion for Christ. When she was telling me about this plan, it made me think about this fourth chapter of Lady in Waiting. She is truly a "Lady of Virtue."

"Are you becoming a virtuous woman that a man may need as a helpmate? Are you using these days to develop godliness in order that, if asked, you will be ready? Whether you marry or not, every woman should seek the virtues of Christlikeness."

Like a true friend, she has inspired me to start a quest of my own. I'm going to take the fruits of the spirit and divide them up over this school year (starting in September) to seek the virtues of Christlikeness.

"It is the Holy Spirit, not [me], who produces the godly character [I] seek. These pearls of character are listed in Galations 5:22-23 as '... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...' As these qualities develop, [my] life will become more like a beautiful necklace strung with pearls of godly character."

I want my life to more closely reflect the image of Christ, and I know there is no better way than to start on this journey of becoming the princess of God. My prayer is that God uses this for His glory and His glory alone.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30

Learning to Love,
Jenna

The Pursuit of God

What would happen if we all pursued God the same way we pursue earthly relationships? I mean when I really think about this, it blows my mind. What if I craved God-time the way I do people time? OR even better ... what if I longed for and desired God as much as I long for and desire a husband and kids? What if my entire day/week/life revolved around staying up late to talk to God, chatting all throughout the day, and anticipating each and every conversation? I think about this a lot. What if I treat Christ as my heavenly bridegroom and pour my love and attention on Him as if we were in an intimate relationship? How glorious would life be if I pursued God the way I pursue a relationship.

I've been reading A.W. Tozer's book, "The Pursuit of God," and I must say that it has been truly enlightening. If you haven't read it, you should. For the past 10 years or so of my life I have refused to read books in the Christian living section in bookstores which I perceived as "self-help" books. The way I saw it, I had the only "self-help" book I needed ... the Bible. Over the past year, God has shown me that although the Bible is the most important book ever and should be top priority on my reading list, He does use His followers to impart the wisdom that He has so graciously bestowed on them. There have been so many times in my life that I thought that I was the only person going through the fire, drowning in the waves, or struggling to take another breath, yet there is a network of believers out there who have sruggled with the same thing and want to help others see God's face through the flames, the waves, and the darkness. There are things in my life that I haven't even realized that were hindering my relationship with God until it was pinpointed as certain things leading to problems in someone else's life. Anyway, needless to say, I have become a huge fan of these "Christian Living" books.

Back to "The Pursuit of God" ... I deeply respect and admire people who are good with words especially since I am not one of those people, so I love when people can make sense of things that I can't fully wrap my mind around ... this is how I see A.W. Tozer. He just has this way with words, and the things that I have always wanted to say, he says so eloquently and perfectly.

"When religion has said its last word, there is little that we need other than God Himself. The evil habit of seeking God-and effectively prevents us from finding God in full revelation. In the 'and' lies our great woe. If we omit the 'and' we shall soon find God, and in Him we shall find that for which we have all our lives been securely longing. We need not fear that in seeking God only we may narrow our lives or restrict the motions of our expanding hearts. The opposite is true. We can well afford to make God our All, to concentrate, to sacrifice the many for the One."

I want to run in full pursuit of God with no distractions. I am going to pursue God like a man pursues water in the desert. I must pursue God with all of my heart.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Grace for the Moment

Meet my four best friends ... Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress. They have been my closest companions since childhood, and I remember exact moments in my life when I met my friends.

Let's see ... I met Fear at the early age of 6 right after my family moved to Grenada. We were living in our rental house on Carroll Street which was already a creepy house as it was, but shortly after we moved in, my brother decided it was a good idea to make me watch Chucky a.k.a. Child's Play. This is the first time I remember becoming so close to my friend, Fear, and unfortunately, he has clung to my side ever since. He followed me into my adolescence, my preteen and teen years, and even into my young adulthood. He still likes to linger around corners, and he never seems to get tired of hanging around me.

I met Worry quite a few times before this one particular moment, but the first time Worry and I became friends was in 8th grade when my parents told me that my mom was having tests run to confirm their suspicions of colon cancer or Crohn's disease. Worry accompanied me into one of the worst encounters of my life. Worry held my hand and reminded me to dwell on every worst case scenario possible. He helped me underestimate God, and in these horrifying days and weeks, we began a friendship that has grown stronger through the years.

Anxiety was an unwelcome friend around the same time as Worry, but Anxiety really caught me off guard. I was in junior high, and the time was approaching for my first Cotillion (which is a club I was in where the girls/members have to ask guys to be their dates 2 times a year). I only got in because my sister had gotten in, and had I known it would be the start of my new friendship with Anxiety, I might've declined it all together. This is when Anxiety began to whisper in my ear that I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, popular enough, or even good enough for a guy to want be my date. Anxiety knew the exact tactics to consume me.

Finally, there is my friend Stress who was and is the one who causes me the most trouble in my college years. I don't think Stress and I were very close until I graduated high school. Since then, Stress has marred almost every decision, test, and change that has come my way over the past 4 1/2 years. Stress told me that our friendship was normal and that all college students were this close. He told me that as long as I kept him close that I would be one step closer to accomplishing everything on my task list. He made me think that procrastination was actually a good idea. He has been my constant companion for far too long.

Anyway, now that I've introduced you to all of my friends, it is time for me to finally sever ties. I have held on to Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress because I wasn't placing my trust in the right place. It was easier (at the time) to turn to them in all situations than to turn to God.

In Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light," he says "God isn't going to let you see the distant scene either. So you might as well quit looking for it. He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future. We do not need to know what will happen tomorrow. We only need to know he leads us and 'we will find grace to help us when we need it'(Heb. 4:16 NLT)."

Satan keeps attacking me with the "what ifs" about school, work, my nonexistent love life, and the list goes on. Over the summer, just thinking about grad school made me want to throw up, and I've already expressed my feelings about my single life. I can so easily get caught up in my same ole friends Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress, OR I can choose to follow this ... "Meet today's problems with today's strength. Don't start tackling tomorrow's problems until tomorrow. You do not have tomorrow's strength yet. You simply have enough for today." (Matthew 6:34 speaks for itself on this matter)

I am trusting that God will give me grace for the moment. I know I will be tempted to reunite with these old friends, but life is so much easier when I rely on God to give me His grace which will help me through it all. I just love the idea of God giving me His grace each and every moment. It sounds like a much more pleasant experience than good ole Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Stress.

So long, my friends ... I'm loving God's grace for the moment way too much to even take a glimpse back over my shoulder. This is how it is supposed to be. Sweet surrender.

Learning to love,
Jenna

Truth

What is truth? Jesus says, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Don't you just love the truth? We don't always like to hear the truth, but ultimately, the truth sets us free. When we were little, our parents drilled in our minds to tell the truth, and no matter how much the truth might hurt to tell it or even to hear it, it breathes life into our hearts and minds. I said I wanted to be truthful about the good and the bad, so that's what I'm going to do...

This is the truth about me. Being alone scares me to death. Just thinking about spending the rest of my life with no one to share it with makes me want to cry. I fear what people will think of me if I never get married. I feel unworthy of love and inadequate. Most days I feel like something is wrong with me ... that I'm just not good enough. If I let go of my dreams of marriage and children, I'm scared I can't trust God to fulfill my heart's every desire(don't worry ... He already knows these things whether I type it out or not, so don't think this is new to Him). I'm terrified that I will have to live the single life in America with people staring at me wondering where I went wrong and pitying me for what I don't have. I fear a life spent wondering "what if" and "how come." I don't want to be the "chosen" single one who has to sit back and watch every last one of her friends find "Mr. Right." Well, that's the truth about what runs through my mind on a regular basis, but don't commit me to an insane asylum just yet ... Keep reading!

This is the truth about God. Truth. God loves me. Truth. God has a plan for me. Truth. God is the only one who can ever give me true happinesss and contentment. Truth. God is my Prince Charming(a.k.a. Prince of Peace). Truth. God will take my burdens and give me rest. Truth. God is all I ever need. Truth. God will guard my heart and mind. Truth. God will never leave me nor forsake me. Truth. God is my refuge and shelter. Truth. God will uphold me. Truth. God hears my every prayer and answers each one as well. Truth. God is a sure and steadfast anchor of my soul. Truth. God is able to do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. Truth. God makes all things new. Truth. God is the Author and Perfector of my faith. Truth. God's unfailing love never ends. Truth. God is TRUTH.

Now the struggle I face is replacing my truth with God's truth. Obviously His truth is by far the better option, but it has taken me a long time to build the truth that has come to define my inner thoughts. It's not worth it anymore to dwell on my truth, because God's truth will set me free. This is what I long for the most ... that the truth of God will infiltrate every single corner of my heart and mind.

This is what I will repeat in my mind over and over again ... "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the PEACE OF GOD, which transcends all understanding, will GUARD your HEARTS and your MINDS in CHRIST JESUS. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8

Learning to love,
Jenna