Don't Look Back

Lot's wife did. And look what happened to her. She became a pillar of salt.

Let's play catch up again. So Abraham and Lot. Uncle and nephew. {Genesis 13} Lot chose the better portion of the land or so he thought. He parted ways with Abraham and lived among the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. {Genesis 19} He lived among them and joined right in on their wicked lifestyle. God spared him and his family when he destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah. The angels told them to get out fast and not look back. As Lot and his family were fleeing, his wife stopped. She looked back. Look where it got her. Nothing more than a pile of salt.

It does no good to look back. I've spent a lot of time being discontent with my past. One particular instance came to mind the other day as I was reading along with a fellow write 31 days challenge blogger {alizanaomi.com}. She recounted an incredibly embarrassing moment for her, and it triggered a painful memory of my own. Pretty sure it was my sophomore year of high school. {background info: I was not the popular girl. at all. I did not fit the mold of a normal girl. I was overweight. I was a giant and by that I mean I was already/still 5 feet 11 inches tall and 6 feet in heels and all the boys were my height or shorter. I was not "pretty." I did not fit in.} Where I grew up we had this thing called cotillion. Some girls were members of "the club." Two dances were held each year. About two to three months before the big "dance" {which also entailed an announcement/walk out of members and their dates}, there was a big formal meeting where the members got "date sheets." All the members {which if you haven't already concluded are all girls} asked the guys at the specific time as soon as we had our "date sheet" in hand. If two girls wanted to ask the same guy, whoever got through on his phone first got to ask him. Seeing as I was not popular or pretty or even liked by any guys for that matter, this was already a huge stressor for me. I had self-esteem issues out the wazoo and hated putting myself out there like that. Unfortunately if I didn't do it/didn't find a date and attend the event, I would have to pay a fine. Long story short. The boy I was going to ask answered the phone, hung up on me, and then said no. Another boy I called next told me he had a conflict which if I remember correctly ended up being a lie. {background info: boys weren't really allowed to say no unless they had a legitimate conflict otherwise they were blackballed or not allowed to go to the event with anyone else.} I still cringe thinking back on this. I was mortified. humiliated. Everything I had ever thought about myself had been confirmed in that span of 30 minutes.
I was ugly.
I was unwanted.
I was a loser.
I was fat.
I was nothing.
I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. I couldn't face the reality of what had just happened.
I don't even remember what I told people about why I wasn't going. I don't think I told the truth. Looking back brings so much discontentment over what could have been/should have been/might have been.

When we dwell on the past, it is easy to get sucked into what used to be and lose sight of the present. I could wallow in that pain and wonder how God could have allowed that to happen to me. I did spend many years in bitterness and anger toward my past. I have given too much power to the past and provided an open door for discontentment to build up in my heart and life.

Crazy sometimes how God can take an Old Testament story and bring it to life in all new ways in order to teach me about my own life. I'm learning step by step how to be content with my past and the hurts that have built up high walls around my heart. I have to fight off that bitterness, anger, and seeds of discontentment and replace them with a peace in knowing that my worth and contentment are found in Jesus.

I am content with the life that has played out in my past, because God taught me through the pain that He is the only one who will never let me down. never fail me. never let go.

It's time to stop looking back.
It's time to look ahead to Jesus.

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{This series is a part of a writing challenge given by the nester, Myquillyn Smith, to write for 31 Days. You can check the write31days website out here and enjoy hundreds of other bloggers joining together for this challenge. My posts are a part of my personal topic choice of 31 Days of Contentment, and you can find the link for the entire series here.}